SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you are like me CCB, you will flail around trying to fix things that your WW has 0% interest in fixing.

Then all of the sudden, a switch will flip and you will decide that "I can't do this anymore" and you will take control of what you can control, and that is you, not her, not Mark, not the marriage. Just you.

Once that switch flips you will feel empowered.

You’ve been married less than two years and when the two of you should be banging like bunnies she’s giving you the ILYBINILWY speech and hanging out with her “friend” Mark at his place until 2 am and otherwise spending every waking moment with him she can. Oh but it was *just* twice that she was there smoking pot and “chilling out.”

Brother, what are you getting from this? And how do you think a newlywed bride who isn’t even “in love” with you (even though she’s too immature to really understand what the hell that even means) is going to get better from here on out?

You can’t nice her back. You can’t negotiate attraction. The stronger and more independent you get the better off you will be. The 180 you’re doing now is just a butt-hurt version of the pick me dance, and it’s frankly a version of Nice Guy Syndrome.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:51 PM, June 28th (Monday)]

If you are afraid any action you take may push her away. Don’t be. She’s already gone.

Sadly strong action on your part is probably the only thing that has a chance of saving this but your fear rules you.

Strength is attractive. Weakness is not. You aren’t helping yourself one bit.

CCB,

I apologize if I have missed any points as I haven't read through this entire thread.

My 2 cents would be this: Do not continue thinking of this as a negotiation. You are not here to try and reason with her, AKA "nice" her back to your marriage.

She has repeatedly chosen to ignore the pleas and concerns of the man she is ACTUALLY married to and instead has chosen to place another man above you in her life.

She's clearly chosen who she wants. You are just there to fund the fantasy.

Every indication is in plain view that she has moved on. Whether or not they have escalated to a physical affair is almost moot.

File and move on. If she's at all serious about not losing you then she will make the effort. Otherwise you're just sitting around, high on hopium, wondering if she will someday have the epiphany that it's you she was searching for all along, and all of the rom-com bullshit.

There shouldn't be any bargaining in a marriage. None of this, "well, I guess I'll let you continue to hang out with OM, just so long as you come home and do the real marital work with me". You're just getting her crumbs. OM is getting the prize (if you want to call a cheating wife a prize).

You've been together for a while, since you were relatively young. Sounds like curiosity got the best of her and she's move on to "greener pastures". I suggest you should too.

If that whole "if you love someone, set them free" mumbo jumbo is true in your case, then she'll find her way back to you. But I've never seen that happen in the 4 years I've been here.

This back and forth will only go on as long as you allow it.

For what it's worth, my XWW's PA started as an EA. I too tried to negotiate with her and pretty much doormatted her towards her PA. It only made her entitlement grow.

So you need to stop with the small talk and take big action. File. Gather her things up. No begging, no pleading, no negotiating. Stop playing detective.

If you insist on the nice guy route, you can help her find her own place. Then turn and never look back.

It may not seem like it now, but you'll thank yourself later.

Incidentally, if you read the short book "Cheating in a Nutshell" you'll see that studies have been done documenting what is called "the doormat effect" in intimate relationships. That's actually what the studies call it!

The more you act like a doormat, the more you will be treated like a doormat. The more you "Nice Guy Syndrome" and KISA with your wife, the more she will lose respect for you -- and treat you in increasingly aggressive and condescending ways.

Think about it.

If you are like me CCB, you will flail around trying to fix things that your WW has 0% interest in fixing.

Then all of the sudden, a switch will flip and you will decide that "I can't do this anymore" and you will take control of what you can control, and that is you, not her, not Mark, not the marriage. Just you.

Once that switch flips you will feel empowered.

^agree

We all just want you to stop being in agony, I hope you are doing better today CCB.

This is physically painful to read. What more could you possibly need in order to make a decision? You have been married for only two years and there are no kids. I cannot for the life of me understand what you are waiting for. She has moved on. It is time you do the same.

CBB. I was exactly where you are right now at 6 months from dday1.

When I found he had continued cheating while I thought we were reconciling- I just snapped. I had enough. See my post on pg 10 of this thread on how I stood up to my H.

Sometimes timing is everything. Don’t force yiursenf to make a decision you are not ready to make. If emotions are running high it may be better to think things through and be sure you are making the right decision for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:29 PM, June 28th (Monday)]

CCB,
I can't take the pain anymore. Daily I've been checking on what's going on and I can still see the passive behavior from your side. You've become a beta male for the last 6 months, it's true, whether you accept it or not.
I know your pain. I've been there. Although I agree that each person has their own way of solving their problems, it pains me that you're not doing anything to solve yours. For the last 6 months you've done literally nothing. You talk to your wife, 5 minutes tops, same process the next time, talk to her 5 minutes tops... Nothing's been resolved. You are both at the prime of your life, 27 and 28... I agree with Thumos that you should have been banging like rabbits daily. I can't imagine a 27 year old woman denying sex to her new husband. And the husband did nothing to resolve the issue.
Whether you like it or not, you wife has already checked out 6 months ago.
Whether you accept it or not, your wife is not in love with you anymore.
Whether you accept it or not, your wife is in love with Mark.
Whether you accept it or not, your wife is fucking Mark.
You're the last one to know but you don't already have a wife. She's only going home for comfort, not as your wife. You're her safety net.
Your pain keeps on accumulating daily. Daily your wife goes to the office, have lunches with Mark, have dinner with Mark, goes to Mark's place, smokes pot with Mark, plays cards with Mark - although we know they're having sex this time, goes home in the wee hours - to you. After she's done doing everything with Mark. Repeat the process tomorrow...
Your pain keeps on adding up but you're not doing anything. So, your wife might be thinking at the back of her mind that you don't want to lose her so she'll keep doing the things she does with Mark daily. Coz she can get away with it, daily!
I have a friend who went through similar scenario with yours and it's sad to say that he took away his own life after he can't bear the pain anymore. I don't want it to happen to you. He loved his wife dearly but after 2 affairs, he couldn't take it anymore. Please don't let this happen to you.
I know you still have strong emotions towards your wife but does she have the same thing to you? The answer is a big NO! She's treated you like shit for the past 6 months while she's doing all the thing she does with Mark. Her life now revolves around Mark. She has already checked out of your marriage. She's committed with Mark but we all know that Mark is only using her for companionship. If Mark is fully committed to your wife, he should have encouraged her to leave you for him, but apparently he's not. He's only in it for sex with your wife while he's getting away with it.
Never beg someone to be in your life. If they ignore you, walk away! It's called self respect!
Sorry bro! I feel your pain and I couldn't take it anymore.
Good luck and all the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 11:06 AM, Tuesday, June 29th]

CCB: The information you have provided paints an extremely bleak picture concerning your marriage. Have you been as open with family and friends about what is going on? I can't imagine any of them standing by silently while you continue to live in this hell. You need their support to help you move on. If you were my son and based on what I have read, I would drag you to a lawyer and have you start divorce proceedings immediately.

Stop the abuse and file now. If there is anything left to save, you can stop the process down the line. But realize that she has cheated on you and is infatuated with another man. Do you really want that back in your life?

You better understand that she will eventually dump you. All Markie poo needs to do is give her sufficient encouragement and it is a done deal.

If you insist on staying in this mess, go find a girlfriend. You don't have a wife.

CCB

Let me try another way to reach you. Imagine I'm standing talking with you and I haul off and slug you as hard as I can in the chest. I don’t leave a mark that anyone outside of us can see, so this is something just between you and me. Two minutes later I hit you in the chest again as hard as I can. You complain and say Ow, please don’t do that. And I hit you again. I’m gonna keep slugging you in the chest until you make me stop. And I’m going to continue even in your home.

How many times are you gonna let me hit you until you decide to do something to stop it. Because I’m not going to stop until you make me. What are you prepared to do to stop this pain.

You are a lawyer for crying out loud. Do you not recognize blatant manipulation when it’s being used on you? No one can stop this pain and abuse of you but you. She is not your friend she is wounding you. Imagine another thing. Instead of punching you I’m using a pen knife with a 1 inch blade. And I’m stabbing you every two minutes. Not enough to kill you. I can’t reach any organs with it. I can’t even get past your rib cage. But I’m hurting you like hell and you’re bleeding all over the place. What are you prepared to do? She is stabbing you every day.

You have reached survival stage. Save yourself. Please. Only you can.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 11:30 PM, June 28th (Monday)]

This is painful to read and it feels like the prequel to American Beauty. A real life Lester Burnham who has yet to fight back for himself.

Please try to accept the following:

1) She is having an affair with Mark

2) She is screwing the hell out of him

3) She cares nothing for you

4) She is disrespecting you as both a man and husband

5) She believes she can do as she wishes because all you’ll do is nothing, or give her the silent treatment. No repercussions.

Burn this to the ground. File for divorce and have her served ASAP. Out her to her family and friends ASAP. Ask her to move out and go live with Mark, ASAP. For the love of God, fight back.

It is possible to encourage CCB to stand up for himself without emasculating him. Not sure why some are going for blood here.

After I said to myself I can't do this anymore I filed. I was going to have her served at work where her A started but I chose to mail it to her, looking back having a LASD deputy serve her at the posh school she worked at would have been fair payback...She wanted out of our M but was too much of a coward to do it so I did it and the document was titled "Me v She" and that was something that gave me a feeling that I was taking my life back.

Chances are if you don't file soon, she will spring it on you so she can be with Mark, and friend, I do not want that to happen to you. It would be very painful.

There is actually a lot that is very positive here. Short marriage, no kids. You are young and you have a promising career. If this were happening and you were 10, 15, or 20 years in and had 3 or 4 young kids whose lives would be blown up by all this, that would be a real mess. Ask me how I know. My best friend had pretty much exactly your situation. He was a lawyer and married to a young hottie. That young hottie used to chase me and I blew her off because she was a friend of my little sister. But she was a hottie and they were IN LOVE. They told me so. I was still in my dating days and thought they'd lost their minds but they insisted love was real and they had found it and it was great and I would understand some day. Whatever. About 2 years after the wedding she is staying out at bars and not really hiding that she is hanging out with this guy who is her boss. My friend was like all hang dog. He tried to follow her around like a puppy. He was a wreck. It was really sad to see, I am told. Fortunately for me I was in another city those years and did not have to see it first-hand. But it was bad. In time he got over it and divorced her. He really had no choice, it got to the point she wasn't coming home at night. Today he is married to a gorgeous woman, has 3 kids, couple of houses and pretty cool gig as a rock star sports agent (athlete rep). Represents Michael Phelps and the like. His wife is a total hot ticket. His first wife was attractive and fun, but his real wife is awesome and a genuinely good person. They are super happy. First wife later remarried as well and she is doing fine, but she totally missed hte boat with my friend. You can look him up. He's got it going on. You can too.

UPDATE:

We talked.

I told her I know about her and Mark. I told her that I don't want to do this anymore and that we should go our separate ways. I told her I don't want to be in a marriage with a woman who isn't in love with me and isn't happy with me.

She cried and cried and confessed that she and Mark do have feelings for each other but she is adamant that it's progressed to nothing physical. I told her that regardless, I don't feel that we can continue how things are and that we should separate.

I threw out the D word several times and she got super upset and emotional, saying that I'd "already made up my mind without her". I told her that she had made up her mind to pursue those feelings with Mark and did nothing to stop it back then. That put her on edge too - she told me I was being mean, and not understanding. I told her that I wasn't going to put up with this anymore.

Then she started begging, crying, saying that it seems like a rash, drastic decision to divorce and that we should try separating first. I said, "I don't know what that will do for us. You'll just go off with Mark, right?" She didn't really answer. She maintained that she doesn't want to jump straight to Divorce; I maintained that I see no other option at this point.

Because of work obligations, I can't leave. But I booked a flight to go stay with my family this weekend.

Then she started begging, crying, saying that it seems like a rash, drastic decision to divorce and that we should try separating first.

Translation..she wants to try out the OM as a boyfriend,and if it doesn't work out,she will come back to you.

Don't be plan B.

She maintained that she doesn't want to jump straight to Divorce; I maintained that I see no other option at this point.

Interesting that she jumps straight to seperation not... I'll do anything to save the marriage. I'll get rid of Mark... She had quite a few other options but she went with Seperation. She wanted to continue to cake eat keeping you as plan B while she investigated her relationship with Mark.

I think you got your answer. I'm sorry that you are going through this but I have no doubt you will end up with someone far better that appreciates everything you bring to the table.

I'm glad your out of limbo. Keep moving forward.

[This message edited by Freeme at 12:53 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

Translation..she wants to try out the OM as a boyfriend,and if it doesn't work out,she will come back to you.

Exactly the above. She wants to test drive and have the safety net to fall back on. Wake up dude.

Edit for typo.

[This message edited by Wanttobebetter at 9:28 PM, June 28th (Monday)]

I’m reasonably certain that this does not feel good but that was an amazing step that you made. Not - one - thing that you said was wrong. An absolute clinic.