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Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:21 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

A friend of mine did this same thing. It passes.

He did a hard no contact. If you can’t you will be keeping yourself in this.

She’s already dumped you. She’s shown you that. Like most liars she isn’t going to tell you to your face. They sneak around behind your back because they are cowards.

Start taking long walks. Get out of the house.

Don’t set around waiting for her to get it. My sister was a wayward and she never did.

Cheaters are broken people. You can’t fix that.

You still want to cling to its your fault. That’s not going to get you anywhere.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:24 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8674387
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 2:24 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Hey CCB,

I know it's still hard for you right now. I thought all along that you're already over her but it seems you're still longing to be with her. That's to be expected. But please, see the real woman inside of her not the woman you thought her to be. She's not the woman you love, she's not her anymore.

You basically have all the answers to all your questions from your vent:

Maybe I need to try writing more? Getting my emotions out onto paper? I have always loved writing but I have a hard time writing in a journal as myself. Maybe I need to try it a different way.

1. Yes and Yes. You should write more. Put into writing all of your emotions. Pour them on. Nobody's going to stop you from doing it. It's for your own good.

I do that a lot too.

2. Don't keep everything to yourself. Reach out to your family. I know you're pretty close with your Dad. Write him more. I believe he's always there for you. From your letter to him, you seem to be a daddy's boy. He's there for you and he will always be there. That's for sure.

Going on a road trip also sounds great to me right now. I was actually thinking of going out of town next weekend to a nearby city to go to a couple MLB games Friday and Saturday night. Just chill in the city by myself and enjoy my time at a ball game and eating a bunch of good food.

Yes, you shoud do these things a lot. Focus on yourself now. Go to places. Discover more. Be one with nature.

I’m scared and nervous for the future. I’m terrified of moving back to the state I grew up in….because it’s a very "religious" area and I am not part of that religion anymore. Thus, I’m nervous about meeting someone who’s not part of the religion too and has similar beliefs and lifestyles as I do.

Who doesn't? We don't know what the future brings. But I say this to you! Your future is bright compared to your STBXW. I can guarantee that. Her future as I see it is bleak.

Moving back to the area doesn't mean you need to be going back to your old religion. I believe they will understand your wishes. Some people would try to encourage you to go back, and that is expected but if you're firm on your belief that you don't want to, then just tell them straight.

Don't focus on the religion when trying to meet someone. What if she belongs to that religion. You can discuss things together, correct? You're a lawyer and I believe you are better at speaking than anybody else. So you have a better communication skills.

I am anxious about meeting someone new and dating again. A lot of my old friends and people I used to know don’t live there anymore. I’m nervous about finding a place to live. I’m nervous about being….capable of dating again. I want to have sex again. I miss it. But I’m also nervous to be with someone else sexually again…my confidence is shot. I feel like: I couldn’t even satisfy my wife?? She didn’t even want to have sex with me. Why would anyone else? What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t know how to do it right? I can’t get out of my head about this and I fear the moment it happens again (if ever), I’ll clam up and it’ll suck.

Don't be afraid of meeting someone new. It doesn't need to be now but just go out. Don't go out just for the sake of meeting someone. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't need to be forced. You might find the perfect girl in the long run while doing the stuff you love. It doesn't need to be immediate. Just let things work out for you.

I know you feel emaciated right now. But her seeking sexual pleasure with another man is not your fault. You are enough.

You will find sexual pleasure soon but it's not from this woman. I wouldn't advise to seek sexual pleasure with her. Don't do that. She's not worth it.

You are enough for you as a person. Whatever her issues with you, she clearly didn't communicate with you. She clearly doesn't see you as a person which started from a year ago. She had her own issues and didn't say them to you. She believes you didn't give her enough validation but that's her problem, not yours. You were planning for your future but she was planning for an immediate pleasure.

Moving forward, just do whatever you do to make yourself busy. Go harder on 180 and grey rock. Don't look back!!!! Just don't!

She will come around, believe me, she will! But it will be too late for her. I don't want to accept someone like that if I were you! She doesn't deserve you!

All the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 2:44 AM, Sunday, July 11th]

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674388
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:26 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

She will come around, believe me, she will!

Not necessarily.

They always come back is a myth.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:27 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8674389
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 2:37 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

(((CCB)))

Maybe I need to try writing more? Getting my emotions out onto paper? I have always loved writing but I have a hard time writing in a journal as myself. Maybe I need to try it a different way.

If you're open to suggestions on this what worked for me was emailing myself. Journaling was a hard discipline to get into and maintain once I tried, emailing however, writing an email I can do. Set up a new email account and just email yourself, can be anything, thoughts, unsent letters of things you want to say to wayward (highly recommend doing this, it's heartbreaking but once it's out I find it lessens the agony of wanting what I had back), anger you want to say to wayward, fears and hopes and dreams. It really does lance the wound getting all of that off your chest. The bonus of emailing is it dates everything and it helps me catch myself when I start to spiral again. If I see I've had a few really toxic days in a row it's easy now to catch that early and give myself a hard talking to that I'm letting fear control me again and to snap out of it. IDK I just found it really therapeutic and has helped me on my recovery journey so it might help you (?) if starting a journal is a no-go try emailing instead.

Going on a road trip also sounds great to me right now. I was actually thinking of going out of town next weekend to a nearby city to go to a couple MLB games Friday and Saturday night. Just chill in the city by myself and enjoy my time at a ball game and eating a bunch of good food.

100% do this, distance does remarkable things, not just outlook of the future but ... hard to articulate... it settles the soul a little. The more distance you can obtain away from WW and the house the clearer your head becomes, especially if you discipline yourself to observe and enjoy the moment without thinking about the past or future. If you catch yourself dwelling on the past and/or future on the trip email yourself (journal) those thoughts and try to bring yourself back into the now. If you find that hard my therapist tells me to focus on anything that stands out, the smell of coffee, the feeling of sun, a weed growing on the ground and just focus on it, then move out what's around it, is there anything you find calming or pretty then move out again little by little and soon you will find yourself living back in the now and not dwelling on the past/future. You said you will be ping-pong between new place and old house so the more tiny time-outs, even for a few hours, you can get the better.

I’m scared and nervous for the future.

(((hugs again)))

Fear is such a mindf**k and wall for us BS. It stops us time and time again with our recovery. If you haven't already there is such a beneficial thread on here you might want to read called "fear vs reality"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs--reality/

Don't set your future up to be so scary and lonely in your mind, easier said than done, but try to find some excitement in there. You mention about heading back to a very religious area while that's not who you are and now you worry about not finding someone who is the same, but you're heading there, surely you can see you won't be the only one in the entire area who is like that, and if a religious lady does catch your eye? she might not try to convert you and simply love you for who you are. Fear vs Reality, it's worth a read.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 9:00 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8674393
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:38 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

She will come around, believe me, she will!

^^^Nope. She's been gone for a very long time.

CB, all those questions you are asking yourself, we've all been there, done that.

Right now focus on getting out of infidelity and starting a brand new job.

How much "stuff" do you really have to move besides your clothes, your dog, and electronics?

There was nothing you did that caused her to cheat. She owns her cheating, she's been doing it for almost half your marriage, look forward and please stop beating yourself up.

Trust all of us here, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will get there. You are young and bright and have a great deal to offer.

[This message edited by annb at 8:38 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 11258   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8674394
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 2:58 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Not necessarily.

They always come back is a myth.

Not necessarily doesn't mean it's a myth.

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674399
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:16 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

She will come around, believe me, she will!

And how do you know this?

The last thing the OP needs right now is false hope. Or an extended stay in a hopium daze.

My sister was a wayward and she never changed. I have 3 friends who went through this and their spouses never came back nor did they ever “get it”.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8674404
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 3:34 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

She will come around, believe me, she will! But it will be too late for her. I don't want to accept someone like that if I were you! She doesn't deserve you!

I never, ever provided any false hope to OP. Check out the entire message not a single sentence. You took out one sentence from an entire paragraph which put it out of context. Please, don't argue with something that's not there. I never intended to provide false hope. Read the whole paragraph please. Don't just copy one sentence that means different if you take it out from a whole paragraph.

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674408
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 4:40 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Stop looking for faults or flaws in yourself. You have to understand that this is 100% about her. I'm not saying this as a consolation, it's a fact, and you'll realize it too. You will see that there is nothing you can do.

Let's pretend you're a terrible husband and that's why all this happened. Now we cannot say that she is more perfect than you as a spouse. Or was she perfect before? Haven't you ever felt the lack of some things in your marriage because of her? You haven't sex for months. Were you happy during her depression? Was she good enough for you? Haven't you seen more beautiful, funnier, more loving women out there? Can you say that she is a wife who made you feel fulfilled in every way?

You see, more or less everyone experiences the same things in marriage, but not everyone prefers to cheat.

Why doesn't it occur to you to do the things she does? It's not even cheating if you date someone right now, but you don't think about it in return for what she did. And think about the personality of a person who can do these things. She is the broken one, there is nothing about you.

I am trying really hard to do 180 and go full gray rock. I truly am trying. It’s the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done.

You must get away from that house as soon as possible. I think you have a chance to move to your new job and city early. Moving is not something that requires you to go back and forth. You can even start packing things right now.

Also 180 shouldn't be that hard, as I understand she's not very eager to talk to you anyway. I guess you are having a hard time not talking to her. You have to find something to distract yourself. Traveling and long walks would be good, writing isn't much of a distraction, especially if it's about these issues.

Finally, don't be pessimistic about the future. A bright career and future await you. There are bound to be loyal women out there who deserve you. I am sure that you will leave these days behind in a much shorter time than you think.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8674421
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:09 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Stop looking for faults or flaws in yourself. You have to understand that this is 100% about her. I'm not saying this as a consolation, it's a fact, and you'll realize it too. You will see that there is nothing you can do.

Let's pretend you're a terrible husband and that's why all this happened. Now we cannot say that she is more perfect than you as a spouse. Or was she perfect before? Haven't you ever felt the lack of some things in your marriage because of her? You haven't sex for months. Were you happy during her depression? Was she good enough for you? Haven't you seen more beautiful, funnier, more loving women out there? Can you say that she is a wife who made you feel fulfilled in every way?

No, she definitely did not make me feel fulfilled. She dropped the ball in so many regards. I know it's easy when you're at rock bottom and at the end of a journey to look back on the entirety of it and think it was all bad...but I can truly sit here now and reflect and really think about how she wasn't really that great of a partner.

You see, more or less everyone experiences the same things in marriage, but not everyone prefers to cheat.

Why doesn't it occur to you to do the things she does? It's not even cheating if you date someone right now, but you don't think about it in return for what she did. And think about the personality of a person who can do these things. She is the broken one, there is nothing about you.

You're so right. Thank you. Even during previous rough patches, I never even THOUGHT about stepping out of our relationship. I think that's why I am having such a hard time right now. To imagine this person I thought I knew, who I trusted with my whole heart just...throw everything away for some dude she knew for like eight months. It makes me feel like I never even mattered to her.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8674543
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:11 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

The last thing the OP needs right now is false hope. Or an extended stay in a hopium daze.

My sister was a wayward and she never changed. I have 3 friends who went through this and their spouses never came back nor did they ever “get it”.

I will say, I didn't take what beb252 said as "false hope". I do not think I'm stuck in a hopium daze, as you call it.

I think what I am experiencing now is the full setting-in of a years-long relationship breaking down and ending. I don't necessarily crave the affection, love, and companionship of my WW...I just crave affection, love, and companionship in general. I want to have someone I can spend my nights with, laugh with, share meals with, go on dog-walks with, cuddle with, talk with. Someone I can trust, completely, and know that I mean something important to them.

My wife can't be any of that for me. But it still hurts to NOT have those things...and to not know when I will ever have them or feel that again.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8674544
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:14 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

CB, all those questions you are asking yourself, we've all been there, done that.

Right now focus on getting out of infidelity and starting a brand new job.

How much "stuff" do you really have to move besides your clothes, your dog, and electronics?

There was nothing you did that caused her to cheat. She owns her cheating, she's been doing it for almost half your marriage, look forward and please stop beating yourself up.

Trust all of us here, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will get there. You are young and bright and have a great deal to offer.

I'm glad to know I am not alone here.

I really don't have a ton of "stuff". Clothes, books, some smaller furniture stuff. Electronics. That's it. I have been accumulating boxes for a while now. I think I will start packing up some boxes this week and get ready for when I'm done with my current job and be prepared to get everything shipped cross-country for after my new job begins. I need to start reframing in my mind that this is the start of a beautiful new journey for myself...I can become "CheesecakeBaker 2.0: New and Improved!"

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8674547
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oldmanchris ( new member #78645) posted at 4:15 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

You just want a fair share of what you invested. I know.

Out of curiosity, if your own son or daughter was going through this same mess, what would you advise them to do/think?

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 18   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8674548
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:27 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

We all want what we can’t have even if wasn’t great. That and the shock of infidelity is going to set anyone back.

However, once clarity comes you will see that you didn’t lose much.

No way around it. Time and no contact is your best path out of this. I’ve seen many keep themselves in limbo by trying to hang on. That never gets you a thing.

You’ll be fine.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8674554
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:30 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Out of curiosity, if your own son or daughter was going through this same mess, what would you advise them to do/think?

Absolutely I'd be advising them to do the same thing I've been advised to do: No Contact, get out ASAP.

My parents are telling me the same things. They have been incredibly supportive and helpful. They offered to let me store any belongings/furniture I have at their house when I move out there, until I am able to get a better place for myself.

I'm closer now with my siblings than I have ever been. They check up on me every single day. I feel very loved by everyone in my family.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8674555
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:31 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

@LostInHisFog:

Fear is such a mindf**k and wall for us BS. It stops us time and time again with our recovery. If you haven't already there is such a beneficial thread on here you might want to read called "fear vs reality"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs--reality/

Don't set your future up to be so scary and lonely in your mind, easier said than done, but try to find some excitement in there. You mention about heading back to a very religious area while that's not who you are and now you worry about not finding someone who is the same, but you're heading there, surely you can see you won't be the only one in the entire area who is like that, and if a religious lady does catch your eye? she might not try to convert you and simply love you for who you are. Fear vs Reality, it's worth a read.

Thanks for sharing this thread with me. It was extremely useful for me. So much of my worry/anxiety/fear is just me being stuck in my own head - overthinking, worrying about stuff that hasn't even happened yet and probably won't. I have a lot of stuff I need to keep in mind and remind myself when things get bad.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8674557
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:41 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

You are starting to wake up a bit. Good!

Your WW is just a want but you don’t need her.

Just think at some point you’ll wake up and not have this shit hanging over your head.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8674559
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 8:39 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

"CheesecakeBaker 2.0: New and Improved!"

Way to go! Good luck on the new and improved version!

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674605
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

You’re most welcome CCB.

Your future is looking bright with the new job in the new location near your incredibly supportive family. That’s so positive, all of that. You’ve got the best possible new foundation for this next chapter of your life.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8674633
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 11:47 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

She got served with the papers last night. It went better than expected. We didn’t fight, she didn’t try to blame shift or gaslight me. In fact, she apologized for not being easy to deal with lately and for not handling the whole Mark thing very well. She acknowledged that while she felt like not crossing any lines or boundaries physically would have prevented it from being “cheating”, she didn’t realize until I started talking more seriously about it to her that the emotional affair aspect of it all was very real and very devastating to me.

It was good to hear that. Doesn’t change anything for me. But at least there was some ounce of remorse or acknowledgment coming from her. She asked if we could still be friends after all of this. Ha! I said no.

She is going to get to keep our dog though. She was going to fight me tooth and nail on that and drag this whole thing out longer than it needs to go... I think the rest of the divorce will go smoothly. And that’s ok. I just want this to be over with and I want to start moving on from this. But it’s going to be so hard. It feels like I’m losing two people that I love, and it’s devastating. I’m so tired, so strained, so ready for it all to end.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8674715
Topic is Sleeping.
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