Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 8:23 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

and that she was shocked I would even think about leaving her high and dry with nobody, and then even take her dog away from her.

She either goes with you, her husband and the dog, or she stays with Mark, her bestest friend, cuddle-buddy, soulmate. Far from high and dry.

Next time she says she "doesn't know", then you can say that you know that you want to be with some who DOES know they want to be with you so you will make the decision for both of you and the divorce will be filed.

I said that to my WW and we took one more swing at MC but the therapist pretty much asked me if I wanted to be with someone who didn't know if they want to be with me, my XW was silent, and we were divorced.

Your W may not know what she wants but it is for sure not to be married. (she wants Mark, but he may on the fence about having her full time, nice as a sidepiece but all the time? At work and at home?)

When the convo ended because she "couldn't take it anymore" I am pretty sure Mark was her first call as she walked out. Lucky guy, he's on the road to crazy town.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:27 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8673600
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 8:26 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Thank you. I am surprised at how level-headed I was able to remain while talking to her yesterday. She kept telling me that I was being rude, I was being non-communicative, I was drilling her and not letting her speak. That's simply not true!

I wanted it to be a conversation - she was the one getting upset, yelling, stonewalling, refusing to talk.

My mom, my sister, my best friend - every one has asked what I am going to do if she begs for me to stay. I have been preparing myself for that. If she does? I am still not staying. I am done. I don't deserve this crap.

She keeps saying, "Well I was struggling all last year, and i tried to talk to you about it and you never changed and never worked on things!" She said, "For so long in the last year I felt like 'my person' wasn't there for me...and guess what, I stuck it out and worked through it! You can't work through things now?"

I don't get it. She keeps pushing that crap on me. It's not about then; it's about right now!

Maybe I was neglectful, emotionally unavailable, hurtful. Maybe I was an asshole back then or wasn't there for her like she needed me to be. At least I didn't go fall in love with someone else? And string her along for months? I can't change our past, but I can change our future and it starts with me getting out of this.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8673603
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:40 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I wanted it to be a conversation - she was the one getting upset, yelling, stonewalling, refusing to talk.

Very common. For a very long time, my wife would spend many conversations interrupting repeatedly, yelling, lashing out with cruel and cutting comments, DARVO attacks (look up the acronym), gas lighting, stonewalling and more. Accusing me of interrogating her when I was asking simple questions. Etc. Count yourself lucky to get out now instead of staying in limbo.

Part of the problem is you're trying to engage in an honest conversation with someone who isn't an honest broker and doesn't have your best interests at heart.

"Well I was struggling all last year, and i tried to talk to you about it and you never changed and never worked on things!" She said, "For so long in the last year I felt like 'my person' wasn't there for me...and guess what, I stuck it out and worked through it! You can't work through things now?"

This is just bullshit and I think you get that. This is blameshifting which actually confirms the affair. It is also a form of gas lighting known as “rewriting the history of the marriage.”

Anyway even if this exaggerated narrative were true, in point of fact she didn't “stick” anything out, did she? Nope, she had an affair. She stuck something somewhere, most likely, but it wasn't sticking with you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:45 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673607
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 8:41 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Good for you. Stop asking her what she wants. File for divorce, asking for everything you want, and let the lawyers battle it out. You're not being unreasonable. She is an adult woman with a professional degree. She can get a therapist or find friends or lean on her new boyfriend. Not your concern. She is so selfish that she thinks you should watch her cheat and be her emotional punching bag while she does it. No thanks.

Take the puppy when you move and let her fight you for it. I bet she won't anyway.

Do not engage. She is literally asking you to stick around as her plan b and thinks you are dumb enough to think she isn't having an affair.

As others have said, there is literally 0% chance this hasn't been physical. She has not even offered to stop seeing mark. She is that selfish and immature.

Maybe the reason mark and her have new jobs is because they're busted at work. Who cares. She is a liar and a cheater and you are leaving her no matter what she does. So just get her served and move on without her. She can panic and spiral all she wants. That is not your problem.

posts: 127   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8673608
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:50 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I have been preparing myself for that. If she does? I am still not staying. I am done. I don't deserve this crap.

You pretty much know everything you wanted.

All the best and good luck!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8673611
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balbichi ( New Member #78736) posted at 8:50 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I am sorry to say this. But, you are being a glutton for punishment. She is just stringing you alone and you are letting her do that. What's stopping you from filing for divorce. Why are you even staying together. What do you expect to come out of it. At this point, it's unrequited love.If you are expecting some kind of remorse from her, I would suggest you forget about it. It won't help you move on.

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2021
id 8673609
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 8:52 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

The best thing you can do for YOU right now is to move on to your new job and location asap.

Staying and arguing with her is only going to exacerbate your emotional health. She's gaslighting and blameshifting and trying to shift the blame back onto you. Nope, she and she alone owns this mess.

Honestly, I'd take the dog with me.

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8673613
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 8:55 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

She continues to gaslight me, denying that anything was going on with them and saying that it’s “only a crush”.

What nonsense, didn't she say in the last conversation she was in love with him? Didn't you remind her of that?

She said it’s unfair for me to give her an ultimatum by telling her she has to cut him out of her life, or lose me.

Yes, you gave her this ultimatum in the beginning. But I guess that's not the case anymore, is it?

Make it clear to her; you don't give her an ultimatum, on the contrary, you let her do what she wants, but you don't have to put up with it either, you just get out of her way. She can be happy, she is free now.

Then she started crying and saying that she couldn’t believe this was happening and that she was shocked I would even think about leaving her high and dry with nobody, and then even take her dog away from her.

No, that's not right, she has Mark, her most important, supportive and best "friend".

Btw, i know you love that puppy but you can leave him to her, by explaining you didn't want anything about her, of course.

You can adopt a new puppy in your new city.

About a pick me dance, i understand you. It may seem so in its written form here, but I'm sure it doesn't look like that with tones of voice, gestures and facial expressions.

Because I went through something very similar.

I was constantly arguing with my ex-GF during the breakup. Once again, I found myself in a pointless discussion on the phone and I was tired of her lies, gaslighting etc. While she was talking nonstop, I stopped her and asked, "do you love me" in a serious tone, there was silence for a while, no answer, this time I raised my voice even more and asked again "do you love me", this time with a faint muttering "no" the answer has come. "Okay then, why are we even fighting? Thank you for your honest answer," I said and hung up without waiting for any response.

It might look like I was doing pick me dance because I asked her twice if she loved me, but believe me, it wasn't. Actually, that wasn't even a question, I knew the answer, I just wanted to stop those silly fights.

Here, too, CheesecakeBaker posed the question he knew the answer to and put an end to WW's meaningless accusations.

It’s like she’s finally realized that I’m serious about leaving and now she is panicking and spiraling.

You obviously don't mean much to her, frankly, she's not even paying you the attention she should be giving to Plan B. But on the other side, I guess Mark isn't making a full commitment to her either. I guess that's why it's the fear of being alone.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 3:20 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8673614
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susielee ( Member #74877) posted at 9:01 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I agree with taking the dog.

Also "I stuck it out and worked through it! You can't work through things now?""

She didn't stick it out and work through it, she turned to another man. That is the opposite of sticking it out.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2020   ·   location: GA
id 8673617
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Rufus ( New Member #75754) posted at 9:29 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Cut this off. Do not buy any of the bs she is selling about her suffering and how you were not there for her. She is rationalizing her affair. Nothing more. This is completely standard. It is easy to get sucked into that story telling and start thinking geez I really wasn't much of a husband if I completely missed how badly she was suffering, I must really suck, I have to do better. It's a load of shit. She is rewriting history. How was she treating you during this period of her suffering? Oh yeah, she was out nights and you were stressed about holding down a job to pay the rent and expenses and getting no companionship at home for the effort and worrying about the state of the union.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8673620
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:32 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Cut the bullshit. This is all you’re getting.

Right now you are signaling that you want her back. Better wake up and think about what you’d be getting?

The capability is there to do this again. How’d you like it the first time?

Get off the hopium.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:55 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8673621
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 9:38 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Stop it!

Stop doing this to yourself!

Stop engaging with her in an argument that you can never (NEVER) win. Don't seek her approval or acknowledgement of what she did - and don't justify your actions in exiting infidelity.

Cheater's are not rational and very selfish - you will never understand how they think.

In my state a dog is property. Who can prove they paid for the puppy owns it.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8673622
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Pragmatic ( New Member #63510) posted at 9:45 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

The dog.

Do what's best for the dog, whoever can give it the best life, but state it's a clean break, no doggy alimony etc, if the both of you decide WW can give it a better life, when you walk, you want to put this all behind you. NC.

If you both decide it's you, the same applies, NC.

Also consider: You are moving away and not sure what your working hours will be or if you can work from home, you may have to employ a dog walker at least once a day, possibly twice if you work long hours.

It's not the dogs fault, this is all happening.

Good luck

posts: 31   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: England
id 8673624
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:59 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

The warnings here are spot on, but I don't think you've made any big mistakes either.

First of all, it should be noted that the purpose of starting the conversation was about how the divorce would be. It had to happen somehow. It was to be expected that the subject came to problems in marriage.

WW followed all the items in the cheater's handbook. Don't buy them. Don't even admit her accusations as truth hypotetically.

For instance; "Okay, even if what you said is true, you cheated on me." What this means for a cheater; "you admitted your guilt, and i didn't cheat on you." She takes what she wants from you and doesn't give you the truth. Because the goal here is not to take the matter constructively to solve a problem, but to put the blame on you and rewrite the marriage history.

So don't engage with her about such things, but somehow also show that you don't buy them, if you get the chance, with a simple sentence, or a gesture, or your actions.

Sometimes I just smile at such silly lies, but such a smile as if trying not to laugh, the other person understands that I don't believe a single word of him/her.

Sometimes after I listen with a serious expression as if I believe those lies, I make my fun of comment; "well, are you really that stupid, or do you think I'm that stupid to believe this?"

Sometimes by act, by speaking the truth in their presence, not their lies. For example, when calling your family or hers and saying, "We're getting divorced. Yeah, she cheated on me with her coworker."

After hundred "nothing happened" "you weren't there" etc., a simple message without engaging "i don't buy it."

From now on, I suggest you not to talk about divorce issues and leave this job to the divorce lawyers. It would be best to start your new job and move to your new city as soon as possible and cut off all contact with her.

She's not in a position to understand anything you want her to understand right now. If she has enough intelligence and conscience, she will understand it to some extent in the future. Of course it will be too late for everything.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8673650
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 11:00 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

If she starts up again, just tell her that she has chosen another man. Consequently, you are done with her and the marriage. There is nothing to work on since she chose another man, especially so early in the marriage. The two of you haven't been intimate in ages. This entire marriage has been a sham and you are done. You are not her brother. You are her husband and should have been treated that way. Let's remain cordial and do what needs to be done to disengage.

Stick to your guns. She is a whack job.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:02 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8673651
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Caesar ( New Member #65621) posted at 11:40 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

A little advice paraphrased from Godfather 1:

Leave the wife, take the poochie.

If she balks, tell her she has her mutt Mark to keep her company.

[This message edited by Caesar at 6:45 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

posts: 34   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern US
id 8673669
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 12:54 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Cheesecake you are making the right decision. She gave you an answer, by not picking you. A wife that wants you, is going to clamor at the chance to fix this, she is and was hoping that she can fuck around with Mark, get her panties wet and fulfilled and that Cheesecake would wait around for her.

You were her plan B, make no mistake. Her flailing and being defensive was b/c you pulled the rug. YOu didn't even give her a chance to try Mark out and make you plan B. How dare you take that away from poor little WW. Let her have Mark, youre on to something better. She will regret this, but you won't know or hear about it.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8673699
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 1:43 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

When you argue about the dog you are giving her power. Really, is it worth it?

posts: 1059   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8673719
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 2:29 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Except it was your WW telling you that she "needed space" and that she was overwhelmed with you not having any friends. So I do wonder how that could possibly jive w her "struggling all this time and trying to talk to you about it".

Especially AFTER you kept reaching out to her emotionally and kept getting rebuffed. Both emotionally AND physically.

Beware, it sounds that she is completely rewriting marital history.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8673728
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 2:49 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8673733
Topic is Sleeping.
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