Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 9:31 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

It pisses me off. I've already made my decision to leave and to move on with my life, but it still hurts.

Stay strong and resist the urge to talk with her at all. It only causes more pain - I know the hard way! Stay strong and stay the course.

I am sorry you are in pain. You are doing the right thing but it is still painful. You are doing great.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8672891
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 6:21 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Unfortunately, I Talked to my wife again last night. Told her I am serious about the divorce - I’m done being hurt, being disrespected, and being treated so poorly while she goes off to do whatever the fuck she’s doing. I told her we needed to start talking about what the divorce is going to look like.

She, as I expected, became extremely defensive, argumentative and emotional. She hurled insults at me and tried shifting the blame. She continues to refuse to acknowledge or accept that she *at the very least* has been emotionally cheating on me. She got mad at me for continuing to bring Mark up, saying “he has nothing to do with this.” (Umm. Clearly he does?) She continues to gaslight me, denying that anything was going on with them and saying that it’s “only a crush”. She said it’s unfair for me to give her an ultimatum by telling her she has to cut him out of her life, or lose me. She said she can’t do that because he is one of her most important, supportive and best friends and because she has no friends or family here and that it’s unfair that I’m so close to my family?? Ok?

Eventually, she gave in and was like “alright. I guess we need to start talking about divvying up the stuff.” I told her I genuinely don’t care much about any of the furniture. I told her that the biggest fight we’re gonna have is over the puppy. That is when the conversation took a turn.

I said “I don’t have an answer about him right now. Obviously, I want to keep him and I know you would want to keep him.” I thought that was a reasonable response for how emotionally charged this conversation was going. She flat out refused and said “well you’re NOT taking him.”

Then she started crying and saying that she couldn’t believe this was happening and that she was shocked I would even think about leaving her high and dry with nobody, and then even take her dog away from her.

Eventually this led to me telling her that I got a new job and I’m moving away so this is really happening and we need to figure it out. She’s congratulated me on the job. And basically the conversation ended because she said she couldn’t talk about this anymore.

This all sucked. At one point in the conversation I even asked her point blank (TWICE) “do you WANT to stay with me?” The first time she said nothing. The second time she stayed silent for about Minute before saying “I don’t know”. I took that for what it Is and said “well there you go. I don’t want to be your second choice, your difficult choice, or your backup plan. I’m done with this.”

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 12:22 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8673547
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 6:25 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

It’s like she’s finally realized that I’m serious about leaving and now she is panicking and spiraling.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8673548
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 6:49 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

saying “he has nothing to do with this.”

My XWW said the same thing. Her having a BF is not the issue. The issue is that I don’t give her enough attention.

The approach that worked best for me is to not try to argue with this. If they don’t get it, they don’t get it. Just move along with the D, and know that you don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone that cannot understand why a third party in a marriage is a problem.

I eventually changed the narrative to “we were not meant to be” and leave it at that. You can’t explain something to someone who doesn’t want to grt it.

One day at a time

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8673559
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 6:53 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

WOW. Either your WW is THE most un-self-aware person in the world. Or she really is deluding herself.

It looks to me that you are going to have to move forward on D unilaterally. Do you have a firm move-out date? Are you arranging to have divorce papers served.

I really don't know what to say about your dog, or any advice to give

.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:54 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8673561
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 6:54 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

CheesecakeBaker,

You're still doing the "pick me" dance. You state

I even asked her point blank (TWICE) “do you WANT to stay with me?” The first time she said nothing. The second time she stayed silent for about Minute before saying “I don’t know”. I took that for what it Is and said “well there you go. I don’t want to be your second choice, your difficult choice, or your backup plan. I’m done with this.”

Until you actually file, you're not done with this and you're still hoping she'll have some type of revelation. She has completely checked out, so you need to file and move on.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8673562
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 6:58 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Then she started crying and saying that she couldn’t believe this was happening and that she was shocked I would even think about leaving her high and dry with nobody, and then even take her dog away from her.

She thought you’d stay a doormat and be plan B if she needed if.

This all sucked. At one point in the conversation I even asked her point blank (TWICE) “do you WANT to stay with me?” The first time she said nothing. The second time she stayed silent for about Minute before saying “I don’t know”. I took that for what it Is and said “well there you go. I don’t want to be your second choice, your difficult choice, or your backup plan. I’m done with this.”

She’s already shown you the answer. Why keep asking?

What you should be asking yourself is. What would you be getting back? Is this something you’d want to be saddled with?

You don’t need her permission for anything.

Stop living on hopium. You are keeping yourself tied up in this for no reason.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:00 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8673564
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 7:05 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

She continues to gaslight me, denying that anything was going on with them and saying that it’s “only a crush”. She said it’s unfair for me to give her an ultimatum by telling her she has to cut him out of her life, or lose me. She said she can’t do that because he is one of her most important, supportive and best friends

She's confirming everything we told you. To a T.

She even wants you to hang around as plan B and is all but stating it plainly. Pretty remarkable, but nothing new here.

Incidentally my WW told me I was trying to ruin the only male friendship she’d had as an adult. They all say the same thing.

180 and disengage.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673566
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 7:11 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

You haven't had physical relations with her for over 6 months. You are her roommate in her mind. Serve her now with divorce papers if she won't cooperate. You need a clear head going into your new job. Watch out for a hail Marry pass by your wife. She has no idea what it means to be married. She is really fucked up and should no longer be your problem. Get away from her ASAP.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8673567
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 7:15 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I took that for what it Is and said “well there you go. I don’t want to be your second choice, your difficult choice, or your backup plan. I’m done with this.”

If she told you tomorrow, "Fine. You win. I'll go with you." Would you let her?

I know that you are waiting for that epiphany from her. There is always a chance that this can/will occur. Are you willing to wait for that possibility?

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8673568
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 7:17 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

You are stuck in the cycle. You have to stop the cycle. Stop engaging with her. I know what you want. You aren't getting it. I want it, too. You want her to fight for you, you want to feel that you mattered to her.

You are worth more than this. The cycle keeps the pain going. I know from lots of learning it the hard way.

The cycle cannot continue if you refuse to participate. Stop talking to her.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8673569
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SpaceGhost0007 ( Member #46539) posted at 7:21 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to try and talk to her about this when she is so obtuse.

So she admitted that she has a crush on him and spends all her free time with him. What is it that they do when they are together? Play spin the bottle? Play truth or dare? If she was 12 maybe those games would come into play.

I know from personal experience that women that have a crush on you want to spend time with you. I also know that adult women want to have sex with their crush.

She clearly has not been having sex with you so where is she getting it? She has failed as a wife I would just move on because when you separate the pain will start to subside.

You would think she would cut him out and want just you. She is just a really shitty wife.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2015
id 8673571
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 7:28 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I'm sorry, but I do not think I am doing the "pick me" dance. I asked her if she wants to stay with me - not because I am hoping her answer is yes (believe me, even if it was, at this point, I am still done). No, i asked her that because I am tired of being gaslit, insulted, lied to, and hurt. I want her to recognize that she screwed this up and that she doesn't even really want to be with me anyway, so why keep pushing for reconciliation?

I asked her that after she continued to, again, complain to me that I was making a drastic, rash decision and I was being too impatient and not understanding.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8673576
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 7:33 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

You may have accidentally stepped into the pick me dance for a moment there, but now stay strong. You're seeing what happens when you stay strong.

She's probably wavering bc Mark is sending mixed signals now that it's “real” and their affair was probably outed at work. He probably doesn't want a full time girlfriend commitment. A lot of her fantasies are drying up.

Don't look for epiphanies. The fantasies are dying but her limerence for Mark is powerful and will last a long time. What she minimized as a “crush” is all but certainly a full blown affair. Anyway married people don't nurse crushes with other people and hang out at their domicile.

180. File. Move to that new job in the new city and go NC with her as much as you can (realizing that your attorney will still need to be in touch with her).

You don't have any kids. Consider yourself lucky to find this out about her now before decades together, kids and other entanglements.

I want her to recognize that she screwed this up and that she doesn't even really want to be with me anyway, so why keep pushing for reconciliation?

This is fruitless. She isn't going to recognize this, perhaps not for a good long while, perhaps never.

Avoid further fruitless conversation. The quickest way to end these painful conversations is to file and then move to the new city and new job.

This is the same woman who told you “I love you but I'm not in love with you” a short time ago and wants you to look the other way while she's at another man’s apartment until 2 am. Just try to keep that in front of you. Now she's having snotty tear festivals. It doesn't make sense because it is bat shit crazy. Get away from crazy and go live your life.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:42 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673577
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Unrealized ( Member #77151) posted at 7:44 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

My wife said similar things to me…the “I don’t know what to do” etc. For me that was after the ILUBNILWU speech. When I discovered the affair she got angry as well and said it didn’t have anything do do with it blah blah.

End of story was as soon as I started asking questions like where did you meet she wouldn’t speak to me, left and we haven’t spoken since.

My advise for what is worth is cut your losses and move on, with the dog. It’s hard and those first few months were bleak - I’m not sure how I got through them but I did. Life will be better in the future.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2021
id 8673583
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 7:57 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I don't think you are doing "pick me" I think you are in a cycle of wanting a reaction from her, for her to show you kindness or softness or that she still wants you somehow. But I don't think you are trying to get her to pick you. I think you are doing well. But I think you need to stop engaging with her or the cycle of shitty feelings keeps restarting.

You are on the right track, so don't go backwards. Constant forward motion.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8673586
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 8:02 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

she was shocked I would even think about leaving her high and dry with nobody, and then even take her dog away from her.

This is rich. She has nobody. What about Mark - the one who she is willing to throw YOU away for - leaving YOU with nobody - you don't have a girlfriend on the side who you can lean on.

Excuse me while I try to find my tiny violin so I can play a song 'o sympathy for her.

Damn. Can't find it.

I would take the dog. Let her fight you in court for him.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8673591
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:03 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I'm pretty much having the same thought process as Thumos. I'm pretty sure Mark is trying to ease his way out now. Your wife will have nowhere to go once you leave her. She'll realize it soon but it will be too late. She lost a loving husband and replaced him with a temporary fantasy.

All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8673592
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 8:08 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I think people are being a bit hard on CCB for asking his WW if she wants in or not. I'll give an example. Right now there is a thunderstorm going on. The raindrops are big heavy and are coming down fast. There are also lightning. However, someone with CCB's WW's thinking would say that no it's not raining, it's perfectly fine to take the dog for a walk outside right now. So could you blame CCB for sticking is hand out the window and coming back with a fistful of water to try to convince her that she is wrong. Also, feelings don't just shut completely off.

CCB's WW's behavior has to be about the most crazy-making thing possible, if CCB lets it get to him in the slightest. She seems to really believe that CCB is wrong for not wanting to keep on being a doormat and wait at home for her while she 'works on the marriage' by spending all this time with other man. But at this point I hope CCB realizes that logic is useless here, that his one and only goal is to get himself out of this abusive marrriage to this crazy woman.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8673594
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:17 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I think people are being a bit hard on CCB for asking his WW if she wants in or not.

Agreed. I was saying maybe he inadvertently slipped into pick me thinking for a moment but he's being remarkably strong and level headed. Just encouraging him to stay on the path.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673596
Topic is Sleeping.
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