Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:37 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I remember when she finally told me last night that she is in love with him

Oh, did she say this?

Then what's the point of objecting to divorce?

Actually, we know it's monkey branching. But it is absurd to have such an expectation after saying it so clearly. I thought she said something vague as if its direction is not yet clear, like "they have feelings for each other" as you wrote.

You don't even need to wait a minute, just file and serve her.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8670906
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 5:41 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

You are doing fantastic. Beware that she might flip on you and try and come back after the luster of her infatuation with Markie poo wears off. Shut her down completely. Your divorce should be a snap. No alimony or child support to be concerned about. Separation of community assets should be easy. Move quickly and jettison this skank ASAP. It is simply mindblowing that she expects you to wait around while she solidifies her relationship with Markie poo. What utter fucking gall.

Try and end living with her ASAP. I had to live with my ex-WW for three months after I moved to divorce her. It was no fun and hampers healing. Tell her she gets Markie poo and you deserve the dog to help you heal from her treachery. Put it more nicely and if she has any heart she will relinquish any claim to the pup.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:02 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8670935
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 6:10 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Depending on the relationship you have with your in-laws you might want to let her parents know that their daughter is going thru a rough time right now and may need their support.

When they ask why, you can tell the truth that things at home have been weird and you found out she has been dating a man at work named Mark and will not stop contact with him so you are looking seriously at divorce.

Tell them you love and respect them (if you do) and hope you will stay in contact in the future.

All those things are true.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8670942
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 6:21 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

It's funny what we become accustomed to, conditioned to accept. Humans are very adaptable. We learn to live with less. When you get out of this half-ass relationship and find someone who truly loves you with absolute devotion, unconditional devotion, it's a real eye opener. You'll look back on this bullshit and wonder why you put up with this. At least you won't be looking back on twenty years, three kids and a mortgage.

She is not at all devoted to you. This is not that ever lasting love we're all looking for in a LIFE partner. A partner who will stand by you through all the hell and temptations life can throw at you. Through financial crisis, personal health crisis, family health crisis, the rigors of child rearing, the rigors of aging, midlife crisis, sexual issues, the doldrums of long term marriages, etc. She has failed miserably right out the gate during the freaking Honeymoon Phase, the absolute easiest period of a lifelong marriage.

Thank God she revealed her true character and the true character of her love and devotion to you so soon in the marriage.

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8670944
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TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 6:52 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Good for you for standing up for yourself and carving your own path out of this hell you're in. Stay on the course towards divorce and don't let her try to manipulate you into separation.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8670953
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 6:59 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Well-done CheeseCakeBaker!

That conversation--and how you handled it--was perfect, spot-on.

Now the next step on your part is finding your own place, and filing for divorce and serving her with the notice.

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8670956
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:36 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

It’s now out in the open. You are no longer obligated to have any discussions with her in the future.

She loves the OM and basically admitted the M is over.

I’m sorry you had to hear that. It hurts like hell! It’s gut wrenching. Emotionally devastating.

But you only need to talk to her to tell her “I’m Divorcing you”. Anything else is not necessary. You can ignore her as best you can.

She fired you as her H. You owe her nothing.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10556   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8670968
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 8:45 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I think that the honeymoon phase was 6 years ago when they got together, they probably fucked like bunnies.

Now they are approaching the 7 year itch time and she seems to be scratching it.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8670983
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 12:17 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Well done, your WW has admitted to the A and that she's in love with POSOM, no separation needed unless required by law, your ONLY rational choice is to file for D and end this farce, you already told her, so have her served and EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends without warning, all you should tell them is that your WW is having an A with Posom (make sure you name him).

Keep your reputation and integrity, it's not your job to hide her A, it's called "consequences for her huge betrayal". And don't fall for the "let's be friends" bullshit, it's not for you but for her to assuage her guilt and protect her image at your expense. Don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs.

posts: 2414   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8671028
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 1:41 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

She'll be saying "this is nobody's business but ours, right?"

I bet she does. My WW said this.

Please don't buy it. Inform your inlaws, not to get them on your side (they won't be), not for revenge. But to live in truth and integrity.

As Solzhenitsyn said, "Live not by lies."

Blow up the fantasy. No need to protect her bubble.

Betcha Mark starts backpedaling from her as the fantasy implodes.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4249   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8671039
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Caesar ( new member #65621) posted at 2:54 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Well done Cheesecake. You’ve turned the tables on WW and regained power. I was also struck at some of the following.

She cried and cried and confessed that she and Mark do have feelings for each other but she is adamant that it's progressed to nothing physical.

No protestations of love and affection for you? I suspect her claim that nothing physical happen is bogus. Wonder what she would say if you demanded a polygraph?

She told me I was being mean, and not understanding.

.

Where I come from that’s called “chutzpah.” She emotionally battered you for months, disrespected you, and you’re the one being mean? Wonder what she would say if the situation were reversed, hmm?

Then she started begging, crying, saying that it seems like a rash, drastic decision to divorce and that we should try separating first. She didn't really answer. She maintained that she doesn't want to jump straight to Divorce;

Apparently she wants to keep you in reserve in case Marky Boy bolts or doesn’t work out. Also, she’ll probably say the relationship started as a result of separation. You maneuvered perfectly and shut her down. I would suggest you start closing off her escape routes on this by notifying all your family and friends.

Nicely done. You’ve shown smarts, strength, and integritynin standing up to WW. It will get better for you. It will get worse for her.

posts: 34   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern US
id 8671056
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 3:02 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Yup. It’s time to call friends and family to inform them on your terms. The alternate is spendings day/weeks setting the setting the story straight.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8671064
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:11 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Can you do something legally now to protect yourself financially in case she goes on a spending spree or gets surprise with Mark.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8671073
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:25 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I want to say thanks to everyone for the kind words and support. I haven't responded to everybody, because there are a ton of messages and obviously I've got a lot on my mind too.

But know that I am reading, internalizing, and thankful for all of your comments.

Also, to address anyone's (rightful) concerns re: the process/risks of our divorce:

1) Our finances are already separated and we have very little in terms of "marital property". I'm not concerned with this. The biggest "fight" is gonna be over the dog.

2) Divorce - the actual process - is going to be fairly simple. Our state is a no-fault divorce state, and we have already met the required "waiting period" for separation as the state's legal code defines that as either "60 days of living separately" OR "60 days of living under the same roof, but with no sexual cohabitation."

We qualified for the second one months ago.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8671077
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 4:40 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021


1) Our finances are already separated and we have very little in terms of "marital property". I'm not concerned with this. The biggest "fight" is gonna be over the dog.


You can communicate about the dog. I'm pretty sure you'll figure it out.


2) Divorce - the actual process - is going to be fairly simple. Our state is a no-fault divorce state, and we have already met the required "waiting period" for separation as the state's legal code defines that as either "60 days of living separately" OR "60 days of living under the same roof, but with no sexual cohabitation."


It seems to be a seamless process once it gets started. I would personally serve her at her office if I were you but either way it's up to you.

Whether your goal is R or D, you would still need to go through D. The reason being you in full control of the situation. You have assessed that your wife doesn't want to go to D, or doesn't want to at the moment. That's what we assume. Once you have filed for D, then she might come back, Mark might break it up with her or vice versa.

Then it will be the right time for you to establish conditions for R or fake R whatever you choose. Conditions like, full timeline of the affair, NC for Mark and friends who encouraged the affair, access to her data - all electronic devices and other communication media she uses with Mark, burner phones might have been used if they went that route, full disclosure on her locations anytime, STD/STI tests, and polygraph tests to establish if it really went physical or not.

The reason I'm stating is, you know that your wife has a medical condition that makes her avoid sex. It might be possible that they didn't although the chances they did have sex was too high considering they spend most of the nights alone together, 'playing cards' as she said. And to think they are in love with each other, it's a rare possibility that two love birds won't establish sexual relations.

Good luck!

[This message edited by beb252 at 6:53 AM, Wednesday, June 30th]

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8671079
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:14 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I'm sure you already know this but from her response it's not saving your relationship that has her not wanting to divorce. Part of it is how getting divorced will reflect on her. It also gets much harder to pretend to coworkers nothing inappropriate is going on when she's getting divorced. I think she'll also find Mark isn't interested or capable of a full relationship. People that get involved with married people are broken by default or just want a side piece without all the effort required to support someone else. For some it's just a game and once the marriage falls apart they move on to a new victim. If your stbex has any intelligence she already knows this deep down. I. The end that's no longer your problem. She's made her choice. Walk your path free of this disaster of her creation.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8671111
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 11:28 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Talk to your attorney about the possibility of serving divorce papers and also simultaneously putting Mark on notice that your attorney will be taking his deposition (with respect to your wife's behavior).

Why? It's no win for him. He'll dump your wife quickly. It shines the spotlight on both of them, adds to your sense of control - and forces him to lie under oath.

Have her served at work simultaneously contact her hr dept and let them know that you are divorcing because she has been in at least and emotional affair with Marc, that this affair has destroyed your marriage. Most law firms have very strict rules against fraternization. There will be consequences. Blow up her world . Inform BOTH families why you are divorcing.

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8671118
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 11:28 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Double post

[This message edited by redwing6 at 5:31 AM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8671119
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 11:28 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Remember, now that you are moving to D , you are de fCto adversaries. From now on carry a var with you everywhere and make sure you turn it on when you are together.

[This message edited by redwing6 at 5:30 AM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8671120
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 2:10 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I remember when she finally told me last night that she is in love with him

Whoa, I didn't realize she had actually said that, your initial narrative said "got feelings".

I'm sure you are savvy enough to point out the contradiction here. If she truly loves another man, what in the world would she want to stay married to you for? Aren't you giving her her way out, now? What's she crying about? Nostalgia? Nostalgia isn't enough to stay married to. I tried that myself. I'm not saying you should beat the subject to death. You've gone through the hard part. I am just curious what she actually considers marriage to be, and what her expectations of you were going forward. I suspect you're not going to get a coherent answer.

I agree, she's desperate. I think she's unsure if Mark feels about her like she feels about him and you have informed her her decision is irrevocable. She also doesn't want to be "the woman who couldn't stay faithful to her husband for even two years". Facts are a bitch, aren't they.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8671142
Topic is Sleeping.
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