Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 6:41 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

CCB,

I am so happy that you are taking steps out of infidelity. You are feeling the relief of taking back your dignity and self respect. Good for you.

Now more than ever you need the experience of this community. They KNOW the mind of a cheater (especially Bigger and Faithfulman) and will guide you through the shit storm you have turned around to face. Please heed the advice you will get, but you still must think for yourself and your situation. Take a moment to reflect on the accurate advice you have been given so far and how it played out when acted upon. How good it felt. Remember that feeling. Folks here will predict word for word what she is about to dump on you and you will be amazed. Your WW is just a run of the mill cheater, nothing special, and you will see that soon enough. Stay strong and read No More Mr. Nice Guy and The Dead Bedroom Fix soon. And congratulations for leaving infidelity.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8670813
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:42 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I think I know the reason why she wants to go for separation first. So while you're separated she will have the excuse to date Mark openly while under the guise of you being separated. So she can claim that you are indeed on a trial separation. Good idea from her or them both. So while you're separated, they will devise a plan to go through with the divorce disguising all the events as 'it didn't work out' for the both of you. Only you gets hurt, you will be divorced and the two of them continue their 'legal relationship'.

However, they missed the chance when you confronted her with a divorce. Some people will question the divorce and both of them might be screwed once you file. Most people will have an idea of the reason for the divorce since the two of them are always together.

Good job!

[This message edited by beb252 at 11:29 AM, Tuesday, June 29th]

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670817
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 9:43 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Good job, you handled it very well.

She cried and cried and confessed that she and Mark do have feelings for each other but she is adamant that it's progressed to nothing physical.

So she's admitted that she's been lying to you for months. Your previous fights, accusations etc. it was all her fault. She manipulated you to hide her A. It's not just her cheating, but these attitudes also show her personality.

By the way, now that she confessed to EA and had so many opportunities, you probably know by now that their A was fully physical.

While it was a stupid lie that they smoke weed and just chat until late as friends, it's a far more stupid lie to believe that they're not physically involved as EA partners now. The WS mind never changes.

saying that I'd "already made up my mind without her".

You would have included her if you could find her. Meanwhile, she was having a good days with Mark. In fact, if she was there for you, you wouldn't need to do anything without her anyway.

Stupid cheater mind still.

Then she started begging, crying, saying that it seems like a rash, drastic decision to divorce and that we should try separating first.

After all that crying and begging, at least here, she would be expected to say, albeit falsely, that she loved you and wanted to stay married to you or something. If you don't feel these things, why are you crying and begging? But no, she just wants time to put the ducks in a row.

If things go well with Mark, she'll come over and say, "Okay, honey, let's get a divorce, why didn't we do this before, why did we even get married?"

If things don't go well with Mark, she'll come back this time and say "I realized that all I wanted was you, even when I was with Mark, a part of me always loved you." Instead of "Mark didn't want a serious relationship with a cheating, lying woman, he just wanted to fuck me" of course.

I booked a flight to go stay with my family this weekend.

Tell your family what happened and that you're getting divorced. Their support is important at this time. You should also call your WW's parents and tell them what happened and that you're getting divorced.

Btw, if you're still in doubt as to whether their A is physical, or if you need tangible proof, you can hire a PI while you're with your family.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8670818
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:23 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I cannot describe the immense relief I felt when I told her we should proceed to get divorced.

I thought so :). You now have control of your life again. YOU have the power to get out of your misery and be happy again.

When you come back from your trip, it is possible that she’ll tell you that she “broke up” with Mark and wants to give your marriage another chance. If you continue with D, you’ll be fine. If you remotely consider an offer like that, post here first.

But don’t hope she will turn around. Your only objective is to get out of infidelity. You can be happy without her, she’s just a cheater. Like another poster said, not many men are interested in a former adulterous wife.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8670823
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 11:36 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Double post

[This message edited by clouds777 at 7:00 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

posts: 127   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8670830
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 11:36 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Now that she admitted the EA, you can see how she purposefully gaslight you to make you think you were imagining things. You absolutely should tell your family and hers just the facts - she is having an affair and you're divorcing her. She can try to make herself the victim but that's not your problem because you're getting out of infidelity and she gets to live life as a liar and a cheater.

She wasn't even loyal to her vows for the second year of marriage. This reveals who she really is. Mark may lose interest in committing to someone who doesn't care about their vows. And then she will really try to be the victim. It's a story we have all seen hundreds of times. Again, you're the prize here. She's not.

You absolutely should have her served at work. The process can always be stopped but you need to take back control of this situation. Given her treatment of you, it is likely you'll feel immensely better as you take steps to get away from the source of your pain.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 7:37 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

posts: 127   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8670831
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 11:44 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Then she started begging, crying, saying that it seems like a rash, drastic decision to divorce and that we should try separating first.

IMO, whether you want to R or D, your next step is the same. Blow up her fantasy and affair without warning. Be decisive, no tears in front of her, show zero tolerance for her behavior.

File for D before she does (stall for time) - it will give you immediate relief and sense of control.

Have her served (without warning) at her office in full view of Mark and her coworkers.

Even her coworkers know her behavior is inappropriate for a married woman.

They typically justify their affair to the OM (Mark) and coworkers by claiming marital problems. She presents herself to the OM and coworkers as a 'good' person victimized by a dysfunctional spouse/bad marriage.

Your wife's reaction is so very typical and one we've seen countless times:

1 - ideally, she'd like to stay married while pursuing Mark (translation Mark has not indicated he wants to marry her). She probably justified her affair to Mark by claiming marital problems.

2 - separation: second best solution for her is a separation or transition period so she can save her professional reputation at work - while pursuing Mark. She will inform coworkers she tried her best and then she'll file claiming a friendly divorce to cover her tracks.

3 - She is not your friend. You have no grounds to trust her. Her tears and drama are not for you.

Don't even think of freezing the divorce process (or giving her a second chance) until she finds another job, goes 100% NC with Mark, and provides a timeline (subject to a polygraph test).

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670832
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:34 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Have her served (without warning) at her office in full view of Mark and her coworkers.

I very much agree with this.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8670838
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 1:45 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

IMO, whether you want to R or D, your next step is the same. Blow up her fantasy and affair without warning. Be decisive, no tears in front of her, show zero tolerance for her behavior.

I'm actually extremely proud of myself that when we DID talk last night and I told her i'm done I had ZERO TEARS whatsoever. It got to the point that she even told me I was acting like a brick wall and showing no emotion.

She'd been doing that to me for the past three months whenever I'd try to open up to her about how I was feeling and what I was thinking.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8670858
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:46 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

It's ok to cry (we've all been there) - but NOT in front of her.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670859
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 1:47 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

It's ok to cry (we've all been there) - but NOT in front of her.

Oh I definitely cried my eyes out in the other room late last night and in the shower this morning. But I am proud that I did not do that in front of her.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8670860
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:53 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Talk to your attorney about the possibility of serving divorce papers and also simultaneously putting Mark on notice that your attorney will be taking his deposition (with respect to your wife's behavior).

Why? It's no win for him. He'll dump your wife quickly. It shines the spotlight on both of them, adds to your sense of control - and forces him to lie under oath.

And deep down his coworkers know/will believe that he lied.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:55 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670864
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 2:02 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

You're doing great. You should be very proud of yourself for taking back control.

She KNEW she was hurting you. She KNEW she was lying and gaslighting you to get away with what she wanted to get away with. So her complaining about you being a brick wall now is rich.

She only cares because she may actually face consequences. She didn't care when the only negative things to happen were destroying your sanity and hurting your feelings. It says a lot about her.

Keep going. You're doing really well. Like other posters ha e said, whether you want to R or D, your actions should be the same. Blow up her fantasy and get yourself out of infidelity one step at a time.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 8:07 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

posts: 127   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8670869
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 2:30 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

WOW, CCB, what a sea change. Well done indeed. It feels great to be out of limbo, doesn't it?

She cried and cried and confessed that she and Mark do have feelings for each other but she is adamant that it's progressed to nothing physical.

I sincerely doubt it. She lied to you already repeatedly, what's one more lie? Physical, emotional, it doesn't matter any more. She's hardly been a faithful partner even by her own standards.

I threw out the D word several times and she got super upset and emotional, saying that I'd "already made up my mind without her". I told her that she had made up her mind to pursue those feelings with Mark and did nothing to stop it back then.

This is the perfect point. Right here. One thing she can't claim is that YOU didn't try to communicate with her. SHE can't say the same-- you weren't consulted about how you felt about her having a boyfriend on the side in this marriage. That was completely her decision, 100% of it. You couldn't control that. You could control what you do next, and that totally shocked her. I'm baffled why she is so upset. She's getting what she truly wants and she's crying and getting emotional about it? Maybe what she truly wants is to a husband and a boyfriend to party with? I guess that really only works out if the husband agrees to be the voluntary chump in that arrangement. You just served notice you won't be a chump any more. I bet it felt good.

That put her on edge too - she told me I was being mean, and not understanding. I told her that I wasn't going to put up with this anymore.

Hmmm.. I know you're going through a lot, but this is pretty damned laughable. MEAN? Because you don't want to have a third party in your marriage? Seems pretty straightforward to me. What does "being understanding" mean to her? To roll over and accept that your wife can have a side piece and still be married to you? Where was her understanding of your view of this arrangement? I'd love to hear what she wants you to understand here.

Then she started begging, crying, saying that it seems like a rash, drastic decision to divorce and that we should try separating first.

And how would separation change a woman who has made a conscious decision to abandon her husband emotionally and physically and give those feelings to someone else? The thing is, it ISN'T drastic. You've made an effort to communicate your displeasure. She's not responded to you or basically acted in a very cruel and distant manner to your repeated attempts to warn her of the consequences of her behavior. She has acted as if it didn't manner. How are your actions rash, exactly? They were not out of the blue. She can't say she was blindsided.

I said, "I don't know what that will do for us. You'll just go off with Mark, right?" She didn't really answer. She maintained that she doesn't want to jump straight to Divorce; I maintained that I see no other option at this point.

Again, perfect response. It's called consequences. I think she was in monkey branch mode and you cut her branch just now. Now she's swinging in the air hoping the Mark branch pans out. Maybe it will, maybe it won't-- but she's definitely panicking now that she see's your not providing plan B any more. You are absolutely right-- separation would just give her the hall pass she desperately wants. I also think she's deathly afraid of what it looks like when a newlywed couple gets divorced after only 2 years of marriage. Not good for her, believe me. If you have no children (I don't remember you saying you did), you have no obligations to play nice-nice with her once the dissolution has been finalized. It was infidelity, it was her choice and those are the facts. I bet she'll want you to keep that fact under wraps. She'll be saying "this is nobody's business but ours, right?" going forward.

I owe you an apology. I honestly thought you would be stuck in limbo going forward. You have handled your infidelity situation with honesty, integrity and you weren't the least bit underhanded about anything the entire time. Very well done. It ain't over yet, but the worst part is.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 8:34 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8670880
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

She'd been doing that to me for the past three months whenever I'd try to open up to her about how I was feeling and what I was thinking.

If she brings it up again that you are acting cold I’d have no problem with you telling her what you said above.

Always keep it short and simple. If she’s going to ever rebuild what she destroyed, she needs to take the lead and make things happen, create a plan that includes NC for ever with the piece of shit she’s been dating, getting him out of her heart completely, working in IC on why her boundaries were so poor and fixing them and helping you heal from the wound she inflicted.

You can’t do any of that for her. And it will take months or perhaps years to do.

In the meantime keep on the path you are on. You deserve a relationship you can be proud of with someone who returns the same values. She’s not that person right now and may never be.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8670885
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Again, perfect response. It's called consequences. I think she was in monkey branch mode and you cut her branch just now. Now she's swinging in the air hoping the Mark branch pans out. Maybe it will, maybe it won't-- but she's definitely panicking now that she see's your not providing plan B any more. You are absolutely right-- separation would just give her the hall pass she desperately wants. I also think she's deathly afraid of what it looks like when a newlywed couple gets divorced after only 2 years of marriage. Not good for her, believe me. If you have no children (I don't remember you saying you did), you have no obligations to play nice-nice with her once the dissolution has been finalized. It was infidelity, it was her choice and those are the facts. I bet she'll want you to keep that fact under wraps. She'll be saying "this is nobody's business but ours, right?" going forward.

I owe you an apology. I honestly thought you would be stuck in limbo going forward. You have handled your infidelity situation with honesty, integrity and you weren't the least bit underhanded about anything the entire time. Very well done. It ain't over yet, but the worst part is.

Thank you KingofNothing.

I totally see her panicking. Freaking out that I am willing to leave. It was extremely telling to me that she refused to outright agree to 100% NC with Mark. She definitely wants to stay in touch with him. That hurt to hear.

It fucking sucked. The whole talk last night, all the months leading up to it. It was devastating. I remember when she finally told me last night that she is in love with him, my response was just a calm, "ok." The hardest thing a person could hear from their spouse and...I felt relief?

I know that the coming weeks and months are going to suck. But I feel better today than I have in months. And I still want to cry and punch a wall out of anger...but somehow I feel better.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8670887
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 3:00 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

CCB you are doing great. I know it has been mentioned a lot but again - you are so young. I know it doesn't make this pain any less, but you have so much life ahead of you and so much time to find someone worthy of your love.

So proud of your progress. Stay strong. Don't let her manipulate you. She could have told you she would cut off all contact with him but she didn't. You deserve - and will find - so much better.

Stay strong.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8670892
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 3:09 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

She hasn't done a single thing on the lists everyone has given you.

Separation is a ploy, and I wouldn't consider it unless the list to start R is done. Just proceed with D.

You haven't said anything about her offering to let you read her texts, no transparency, refuses to go NC. You have nothing to work with in separation, just more bullshit.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8670894
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 3:16 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I'm actually extremely proud of myself that when we DID talk last night and I told her i'm done I had ZERO TEARS whatsoever. It got to the point that she even told me I was acting like a brick wall and showing no emotion.

She'd been doing that to me for the past three months whenever I'd try to open up to her about how I was feeling and what I was thinking.

And so you should be.

On the other hand, I think this is very instructive for you. Now that you're finally done, you may have noticed how her cries and beggings are starting to seem repulsive to you. And when you did that before, you now start to realize how it looks to her. Besides, you still have feelings for her, you had to force yourself to act like that, her callousness was completely natural.

As you cease to be the old you, you will realize that she is no longer the person you thought she was before.

Now that you have regained your self-confidence, you may not be able to change things completely, but you have taken control of your own life.

Keep that composure that looks like a brick wall to her. She will try to destroy it. All those cries and tears are for that.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8670899
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:16 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Staying in touch means cake eating. The affair will continue.

Your life is completely up to you. No one else.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670900
Topic is Sleeping.
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