Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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Rufus ( new member #75754) posted at 3:37 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Yep. You are to be commended. Stay strong.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8670767
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 3:39 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

she told me I was being mean

You big mean-ee, you won't let your wife have a boyfriend.

I don't blame you for jumping straight to divorce.

Your wife isn't digging the bucket of cold water dumped on her head.

posts: 346   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8670769
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 3:44 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Good job! You changed my mind there! Now you took control of things which is good! I wouldn't agree that it didn't progress to 'physical'. All those nights she stayed at Mark's place, it's hard to believe that. Cheaters lie, they always do!

Stay the course!

All the best!

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670772
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 3:45 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Wow, that’s really good progress. Did it actually feel good to say “no more” ?

It’s a good idea to fly away for the weekend.

One gets to wonder how WS mind work? She should be happy to be free to be with Mark?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8670774
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Justaguy61 ( new member #75431) posted at 3:47 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Congratulations on taking the painful but necessary and freeing action of deciding for YOU! Her responses show you are 100% correct and her "feelings" for Mark are intimate. That said she is likely in the affair fog and now that you are no longer a doormat you stock and value go up and she at some point may well come begging back. Stay strong and don't be plan B.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8670775
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 3:53 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Good for you. She basically admitted she wants to continue to try him out as a boyfriend and keep you around in case she needs you. Fuck that. She didn't even offer to end her relationship with him because she doesn't want to. She is sure you'll just let her have a boyfriend. I cannot wrap my mind around selfish wayward thinking.

Stay strong and move forward out of infidelity. I'm sorry she isn't who you thought she was. You are the prize here, not her.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8670776
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 3:54 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

CCB,

Now, be prepared for love bombs and unlimited sexual favors. That's her next step for you to stay. It's up to you if you want to have sex with your wife without having to undergo STD tests first. You have to be firm on that.

You need to tell her that you don't trust her and have her take the test. I know you still want to be physically intimate with your wife but with how things happened for the last 6 months, you should tell her that you don't trust that she didn't do anything physical with Mark.

All the best!

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670777
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:06 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

She cried and cried and confessed that she and Mark do have feelings for each other but she is adamant that it's progressed to nothing physical. I told her that regardless, I don't feel that we can continue how things are and that we should separate.

Cheaters lie a lot. They are spending time together/going out on dates but it’s not physical.

She’s want to eat more cake at your expense of course.

Good job. Never make empty threats or it’ll just get worse.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670781
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 4:20 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Way to go CCB! Stay strong. Start the divorce process. No way should she get a chance to see how things go with Markie poo while you sit on the sidelines. Don't believe her BS about it not getting physical. Remember she refuses to give you any physical intimacy for months. Go find a worthy partner. She is not that person.

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8670782
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:33 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

It’s time for no contact. There’s nothing to talk about.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670786
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Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 4:46 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Good for you. She didn't beg to stay, she didn't tell you how much she loves you, not Mark? I am so sorry.

...we should try separating first. I said, "I don't know what that will do for us. You'll just go off with Mark, right?" She didn't really answer.

Now the power shifts. She knows she's in a precarious place. A separation would allow her to keep you as the safety net and play the dating game with Mark.

A divorce puts her at a disadvantage. Single men are often leery about formalizing their relationship with their fmw. Once their married AP becomes free, they suddenly realize she's a lying, drunken (in her case) cheater who treated her H like shit.

Suddenly she's not good enough to be the wife.

Good for you to lay down the law. This is how to teach your wife to respect you.

I'm sorry it came at such a personal cost. It gets better.

posts: 140   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8670789
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:46 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I cannot describe the immense relief I felt when I told her we should proceed to get divorced.

The other "good" feeling I had was basically realizing that ... she's made a choice. She's picking him. By not outright saying she'll cut things off completely with him, she's made a choice.

I don't want to be with someone who won't choose me.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8670790
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:47 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Thank you for listening. I think you’ll find your self esteem will slowly grow back now.

You cannot fix a relationship where one of the partners is in love with someone else. And when you said it didn’t matter if it was physical or not ( it is physical but… whatever), that was perfect.

I agree. No more talking right now. You’ve laid down some boundaries and stated what you need. Try to get some support from your time with your family.

Good job.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8670791
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:28 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Brother, excellent job. You are seeing what happens when you get strong.

Now stay strong. 180 hard for you and your mental and physical health, not for her or to seek her attention.

She has confirmed basically everything we’ve said. This “not physical” stuff is the first line of minimization many WW’s choose. They understand sleeping with another man is a dealbreaker for most faithful men.

As long as this has been going I’m extremely skeptical nothing physical has happened. And I’m fairly certain based on what you’ve told us they had sex.

I’m still married to my WW but when she slept with OM in our home and I found out, I knew it was a dealbreaker. Unlike me you don’t have kids in the picture.

Keep your head on as straight as you can. We all know how gut wrenching this is.

You are right to stay firm. She wants to execute a plan A/plan B branch swinging strategy — even if she probably would not articulate it that way herself.

Don’t be anyone’s plan B.

Anything short of her going completely NC with this other man, seeking new employment, a full STD test, turning her phone over to you for retrieval of deleted information, a comprehensive written timeline and a polygraph passed with flying colors should be the end of the discussion.

Does Mark have a girlfriend in the picture? If so she should be told. You might also inform your Inlaws that your wife has disclosed an affair.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4249   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8670798
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:30 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

By not outright saying she'll cut things off completely with him, she's made a choice.

I don't want to be with someone who won't choose me.

Yep. You have clarity.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4249   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8670799
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:38 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

She said you were mean and not understanding.

Astonishing what comes out of their mouths when you start getting clear and laying down boundaries isn’t it?

She was hoping for a soft landing where she could spin a story about how you two “drifted apart” and then this wonderful Mark entered the picture.

You’re taking that away from her. Completely take it away from her now. Tell her parents she is having an affair but hasn’t admitted to the extent even tho it’s been going on for months, and that you simply won’t enable her adultery.

Then Mark will forever be the cheating player who broke up her first marriage, and he won’t be the knight in shining armor in her parents’ eyes.

Not for revenge here. It implodes the fantasy she’s living in and forces her to confront the ugly reality of what she’s done.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4249   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8670800
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 5:52 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I’m sorry your WW doesn’t respect you enough to at the very least try to salvage your marriage. You handled that discussion very well. Good for you for taking some time away from her. She wants to test drive Plan A while having Plan B waiting patiently.

Let the POS have her. Relationships spawned from affairs have a very, very low success rate. Wouldn’t surprise me that she ties it out with POS, it doesn’t work and she has her “coming to god moment” and realizes what she has done and wants to save the marriage.

You being decisive and talking D has probably shaken her. She probably assumed she could string you along, long enough to monkey branch to the OM.

Let her go to “live her best life”.

posts: 720   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8670803
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 5:55 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I'm pretty sure filing for divorce will definitely mess up Mark's life too. Remember when you spoke with the coworker who handles these type of cases. The law firm will also act upon it if the affair suddenly comes into light.

They definitely have an affair, your wife admitted to it already. I think they're just doing damage control right now in order to not be revealed.

Good luck!

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670805
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 6:02 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Good job!

I can't believe she actually asked you to basically wait around and be her backup plan.

The mind of the wayward never ceases to surprise me.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8670808
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:03 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

The other "good" feeling I had was basically realizing that ... she's made a choice. She's picking him. By not outright saying she'll cut things off completely with him, she's made a choice.

Take a few moments and ask yourself. What are you losing?

Not much. You are way to young to waste another second on this. Let her go fully and free yourself.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670809
Topic is Sleeping.
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