Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 6:41 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

RE: the dog, did you adopt or buy? I have adopted mine and they were both in my name only, so I have a contract with the rescue adopting the dogs. I am keeping them. It is fine to be worried about your dog, they are family!!!!

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8669903
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 7:20 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

We adopted the dog. It's in both of our name's :(

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8669939
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justastatistic ( Member #36314) posted at 7:45 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Skip the PI, skip the VAR. Those are only necessary when your spouse says there's nothing wrong, you're just paranoid, she only wants you etc., and you need to know the truth.

In your case, you already know there is someone else. Whether it's physical or not yet isn't really important. What's important is that given the choice, she isn't choosing you. Just see an attorney and do what needs to be done.

Oh, and be prepared that when you move the separation/divorce forward and she takes her affair with Mark physical or ends up with him, she tells you that it's your fault that she ended up with Mark. It'll be bullshit, but I'd bet money she'll blame you for it because you wouldn't wait to see what happens with them.

posts: 295   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2012
id 8669955
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Ariopolis ( Member #75786) posted at 7:53 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I feel overwhelmed and dizzy and like everything is spinning and I'm waiting to try and take those first steps when I feel a bit more grounded.

I understand this completely. You are reacting normally to an actual threat. Your body is screaming at you to protect yourself. It's going to take time to adjust.

Make sure you eat, stay hydrated and please talk to an attorney just to get the lay of the land.

Please check in with us often to let us know how you are doing. Never let your W know about this place. This is your safe place.

posts: 140   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8669967
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:25 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

CCB,

I'm happy to see you're focusing on your well-being now. Enjoy the weekend with your puppy!
All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669989
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 12:26 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

I understand this completely. You are reacting normally to an actual threat. Your body is screaming at you to protect yourself. It's going to take time to adjust.

Make sure you eat, stay hydrated and please talk to an attorney just to get the lay of the land.

Please check in with us often to let us know how you are doing. Never let your W know about this place. This is your safe place.

Thanks for understanding. This place has done wonders for me. It feels so good to feel supported and validated, when the person I thought loved me can't provide those for me...

I will admit, I have had a really hard time eating. I've dropped 10 pounds in the last two months. No appetite. Eating is hard. Everything tastes and feels like sawdust

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8670103
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 1:10 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

Protein shakes are a good substitute until you get your appetite back.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8670116
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 5:18 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

What's your wife doing this weekend?

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670210
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Ariopolis ( Member #75786) posted at 9:34 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

What small thing can I do, right now, to move me (inch-by-inch) closer to the endgame?

You can buy a semen detection kit on Amazon for $40. You use the strips on her panties after a night out with him.

posts: 140   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8670235
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Unrealized ( Member #77151) posted at 4:33 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

At some point I think it’s worth accepting she is having an affair and stop investigating. If you do find concrete evidence is it going to help or just hurt? Your story is so similar to mine that I’m reading every post. It was tough for months but then it wasn’t. I focused on work, exercise and the kids. I dropped booze, that also helped. Now I am feeling pretty good, although I do have bad days. It will get better it really will. She isn’t worth it, she isn’t the person you fell in love with. Out of interest what are her parents like? Mine MIL has been a nightmare….wonder if it’ runs in the family

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2021
id 8670314
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 9:34 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Sorry but she is gone, there has been nil consequences for her openly dating him in front of you.

Even her work colleagues have picked up on this.

The ILYBNILWY has been stated. Expose this to all as you don’t need her permission.

Keep that dog.

Hard 180, time to be that grey rock, start ic as she is gone.

Sorry but one day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8670330
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 9:04 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Alright, so, yesterday I ended up talking to the Coworker that my wife mentioned had been the one who approached her/Mark about "what was going on with them". I took my dog over to play with Coworker's dog. I straight up asked him if had ever noticed anything "weird" going on between my wife and Mark. He said "No, I've never seen anything that gives me pause."

I then kinda opened up to him about the marriage issues and emotional distance my wife and I have been having. He sat and listened to me. But I could tell he was getting increasingly uncomfortable. He kept reiterating that he hadn't seen anything and then tried to change the subject. I asked if he had noticed them being handsy or extra flirty or whatever when they were drunk at the wedding. He said no, but was kinda reserved and looked so uncomfortable. He was shifting in his seat, not looking at me, abruptly talking about different things to get me off the topic. Classic liars' tells.

I feel like he's lying to me. I feel like he knows more than he's letting on. I told him about them going to soccer games, going out to dinner/drinks, staying out late at Mark's place...he said he didn't know about any of that - and that part I believe.

But still: it was fishy. I think he knows more, but doesn't want to get involved in my marriage. But at the same time, he was asking me more questions about their outside-the-office activities...because he is involved in office management and he appreciated knowing about anything that could cause disruptions in the office or harm business. Still, I could tell he wasn't being entirely truthful with me and it hurts.

I think my wife "loves me" in the sense that she has gotten so used to our life together, and to me being around, so she's scared to actually tell me because she doesn't want things to change. I'm gonna have to be the one to do it.

I've been acting extremely cold and distant to her the last few days. I mentioned that I went to coworker's house, and (not sure) but I am guessing she is very nervous and on edge, wondering what I asked him and what he told me. Unfortunately, he didn't "tell me" anything...but it was pretty clear he knew.

So I'm trying to figure out a way to best use that guilt/nervousness I am sure she's feeling to try and have a conversation where I say, "Look, I have known you a long time. I can tell when you aren't being honest with me and that is what this all feels like. I know you aren't in love with me and haven't been for a long time. If you are in love with someone else, I want you to tell me. If you care about me at ALL, I want you to be open and honest with me...Because I'm not an idiot and I don't want to be the last person to 'find out' that my wife is in love with another man."

Either way I just want to tell her that (1) I can't keep being hurt like this, and it's incredibly damaging how she seems to dismiss my feelings and the fact that she is hurting me every day with this; and (2) I don't want to be with someone who is in love with someone else. It's not fair to me, or to her. She should be happy with the person she is in love with. If it's not me, then ok. But I don't want to be the "third wheel" in my own marriage.

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 3:05 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8670430
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:19 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

CCB,

From the coworker's body language as you mentioned, there's definitely something going on. If he can read you too, he knew you knew. I admire your courage in trying to face the truth.
Your wife either doesn't really care about you, since you're clearly hurting in front of her or she's really in to deep with her affair. And she doesn't know you exist.

Good luck!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670434
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 9:19 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

You know the answer to your question. Remember, she won't be intimate with you and she won't even hug you per your words. So if she doesn't give you the correct answer, don't accept it. No physical intimacy between a young newly married husband and wife is simply not acceptable. It is the red flag of red flags.

BTW, did the Coworker attend the recent marriage? Did you ask him how Mark and your WW behaved toward each other?

[This message edited by src9043 at 3:22 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8670433
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 9:26 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

BTW, did the Coworker attend the recent marriage? Did you ask him how Mark and your WW behaved toward each other?

Yes! I forgot to mention. He was the designated driver. I specifically asked him if he noticed them being handsy, or all over each other, or how they were behaving when they were drunk with each other. He didn't give me any information. I really tried to steer him towards giving me anything...but he didn't, just gave me that same uncomfortable vibe.

He was the one who dropped her off at my house drunk that night. He told me he took Mark home first, then someone else, then my wife before he went home himself. He said he didn't notice anything weird between them. I find it extremely hard to believe.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8670435
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 9:29 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Honestly it’s not unusual to have him keep anything quiet. He’d be risking both personal and professional drama by getting involved. Frankly I probably wouldn’t have asked him.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8670436
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jinkazama ( Member #61319) posted at 9:41 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I can understand what you want

You just want a solid evidence of her cheating to act.

So what about the PI?????

You should do something and try to get out of this situation as soon as possible

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8670438
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 9:42 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

CCB, I think putting finding "proof" of your WW having an affair w "Mark" in your path when it comes to moving forward, would be a mistake. Your wife is not doing her part to hold up the marriage, and that is why you need to move on.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8670439
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 9:47 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I confronted my ex-wife on a Monday night. The entire day at work I kept telling myself that events had progressed to the point that I could no longer deny the obvious. I sat her down and gave her a speech similar to what you want to do. It was hard, very hard. I knew the marriage was over the instant she confessed. We both agreed. It was surreal but liberating. I felt so liberated from her and her lies. It wasn't easy, we had a three-year-old that made it all that much more heartbreaking. You don't want to be in my shoes having to pull the plug when there are children involved. Good luck to you. Stay strong and take care of yourself. The truth will set you free.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8670440
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 9:49 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Either way I just want to tell her that (1) I can't keep being hurt like this, and it's incredibly damaging how she seems to dismiss my feelings and the fact that she is hurting me every day with this; and (2) I don't want to be with someone who is in love with someone else. It's not fair to me, or to her. She should be happy with the person she is in love with. If it's not me, then ok. But I don't want to be the "third wheel" in my own marriage.

Another more proactive way of saying the same thing would be to...

Tell her that you are unhappy and that you know that she is unhappy. That she has proven that she would rather talk to, be with Mark than with you. That it's ok for them to continue their relationship if that makes her happy but not as your wife. That you aren't going to be able to fix this marriage with a third wheel so you are going to step aside and get the ball rolling with divorce papers.

If tries to say that Mark is just a friend then you can tell her that their friendship is causing you pain. The multiple nights together and other suspious activies have taken it too far. Friend or not it's causing you pain and hurting your marriage.

If she tries to tell you anything other than she is willing to give up Mark to fix the marriage you need to let it go. You are both really young and you can to far better than this woman.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8670441
Topic is Sleeping.
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