Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
What now?

default

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:32 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Be prepared for your wife to “lovebomb” you. She’s already started.

You can expect to hear a million “I’m sorry” and “it didn’t mean anything” and the standard “it was just sex — I didn’t love him”.

All of it is just nonsense. She needs to own the choice she made to cheat. Period.

If she can at least do that — you have a chance to reconcile. You may be one of the lucky marriages that survive infidelity.

Only time and your wife’s behavior will tell. I applaud you for telling g her to leave immediately- it shows her that you are coming from a place of strength and control over the situation.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8669088
default

Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:07 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

You're going to be on a roller coaster of emotions ranging from love - hate to depression & despair.

You'll even feel sorry for her at times (called the white knight syndrome).

It will take time for the roller coaster to level off (there's no short cut).

I promise it gets better in time.

Your immediate reaction (whether you eventually R or D) is pretty much the same for the next few months.

1 - Delay making any important decision (R or D) for at least 45 days (extend as necessary)until the roller coaster levels off

2- See your doctor for help sleeping & anxiety

3 - Focus on yourself (your heath, exercise, diet, hobbies, therapy for infidelity)

4 - Inform your wife that you're leaning towards D but will make a final decision in 45 days (extend as necessary).

Inform her that: in the Interim she has time to prove she deserves a second chance; and since she is now a 'liar & cheat', nothing she says or promises is reliable. Therefore, R vs D depends on what she does (not what she says).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:09 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8669091
default

Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:13 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

You can love her and still decide to divorce her.

The basis for your decision should (among other things) rest on whether she's fixed herself (knows why she did it and has a plan to prevent it from recurring) - and most important of all is whether you feel she's a safe partner.

Experience shows that her tears and self hate alone (and all the pain and shame she brought on herself) are not a basis to conclude that she will never cheat again.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8669093
default

Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 1:28 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Brother, your now in the shitty club.

Let’s help you get through this. If her family didn’t speak up you wouldn’t know. Hence she can lie very good and right to your face, remember that for every text, voice mail and letter she sends.

You need to get in a good head space. Exercise, this will help burn off the stress you are under. Even if it is just walking.

Booze is a depressant. It won’t help, so drink water and a shit load of it. Food probably looks like poo and taste like shit. But you need to eat healthy. Shit in shit out. Nutrition in better head space. Lawyer up so you need to understand your rights and her responsibilities.

Remember it wasn’t a mistake but a series of her conscious decisions that let this get to where she is now. No it was never a mistake. Has she broken off the A or is she continuing to see OM? Is it a coworker? If so HR needs to be involved as there may be some harassment consequences if they work together.

Get your finances under control separate accounts, you don’t want to be funding her affair. Take half of all joint finances.

Eventually you will have to communicate with her. Emotions will be high but control Mr Anger. Carry a VAR at all times when with her. STD and STI checks are needed for both parties. Start the hard 180 now. Make no long term relationship decisions on a whim. She had the A for months you take time in making a call. Remember it is what is best for you not what she wants.

Tell your children, they have a right to know. Keep it appropriate for them, there is no need to bad mouth her to them as she is their mother.

Has your WW broken off the A? It is a waist of time trying to work through this shit while she is still in contact with her AP.

She has to be NC with him, no I have to get closure or let him down. No I love you texts when the NC letter is sent.

Can I ask how her brother and sister found out?

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 7:32 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8669096
default

chepo1966 ( New Member #75720) posted at 1:36 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

First of all, I would ask you to stop drinking and worry about yourself, I don't know why you go to a therapist, but it must be important to you

Friend, I would advise you, that you keep the separation, and you do not do anything, to talk to her, if you start, that would show her that you are a devil man and without character, that women do not like, it is only a advice.

The other, you should start doing exercises, enroll in a gym, this will help you both physically and mentally, it will significantly increase your self-esteem, and it will help you to see things from another perspective, even if you do not believe, physical activity is as recommended as a therapist, or they can be complemented.

Try to be the most indifferent to her, this woman betrayed your family and put the safety of your children at risk both physically and mentally, due to the consequences of infedelity,

I would recommend you, talk to a lawyer, try to put some cameras in your house, and tax all communication with her, I know you may think that it is exaggerated, but experience says that you do it, remember, that this woman is not , the woman you married.

Luck and strength, you are a good man and a great father, do not let your wife's decisions harm you, you are on all this shit.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2020
id 8669101
default

asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 1:48 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

They are all her proclaiming her love for me, saying how sorry she is for what she's done, begging me to take her back.

Words from a cheater don’t mean squat. What has she done? Quit her job and gone no contact? Scheduled individual counseling? Offered to tell you anything you need to know with no more lies? Started writing out a timeline?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8669104
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:13 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Upfront they are very sorry they got caught and will promise you the moon. Cheaters all lie a lot so you can’t trust anything she says.

Don’t lie to your kids. Tell them the truth in a sanitized way. Your mom has been having an affair with (tell them who he is).

If her other man is married you should inform his wife without warning your wife.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8669109
default

 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 2:29 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Got back from my appointment with my therapist. Things are still confusing but he and this community have pointed me in the direction that I should take now.

My therapist doesn't have experience dealing with adultery trauma, but he has indicated me one that does. I'll schedule an appointment with them. That being said, he has given me some advice on the next few steps. He told me to drop the drink and to start exercising. He also told me to take my time in confronting me my WW in person, that I need to make sure I'm ready to be in the same environment as she is.

Now, to address some questions that I have received. My WW's AP is not married. He started working with her last year. He is 23, barely older than our daughter. My SIL caught them holding hands one day when they were at the mall and confronted her.

This morning, I sent her a text, telling some things that I expected from her. I told her that I'm still not sure of what course of action I want to take, but that there are some things I expect if reconciliation is to even be a possibility. I told her that we both need to be tested for STIs, that she is to break up and stop all contact with AP and that she needs to tell me everything that they did together. I still haven't heard back from her. Right now, I'm considering whether or not I should go confront my wife to hear what she has to say. She has been staying at her parents' house.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8669114
default

TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Man that's hard. I'm sorry you are going through this. My STBX has a taste for younger men too.

The most important thing for you to do is not rush. Time is on your side, remember that. Your cheating spouse has been exposed and she is spinning her own wheels right now. I suggest you get a sleeping med prescription from your doctor, go buy some protein shakes and coconut water to keep yourself hydrated and nourished. They are better than not eating at all.

And most importantly go see three lawyers for consults. Find out what your legal options are and what you can expect in a divorce. Not knowing is far worse than knowing when it comes to divorce. With knowledge comes power.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8669119
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:58 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

My SIL caught them holding hands one day when they were at the mall and confronted her.

Wow. Sounds like she was openly dating her other man in public. Infidelity is a lifelong gift she’s served you. Sorry.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8669124
default

stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 3:01 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

So glad to hear that your therapist has referred you to someone that has experience with betrayal trauma. That was a game changer for me!

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8669126
default

Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 3:09 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

This morning, I sent her a text, telling some things that I expected from her.

My advice, in the strongest terms, is to resist the urge to communicate about this with your WW via text or email or such. It's a passive way of communicating, the worst possible way to problem-solve.

You've by now probably read about "the rollercoaster". This is a normal process for newly minted BH's, where your feelings and thoughts swing wildly back and forth. It's why the 180 is advised. You need to give yourself some psychological space and time, to find your heart's truth.

The fundamental reality that you need to come to terms with is the following: the wife you thought you are married to exists only in your imagination. The real human woman you are actually married to is the kind of person who will decide to lie to you, sneak around behind your back, and have (probably unprotected) sex with another man.

The question you need to seek an answer to: "Do I want to be married to this kind of person. A person who will make these choices.

Notice I use "decide" and "choice." Be mindful that your WW will almost certainly try to use the word "mistake". Do not let her get away with that. A mistake is accidentally using baking soda when you intended to use baking powder, or leaving your keys in your car. Sex with another man doesn't happen by "mistake". She made hundreds of choices along the way. She chose to let her gaze linger too long, to smile at him conspiratorially. She chose to let her body curve toward his in response to his first probing touch. She chose to close her eyes and part her lips for his first kiss. She chose to take off her clothes and let him enter her. She did these things because she wanted to, she wanted him inside of her. And she lied to you, snuck around, etc., so that she could continue this.

I phrase it that way because not every cheater is a candidate for R. No matter what you want, the only way R can work is if she owns this, admits it to you frankly and plainly, talks to you with honesty about it, and then undertakes the work of figuring out what is fucked up inside of her that would lead her to make these choices. To become somebody new, somebody who is revolted by the old person, who would not make the same choices.

That of course is necessary, but not sufficient. For many men, the sexual humiliation and emasculation of the cheating is simply too much to overcome, no matter what she does. These and many other issues are things you need to figure out.

Keep in mind that reconciliation, if it works, is a giant process. Gut-wrenching, and all-consuming. It takes years of investment of time and energy. Like 5-6 years. And in the end it may not work. Meanwhile, you'll never get that time back. It's a big risk to you to even try.

I get it that you don't know what you want. The overwhelming desire of most men when learning of an affair is to long for the "before" time, the marriage unstained by cheating. The first step for you is accepting that this was a fantasy that didn't exist, even when you thought it did. There is no going back to it.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8669127
default

goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 3:28 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

You might want to contact OM's parents just to let them know how great a son they have to get involved with a woman almost of their age.

also this may help: in youtube ven. Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma's talk on attachment and clinging. It may help you in the process

[This message edited by goalong at 9:31 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 772   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8669135
default

Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 4:29 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

She chose to let her gaze linger too long, to smile at him conspiratorially. She chose to let her body curve toward his in response to his first probing touch. She chose to close her eyes and part her lips for his first kiss. She chose to take off her clothes and let him enter her.

Whilst I fully see and agree with the point you are making, c'mon we don't need to rub it in with the Mills & Boon.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8669152
default

DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 4:59 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

I disagree, with asking people not to be descriptive, the BS needs to face the reality of the offence and sometimes the picture must be painted because the freshly betrayed mind is often in denial.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8669158
default

Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 5:18 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

the BS needs to face the reality of the offence and sometimes the picture must be painted because the freshly betrayed mind is often in denial

.

You can paint a hard-hitting picture without the emotive and florid language. Its also the case that we could be encouraging mind-movies or making them a lot worse doing this, by putting these pictures into his head.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8669161
default

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:24 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Sounds like a typical mid life crisis affair.

My H had one - she was 20 years younger than him. After a few months into the Affair he was convinced he wanted to be young and single.

My counselor told me he sees more good marriages destroyed by a mid life affair crisis than anything else.

How sad 😢

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8669162
default

Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 5:36 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Sounds like a typical mid life crisis affair.

Yes, it does

My counselor told me he sees more good marriages destroyed by a mid life affair crisis than anything else.

I think the reason is that the BS probably also is going through a mid-life crisis, but decided and chose to deal with it not by cheating, but by living an examined life and, in this case, making efforts to revitalize the marriage.

The fact is, millions of married people get through their mid life crisis without deciding to have sex outside of the marriage.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:38 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8669164
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:27 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Hmmm ... your therapist agrees with us. Looks like a good therapist.

I believe honesty is essential to your recovery, which is why I argued for reading your W's texts. I should have added that you can't believe them. They simply suggest where she's at.

At least you know that she says she wants to R. The big questions are around what you want. You don;t have to offer R, but you can if you want it or think you might want it.

No matter what, if R is a possibility, it's best to test your W. Ask questions? Do you believe her answers? Yes is positive for R; no is negative.

Is she doing something you don't like? Raise the issue and ask for a change. Does she work with you to resolve the issue? Yes is positive for R; no is negative.

The best goal isn't R or D. The best goal is figuring out the best resolution for you and your family. Maybe it's R, maybe it's D, maybe it's waiting for more data.

Have faith in yourself to figure this out. IMO, you're smart to seek help ... but that still leaves you with the task of deciding which counsel to follow. You are the arbiter of your recovery.

*****

My reco is to separate the aftermath of your W's A into 3 things: your healing, your W's healing, and your M's healing or ending.

You heal you. No one else can do that work.

Your W heals herself. No one else can do that work.

If you both want to stay together, you work together to heal/build/rebuild your M.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8669178
default

keptmyword ( Member #35526) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

If she really does mean all of that, why did she go and betray me the way she did?

Because none of what she did had anything to do with you or your marriage.

This is purely a personal failure on her part.

Don’t waste your time whatsoever in trying to think of what you may have done or what marital issues may have “driven her into the arms of another man” - that’s all Hollywood depravity and bullshit.

This was drug-like for her.

She got an endorphin/dopamine rush out of it that kept her going back.

Had she decided instead to try a shot of heroin, how much do you think you would have to do with her decision to do that?

Nothing.

Addicts will put everything on the line in order to satisfy the addiction.

She put her marriage, her family, your health, her integrity, her dignity, and relationship with her children all on the line to satisfy this addiction.

None of this was about you.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1134   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8669187
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy