Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
What now?

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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 8:30 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

I caution you not burn bridges with your son. He is angry at his mother and he has every right to be.

I think it is interesting that you rail against what you perceive as your son's misogyny, while ignoring your WW's misandrist behavior towards her affair partner, treating him like a toy, like a piece of meat, to be used and then discarded when you found out about him and her precarious house of cards came crashing down.

Don't destroy your son's image of you by being a hypocrite.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8678600
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 8:49 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

You old life is dead and gone. It's best you count that out not only as an option, but as a comparison to your current life.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
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VinST ( Member #61493) posted at 11:13 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

I just so happen to live in Brasil myself. I know the culture very well ...!!!

Your son is not being a misogynist, he is saying it like it is. Lets face it ... your wife got the exciting sex from a more energetic younger stud. Do you think your son doesn't understand what this entails? How will he ever look at his mother the same way again?

Truth be told, he see's your inability to act as a weakness. Perhaps he expects you to react as a man who does not tolerate his wife being used as a toy by a younger buck!

The truth is this young stud got to enjoy your wife and did not have to put up the baggage that comes with a marriage after so many years. Knowing what I know about affairs, you could say he probably got to have his way with her... Your son is looking to see his dad take decisive action. simple as that!

posts: 180   ·   registered: Nov. 20th, 2017
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 1:05 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

I think it is interesting that you rail against what you perceive as your son's misogyny, while ignoring your WW's misandrist behavior towards her affair partner, treating him like a toy, like a piece of meat, to be used and then discarded when you found out about him and her precarious house of cards came crashing down.

Your son is not being a misogynist, he is saying it like it is.

With all due respect, this is a load of horseshit. So now I'm supposed to sympathize with the POS that had an affair with my wife? "Oh, boo-hoo, my wife broke up her affair after she got caught. Poor, poor little boy. How could she have done that to him?"

Listen, my wife having an affair, that was horrible. Her hurting the family so much, that was horrible. Leaving her AP behind? That was the least that could be expected of her.

My son is lashing out at every woman. He is calling all women, whores, sluts and every other degrading name that the Portuguese language has for women. That is misoginy. His very innocent sister is a constant target of his abuse. That is misogyny and I will not tolerate it. Whatever it is that my wife has done, does not justify this kind of behavior.

Truth be told, he see's your inability to act as a weakness. Perhaps he expects you to react as a man who does not tolerate his wife being used as a toy by a younger buck!

The truth is this young stud got to enjoy your wife and did not have to put up the baggage that comes with a marriage after so many years. Knowing what I know about affairs, you could say he probably got to have his way with her... Your son is looking to see his dad take decisive action. simple as that!

I'd say having my wife leave the home and contacting a divorce attorney was decisive action. What comes next is not his decision to make. I will eventually make that decision. He's not the one that decides what is the best course of action that I have to take for my life. I am the only person that can decide what's the best course of action going forward.

[This message edited by Tacit at 7:19 PM, July 26th (Monday)]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8678707
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 1:12 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

It’s fine man, you’re parenting the way that you see fit which is admirable given the circumstances. Your son is acting out in his own way which really just highlights that when someone cheats, it’s not just on their spouse but their entire family. Just as you are a victim of abuse both of your children are as well and probably need some help dealing with it.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
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Lurkster ( New Member #77252) posted at 2:13 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

I’m very surprised by the amount of veterans weighing in to excuse the son’s behavior. The only thing we should be helping Tacit with is how to decide if he should allow his WW to reenter the marriage after banging someone else for several months by weighing in on how to decide, what he can expect to eat in terms of a shit sandwich, and how to assign the proper consequences if he does decide to reconcile.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8678722
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Tacit:

You are doing fine. It’s a fine line and a real balancing act to be there for you son knowing the hurt and pain he feels because of your WW’s actions, and yet act as a firm parent to enforce boundaries on his reactions and let him know what is unacceptable while dealing with your own emotions. Keep doing what you are doing with your son. Ignore advice that conflicts with your values. Your values are just fine. Good to see that your WW was willing to take a polygraph exam and she passed. Baby steps. Take care of you. Give yourself some time to sort this all out. You will.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:55 PM, July 26th (Monday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 10:32 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

You need to have stern words with your son.

His mother is just a cheater. But All women deserve to be treated with respect even his mother.

His mum needs to build their relationship but he can’t be verbally abusive to all females.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 4:33 AM, July 27th (Tuesday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8678781
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 3:34 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Tacit, I agree your son’s reaction is out of proportion to your situation. While he’s certainly entitled to feeling betrayed by his mother,(he has been) to paint every woman as untrustworthy so viscerally is a strange reaction. Has he been impacted by infidelity in other ways? In his own relationships or those of close friends? Has a trusted female friend been revealed as a cheater? Has there been a rash of infidelity among his friend group?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 5:45 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

I'm wondering if the son got cheated on by a girl and hasn't told anyone about it. Tacit, have you sat him down and asked him where all of this anger is coming from? Have you actually talked to him?

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8678894
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 6:02 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Has he been impacted by infidelity in other ways? In his own relationships or those of close friends? Has a trusted female friend been revealed as a cheater? Has there been a rash of infidelity among his friend group?

Not that I know of, but I think that you might be on to something. Every time I tried to talk to him about his reaction he has stonewalled me. He refuses to listen to me, to talk to me about what he's feeling and to go to therapy to address his pain.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8678901
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 7:23 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Tacit I am going to be real with you: it is no longer your place to tell your son how to feel or how to act in his private life or in public. While under your roof or with respect to your wife? Absolutely you have the right to lay down rules as to what you will tolerate or what you will not. But you cannot and should not try to change your son.

He's 29. He is not going to listen to you anyways. Love him, be there for him, be an example, but don't take his abuse towards you, your daughter or your wife. If you have to tell him to no longer come to your house or interact with his mom until he can be more respectful, then you have every right to set that boundary, but as for how he treats women in his personal life or in public, keep your nose out of it and stop proselytizing and forcing your personal beliefs on him.

What is his complaint with his sister?

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 1:25 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8678944
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 8:23 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

I don’t think parenting ends at the stroke of midnight when a child turns 18. JMO bad behavior is bad behavior and it doesn’t matter who or how old they are, good people shouldn’t stand idly by and watch others spread hateful rhetoric. I pray the gentleman here would have courage and be of enough character to step in if they were to hear another man being sexist. That duty should apply to us all.

i.e. Many many years ago, my mother used to use a homophobic slur. I do believe she was truly ignorant on why that word is inappropriate. I told her under no circumstances is she to repeat that word and explained why it’s cruel and hurtful. She’s never repeated it again. And would correct someone swiftly if they said it in front of her. Adults are capable of helping other adults be good people.

Same if a friend were cheating, they may be an adult, but I’d step in immediately to castigate them. And they may tell me to mind my business but at least I wouldn’t feel complicit staying mute.

Tacit I think you are doing right by your son. You’d be negligent as a man & father to sit back silently, watching your son spiral. It’s been hypothesized a girl may have betrayed him because he’s had such a vicious reaction. That’s a possibility. I have my own thoughts re your infidelity situation. But as a gentleman, you’re a good egg :) all JMO …

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 191   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8678961
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Never2late ( New Member #79079) posted at 8:38 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

As adults all can set personal boundaries. If your son doesn't respect yours you can disconnect him from your life if you so please.

I do not understand what his sister has to do with this situation...perhaps there is more going on here?

In any case I do understand his complete disappointment with his mother. I'm an old man now but had this been me in my 20s I would have been shattered. How this is ultimately expressed is perhaps another matter but no son wants to learn such things about how his mother is so low. His general view on women could also be tainted. If she can do this what hope is there for other women. This is difficult to deal with although abuse is unacceptable.

[This message edited by Never2late at 2:40 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)]

posts: 20   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8678967
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 9:19 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

In any case I do understand his complete disappointment with his mother. I'm an old man now but had this been me in my 20s I would have been shattered.

I understand this also. My mother was a fantastic woman. She was/is special in my eyes, and I always considered my father a lucky man to be with her(turns out that my dad was dynamite also....they were great together). If I discovered something like your son, I can barely imagine the devastation that I would feel.

Regardless, your son is an adult. And just like you, he was betrayed by the same person. This is the shit that infidelity does----it hurts so many people. Your pain, your son's pain, and your daughter's pain are all real, and affecting you in different ways. But like you, your son has to be an adult, and deal with this like an adult. Can he 'divorce' from his mother? I'm sure he can write her off if he chooses. That is his decision to make. But to be disrespectful....particularly to his sibling simply due to her gender? That is one boundary that you need to enforce, because it is the right thing to do. I hope that he sees your boundaries as those of a sensible adult and parent, and comes to his senses.

It's just that his mother's betrayal has really traumatized him, for whatever reasons besides the obvious.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8678974
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 9:33 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

It's disappointing when people find out that their spouse or their parents are mere human beings, flawed sometimes beyond what we previously imagined. That doesn't give any of us leave to turn into monsters and become abusive. I commend you, Tacit, for noticing and setting an example with your son.

The results arrived on Monday. Apparently she was being truthful. I thought that this would help me make a decision, but I'm still at a loss. I still don't know whether to give our marriage a chance, or if I should just go ahead and divorce her. I want our old life, but she hurt me so much.

It's kind of early for MC because sometimes the therapist will inadvertently harm recovery by trying to spread the blame around. WS's need to take full, 100% responsibility for their choice to say "yes" to cheating and lies because they need to figure out why they did that. What you might consider instead is a weekly meeting just to see what kind of progress, if any, your WW is making. You don't need to commit to R just to meet once a week and talk. I think it's somewhat healing when you're dealing with a remorseful WS to hear their apologies anyway. You don't want to set it up like a date or anything. No rewarding with "date nights" at this point. But a half-hour on a park bench with a cup of coffee just to see what, if any, progress is being made might help you clarify your thoughts. Just a suggestion.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:33 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)]

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8678979
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 12:34 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

He's 29. He is not going to listen to you anyways.

He's actually 18, but I see your point. I don't agree with it, but I see it.

What is his complaint with his sister?

I do not understand what his sister has to do with this situation...perhaps there is more going on here?

He blames her and her "feminist friends" for their mother's affair. My daughter joined a women's rights advocay group in college. He believes that "all that feminist bullshit" is what made his mother think it was okay to have an affair. His words, not mine.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8679045
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 12:36 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

But a half-hour on a park bench with a cup of coffee just to see what, if any, progress is being made might help you clarify your thoughts.

I think I can do that. Thank you for the suggestion.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8679046
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 1:01 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

Hope it goes well with him^^^

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8679059
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 10:58 PM on Thursday, July 29th, 2021

He's actually 18, but I see your point. I don't agree with it, but I see it.

My mistake. I thought I read on your original post that he was 29. You had him when you were 29. My bad.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8679599
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