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I told one of our mutual friends today (over text for various reasons). Just about the divorce happening, no details. He said to call anytime, but then when I said I’d call once the children were settled he asked me to call tomorrow as he has work to do tonight and he wants to make sure he can focus on me.

So I’m feeling...snubbed? Lost? Worried that this old friend is about to drop me? Worried that said friend is going to get the story out of STBXWH first and then side with him? I just think if one of my oldest friends told me this kind of news I would drop everything to be there for them.

This whole situation is so hard. I don’t want to lose more people.

How you're feeling is understandable. And the honest truth is that you might lose some friends, not gonna lie. I know for me I found it really triggering sometimes when friends couldn't talk to me, but I knew that I needed to be really aware of my own triggers and to try not to take things too personally.

I take it as a good sign that your friend wants to make sure they have the bandwidth to really talk to you about this and focus on the conversation without distraction.

My advice to you is to be really straightforward about what you need and to say it. That's really uncomfortable in the beginning, but I found it really helped me to ask for specific help from friends as I was going through my D stuff.

Agree 100% with Ellie. With the information you have about your situation, you'd drop everything, but your friend does not have this information, based on my reading of your post (you said "no details").

As someone who has a demanding job and a busy social life, I can drop everything to be there for someone in a real emergency, but if I perceive there is no imminent need, it is better for everyone for me to schedule it a bit - that way I can schedule my day in order to be completely present without thinking of what I'm putting off to have just a chat or what I'm going to have to do later.

If someone texted me and said they'd like to talk after they got their kids settled, I'd assume it's not an emergency because it was a text not a call, and it didn't require their immediate attention because they're going to settle their kids first. If I had plans already (including getting work done), I'd ask if tomorrow worked.

Please don't read into this more than is there. I think it's a great sign that he's trying to reschedule this for tomorrow and not putting you off a week or so.

If your friends don't have time for you, they're not your friends!

Did you ever speak with your friend?

One of the things I have NO regrets over, was meeting or speaking one on one with all exes family members and mutual friends and stating the facts of what happened. After that, it's all on them but whether this person ends up supporting you or not, you will feel better knowing he knows the truth and not only the cheater story which is guaranteed to be BS.

I did end up speaking to him. And it was a really good conversation. He had no idea that infidelity was going to be part of my story, so I guess i was thinking of the information I had rather than what he had.

I have hopes that I’m not going to lose him as a friend. That’s the first mutual friend I’ve told. It’s actually really hard telling mutual friends as I feel like I’m putting them in a difficult position.

So glad to read this update! One of the things I learned about myself coming out of my D and into my new life is how bad I am at communicating. Still working on that! I'm sure you have a wonderful life ahead of you - this was one more step on the way to that!

Part of this journey is figuring out who need to stay, and who needs to go.

I lost what i would have considered my best friend about 7 months ago. (before my divorce was final but after seperation) We talked extensively about my divorce and every manner of personal thing. But in the end, he just couldn't handle the fact that i had stuff going on, it made him weirdly jealous and turned him into a dick. So i kicked him to the curb too- turns out that most of the people i know dislike him and that hes kind of a jerk in general.(10+ year friendship btw)

It's a journey of self discovery and figuring out who you really are, and who you want to share your life with. It isn't always pleasant. But it is illuminating.

I’m so sorry you lost your best friend 99problems. Thank you for sharing. I feel so fragile that the tiniest thing can set me off down a spiral of ‘it’s all catastrophic’. It helps to hear what other people have gone through.

Phmh- that’s a really good point about communicating. I tend to shut down when things are bad. I’m so glad you have a new life now!