Just remember, Reconciliation does NOT start when the WS agrees to do the work to rebuild. It doesn’t EVEN START UNTIL they have nearly completed that work.
The right way to approach this, if you want to give her a chance, and you don’t have to, is to tell her the D will be proceeding no matter what, and her actions during and after that process will show you whether or not there is a chance for more than just coparenting in the future.
In the meantime if you are working on demands, here’s a handy list of things that can often go into a rebuilding plan. Ignore what doesn’t apply to you.
Conditions to consider Reconciliation
1) NC LETTER: Together we write a No Contact letter that we send to your boyfriend. No signs of affection toward him will be relayed at all. It will Be matter of fact and remove him from your life forever.
2) NO CONTACT. Meaning if you work with him you quit your job and find another so you can never see him or run into him again. Real ghosting. Blocking him from everything. If He tries to contact you then you do not respond and you tell me. If he persists our lawyer will send him a cease and desist.
3) TIMELINE: You write out a full timeline of your Affair. Every little detail. Each day you communicated, what was said, even if you were inappropriate and raunchy. The days you were alone together, the physically touching. What you touched, what he touched, how long, and what you said to each other. All sex acts are described. Every single thing. I need to know the truth before I can try and reconcile from it. We will sit together and review it and you’ll openly answer questions about it. You know the truth, I need to know it as well as you do if we are going to have a chance to save this marriage.
4) APOLOGY: You'll write me a letter of apology explaining why you think you did what you did and what it would mean to you to have me stay and work on the marriage. It should include how you think you made me feel during all this time.
5) TIMELINE: Once we have reviewed the timeline and letter you will agree to a polygraph to confirm you have told me the truth.
6) IC: We will both do Individual Counseling. You to figure out why you were willing and able to go beyond our marriage vows. And me to work thru the pain you have caused me.
7) MC: At a later point we will start Marriage Counseling to work on what was missing from the Marriage. But only after we both work on ourselves first. I decide when this starts
8) EXPOSURE:. The true nature of the affair will be exposed to both our families and appropriate close friends. They need to be able to help us make it thru this Reconciliation. Doing this alone with just the two of us and no one else knowing is doomed for failure. If you are truly Remorseful you will be the one to admit what you have done. I will be there to let them know that even though they are probably mad at you for what you have done but I ask that they support you as a couple while you are trying to work through this painful time in your marriage
9)INFORMING OTHER SPOUSE: If your boyfriend has a wife or Girlfriend you will help me contact this spouse. You will not warn him about this as that would be breaking No Contact and if you do we are through.
10) INTIMACY: Intimacy will be on my terms. Whatever I need to heal in whatever fashion you deem necessary. You cannot be forced to do anything you don’t want to, however, I have the right to decide if denying me the intimacy I need is a deal breaker for me.
11) POSTNUP: We will look into implementing a postnup that ensures my financial security and terms of parenting if you ever cheat again.
12) TRANSPARENCY: You will provide open access to all your technology from now on. On demand. No time to delete stuff. I will agree to do the same. If you dont then I assume you are obviously more interested in having secrets than continuing your Marriage. I may also ask for another phone set up as yours so I can actively monitor your activity
13) OUTSIDE RELATIONSHIPS: No more going out without each other unless otherwise approved. Confirming your whereabouts and who you are with will be required as needed.
14) INTERACTION: No more meeting alone with a man. No lunches, dinners, drinks whatever. Social Happy Hours (outside of actual work functions) are to be attended together or not attended at all.
15) READING: We both will do reading on infidelity and we will use them to discuss our marriage. This includes materials such as "Not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal from your affair”
16) STD: STD testing for both of us with Visual proof of the results is required. And we will DNA test the kids and you will pay for it by selling something of value to only you or you working additionally to defray the cost.
17) FUTURE INFIDELITY: No new affairs. If so D papers will be served immediately. No lies about relationships with others any more. If so we are done.
18) COMMUNICATION: Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our lives together.
19) CONFIDANTS: No conversations about our marriage or any other marriage with another man/woman unless we discuss it first and I confirm that it’s ok to talk to that specific person about it.
20) OUR HOME: No one comes in to our home without both us knowing.
21) COMMUNICATION- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear. Discuss all attractions. Discuss all third party attention. Discuss all feelings good and bad. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that to your spouse.
22) CHARACTER: We don't do or say anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the others presence.
23) AFFECTION: we work to show each other moments of tenderness, acts of passion, the creation of new memories, all thru time spent together.
24) ENEMIES: You drop any friends or family members that encouraged or helped you hide the affair. Complete NC with them.
25) OWNING THE A: Ownership of your actions during your affair and no more blameshifting or excuses for your actions.
26)ACTIVELY ENGAGING I need to be treated better than your boyfriend. Whatever you did for him you will have to go further for me. We together will discuss what that means.
27) FINANCIALS: If there were major expenses incurred by you during the A and spent on the AP then you as the Wayward Spouse must find a way to pay back the Marriage for those expenses either by taking on another job or by selling something of value only to you. This will show me that you are ALL IN.
28) EXPOSURE OF GIFTS: any gifts given by the AP are to be destroyed or sold with the funds used for charity or other purpose not benefiting the WS
29) REMOVING MEMORIES: any clothes worn during the affair or household items used (eg couches, beds) should be sold and replaced only by the WS raising the funds on their own (eg second job or selling something of value only to them)
30) SYMBOLS: You ask your betrayed spouse if they want you to continue to wear your wedding ring. It’s up to them. If they feel your actions have ended the M and therefore don’t deserve to wear it until you’ve helped them heal and made them feel safe in the relationship again then you take it off. Perhaps wear a ring that is different than a wedding ring in its place if that’s ok with your betrayed spouse. Either give the wedding ring to them or store it safely until someday they feel comfortable enough for you to wear it again. When that day comes they may want new rings as the old one represents a M that no longer exists. You should discuss this with them when the time comes.