Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
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goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 7:02 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

wow you are a person with a strong mind. I thought just the opposite that you are afraid to confront and because of the frustration you are falling behind in your other tasks like the career and taking care of yourself.

posts: 772   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8668742
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 7:22 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Every single person that’s been cheated on wants that whole thing to go away and to get their lives back. It just does not work that way. You know, we use a lot of euphemisms and titles and descriptions. We throw words around like narcissism. Let’s go back to basics. Good people do good things and bad people do bad things and cheating is bad. She’s not a good person. She has little children and she’s cheating on them and it’s going to ruin their lives. You can’t get around the word bad. That describes what she is and what she does. I think that’s what you have to look at going down the road.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8668747
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 7:31 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

How does a stay at home mom justify repeated overnight stays to be with the OM?

How did they meet? Is the OM an EX?

Is he single?

Is the OM capable of supporting her?

Is the OM interested in marrying her?

I ask because first your circumstances/experience may be useful to the next victim of adultery; and the information may predict how your WW will react (short as well as long term).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:34 PM, June 21st (Monday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668750
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elKAPPYtan ( Member #72085) posted at 9:39 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

In my wife's texts with AP, they actually got an STD test before they "consummated their love", Gee thanks I guess...

Oh, thank God! I was worried that you didn't have more than the word of two cheaters.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 3:40 PM, June 21st (Monday)]

Me: 36WW: 36DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 153   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8668773
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 9:44 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Would I want to R? If I knew the answer to this, I wouldn't be here. Is D best for you, or is it an act of running away from a problem?

Maybe I am running away. Has your lack of confrontation come from fear? It came from sadness and hope.What do you want?

My wife and my kids

Just know that D is a normal and valid response to being cheated on and there are many reasons given for that in the book "Cheating in a Nutshell" if you are interested in exploring that. It's also okay to ask for a D upfront and then decide that you want to R based on what she does. You can still follow through with your plan AND change your mind.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8668775
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 11:31 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I admire your courage, I really do! Despite what your wife has done to you, you still love her.
You still need to be checked for STDs, you never now if the AP has multiple partners or not. Maybe your wife is only one of them.
All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668793
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jinkazama ( Member #61319) posted at 11:42 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Deleted

[This message edited by jinkazama at 5:43 PM, June 21st (Monday)]

[This message edited by jinkazama at 11:43 PM, Monday, June 21st]

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8668795
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Are you planning to inform the OBS?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8668802
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 12:55 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

IMO you should insist on a STD test. Why? because it misleads her into believing you didn't read the texts.

Generally it is not to your advantage to reveal exactly how much you know or your sources of information.

It's also unnecesary because you're not trying to get her to confess - the fact that you serve her with divorce papers says it all.

Keeping her in the dark serves two purposes. First, it undermines their sense of control and the uncertainty drives the cheater crazy. Second, you may need to use your sources again to reveal her strategy in divorce and/or monitor her in R.

She made some careless mistakes with her credit card purchases, videos, texting, and phone records. Don't educate her on how to cheat better the next time with you or the next guy.

How do you know? First, she doesn't deserve any explainaton. However, you could say you hired a PI and now have enough proof to convince her own mother.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:51 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668811
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 ASoreLoser (original poster New Member #78968) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

3 months ago I caught my wife cheating. It's the little things that set it off actually. Her phone was always turned upside down, she would be easily annoyed by me, basically, I noticed behaviour I haven't noticed from our 8 years of marriage. I snooped on her phone and saw a woman's name but the texts indicate otherwise. I found out she was having an affair but I didn't know with who. I just know that she had lost it.

When I found out I initially was filled with rage but it quickly turned to sadness. I don't know why but I felt that I lost. You know that feeling when you get rejected for a job you really like? multiply that by x999999, then double it. It felt so bad that I didn't want anything to do with it. I compartmentalized what I felt. I let her affair be hers and our family mine. I didn't confront her that evening. I tried to "walk it off" and not do anything rash. But as days go by, I felt more like a loser than I did yesterday.

I linked her phone's cloud to one of my spare phones so I can see everything. From their text messages to pictures.

I found out who the AP was, but there was no indication for exactly how long. He's an ex-bf from high school with 2 kids and married. They were talking about they should've stayed together, how they wish things could've been different, how they planned things.

When I read the messages from sexting all the way to simple nothings, it really broke my heart. 1 month later, I found this site because I needed guidance. I read that the first thing to do is talk to a lawyer and that's what I did.

I guess I was preserving the love that I have for her by not confronting her. I was afraid to face reality and buried myself in work.

Flash forward today, where everything is ready, I will confront her tonight. No more excuses. No more holidays. No more sex.

I kept it short as I only wanted to highlight the important things. If you guys need more details just ask.

[This message edited by ASoreLoser at 9:01 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8668865
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 3:24 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Have they met up in person? Have they been physical? Do you have proof of that too?

I wish you well and good luck tonight. Perhaps read these three pages again to review the advice of those who have walked in your shoes ahead of you.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8668871
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 3:25 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Find out how to contact his wife. Call her right before you confront. She has the right to know.

What an amazing person you are. Your ability to tell what it feels like to lose your ideals in seconds is awesome. The description you give of what it feels like should be read by every person contemplating cheating on their SO.

Good luck.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8668872
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 3:30 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Just keep it simple, stick to the facts.

As far as possible, I know it's almost impossible, but still, keep emotion out of it.

Record everything.

Don't compromise on your boundaries.

Be ready to walk away when things go South.

Have somewhere else to sleep tonight, if needed, but preferably she should be the one to go if sharing a house is untenable.

Good luck, I do not envy you for what needs to be done, but most of us have been through this. You will make it.

One step at a time, make sure they are in the right direction.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8668876
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:33 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I found out who the AP was, but there was no indication for exactly how long. He's an ex-bf from high school with 2 kids and married. They were talking about they should've stayed together, how they wish things could've been different, how they planned things.

From what you’ve posted (hiding AP under a woman’s name). Your wife put some thought and effort into this.

If you’ve been reading here you know to inform his wife. Don’t skip this step.

Don’t offer R upfront or jump into marriage counseling. Your marriage isn’t broken but your wife is. Be prepared to let her go.

Sorry you’re here.

Be ready for: Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Get strong and stay there. No matter what happens you’ll come out better that way.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:39 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8668877
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 ASoreLoser (original poster New Member #78968) posted at 3:53 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Booyah, you're right I'll schedule an appointment this week.

goalong, I don't know why but when I found out about her affair I didn't "shut down" like most do, instead I did everything I can to not face reality. Work, kids, gym, some hobbies, then more work.

Cooley2here, I see your point. However; I have a different view on the definition of good and bad. People are just that - people, it's just up to them whether they do bad or good things.

Robert22205https, They didn't stay the night. He's an ex. He's married with 2 kids. He can support her. I don't know about marriage but they wish they ended up together.

elKAPPYtan, haha, let's skip the creative criticism now.

ShutterHappy, would I be a bad person if I didn't? Why do I need to? I get that line "If it we're me" but she doesn't deserve what I'm feeling now. Do people deserve the truth more then happiness?

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8668882
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

ShutterHappy, would I be a bad person if I didn't? Why do I need to? I get that line "If it we're me" but she doesn't deserve what I'm feeling now. Do people deserve the truth more then happiness?

Yes, you would be a bad person if you didn't inform the BOW.

There is some nuance. If the BOW is a person who could negatively impact your WW's career/earnings, so that your financial burden from a divorce would increase, then you would be advised to delay informing the BOW until after the D is final.

Similarly, if your WW is inclined to give you a favorable mediated or stipulated D settlement, but might become combative and drag the process out if you inform the BOW, then you would be advised to delay informing the BOW until after the D is final.

Note, though, that in both cases, it's merely a matter of delay. You would in fact be a bad person if you simply choose to never inform her.

There are dozens of threads here where a BS learned via being informed by the OBS. Most are grateful for the truth. Conversely, there are dozens of threads where a BS informed the OBS. Again, in most cases the OBS is grateful. Often, the two BS's work together to flesh out the truth.

See the thread about MLB player Zobrist and his current litigation (over in General). He learned about his WW's A when the OBS told him.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 10:32 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8668884
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jujuchrist ( New Member #78594) posted at 4:06 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Do people deserve the truth more then happiness?

What OW deserves is the right to decide for her life (which is exactly what you are going to do for you tonight).

If OW continues to live like this for years while her husband betrays her, it is as if he is stealing her own life, since he has made her live in a relationship that she believes is true but does not exist. She has the right to know about this betrayal in order to decide for herself if she continues to live in this relationship or in another.

She also has the right to know she has to test to STDs..

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 10:08 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

Julien

posts: 40   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8668886
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 4:08 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

ASoreLoser,

You should really reconsider informing the OBS. You state

would I be a bad person if I didn't? Why do I need to? I get that line "If it we're me" but she doesn't deserve what I'm feeling now. Do people deserve the truth more then happiness?

The OBS doesn't deserve being cheated on but it is happening anyway. She is being denied agency to determine the best course of action for her and her kids. You also don't know if the OM is or has been cheating with other women. At a minimum, he is potentially exposing her to STDs.

Any "happiness" she may be experiencing now is an illusion.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8668887
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:12 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Her phone was always turned upside down, she would be easily annoyed by me, basically, I noticed behaviour I haven't noticed from our 8 years of marriage.

The other mans wife is probably going through this or worse and not know why. You would not be destroying anything. Her husband has already done that by cheating on her. If you were her would you want to know the truth? It’s easier dealing with a known versus an unknown.

Don’t worry about pushing your wife away. She already left. If you want to try and work on your marriage the affair has to stop. Exposure to the other betrayed spouse is the best option to try and end the affair.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8668890
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 4:24 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

If you want to keep reconciliation as an option inform the other betrayed spouse. Nothing stops an affair quicker than exposure. Her AP will likely drop her like she’s a flaming coal covered in covid in an effort to save his own marriage.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8668895
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