Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Feeling defeated

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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:45 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Suggestion: tell her upfront how you value trust and honesty in your relationship and you expect her to be honest.

When she starts iying and you know it, remind her that you expect the truth. If she continues to lie tell her you will very quickly end this discussion.

She can rage or get angry. Don’t get sucked into it. Calmly tell her you know she’s been cheating. Tell her you have proof but do not want to go down the road if having to prove it to her as that is not productive.

I hope this helps you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8668434
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Gotsmart ( New Member #75684) posted at 12:03 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

I happen to be a fan of shock and awe. High risk high reward. You totally blindsiding her may work in your favor in regards to reconciliation. Reality will set in really quick as to the severity of her actions. I’ve read many a story similar and the WS snaps out of the affair fog almost immediately when they realize life as they currently know it will be changing forever. You have all your ducks in a row and this will set her back on her heels and puts you in the driver seat. Obviously you run the risk of her being Ok with the divorce. If that’s the case you had a very slim chance at reconciling anyway. I wish you well.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2020
id 8668442
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 12:46 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Where are all your children going to be during this confrontation??? You can't count on a WS to be reasonable and adult when they're busted on DDay. If they were thinking rationally, they wouldn't be cheating, right? If your kids aren't with a sitter, you might need to rethink your plan. The last thing you want is for any of your sweet babies' first memories to be mom and dad yelling and crying.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8668448
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 1:33 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

It feels awkward replying to your username...

Sorry this is happening to you. You should focus on your healing from now on. I hope everything goes well when you speak to your wife.
All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668454
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 2:04 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Sorry you're here.

Good luck tomorrow mate.

I think it's time to draw a line in the sand. As Stevesn suggested tell her if she's wants another man, then leave the marriage. You won't tolerate a cheating wife.

Bang. Black and white. There's no sense drawing this out with her giving you maybe's and I don't know what I want to do, I love both of you.

Fuck that.

Go into tomorrow being fully prepared to move on, she maybe already has. Face this head on.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8668461
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lifestoshort ( Member #18442) posted at 3:46 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

gosh no one wants to be here. I'm shocked you haven't said anything. how can you keep a straight face or remain calm in the same house? ugh,you have to be a ball of nerves.

as far as the voice recorder, isn't that illegal unless they know you are recording. or just can be in personal use but not for court or with police? wish I would have thought of that even if I could only use it for myself.

Good luck when you confront. Hope she fesses up.

Im 45. 1st H I left in 2001 after 3 kids. narcassist.
2nd exH had MANY affairs.FALSE R. cheats again. D 5/09. 2 kids. I got 100% custody. ex hasnt seen kids in 5 yrs.
2014 to now: dated highschool sweetheart. He cheated w 23 yr old. she stayed

posts: 1049   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2008
id 8668475
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 ASoreLoser (original poster New Member #78968) posted at 1:30 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Typing this on my phone. This just happened, today was supposed to be the day where all hell breaks loose, till I woke up to my twins serving me breakfast in bed. I was surprised at what's the fuss is all about then I noticed my wife filming the whole thing. I think to myself, do they already know and this is their way of saying that they don't want me to break up the family? Then they said "Happy father's day!". I completely forgot. I didn't even notice the heading of this website.

As a father, I never really wanted to have a day dedicated to me, the things I do for my kids are enough gratification for me. I'm fine being "the guy behind the scenes" and not taking any credit (Do any other dads feel this way? I'm pretty sure all dads feel this way). My kids can hate me for all I care, I just want them to live a better life than I did. But I'm not gonna lie, this day feels good. Though I got completely knocked off my course of action and it's safe to say that there will be nothing happening today but me spending precious quality time with my kids, they have a whole day planned for me and my wife. Just one more day of wearing the mask.

I called my friend and told him the plans have changed.

ChamomileTea, I planned to do it tonight in my office when my friend (He will be in the other room) comes over while the kids are asleep. I didn't really think much of it.

I appreciate your replies, really. Thank you for that. I'll answer the other questions soon, and beb252, why is my username weird to reply to?

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8668503
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goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 2:32 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

provided she is in a A, looks like she is like Mrs wallop. The affair is completely out side. just a private thing. She may even have no regard for the OM.

She may be genuine in thinking so. she loves you intimae with you as before. Just to compensate for a little guilt/confusion she may feel, she does some niceties like the one today.

If you decide to divorce she may come to grief and genuinely think that you are overreacting.

In my opinion you should not involve your friend for confrontation. especially if you are planning to reconcile

[This message edited by goalong at 8:44 AM, June 20th (Sunday)]

posts: 772   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8668509
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 2:53 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

But I'm not gonna lie, this day feels good.

Why this apologetic tone? Do what feels good to you, only you know how much you deserve it. If you want to have a nice day with kids and forgo the confrontation, you get to have a nice day with kids and forgo the confrontation. Case closed :-)

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8668516
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 3:37 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

You're doing everything correctly, by the book. All of these emotions you're experiencing are absolutely normal. I would proceed as planned.

You are only serving her D-Papers and initiating a divorce process that is, by design, a protracted methodical process with many opportunities built-in to pause and reverse the process if you change your mind. By serving her, you are showing her your resolve. There's nothing more attractive and more admirable to a cheater than a BS who shows resolve, self respect, self determination and protects their dignity.

The very first thing you want to achieve on DD is to get yourself out of infidelity and protect you and your kids from any further harm and hazards that affairs bring into a family. Serving D papers is a very effective tool in this regard. Nothing shocks a Wayward out of their affair bubble faster than D-papers.

This is ALL on her. This is out of your hands. She has forced these consequences. Instinctively, you're taking responsibility, as the man of the house but, you're not responsible for any of this. You, YOU alone can't save this marriage. It's really not up to you. It's all on her to save this marriage. To save you and the marriage. If she's compelled to save the marriage, she has to know-unequivocally, that she's saving it from an impending Divorce and she's gonna have to dig deep and pull out all the stops. No half measures. No f...ing around. This is the day of reckoning. Her actions from this point forward will dictate your continuing course of action.

Your kids aren't old enough to understand but, someday they should come to respect how their Father handled himself through this crisis. This A needs to be stopped now and a true and genuine R or a decisive D needs to begin post haste for the well-being of your children and your own sanctity.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:02 AM, June 20th (Sunday)]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8668523
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 4:19 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

ASoreLoser,

Sorry to hear this has happened to you. None of this is your fault. Not sure whether the OM has a wife or girlfriend, but I would recommend you inform them shortly before or after you serve your wife with divorce papers. Nothing kills an affair like a bright light that reveals their horrible choices. You should also consider informing your respective families so they understand what is happening and why. All of this will make the affair less of a thrill seeking fantasy and more like the sordid betrayal it actually is...

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8668527
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 5:41 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

It must have been very difficult for 2.5 months to live without making her feel that you know her A. I don't know if that included intimacy? Maybe she has distanced herself already or did she just sense something wasn't right by your side? Anyway, confrontation seems a bit delayed due to father's day and she probably has other surprises. I wonder, what would her reaction be if she initiate some intimacy and you refused and said there were things to talk about with her later? Would she think you were going to tell her you were cheating on her, or would she realize she was caught?

We've seen some cases before confrontation here where WSs ask BSs if they're cheating on them when they sense something wrong.

Just wanted to remind you in case you might want to try this too to see how far she can go.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8668539
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HappilyMarried1 ( Member #77296) posted at 8:11 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

I'm glad you held off until tonight @ASoreLoser I had posted that exact thing in my post yesterday about today being Father's Day. Good job! I know tonight is still going to be a rough night for you. Best of luck!

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021
id 8668566
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:57 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

ASoreLoser,
It feels awkward because it seems like I’m calling you as one. Apologies if this has offended you.

All the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 11:34 PM, Sunday, June 20th]

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668587
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 2:07 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I think discretion was the better part of valor. Obviously you couldn't go thru with it after breakfast in bed from the kids.

That said, I think shock and awe are your friends.

I would recommend you move forward with your gut instincts and serve her. This is not a bluff on your part and if she shows she is worth reconciliation you can always hit the brakes.

I would not move out and instead would ask her to move out and give you a minimum 30 day therapeutic separation.

This will give you mental space away from her. If you feel better without her, you will know why.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8668605
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babypuke ( Member #56585) posted at 7:39 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Strength! We BS all want(ed) to stay with our WS because we BS all want(ed) that the WS does/did not cheat on us.

The Fathers Day was not about her but about you and your children and I hope you could enjoy it and that you will have many good/better Fathers Days to come in the many next years.

When she will get to know that you know about her affair many bad things may/will start because then you will become a threat to her and will become her enemy, you have prepared yourself legally but you better also prepare yourself mentally and physically (e.g., carry a VAR to protect yourself against false claims of abuse). Likely, the monster in her will come out then.

I do understand you think you need to give her a chance and to let her tell about her side of the story and to defend herself, of course you still love her and you need to know you did everything you could to repair things before you would divorce her. At the same time, you have no obligation or responsibility to do so, you would make an extra effort while she does everything the opposite by undermining the marriage with her affair.

You did not tell us the context of her affair, who the AP is and if there is any danger to expect from her and the AP (other than STDs), such factors may help in determining whether to let her speak and defend herself or for you to just end the marriage swiftly and walk away.

Overall, it is an experience here that serving divorce papers and exposure of her affair in the social network may help in destroying the affair, and that after the dust settles the BS may see whether there still is something left to repair and build on or not. If not, so be it and hello new happy life without cheating wife.

Strength and best wishes.

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
id 8668629
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jinkazama ( Member #61319) posted at 12:46 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

So you know about this for two months

have you had sex with her in this time?????

i am talking of STDs....

since you are lurking on this forum so you must know of std test have you done it.

dont tell her everything that you know of her affair they lie alot so who knows? what you know maybe the tip of the iceberg

just tell her you know and see how she act and yes enforce 180 for some time.

i have another question

are you sure about moving out wont make problems for custody of kids if it doesn`t work out???

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8668662
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 ASoreLoser (original poster New Member #78968) posted at 6:00 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I'm typing this as I'm at lunch so I'm sorry if my answers are half-baked.

Robert22205https, I live in NYC, as per my lawyer divorce can take from 6 weeks to over a year depending on if both parties will decide to make it difficult. Yes, grounds are acceptable reasons for divorce. No, I cannot and will not sue OM for AOA. To those wondering, I didn't hire a private detective. I know enough to access her phone and computer. I have her phone history records, texts, videos sent to each other by both of them, withdrawals from our bank account taken during her "adventures" with OM, locations during this time (several confirming she was at an expensive hotel and at his rental). I do not plan to expose her though. Nothing will be coming out of my mouth, only me, my friend, and my siblings know and I don't plan on adding to the list.

sisoon, Would I want to R? If I knew the answer to this, I wouldn't be here. Is D best for you, or is it an act of running away from a problem?

Maybe I am running away. Has your lack of confrontation come from fear? It came from sadness and hope.What do you want?

My wife and my kids.

guvensiz, In terms of avoiding interaction with my wife, it's not that hard. I'm in finance and am currently working my way to a more lucrative position. It is very time demanding and I spend most of my time at work and my office. But I do try to be there for my family. Whenever I have free time, I spend them with the kids and my wife, I'm not the kind of dad who spends his weekends golfing. Now intimacy with her has been rare, about 3 times this 2 months. Most of it is due to her affair but I'm not gonna lie, I often go home/finish work incredibly exhausted and I just don't have the energy.Maybe she has distanced herself already or did she just sense something wasn't right by your side? I definitely feel some distance between us when covid started. And to see texts she has with her OM, she's like a completely different woman.

beb252, I am one

babypuke, I didn't get an STD test because, In my wife's texts with AP, they actually got an STD test before they "consummated their love", Gee thanks I guess...

And yes jinkazama, I had sex with her last night. Are you sure about moving out won't make problems for custody of kids if it doesn`t work out? She's a SAHM and I'm occupied most days of the week, I told my lawyer and I've come to terms that she'll get the kids most of the time. They're young and need their mom for food, school, and basic things toddlers need. I won't be a deadbeat though. Never. I'll try to get them 3 weekends a month (hopefully it won't come to that).

How did I keep this all to myself for 2.5 months? Well, I was drowning myself with work which was already taxing in itself, avoiding and rejecting intimacy sometimes with my wife, focusing on the kids. A mixture of denial, rug sweeping, and defeat.

I do get mind-movies and the occasional 1000- mile stare, but not as often as others here. I think it's because of the abuse I got when I was young. I do not know, maybe I'll get a therapist.

goalong, I'll make other arrangements then.

I'll get to my story next, I just had to answer the questions to get them out of the way.

[This message edited by ASoreLoser at 12:06 PM, June 21st (Monday)]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8668722
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oldmanchris ( New Member #78645) posted at 6:33 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Jeeezus, Mary Joseph, and the Holy Donkey. I can imagine your heart being stretched to the point where tears are being squeezed from your eyeballses.

Stay strong bud. Please. For your kids. For yourself.

You have a whole community here who have been through what you’re undergoing now. Let them help.

[This message edited by oldmanchris at 12:34 PM, June 21st (Monday)]

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 18   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8668732
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 6:34 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Just because they (your wife and OM) had STD tests done before they "consumated" their relationship doesn't mean JACK SHIT!!

How do you know that this dude isn't banging other women besides your wife?

You good with playing Russian roulette with your health??

[This message edited by Booyah at 1:14 PM, June 21st (Monday)]

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8668734
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