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Promised to end it but cheated anyway...

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Stevesn posted 6/15/2021 12:41 PM

Wow hv, so cold and calculating. Iím so sorry.

So you seem to know exactly where things stand and what you need to do. The hard part is pulling the trigger of course.

Well let me help you out here. I want to make something very clear. Your Wife ended the marriage you had the moment she chose to spend a night naked and exploring bodies with another person. What you had unfortunately was destroyed when she made that choice. And if I were you, Iíd let her know that in no uncertain terms.

Now can you have something in the future? That depends on what she does next. And if it were me interacting with her, Iíd state that divorce is unequivocally part of that process whether you have a relationship down the road or donít ever again.

Hv, itís so easy to cheat, spread your legs, and then ask forgiveness. It takes almost no effort at all. WhAt is hard is doing the real work, over months and years, to fix what was broken in her, provide empathy and remorse for the pain she caused you by her actions, and help you heal the emotional wound you now suffer from.

That is something she would have to do with absolutely no guarantees that even if she does do those things that you will ever give her another chance. If being with you is now so important to her, she will commit her life to making those things happen.

So, with all that said, my position if only your shoes would be to state something like:

what you did with him ended our relationship and marriage. You made that choice, not me.

If you ever want a chance with me again you will commit yourself to spending your life working in therapy with an infidelity specialist to fix what was wrong within you to cheat on and wound me so by doing it. You will find your remorse for the pain you caused me and help me heal from it and take steps to become a safe partner again including opening up all technology to me.

If Iím so important to you, youíll do those things and over the next 1, 2, 5 years we will see if I can ever fathom spending a life with you again.

And since I donít trust you to do any of this, we will start the divorce process now as your words of commitment to the rebuilding process mean absolutely nothing to me right now. You are completely untrustworthy.

I give you no guarantees that any of this will work to fix what you destroyed. But only you can take the chance, by letting go of the outcome, to find a possible opportunity for us to stay together.

Prove me wrong.

Then stop worrying about her. Sheís nothing to you now. If sheís to become something , only she can choose to do that work. You cannot do it for her.

Keep posting and discussing with us. We can help.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:59 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

Jambomo posted 6/15/2021 12:41 PM

The thing with cheating is that it really kills the relationship. You no longer look at them in the same way, feel the same love, trust them at all. Itís never the same again.

Reconciliation is about trying to build a new relationship. I was in a similar position to you, 14 year relationship, lived together but no kids. We had a false reconciliation for about a year but really the worst part about the whole time was the fear, constant fear of the worst happening again. Looking at him and wondering who he was messaging, if he was lying about things. Youíll be the same with her, if she gets sent on business what is she doing, who is she talking to on social media etc.

I found that although leaving was sad and painful, it was a relief to not have the constant fear I felt and sad though it was, I felt happier after I left and wasnít dealing with his behaviour anymore.

The1stWife posted 6/15/2021 12:47 PM

This was so cold and calculating

Iím sorry for you. You did not deserve this and she certainly strung you along. The above quote may be the most difficult thing to ďget overĒ or accept. Because in hindsight you will realize she went in this business trip b/c of the opportunity it afforded her - to be with this guy physically.

You can certainly attempt Reconciliation. However you need to really know yourself well. If the fact that this well planned, perfectly executed and intentional physical liaison is something you will never accept, I suggest you know that now.

You donít want to be 50 years old and realizing you have been trying to accept it and you just cannot. It will torment you little by little.

You deserve to live your best life. Whether R or D ó only you can decide. But you need to take into consideration all the details. And the fact that this was purposely orchestrated affair by your wife ó it will take much understanding and acceptance on your part.

Counseling may be very helpful to you. It can give you the emotional support you need.

I planned to D my H. However my counselor helped me to see R was possible for us. He was right. We are very happy. But it was a rough 3 years for him (during R) and many people are not able to weather that storm. It wasnít every day but I give him credit for hanging in there.

jujuchrist posted 6/15/2021 13:02 PM

She even was saying one slip up in 14 years is not abnormal and she allows or would forgive me if I was on the other side.

This means that if you stay with her, in the next 14 years she will be cheating on you again and that won't be abnormal.
Is that what you want? No? Then divorce her.

Robert22205https posted 6/15/2021 13:08 PM

She's crying and making promises etc because she got caught and will lose a good comfortable marriage (as well as public exposure).

Don't be too quick to expose her. Her fear of public exposure may be a useful bargaining chip in arranging a mutually fair divorce agreement.

She's not crying because she hurt you or because she loves you.

Cheaters are able to cheat because (among other things) in the context of marriage they are: selfish, huge sense of entitlement, extremely deceitful with no guilt, and lack empathy for their partner. This is 'who' she is.

Her tears and promises at getting caught aren't going to change who she is.

Don't assume this was her first affair. Her cold and calculating planning (even when confronted by you) to have sex with a stranger is evidence of someone with experience. Especially if she travels a lot for work.

Insist she take a polygraph regarding the OM as well as all other relationships with men since she married you. It's likely she's hiding other inappropriate relationships.

The prospect of a polygraph tends to discourage further lies and withholding of information.

Especially if you inform her that further details about this affair or other affairs will make it difficult to R (you can't promise anything); however if the polygraph catches her in lies or withholding of information regarding this man or other men, then divorce is guaranteed.

Finally, you can love her and forgive her - but still conclude it's in your best interest to divorce her.

Bonetired posted 6/15/2021 13:09 PM

So sorry you are here. You have definitely received sound advice from the posters here. They know what you are going through and I hope you take what they say to heart. Right now I am sure is a confusing time for you. I am sure like most of us here you are battling with emotions that are pulling you in two different directions. Thumos has given you some advice here as well as everyone to help with that. Please, please read the healing library. All the material there will help guide you like a map to a more stable mental place in your mind. Be prepared for the mind games that will follow with this one. She has already begun this. The healing library has some interesting articles on what to expect from a cheating spouse who gets caught. Knowing what will come out of her mouth next and how to handle it will prepare you and you won't get caught off guard. There generally is a lot of blame shifting, rug sweeping, as well as alot of manipulative word vomit that comes out. I want to remind you because this isn't said enough. Cheating and lying is abuse. This isn't something that gets covered enough or is even remotely understood in society today that cheating can severely emotionally scar the person who is betrayed. A lot of us on here have suffered many years after with things such as cptsd as well as other emotionally crippling disorders. Take care of yourself and remember the way you feel is very normal. Even in other abusive relationships those the abuse has been heaped upon still loves the abuser. Often they go back only at their demise and it doesn't end well. Very rarely does the person who it is ingrained in to hurt another changes and often the only way is for the spouse to leave permanently. Going back without serious change or consequences only reinforces their belief they have done nothing wrong and this dooms them to repeat it sadly on to the person who goes back. Definitely agree with others who say there should be a trial separation to clear your head. Good luck for now and let us know how it is going. We have your best interest at heart. Hugs for now.

Buffer posted 6/15/2021 15:25 PM

Brother, it wasnít a mistake but conscious decisions made to do this. She new this, planned this, acted on this and blatantly lied to you to facilitate the sex. Now it was a mistake, nah bullshit.
Get tested for STDs and STIs as well we needs to as well. File for divorce on the grounds of adultery. It an be stopped at any time if you want to go through the pain of R.
Separate finances and donít leave the family home unless your lawyer says it is ok. Keep that VAR with the lawyer. Also carry another on you at all times to guard against accusations of abuse from her. Expose her ways to her family. You donít need her permission for that.
One day at a time.

HappilyMarried1 posted 6/15/2021 15:32 PM

So sorry @highvoltage for what has happened to you.

You have already been given some great advice but several awesome people on here. I do have one question if you actually ask this. She said "it meant nothing to her" and it was just a "mistake". How did she answer her being on the VAR saying "you are the love of my life and I adore you" and also if it was only 1 mistake then why did she have sex with him more than one time? Best of luck!

beb252 posted 6/15/2021 16:09 PM

The mere fact that you talked to her against going to the trip is a blatant disrespect to your wishes and to your relationship! And yes, you are right, the meetup was preplanned. She's only showing remorse because she was caught.

You also stated that this might not be the first time she's done this? Were there any signs before?

[This message edited by beb252 at 4:10 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

ShutterHappy posted 6/15/2021 16:23 PM

Itís all about her. You hear endless justifications and excuses. You get lots of tears, but for herself.

Has she taken any responsibility for her actions? Is she showing any empathy for the pain she has caused you?

If the answer is no, thereís very little choice for you to get out of infidelity.

You want to see what a remorseful spouse sounds like? Go in the wayward section, some posters do show real remorse and it doesnít sound like your WW at all.

Seek support from friends and family, donít go through this on your own.

Post often and weíll keep on helping you.

Mizzbak posted 6/15/2021 17:12 PM

I've given her all my time/energy and have literally not a single friend or acquaintance in 1000 miles. I'm really struggling on if I should divorce her or not; this is not the first time I've suspected anything but it's the first time I've obtained proof.

So your marriage is one where you are completely alienated from friends and family? Where you have no energy or time to have a full and healthy life? Where you haven't trusted your W for some time, even though you've done a great deal to try and strengthen your marriage? And where your W clearly feels that she can step outside of her marriage promises however she wants without shame or concern for the impact that this may have on you.

HV, I'm older than you and I'm a BW. I won't lie that a big reason that I even considered R when my H begged me for it, was because I had a good sense of what my life (and those of my sons) would be like if we got D. And it wasn't better, at almost any level, than what I already had. But I'm looking at your equation and I'm not seeing that situation at all.

Do you really think that you cannot do better than her? (Because, sitting on the outside here, I really don't think that would be difficult at all.) Based on what you've said about yourself, your emotional maturity and your willingness to put effort into make a committed relationship work, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will easily have other options that can make you much, much happier.

Stay here and read a while. Listen to what others in similar situations are telling you. You're not battling with choosing R or D, you're frightened of being alone. But from the outside, it seems to me that you already are.

GoldenR posted 6/15/2021 17:50 PM

You are her sexual plan B: she wants a life with you, but she prefers sex with someone(s) else, and more often than not, also loves that person way more than you, but realizes that person is not life-mate material. She loves you but has zero passion for you.

Are you ok with that?

GoldenR posted 6/15/2021 17:57 PM

I just read your story to my wife.

She can't get over the one mistake in 14 years thing...

Her: We've been together 16 years and I'd rather lose a limb than cheat on you.

Think about that. That's probably how you feel (or felt) about her. Don't we all deserve to have an SO who feels like that?

Talisman posted 6/15/2021 17:59 PM

Sorry to say it but your marriage is over. There is nothing about your situation that merits any doubt at all in leaving - there literally is nothing to salvage and no reason for you to stay. You must realise by now that you are just a form of stability for her until she is ready to move on.

Out of curiosity, how did she meet this 19 year old kid (under what circumstances) and what country (if you don't mind sharing) is he from?

guvensiz posted 6/15/2021 18:33 PM

The only mistake she made was getting caught, that was the only thing she hadn't planned, the others were her choices. Worse still, they were deliberate and willful choices, despite your guessing and trying to prevent them.
If you had found out after it all happened, maybe we could talk about her being guilty but still unable to think about the consequences of her actions. But no, she knew everything very well, but still nothing stopped her.

She insisted I was her #1, that she chooses me and wants to work on this together. I was still sad that she was so into this kid, but was happy to hear her choice.

At this stage, you did a little "pick me dance" and things have come this far. I wish you had found this site then. As a husband, being #1 in marriage and chosen over others is not something to be happy about. You should have been the only 1 and and there should be no others to choose from.

She ended up having to go on a work trip the country where that guy lives (Which is not a rare thing)

Maybe she's demanding these opportunities from her company and this isn't her first time with that boy, and he might not even be her first AP.

we shouldn't throw away our entire marriage because of one mistake. She went on the whole usual copy/paste torrent of words "It meant nothing" "That guy means nothing" "I was confused but now I'm not" "Now I know I just want you" "I was wondering what an open relationship would be like." She even was saying one slip up in 14 years is not abnormal and she allows or would forgive me if I was on the other side.

It's all bullshit and you've shown that you're well aware of it with your writing.
If something is mistake or someone/something is "nothing", you realize that after you experience it at the very latest. But your WW understood this only after she was caught. There was nothing wrong until then, and that boy was the love of her life and she adored him.
Your marriage is already in the garbage, and your WW threw it away, not you. Don't take any responsibility for it.
You can tell her that you were the one who was confused and now you are not, and now you know you don't want a lying, cheating wife.
Btw, whether we embrace it or not, open relationship is nothing like that, there is not such immorality, lies and deception, but mutual consent and honesty.

Your words show that your mind is clear and your interpretations are correct. You seem on the right track. Sometimes surprisingly there are BSs that start like this and then get confused, I hope you don't. Therefore, it would be better if you stay here and continue to share.

Good luck.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 6:43 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 6/15/2021 18:47 PM

I work hard to keep her happy because of her insecurities over our financial status/home etc compared to others in the circle...

But she had an affair with a 19 year-old kid. What does it tell you that she's a financially insecure person who depends on her spouse to work hard but took up with a kid who can't possibly have any serious prospects yet? Even if his parents were rich, that wouldn't mean anything for her because if they're normal parents, they're NOT having some 35 year-old trollop sniffing around their teenage son. So what that means is that this wasn't "monkey-branching". She already knew this kid wasn't going to be any kind of assistance in providing a nice life. What I'm thinking is that she decided she was going to fuck him and that YOU weren't going to do a damned thing about it. Think about it, the only way she could go through with this is she had to either believe that you would never leave her or that you would never find out... and you already knew so much that the latter seems unreasonable.

Cheaters don't cheat because of anything we, as BS's, do or don't do. They cheat because there's a gap in their character between their stated values (fidelity, honesty) and their actual deeds (cheating, lies). Not everyone is like that. The cheater has a "but..." in their core value of fidelity. ie. "She believes in fidelity, but... not if she's bored or whatever." You see what's going on? There's no reason for anybody to have a "but..." in their core values. You either honor your beliefs or you're just bullshitting people into thinking you share their values. If you truly BELIEVE in fidelity, you're not going to cheat without a gun to your head. It's against your nature. This behavior wasn't (and has never been) against your WW's nature. And THAT is what would have to change for R to be an acceptable option. Anything else leaves you with an unsafe partner who doesn't share your values.

Do you think she's capable of that kind of change?.. of devoting herself to the painful, humbling, introspective work of remediating her broken character. Some are, but most won't. It's a total teardown of everything the WS thought about themselves. Many claim to be willing, but few accomplish it. Real change is rare.

You don't have any kids involved, but after ten years of marriage, you are no doubt very invested. Imagine another ten years, or even 20. You're still a young guy who could easily start over. What would you do if she pulled this stunt on the verge of retirement, when it's too late to remake your nest egg? It's super important that if you do decide to stay together, you make sure she truly makes those change, but because those changes are internal, you're never going to know for sure.

It's not unusual for the shock of discovery and the threat of impending loss to make us feel like we've never loved our WS more. But feelings aren't facts. The desperate love we feel during the JFO (just found out) stage fades as we process the betrayal, and I'm not saying that love dies in every case, because it doesn't. But in many cases what you have left isn't enough to sustain a happy marriage. You might end up looking at her a couple of years from now and feeling nothing but irritation at her mere presence... or you may find there's still enough. My point is that you won't be able to know that for a long, long time, typically long after we've made a stay or go decision.

If you are inclined to end the marriage, I think you'd be safe to run with that. It's very rare for someone to pop in at SI and say they regret leaving their cheater. More often, we see people coming back years later to say they were bamboozled by a WS who had faked their way through reconciliation. Remember though that this choice is yours to make and that no one else has to live with that choice. Remember too that no matter how painful and difficult your days are right now, this is temporary. You will be okay. It just takes time.

Strength to you.

babbu posted 6/15/2021 18:56 PM

Mid thirties and she doesn't view a nineteen year old as just a kid? Gross.

Jameson1977 posted 6/15/2021 19:13 PM

Hi and welcome highvoltage. So sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good company.

You wife has completely and utterly disrespected you in one of the worst ways possible.

Others have provided great advise. All I will say is she needs a bucket of cold water dumped on her. You have no kids which makes divorce much simpler, not simple, but simpler. Iíd take your time and focus on yourself. I highly doubt this is her first affair. She was extremely brazen by shutting you out of her social media, then completely disrespecting you by screwing the club rat even though you had confronted her and she ďchose youĒ.

All her billsh!t talk after you confronted her is her (feeble) attempt at damage control. She knew exactly what she was going to do long before she left on the trip. This reeks of a cake eater. She figures she can do what she wants, say sorry, gaslight you with crap about one mistake and you throwing away your life together for a mistake. This was no mistake, she had to make hundreds of decisions and choices to end up screwing the club rat. I would suspect this kid wanted or wants nothing other than an easy lay, nothing more, but sounds like she feels there is more there, god, some people are so gullible.

Your wife will probably pull out all the stops to get you to ďforgive and forgetĒ. If I were you, Iíd file for divorce, have her served divorce papers, and go no contact with her. Take time on your own to make decisions on your future.

I chose to R with my cheating wife. Mine deserved an Oscar for her performance on dday and thereafter. She lied to me for nearly 3 years until I got all the truth. Did I? Probably not. Do I regret my decision to R, sometimes, and sometimes not.

As many have said over the years here, believe nothing she says and half of what she does in terms of real action to address this mess she created.

[This message edited by Jameson1977 at 7:15 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

Anna123 posted 6/15/2021 19:37 PM

Wow, you have a lot of answers to consider here! Lots of well thought out insight.

I have nothing to add other than if you are considering having children with her, she would make a HORRENDOUS mother. Lying and deceit is NORMAL for her. Her materialistic focus you mentioned would be a sad and shallow example for children also. My guess is if you aren't careful in planning a divorce if that is what you decide, she will try to take you to the cleaners. Be careful.

Mene posted 6/15/2021 20:51 PM

As 99.9% of people on this forum will say to you:


Many of us wish we were in your position.

You have a chance of a clean break.

Find someone who will appreciate you.

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