Midwestblues posted 6/9/2021 08:34 AM

Hello everyone, from the beautiful Midwest (well, technically, the Great Lakes, but people here think this is the Midwest, LOL)!

Another sad story here. I am a couple of weeks shy of 44, female, and my wife is 45. We met online in 2006, got together in 2008, I moved three states away from home to be with her, and we married in 2011. Our marriage had its hard times and good times, just like any other. I loved her with all my heart and she loved me. We had problems, though. She comes from a rough background and would shut me out constantly. Hide in another room with the door closed, and not talk to me. Stuff like that. I just let the resentment build up but still loved her. Fast forward to Covid and we’re both working from home. A female coworker of hers whom she couldn’t stand in real life starts messaging her and they became friends. At first I didn’t think much about it as my wife doesn’t have friends and I thought it would be good for her. My wife was telling this woman all about her background, opening up to her... and they were texting all the time. The beginning of this year her whole vibe towards me changed and I knew something was going on. She denied it, but I knew. I finally got my fears confirmed in March and she admitted she had feelings for this woman. Later on in March she told me she wants to divorce. I was devastated.

Fast forward to now. She is living here still. Hasn’t filed. We discussed living arrangements two nights ago— she agreed to stay here for a year to pay the mortgage (I don’t make enough to pay it alone) and then she would move out and still help me pay. Everything was fine until I mentioned the other woman— I asked if my wife plans on seeing her after we divorce and my wife is still living here. Yes, that was her plan! I told her no, I wouldn’t go along with that. She got mad at me and is now considering moving out sooner. She also said that she cannot date this woman because they work together in the same department— so what’s the point of all this?!? She wants to be friends with this woman, even though they cannot have a romantic relationship because of work and still live with me. Now, we are not sleeping together so that isn’t the issue. It’s just the betrayal is so raw. And now she hinted at moving out sooner. Maybe it’s for the best but she still wants to hang on to me. I am so hurt and feel all alone. This person promised to love me the rest of our lives.

asc1226 posted 6/9/2021 08:59 AM

So sorry you had to find this place. If you have to move on then move on. In home separation can be brutal. If it’s at all possible sell the house and split the equity.

she agreed to stay here for a year to pay the mortgage (I don’t make enough to pay it alone) and then she would move out and still help me pay.

She also agreed to stay within the bounds of your marriage. Do not stake your future on her deciding that this is a vow she’s willing to live up to.

Catwoman posted 6/9/2021 09:12 AM

Everything was fine until I mentioned the other woman— I asked if my wife plans on seeing her after we divorce and my wife is still living here. Yes, that was her plan!

Gently . . . what your wife does after you end your marriage is not something you can control.

Yes, it sucks donkey butt and it's enormously cruel and very difficult to deal with, but it is something you cannot dictate.

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Right now, she has you at home and the OP on the side.

Think of this situation as described above as a three-legged stool. It's pretty easy to balance on a three-legged stool. You don't have to think about it, and it can be pretty comfy.

Take away one of the legs. Now it's an entirely different ball game. By taking yourself out of the equation and filing for divorce or at the very least a legal separation (if it is permitted in your state), you reduce her comfy perch to a balancing act. By going NC (No Contact), you switch the game completely. Now, instead of relying on you for the stability you bring and relying on the OP for the excitement, you reduce her to relying totally on the OP. In some cases, that doesn't work and the WW sees the folly of their ways.

If they don't see that they've been a complete failure as a partner, then you're ahead of the game.

My advice to you is to see an attorney and find out how the laws of your state are structured and what you can reasonably expect from a divorce. Knowledge is power. If you do not have children, I imagine it's fairly straightforward and splits everything either equally or equitably. You need this knowledge, as knowledge is power.

Additionally, if she could lose her job by fraternizing with an associate, you probably want to get out sooner vs. later.

None of this is easy. But staying and hoping things will change is a pretty sure guarantee that nothing will change. The "pick-me" dance is humiliating and debasing. You deserve better than that.

Cat

Robert22205https posted 6/9/2021 09:42 AM

Is the mortgage in your name alone? Or is she on it too? Can you get a roommate?

Robert22205https posted 6/9/2021 09:55 AM

Is the OW married?

Have they kissed?

Research PTSD. You've been betrayed in the worse possible way and traumatized. One of the recurring elements is 'denial' to lessen the pain.

IMO it's highly probable that this has already escalated to a PA. Being married/living with you is a perfect cover. And when the divorce is final she can say you parted as friends (vs her affair with coworker). Therefore she exits the marriage with her reputation intact.

Cheaters always assume that if you don't actually see them in a PA (or prove it in a court of law), then their behavior is not actionable.

They are adults engaged in a secret relationship that includes romantic feelings - it's more likely than not that this is a PA. In other words, there's more evidence that this is a PA than just a friendship.

Robert22205https posted 6/9/2021 09:59 AM

Both of you should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity. It not only provides suggestions for protecting a marriage - but it will help explain how this coworker weakened and sabotaged your marriage.

sisoon posted 6/9/2021 10:50 AM

And please, get a good D lawyer. You have certain obligations to each other in a D - you may not have to live together for her to help with housing expenses. Only a good D lawyer will know what sort of settlement you can expect.

I 2nd the rec of NOT "Just Friends".

I understand the misery of being betrayed. I recommend accepting it and letting it flow through your body. That releases it. It's a LOT of misery, so you have to keep working to release it, but you can get through this. You can survive and thrive.

tushnurse posted 6/9/2021 11:11 AM

You need to understand that nothing you did or did not do caused this.
Your wife is a broken person, and until she decides to do any work on herself you have ZERO to work with.

Have you seen an attorney yet? If not that should be your first step. Your wife needs to see that you will not be a back up plan or an option. Get an attorney. File.

Have you seen your Dr? If not you need to get in and be seen, have a full physical, and STD testing. You need to know that you are healthy, and if not what the issues are, and address them. Infidelity and continued abuse like you are living with can be incredibly stressful, and mentally trying. Which can lead to high blood pressure, and whole cascade of other health issues. If you are struggling to eat/sleep/or keep anxiety in its place then you need to discuss with your Dr as these things can lead to a prolonged fight/flight response. This is incredibly hard on your body, and there is no shame in getting a little pharmaceutical support and in real life support - consider therapy with a therapist that specializes in trauma - infidelity isn't your issue, that's her. Yours is trauma.

I would also blow this shitshow wide open. Let anyone who is willing to listen know that you don't like your wifes girlfriend. Get it out in the open with friends and family - this isn't your secret to carry it's hers.

Again understand this wasn't caused by you, but you absolutely can control how you respond and how you allow her to treat you moving forward. Sell the house - the market is insane right now, you most likely will come out ahead, and until you have some peace, and healing you can bank the bucks and live in an apartment.

Jen posted 6/9/2021 17:02 PM

Nothing you have done or not done in this mess is your fault.

I had a shitty M the last few yrs we were M'ed, I did not go out and have an A. He did, That was his decision all on himself.

You should sell the house and split the $. Do not let her live with you and bring that OW around. If she makes more $ than you maybe she can buy out your 1/2 and you can move out.

I would stop all contact with her unless it's legal(atty) and/or related to $(house, bills ect). It's one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing you will do in this. It's called the 180 and there used to be link here for it. It might be in the library/resources.

Take care of you. Drink plenty of healthy fluids, eat when you want, go outside/fresh air. Try to sleep. Post here there is lots of great advice and people.

The1stWife posted 6/12/2021 16:22 PM

Her plan for the future does not have to be your plan.

It’s a hot real estate market. Maybe sell the house now.

This way you can move forward and not be financially tied to her in case you end up separating or divorcing.