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Advice for dealing with High Conflict Personality

BeenHereBefore posted 6/8/2021 03:25 AM

Back ground: I'm one year out from my timeline to serve him papers. There are a number of assets. 29 yrs marriage. I'm gathering all financial information (past 5 yrs). WH THRIVES on Conflict. I'm reading/researching Narcissism and he ticks off many characteristics (especially rage). Money is his god. I know this will be difficult, but dealing with the disrespect of his ongoing affair with his employee (he owns his business) is just as difficult. Ours will be a "Gray Divorce", both of us in our 60's.

I will admit I'm fearful, and the more I read/research, feeds my fears. I have already consulted with lawyers, I understand he will probably drag out divorce as a delay tactic. Could use advice from those who have had experience divorcing NPD's / High Conflict Personality. What else can I prepare myself for?

WhoTheBleep posted 6/8/2021 06:03 AM

Read the book "Splitting: protecting yourself while divorcing someone with narcissistic / borderline personality disorder.".

I'm divorcing a cluster b personality, and this book reads like a playbook for him. It will help you anticipate what's going to happen. And it will happen.

DigitalSpyder posted 6/8/2021 06:33 AM

I imagine that if he is high conflict and/or NPD he is going to fight you on almost everything. Just be prepared to stand your ground on what matters most to you.

The1stWife posted 6/8/2021 06:37 AM

Have a plan. Anticipate if he does X you do Y.

You have an attorney - you donít need to discuss the D with him. Refer him to your attorney. Just keep repeating the same thing over and over.

Build protective walls around yourself.

Just remember he willingly cheated. Now he has to face the consequences. And he sill not like losing control if the situation. And you. That will enrage him.

Catwoman posted 6/8/2021 07:40 AM

I would definitely hire an attorney with a lot of experience with these personality types. You need someone who can "see around corners" and anticipate reactions (they really are quite predictable, once you figure them out).

Document EVERYTHING. Make sure you have either hard copies or an electronic backup in an off-site location, like with a friend. I would keep an excel sheet of various incidents (we had minor children, which I assume you do not) and log what happened, when it happened and who might have witnessed it.

My ex, too, did not want to pay anything and ended up with the judge levying him a fairly large up-front settlement to me for his antics, so this is where your documentation will come in handy.

Practice "grey rock" with him. If he wants to bully you into agreeing to something, tell him you will "consider" it. Don't agree to anything without your attorney reviewing, and my personal advice is don't agree to anything until you have the entire picture of a settlement. My ex tried to get me to agree to things piecemeal, which I would not do.

Hang on--this is a wild, wild ride.


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