"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Scotsgirl38 posted 6/7/2021 14:42 PM

Hi, I'm 38F and at the weekend, I found explicitly rude msgs on my 39BF's phone from 2 months ago. They seem to be over 2 nights when he was on a bender with a pal. He is asking the girl, who he knows from being a teen to come round. She says to ask again when he's sober. There is no follow up after that.
We have been together 7 months and have talked about future,home,marriage, kids and were happy together. The sad thing is while he was sending those messages, he'd been messaging me all day telling me how much he loved me and what we had. He is a lovely, considerate, thoughtful adoring bf in every other way and always been vocal about cheaters being awful. There has been nothing else in his phone like this over 7 months and he tells me his password, leaves it lying around and isn't on it at all when we're together for days at a time. I know I need to address why I was looking in first place and I'm working on that.
For now, I don't know what to do. He immediately was very apologetic. Said he didn't know what we was doing and when he sobered up, he was disgusted with himself, and he would never have done anything and come to his senses if she'd turned up. He has contacted his Dr and a counsellor to get to bottom of why he did it and says he will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make it right. He hadn't been working for over a year during loxkdown and says at that time, he had just started to get in a real dark place knowing he needed work fast or would lose everything and was scared he'd lose me if he couldn't get work and why would I stay with him, but didn't want to burden me with his problems so internalised it. He says it's no excuse but only reason he can think for doing something so stupid. He is going to address through counselling why he was drinking to such an extent that he would do that, and work on being being better communicator and generally a better person because he knows he's acted like a "scumbag," and unpack the effects of not working for a year and.
I believe parts of what he says, because like I say, over 7 months there has been nothing else at all so it doesn't seem to be a pattern, he wants to be with me me the time and is the one who is proactive about building a life together....and he got a job 2 weeks after the "incident."
Everyone's situation is different but....do I forgive him and give him benefit of doubt and another chance, or do I cut and run? I know what I'd be saying if it happened to someone else but it's hard when its someone you otherwise have such a strong and loving connection with. I just wonder if I'm being stupid wveb considering staying because if he was happy with me, he wouldn't have done it, or if there is such a thing as a one off mistake and listen to him when he wants to build a stronger relationship on back of this horrid event. Any advice welcome.

nekonamida posted 6/7/2021 15:08 PM

I believe parts of what he says, because like I say, over 7 months there has been nothing else at all so it doesn't seem to be a pattern, he wants to be with me me the time and is the one who is proactive about building a life together....and he got a job 2 weeks after the "incident."

Gently, 7 months compared to the 10, 15, 20+ years you might be together with kids and a marriage is an incredibly short period of time. It's too early to know if this could have been a pattern in your relationship. No offense but I've got stuff in my pantry older than your relationship with him that's not even expired. Chances are high that if she had accepted and they slept together that night, he'd call her again next time he was drunk or high.

I see many red flags aside from the cheating. What kind of bender was it? Does he normally have problems with drugs and alcohol? Why were you talking about financially investing in him when he was unemployed? If he's been out of work for a year, does he even have good job prospects that could support the kind of lifestyle that you want? Are you sure he's ready to settle down given he's about to turn 40 and still goes on wild, multi-day partying streaks where anything goes including stepping out on you?

Just saying, if it was me, I'd be asking myself if he sounds like a good person to invest in a future with when he's got his shit together on par with a 22-year-old. He's old enough where change isn't going to be easy and he's likely to slip back into old habits when stressed out by finances and kids. If you stay with him and entangle your life further, I'm not optimistic that your relationship is going to last. He doesn't need a counselor to tell him that what he did was wrong and that he did it because he was intoxicated and wanted to sleep with an old flame instead of you, his girlfriend. This isn't some big mystery about how he blew up an idyllic life, decimated a stable long term marriage, and hurt his kids for a fling. He was selfish and he wanted more in the moment. Maybe drugs and alcohol had something to do with it but even if they did, he would need to be treating himself for addiction which in many situations can be harder and just as destructive to a marriage and family.

If you're okay letting this relationship run its course, likely getting cheated on again, or just dealing with him going on more benders when he has responsibilities at home, you can keep dating him but I wouldn't take a chance on him.

The1stWife posted 6/7/2021 15:39 PM

So rather than communicating with you he chose to drink to excess and try to attempt a sexual encounter with some other girl.

I can tell you from experience that this behavior most likely will happen again, Unless serious work is done to address why this was the chosen path.

His coping skills need some work. How sad he didn’t want to turn to you for support (which I’m assuming you were already giving him).

This0is0Fine posted 6/7/2021 15:47 PM

To answer the question titling this thread, at 39 years old, doing this 7 months into an allegedly wonderful relationship, I'm gonna go with, "No".

Robert22205https posted 6/7/2021 16:18 PM

He's very high risk.

His list of excuses (including him sharing his feelings and insecurities) scares me because he seems to know exactly what to say.

He's not only good at saying what you want to hear (love, marriage, kids, do whatever it takes) and manipulating your feelings - but it implies he's been down this road before.

allusions posted 6/7/2021 18:48 PM

If I read what you said correctly, since this happened 2 months ago, he actually was attempting to hook up with this girl when you'd only been together for five months!

I know I need to address why I was looking in first place and I'm working on that.

You were looking at his phone because your gut (consciously or unconsciously) was telling you something was off. And it was.

If I were in your shoes I'd end the relationship. There are just too many red flags and problems.

babbu posted 6/7/2021 19:14 PM

Could you elaborate on why you've felt the need to look through his phone in such a young relationship and this much?

scaredwoman posted 6/8/2021 10:06 AM

I do believe that there are some who offend one time and then make amends. Those who are truly remorseful and work on themselves and give you what you need to feel safe again. On the outside it seems like your BF is wanting to work on himself.

That being said, I've always heard "drunken words are sober thoughts" so I'd be concerned that he did this when he wasn't sober. Plus, I tend to agree with the others in that his apologies and words are somewhat rehearsed. If you were years into this relationship I'd say to give it another go, but 7 months really isn't long and it may be best to cut the ties now.

Jambomo posted 6/8/2021 12:27 PM

I would say that at 7 months in, he’s failed the boyfriend audition already.

You can persist with him but it doesn’t really bode well for the future and you really want to think whether you want to become more and more attached over time to a guy who really needs to do a lot of work on himself and has every chance of ‘being that guy’ when he is out drinking.

One thing you can do is to take a massive step back and let him prove to you that he is doing the work, making changes - not going drinking every weekend. If after a while he has made changes and made them stick, you can work on building up a relationship again. By then you may have moved on to better things though.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 1:02 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)]

demos posted 6/8/2021 13:02 PM

Alcohol is a hell of a drug!

skeetermooch posted 6/8/2021 14:14 PM

Huge No on this guy, Yes, there are one-offs - but this guy's entire life, from what you've described, makes him sound more like a 19-year-old than a 39-year-old.

That he railed against cheaters, when he himself is so inclined, shows a premeditated attempt to portray himself other than he knows himself to be, and/or very good compartmentalization skills (a cheater's forte).

I would look for someone else.

tushnurse posted 6/8/2021 14:26 PM

OH honey, this man is not worthy of you, your love, your honor, your trust.

Please please please don't fall for the tears, and manipulations. If he truly does get it and want to change he will regardless of if you are there waiting or not.

Stop listening to his words, and start listening to his actions. That's where truth lives.

rugswept posted 6/8/2021 14:59 PM

Most of us are skeptical of the explanations. That's a result of eating up all those lies we got from our cheaters while we were still naive, before we realized, yes, they really did what they did and then we see it: they're liars.

They quickly go from "they'd never do that" to i'll NEVER trust them again.

On this one, I'm on the fence. This could be a one off. The bad part is what others identified... 5 months and then a drunken call for a hookup.

I'd strongly advised you find out what led to the breakups of his past relationships. And the story you get may not be truthful. If you can verify what he says then you'll have your answer.

AvoidanceIssues posted 6/8/2021 15:14 PM

I know I need to address why I was looking in first place and I'm working on that.

This should not be a priority for you, his actions are the priority. Partners are allowed privacy but not secrecy. He was keeping a secret from you, your gut told you something was up so you investigated.

The1stWife posted 6/8/2021 15:44 PM

Lesson I learned at 21. Guy I was dating drank too much snd was verbally abusive, insecure, jealous, bad temper etc.

I told him unless he cut back on the drinking I was not going back out with him.

So we dated about 9 months (after being apart 9 months). It wasn’t until I heard he was still in the bars that I realized he would lie and say anything to get back together.

Lesson learned - people lie but their actions tell you the truth. Always.

Jen posted 6/9/2021 17:24 PM

One time offender. That's a broad question, I think. The slippery slope is a long winding slope, hard to say if there is a one time thing. My WH had exit A with one OW, but they were together for 2yrs at least. Is that one time or multiple times ?

I know I need to address why I was looking in first place and I'm working on that.

Where are you at on this ? What does this mean ?

I found explicitly rude msgs on my 39BF's phone from 2 months ago

Messages, plural, and over 2 nights ? Your BF was drunk for 48hrs ? Something seems a little off here. The messages are they still on his phone now ?

Be good to yourself, eat, hydrate, go outside/fresh air. Be alone and think things through, make a list with dates/times.

eta - fix the bold mistakes I made, I forgot how

[This message edited by Jen at 5:25 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

Anna123 posted 6/13/2021 08:53 AM

The sad thing is while he was sending those messages, he'd been messaging me all day telling me how much he loved me and what we had.

Think about what it would take to be able to do that.

I know a woman who is unhappily married with young children to her dream man. He is successful and skilled at social interaction, making everyone feel important. He also propositions women when he is drunk. But what is 'worse' is he treats her like garbage.

He went from wooing her, treating her like a queen before children, to literally treating her like garbage and disrespecting everything about her. I think the capacity to text you with words of love while propositioning another leads to the above. She stays because---- I don't know, maybe he sends nice texts I don't know about.

I fear for this mans daughters. He will never outright abuse them but he will never hear them or love them beyond his superficial capacity. They hear what he says to their mother. It is awful. Be careful while you can, one day it may be the propositions without the nice texts at the same time.

lifestoshort posted 6/13/2021 11:42 AM

dating is a test of how they will be long term. he failed. 7 months is nothing. if he did that in the short amount of time (5 months) run.

from all of us w experience, we will tell you, yes this will happen again but you may have kids by then who are involved too :(