Newest Member: Qashess

Just Found Out :
wh said the obs was trying to ruin our marriage...

Topic is Sleeping.
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Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 1:51 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Once again I strongly suggest reading up on traits and behavioral patterns characteristic of cluster-B personality disorders (especially narcissism). The more you write about him, the more inclined I am to armchair-diagnose him as a narcissist. But whether he's a narcissist or not is beside the point, by the looks of it he's unempathetic, emotionally deficient and manipulative - that's all you need to know.

Don't buy into his crazy making. The only way to survive narcissistic mind games is to refuse to play.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8672714
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I really wish I could fast forward to the part where I'm happy and over this whole situation because right now life just really sucks.

The fastest way to attain this goal is to remove this toxic person from your life as quickly as possible. I hope you have a friend or family member you can stay with and move out right away.

I cannot imagine dealing with someone like that. I'm sorry you have to. He is only providing more evidence that you are making the right decision.

It is also funny how your WH's story has changed. he told you that he did OBS spouse a favor by exposing AP's poor morals and lack of commitment. Apparently he now believes that she will be fully committed to him. I doubt it.

posts: 1518   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8672758
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:10 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Right now, you are in the box. Although you are beginning to see the situation more clearly, you are unable to internalize it due to your proximity to the toxicity. In a sense, you havent pulled out the thorn. Once you remove yourself from this toxic environment and your WH's constant need for triangulation, you will begin the process of decompression and detoxification. This will seem weird to you as you will eventually have your WTF moment and WTF was I thinking?

I felt a little foolish when my moment happened and wished desperately for a time machine, where I would travel back to administer a theapudic beating on myself. I had to go a little easy on myself as I remembered that i was in the midst of trauma and nothing had prepared me for it. As far as i know, there is no trauma school to prepare us for this. In fact, the world is woefully unsuited to help with infidelity trauma. Many just compound the problem.

The human mind is a complex thing. We have our well developed prefrontal cortex warring with out amygdala, and it ain't pretty. This is why SI is so valuable, as it can work as a rent-a-brain for us, allowing us to step back and process things from a more objective approach.

Try putting some hard dates into a calendar so you have something to work through. Keep if list on your phone of dick moves your WH has done, so that you can consult it when you waiver. I did this with a GF I had. I called it the Red Flag file and it allowed me a more clinical perspective. Funny how you can pick out patterns of behavior when you step back a bit.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 11:28 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8672779
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Ifnotnow ( new member #77201) posted at 7:36 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Get out of there no matter how.

NOW!

I cannot stress the need to distance yourself from that environment strongly enough.

Get yourself that attorney TODAY and find out about your options.

Stay on a friends couch if necessary.

Get a motel room, cheap apartment, whatever.

There are three reasons.

1. Your WH has lost all of the inhibitions normally in place when interacting with another human being. Putting you down is the only way his warped mind can justify his own behaviour.

If he has sunken low enough to instrumentalise an already traumatized child, he may also not stop at destroying your stuff or become physically abusive. That he has never been does not mean he won't.

2.EVERY HOUR YOU STAY WILL DEEPEN YOUR TRAUMA. Already it will take you some time to work through this experience, mentally and emotionally. The longer you choose to stay and be taken apart, the longer it will take to regain your confidence, self-love and ability to trust others. You've talked about mental hygiene. You own it to your own mental health to remove yourself from that toxic sphere NOW. As in NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Your step daughter right now is being torn. She knows with the instinct of a puppy in survival mode that she HAS to be nice to the new female partner not to be send back to her mother. Still, she will be inwardly torn. By witnessing your WH treating you like shit she will be suffering this iternal rift daily. Its a HORRIBLE situation to be instrumentalised by an adult. But you will help her most by leaving right now! At a later stage you can re-initiate contact and support her externally.

I would write a letter telling her that you leave him, not her; that she can always contact you; that you love her no matter what and will always have a place for her, in your heart and in your life. Do not say anything bad about your WH or the AP in this letter! And keep a copy. Make it possible for her to receive and read it privately.

Now: leave!!!

Everything else comes second.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2021
id 8673026
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:24 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Your H is becoming (or already is) unhinged.

Putting his child in this mix is the worst form of child abuse ever.

I am so sorry for you and your step-daughter. Please do what you can to let her know she can always contact you. She’s been through enough already - now she’s being forced to live with two people who don’t really care about her as much as they care about destroying people.

Hugs and prayers to both of you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10574   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8673060
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Ifnotnow ( new member #77201) posted at 1:54 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Try to involve a family member who is rational enough not to get entangled in your H's lies and ask them to keep a close eye on your step daughter.

Very important: contact her therapist and/or psychiatrist and supply them with written testamony of your H's actions concerning the child. Ask them for confidentiality. Most likely the child will not come clean about the home Situation by herself, out of fear or because (worse) her father asked her to.

Someone except of you needs to be alerted to her situation. She needs a safe space, which you had clearly provided so far. Do not delude yourself. It cannot be you anymore, not while you are staying there.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2021
id 8673068
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 wiltedheart (original poster new member #78616) posted at 12:59 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I will be moving out soon. I just wanted to get a second opinion on whether it would negatively affect me in the divorce or not before I move out (I have an appointment with a solicitor next week).

I did look up narcissism and I'm not sure if my WH is. His current behaviour definitely makes him seem like one but he was so different before that I'm having a hard time accepting that he is.

Try putting some hard dates into a calendar so you have something to work through. Keep if list on your phone of dick moves your WH has done, so that you can consult it when you waiver. I did this with a GF I had. I called it tgecRed Flag file and it allowed me a more clinical perspective. Funny how you can pick out patterns of behavior when you step back a bit.

I'm trying this and it has been a huge help. My WH goes from being nice to awful and it throws me off so this has been really helpful to remind myself that he's a jerk.

I've spoken to my stepdaughter's therapist so she's aware and I've been trying to convince my in-laws to look out for her when I leave but my WH has lied to them and they don't trust me right now so anything I say hasn't been well received.

Thank you for all of the advice and support so far, it has been a huge help!

posts: 9   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2021
id 8673702
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 1:06 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I will be moving out soon. I just wanted to get a second opinion on whether it would negatively affect me in the divorce or not before I move out (I have an appointment with a solicitor next week).

You should consult with your lawyer on that.

It's a good thing you're seeing the real him now, like you said, he's a jerk.

All the best!

posts: 382   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8673705
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 1:26 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

wiltedheart

It is best to check with the lawyers before moving out to ensure you are not adversely impact by the move.

It's hard to accept your WH as he is today but perhaps this is who he really is.

You have done you can with regards to the stepdaughter. It's time for you to take care if yourself and let go. As many posters have advised, keep yourself hydrated, eat proper meals, exercise and most importantly detach mentally and emotionally from your WH. These aren't easy steps but you all necessary to get out of this awful situation.

Sending strengths and good luck.

posts: 142   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8673714
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Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 9:19 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I did look up narcissism and I'm not sure if my WH is. His current behaviour definitely makes him seem like one but he was so different before that I'm having a hard time accepting that he is.

That's the problem with toxic folks (whether they be narcissistic, antisocial, borderline or simply emotionally deficient and abusive in some way) - they aren't openly hostile until they are.

More often than not they will do their best (and I'm not being sarcastic writing this) to hide the less appealing side of their personality and emotional makeup, but once the genie is out of the bottle, it's out.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8673777
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 wiltedheart (original poster new member #78616) posted at 12:51 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

It's been a while but I just wanted to update everyone because I basically moved out over a week ago. I'm staying with my sister until I can get a place of my own so a lot of my stuff is still there but I couldn't stand living there anymore. I feel loads better away from them/the situation.

I know this probably sounds really petty but a little birdie told me that the AP's life hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine, which makes me happy. Her parents have cut her off financially, which, in hindsight, is probably why she practically invaded my home. They probably wanted me gone so she could move in permanently. I wonder how long paradise will last now that her lifestyle will surely take a hit since WH definitely can't afford her expensive taste on just his income and she doesn't work.

Also, it seems like she should've been worrying about her own friends, including her CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND, and not me when it came to her ex... I really hope she finds out just how much they want to comfort her ex. I kind of want to tell her.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2021
id 8679634
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 2:06 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Good for you. Well done!! I hope you don't have too much trouble getting your stuff. If worse comes to worse, you might consider getting a storage unit until you find a place. I wouldn't leave anything I cared about behind though.

I honestly don't think your STBX was even marginally capable of R. He never stopped blame-shifting. It's sad about your step-daughter. Maybe one day when she's older she'll understand what happened.

Also, it seems like she should've been worrying about her own friends, including her CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND, and not me when it came to her ex... I really hope she finds out just how much they want to comfort her ex. I kind of want to tell her.

Not sure what to tell you about that. On the one hand, that's some delicious schadenfreude. On the other, sometimes the best revenge is when the cheater gets what he thought he wanted.

posts: 4542   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8679643
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:08 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

I am glad that you are out of that toxic situation.

But believe me, silence and indifference from you is the worst thing that you could inflict on them. They are a disaster, and need drama, so if you get involved in any way, it feeds their shitty egos. But if they receive nothing from you but crickets....or a matter-of-fact response to getting your items? THAT will hit them the hardest--because the need to feel important....like having control over you.

Don't give them the satisfaction.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3822   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8679644
Topic is Sleeping.
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