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Loneliness and Decision Making

thrown71 posted 6/5/2021 08:49 AM

I wasn't sure what to title this, but I wanted input from other members. I am the BW. I filed for divorce May 5 and had moved out of our home at the beginning of April. This was after 15 months of trying to reconcile our 25 year marriage after I found out that WH had a 3 month affair on Dec. 7, 2019. This (moving out) was also after a few months of anger from him and fighting and words said to me that I can't forget.
Overall he hadn't worked on himself much during those 15 months of reconciliation, but he did tell me many times what he needed from me. I went to counseling and did EMDR and worked on me. We tried 2 attempts at marriage counseling with no success. Once I moved out he delved into IC and was going sometimes 2 times a week. Now of all times he finally tried to work on himself.
From when I moved out to end of May we had little contact with each other, except for some texts. I started joining some groups and doing things I wanted to do. Many times in the texts, he told me he didn't want the divorce and wanted to work things out. But, I was just done, done trying, done being mad, done crying, done with him and our marriage. I don't hate him, I just felt that the marriage had run its course and that I would never look at him the same, nor be able to trust him (not necessarily that he would cheat, but that I couldn't trust him with what he was saying to me was the truth....felt like he just tried to tell me what I wanted to hear etc.... )I also wanted to be able to find me, I felt that over the years, I lost my identity and stopped enjoying things.

Our youngest DS graduated last weekend, Mat 29th, and the day before STBXH and myself met for lunch to discuss grad party and stuff. then the next day our oldest DD (21), myself, and STBXH went to graduation ceremony and to lunch, and did some errands together. This was very hard emotionally on me, because it was if we were a family again.
Now comes to last night and today. We are having a grad party jointly today (Sat June 5th) for our son. Yesterday I went over and helped set up for the party. Then, last night we went to a mutual friends daughter grad party together and then to dinner. It was nice, we can talk pretty easily and at times it feels like old times. then on the way to my apartment to drop me off, he started to tell me that if I have any doubts about impending divorce that he wanted to be with me. I couldn't really respond. Then after drop off, he texted me about how he still loves me. I told him that drinking (which I had 3 glasses of wine) that my thoughts were muddled and I can't make any decisions at that time.
Anyways, I can't decide now that after 2 months away and due to being an empty nester and feeling alone if it is just that, which makes me want to contemplate a 2nd chance or if I should stick with the proceedings of the divorce. I think I have a lot of fear of being alone that I don't want that to muddle my thoughts with trying yet again for reconciliation.
Today will be another difficult day at the grad party for our DS.

clouds777 posted 6/5/2021 10:00 AM

Moving in to the unknown is just SO hard. I hear you. I took several years to final go through with the divorce because I felt guilt. Me! The BS!?! So, I do understand that fear of the unknown and fear of being alone. Based on your previous posts, he is very good at manipulating you and has not demonstrated that he is R material. Have his actions now changed or only his words?

Do not feel pressured to answer him or console him. Take all the time you need. From your description, he still sounds more concerned with what he wants (you to take him back) than what is helping you (time apart to heal). What he wants should not factor in to your decision. If he was truly concerned with your healing, I don't think he would be badgering you like this.

gmc94 posted 6/5/2021 11:09 AM

he still sounds more concerned with what he wants (you to take him back) than what is helping you (time apart to heal). What he wants should not factor in to your decision
Bingo.

crazyblindsided posted 6/5/2021 11:30 AM

he still sounds more concerned with what he wants (you to take him back) than what is helping you (time apart to heal). What he wants should not factor in to your decision

This ^^^ I needed to read this too because it’s been like this for the last 7 months separated and all I’ve seen is concern for himself.

(((Thrown71))) these gatherings and celebrations aren’t easy. I have been mostly NC with my ex because he’s a narc but did have to see him for first time at my daughter’s graduation and it was cordial and strange.

The1stWife posted 6/6/2021 06:13 AM

Let’s project fir a minute. Let’s say you go back to him.

You stated trust (he’s not lying) will be difficult. So right there you won’t be 100% on solid ground.

He doesn’t appear to have done anything to address his issues.

He wants you back. Yes he “loves” you but he doesn’t respect you. And he’s not done anything to show you he’s changed in that area.

So you would be going back for companionship?!

I think you are in a very vulnerable situation right now and he’s using that as his playing card. He’s hoping you will give in to him and his “I love you” texts. You see how easy it is to slip into the role of his wife and the whole family thing you know.

That is what he’s going for.

How has he changed? What will be different? What issues has he addressed?

Before you consider reconciling I think you should stand firm here. 60 days is not long enough for your H to prove himself to you. You already spent 15 months trying to R. You did what HE wanted and addressed things.

He did not.

But now he expects you to come running back. Because he doesn’t want to be alone. He doesn’t like having to do everything for himself. His life has changed (due to his own poor choices) and he’s no longer controlling you. He hates that even more.

After the grad party I suggest very limited contact with him.

nekonamida posted 6/6/2021 10:16 AM

From when I moved out to end of May we had little contact with each other, except for some texts. I started joining some groups and doing things I wanted to do.

If you keep doing this and reach out to friends and family more, you will feel less lonely. You will adjust. You're very early in the process and it will get better. STBXWH was your habit for 25 years. It's going to take more than a few weeks to find your new groove.

Why rush to make any decision? Why not give yourself a few more months, see how you feel, and see what he does? You don't have to decide right now if you don't want to.

Robert22205https posted 6/6/2021 14:24 PM

... have done that actually and then he gets really mad and screams at me that I have been stringing him along and also has called me vindictive, cold, mean, and even a bitch. He has done this both in texts and verbally.

I have no one really to talk to about this (except for therapists). I don't know what to do.

With respect to your recent post above on May 31st.

The above person is not a good candidate for R. He is verbally and emotionally abusive - run!

Keep the door shut...distance yourself physically and emotionally. Don't text or communicate in any way about your feelings or his (only business texts about the kids or divorce). Don't let him get close to you again.

He's also very (VERY) manipulative. He read you like a book and realized you were feeling sentimental and remembering the good times. He pounced when he knew you were most vulnerable to his BS.

Your mixed feelings are normal. Your son's graduation and the family gathering bring up old memories and feelings - but that's not 'who' he is today.


The1stWife posted 6/6/2021 19:07 PM

You realize he is acting out of fear and anger.

He gets angry b/c he cannot get what HE wants.

He gets angry b/c he fears his life will never be as good as it was b/c you “left” him. In reality he “left” you and the Marriage by cheating.

He’s enraged because he lost control of you.

Maybe zero contact unless it’s about kids or an emergency is the next step.

thrown71 posted 6/6/2021 21:19 PM

Thanks for all the advice, I do feel that I am very vulnerable now, especially with the DS graduating etc...After the grad party yesterday, STBXWH had a fire pit with some neighbor friends and family members, this morning he put it on FaceBook (picture and comment). It did make me teary eyed this morning because I used to hang out at this same fire pit with neighbor friends and it made me sad. It was also funny that he posted that but he has not posted anything about our son-grad day or grad party.

I think you are in a very vulnerable situation right now and he’s using that as his playing card. He’s hoping you will give in to him and his “I love you” texts. You see how easy it is to slip into the role of his wife and the whole family thing you know.

Yes, very vulnerable right now, he has a larger and closer family than mine. I was very involved with his family and now I am not. I do think I feel that I miss the companionship.

You realize he is acting out of fear and anger.
He gets angry b/c he cannot get what HE wants.

He gets angry b/c he fears his life will never be as good as it was b/c you “left” him. In reality he “left” you and the Marriage by cheating.

He’s enraged because he lost control of you.

Maybe zero contact unless it’s about kids or an emergency is the next step.

Yes, from mid January until I moved out, he would get very angry at me (or ignore me-like completely cold shoulder me when I talked to him). When I left he started attending IC 2 times a week and one of the things he worked on with his therapist was his anger. He admitted to me that he was angry because I was leaving him. I do agree with your statements. He has told me that he he will never find anyone like me.


he still sounds more concerned with what he wants (you to take him back) than what is helping you (time apart to heal). What he wants should not factor in to your decision

Thank you, I needed to hear this. He has always been about his needs and what we (or specifically me) need to do.

I have been doing my best staying no contact, and usually only talk about kids or finances things with the divorce, but when I do try to ask him something about the house or investments accounts and how we may split them-then he usually goes back to that, he is sorry and that he is sad when I ask him about divorce things, and he doesn't want the divorce, so we get nowhere and now my lawyer is figuring it out.

This sucks, divorce sucks, but him cheating was traumatizing and something I can't forget.

leafields posted 6/6/2021 22:01 PM

My XWH ignored me the last few years of our M that I would rather be by myself than be with him for the rest of my life.

Sure, there are times when I miss him and our family (pre-A). Even though there may have been pockets of good, it would never outweigh the bad.

My XWH was never going to be a safe partner. I'd rather be on my own.

FWIW, 2 of 3 of my boys (all adults) said they couldn't see why I stayed married so long.

My XWH would stay married so he wasn't the bad guy.

[This message edited by leafields at 10:03 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

Fof9303 posted 6/7/2021 16:52 PM

So sorry that you are going through this. It stinks that we have had to endure this type of pain. It certainly is not a walk in the park. After putting myself where you are now in your relationship, I think I would just continue to do what you are doing for now. There is no reason to divorce right away if you even have some thought about it. Just wait it out. Time will tell. It will also tell if he really tries to get his act together and make the changes needed. God Bless.

phmh posted 6/7/2021 19:33 PM

I have been doing my best staying no contact, and usually only talk about kids or finances things with the divorce

Then how do you know what he has posted on his FB page? Your healing accelerates when you go NC. I know it's hard, but it is so necessary. Unfriend him. And if you have friends that are telling you what he's saying/doing, tell them to stop. You need time to heal.

You've got this.

thrown71 posted 6/9/2021 12:05 PM

There is no reason to divorce right away if you even have some thought about it. Just wait it out. Time will tell. It will also tell if he really tries to get his act together and make the changes needed.

I filed already, and the state where I live there is a 60 day "cool off period", we are more than halfway there. My lawyer is working on options for dividing assets. STBXWH has done a lot of individual counseling that last 2 months (at times 2 times a week). He has worked on his anger that he was exhibiting towards me this winter. The thing is, I have no idea if he has changed or just going through the motions (since we aren't living together, nor see or talk to much).

He is telling me he has changed and how he has changed, but how would I really know if he has?
I do know he totally regrets the cheating and has remained NC.

-Michelle

thrown71 posted 6/9/2021 12:07 PM

Then how do you know what he has posted on his FB page? Your healing accelerates when you go NC. I know it's hard, but it is so necessary. Unfriend him. And if you have friends that are telling you what he's saying/doing, tell them to stop. You need time to heal.

Had unfollowed him, but then did again prior to grad party since that is the main way we invited people to it.
Neither one of us actually posts much on it.

-Michelle

Marz posted 6/10/2021 00:31 AM

You made the decision to file for a reason. What’s changed?

Words don’t mean much. Actions do.

Anna123 posted 6/10/2021 08:18 AM

It was also funny that he posted that but he has not posted anything about our son-grad day or grad party.

Yep. Because that's how many of them are. You notice it because it speaks volumes and you know your cheater. Partying at the fire-pit is way cooler than son's graduation in his world.

So---- now it's time for NO CONTACT. The reason for NC is so that you can detach. Being with him, talking to him, feels SO safe and familiar. You literally CAN NOT detach from him while continuing this. The two months aren't wasted. Sure being together brought it all back but pick up where you left off.

As far as wondering if his therapy is helping him or not. They way to tell, is to continue with the divorce. In your mind, know that if he is truly dedicated to changing his way, it will be obvious over time. It won't be a question for you to figure out. From the safety of divorce, you can re-evaluate.

Odds are of course against him ever changing, but if it helps now for you moving forward, keep that tucked away as a possibility. If he jumps in a new relationship that lasts and you "miss out" on this wonderful changed person, then you really weren't that special to him were you?

I know it's harsh but keeping the reality of who he is in the front of your mind is important at this time, especially after a step back.

Take care of yourself. You will adjust to the absence of the feeling of having a solid partner. Remember, that feeling was not accurate. You are more stable without him.

dogcopter posted 6/10/2021 11:00 AM

I've only read the original post so far, but I did want to drop a note that accepting that the other person might get better after the split is very difficult but oh so necessary.

For me, I've been journalling that my leaving might be the catalyst to her getting the treatment my love addicted wife needs. But if I were to stay, she probably wouldn't get better. (I've already tried that, she doesn't change without consequences it seems)

So there's a lot to think about. I want to challenge you to work on accepting and even hoping for his recovery in this.

Quickly typed out between meetings... good luck OP.

dogcopter posted 6/10/2021 11:21 AM

... I hope that made sense... I think maybe I could have worded it better though.

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