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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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RealityBlows posted 5/27/2021 16:37 PM

VAR: Voice Activated Recorder

ChamomileTea posted 5/27/2021 16:45 PM

You are getting good advice, but I do agree with those who have suggested that you send a PI if possible. Typically, PI's who work divorce cases understand what kind of evidence will be acceptable in court. Right now, you're understandably emotional about your marriage, and the PI is not. S/he will be able to simply treat it as a job and get what you need. You've got two small children and a lot at stake. Having the option to divorce on grounds gives your attorney more negotiating room if it comes to that.

ETA: If you can't wait to confront (and that's understandable), you'll need to get the evidence yourself. Know what the courts are looking for and then stow your emotions while you get the evidence.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 4:48 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

src9043 posted 5/27/2021 16:47 PM

If you don't live in a no-fault state, I would get a P.I. immediately and have that person get all the incriminating evidence needed tomorrow night at the hotel. See if you can at least get a lawyer to talk to you today to find out that bit of information. The lawyer could probably recommend a good P.I. to catch her. You have to move fast. Good luck.

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 16:52 PM

Thanks great advice

Yeah I could have somebody watch the kids while i take pictures. But I just worry I will get too emootional doing it and wont be able to leave it at pictures.

I think I am leaning towards contacting some other lawyers, and getting a PI to take pics. I just have to make sure I can keep my mouth shut until then. I think I can do that, but I know it wont be easy.

Ahhhhhh thanks that makes sense.

Yeah I agree I think you are right about using a PI

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 16:54 PM


Thank yeah good call. I dont know much the PI will be able to get, as from what I got from the texts, they go to the room seperately and i think he pays. She made comments to him about making sure the door is unlocked so she could sneak in.

asc1226 posted 5/27/2021 17:03 PM

I dont know much the PI will be able to get, as from what I got from the texts, they go to the room seperately and i think he pays. She made comments to him about making sure the door is unlocked so she could sneak in

Sheís really got this down. If sheís not a serial cheater sounds like sheís put a lot of thought into details. Maybe sheís had close calls running into friends/acquaintances.

elKAPPYtan posted 5/27/2021 17:05 PM

Thank yeah good call. I dont know much the PI will be able to get, as from what I got from the texts, they go to the room seperately and i think he pays. She made comments to him about making sure the door is unlocked so she could sneak in

hotel or motel? He can take pics of her going in her room, then leaving her room and entering his, with time stamps. Then again when she comes out, and when he comes out.

Thumos posted 5/27/2021 17:10 PM

So financial and physical infidelity combined. I'm so sorry, friend.

Get a full STD panel as quickly as you can to ensure you have not been exposed to disease. Go celibate with your WW, if you have not already. She's not physically safe.

Having gone on this long is a lot to forgive and try to reconcile with, especially as much subterfuge has been involved and how she has diverted family money.

You need to see an attorney and take their advice. You are in position to seek alimony and child support.

My gut reaction is not to get sucked into limbo and try for "reconciliation." Reconciliation CAN and does work, but it requires a VERY remorseful, genuinely remorseful spouse. I doubt you'd get that from her for a very long time considering where her head seems to be at with the texts.

Limbo is a hellish place to be. Better to rip off the Band-aid. I'm speaking from personal experience.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:15 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 5/27/2021 17:17 PM

If have to go the PI route, Im not gping to lie, the thought is gut wrenching. I know they have already been together for so long, but it is happening in real time is enough to make me throw up. But if the lawyer gets with me today and recommends it then I will try to do it.

Better to let pros handle it than trying to confront them in your emotional state. Just my opinion.

Thumos posted 5/27/2021 17:20 PM

You are also correct in that this may not be her first time. She did cheat on me when we first got together years ago when we were in school. I found proof in her email and confronted her. She admitted it then we moved past it. But I always just chalked that up to the fact we were only stupid teenagers newly dating. But looking back on it now there is cleary a pattern. And maybe there were others.

you did what is called rugsweeping. I'm sorry. Odds are she's a serial cheater. Reconciling with a serial cheater is well nigh impossible.

Butforthegrace posted 5/27/2021 17:21 PM

When do you expect to see her next? Will she be home from work any time soon? What is your plan in terms of how you will act around her?

Booyah posted 5/27/2021 17:21 PM

The sooner you can get pics at hotel the sooner you can confront.

See what you can do to hire PI for tomorrow night.

Stevesn posted 5/27/2021 17:24 PM

Contact a PI and get them in place for the rendezvous tomorrow. They will know the best way to get the evidence. They have lots of skills.

Tell them what you told us about the strategies your WW and the POSOM use.

By the way $850 for a massage huh. Wow

waitedwaytoolong posted 5/27/2021 17:37 PM

I had a PI bust my wife and her AP. Best decision I ever made. Who knows what would have happened if I had done it myself. At the time he probably would have beaten me in an altercation, but even if he hadnít it would have been nasty.

The PI was a pro. Got what I needed and was trained in not confronting in a way that would escalate. The AP ran for the hills, and my EX pleaded for him not to tell me and even offered him money.

I do think if their isnít enough time, you could send a friend with a camera if he or she stays at a safe distance. You wonít get visual proof of the act, but that is really rare anyway. You might get them showing affection going in or coming out.

Itís always good to get legal advice, but frankly you have everything you need. It might be nice to show up at her work right before she leaves to screw up their fun.

Robert22205https posted 5/27/2021 17:37 PM

After she gets home tonight, consider faking a sore throat and fever and going to a 24hour medical clinic (if available in your town)to get help with sleeping etc. If there's no 24hr pharmacy, ask for a free sample for tonight.

asc1226 posted 5/27/2021 17:48 PM

I dont know much the PI will be able to get,

Itís not just pictures. If you can get the PI access to her phone and computer heíll know how to recover a lot. Also, do you have any of her old devices around?

[This message edited by asc1226 at 5:49 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Jameson1977 posted 5/27/2021 17:52 PM

Iceman, it certainly sounds like your WW is pretty well versed in cheating.

My WW and I were HS sweethearts, and each otherís firsts for just about everything. I thought we had something special in that respect. I felt that way until dday (5+ years ago). I would have never thought my WW was capable of cheating.

Well, on dday, I confirmed her last PA, as well as a ONS prior to marriage. Literally, her at a party, some random asked her is she wanted to F, and she did.....makes me sick how easy it was for her to give what I thought was special away so easily. I also (after years of TT) found out about 2 other EAís while we were married. Do I know everything, doubtful, but I know enough and itís bad enough.

All Iím trying to say is take off the rose coloured glasses, your WW (like mine and many others posting on your thread) is not the person you thought she was and has proven she is capable of a lot.

guvensiz posted 5/27/2021 18:14 PM

Sorry for the situation you are in.
You had great advice here. If you are wondering how they make such a good suggestions so quickly; most of the people here were once in your shoes and they know from experience what worked and what didn't, what mistakes they made etc. And of course, thousands of events encountered here bring us to a common consciousness on this issues. There are some minor differences, of course, but at least you can be sure that everyone is well intentioned.
Let me emphasize some of the points that I consider important.
First of all consult a lawyer(s) and ask for their advice. You don't need any extra evidence to be convinced that your WW is cheating on you. But the evidence you have may not be legally valid. That's why PI is important and if a lawyer recommends it hire a PI.

During and after the confrontation, you don't need to say all you know and how, and also you should avoid showing what you don't know. Just say that you know she is cheating on you, and you are going to divorce if you want it.

I know it's very hard not to show your emotions but the emotions you show her such as sadness, anger and especially pain will appear to be your weakness. Actually say what you have to say and don't get into any discussion with her. Don't listen to her bullshit (they always do), too. Don't buy her possible blameshifting, begging, crying, love bombing etc.
Don't dramatize the situation and don't expect her to be sorry and remorseful if she sees how sad and suffering you are. I'm sure there will be tears and regret, but they will not be for you but for herself and because she was caught cheating. Therefore try to be calm and enomotional, as if you are doing a job interview.

Good luck.

CuriousObserver posted 5/27/2021 18:48 PM

Whenever the confrontation does occur (and not before you have everything in order) you should expect big time DARVO. Some responses that will keep you in control of the situation are as follows:

"All I know for sure is you are willing to lie to my face." Repeat as often as needed.

"Do you deny that you are having an affair?"

Avoid drama. It lacks self control and you can't control the emotions. You must adopt the mindset of cold, calm, calculating indifference.

Don't use friends as a PI. The story WILL LEAK. People talk. They can't help themselves. They will tell someone in confidence who does not share your need to preserve the element of surprise and will spill it. No Friends.

Your job is to protect your children. You do this by leaving infidelity. Strap on your warrior's helmet. When you do play your hand she should see Walter White/Heisenberg in your eyes. You can cry later in private.

Strength brother.

KingofNothing posted 5/27/2021 18:57 PM

Are you sure this guy isnít a male sex worker? 1000 dollars every time? Tell me what isnít prostitution here? You know the payments for her affair are recoverable in a divorce, right?

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