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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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iceman1000000 posted 6/9/2021 14:37 PM

Hey everybody sorry have not been on here in a bit.

Thanks for all your helpful advice while I was mia.

There has been alot going on outside of the affair.

Seems like when it rains it pours.

I got my std test as did my wife and everything came back good.

I have not seen an attorney yet. The appointment was cancelled and has not been rescheduled yet. I have been having health issues that has required being in and out of the hospital with tests and seeing doctors. Very painful stomach issues. This has been going on since the end of last year but has been progressing steadily over the last month. Even before finding out about the affair.

They thought it was my gallbladder and I had a HIDA scan, but nothing showed up there. They think it is too high to be appendicitus. In any case that has taken up alot of my time.

Of course as if there isn't enough going on right now, I found out over the weekend that my mom was diagnosed with cancer. That further complicates everything of course. She was already devastated and stressed after finding out about the affair. I feel terrible that she now has to go through her even bigger problems while dealing with the angst all the issues surrounding the affair. We are very close with my family and my wife wants to be involved in helping her in any way she can.

So needless to say its messed up across the board right now lol.

My wife and I have not decided to reconcile. Nor have we decided to get a divorce. At this point we are just going day to day. Obviously that is not sustainable long term as I don't want to just flounder about. So clearly a decision needs to be made. It has just been difficult with everything else going on. But I don't want to fall back into right where we were before as that clearly was not healthy. She said she would like to try going to mediation before seeing a lawyer. I haven't committed to trying that option with her.

I think I am getting in with a therapist next week so hopefully that will help me clear my head a bit so I can make a decision that is not based emotionally.

I appreciate all the support I have gotten here. I will try to keep you updated. Thanks again for everything.

It is good she confessed to both families. How did the families respond?

Her parents are divorced and remarried.

To give you an idea how f up her family is and where some of this comes from, her mom basically told her good job. She then proceeded to rip her husband apart about how he doesn't satisfy her right in front of my wife. Of course making the conversation about her.

Her dad however was good about it. His wife called me to say they care about me and hope we can figure things out.

So I will again repeat what I previously said. I do not know how you can regain trust after what she has done for so long without polygraph tests which she should fall all over herself to do.

Yeah she said she would do a polygraph if I wanted. If we stayed together I would do that. If we got a divorce to be honest I dont really care at this point.

To have a good shot at changing, the pain of maintaining her current mindset must exceed the pain of becoming a safe partner for you. If you want a shot at R, she’ll have to understand that. So will you, because you’ll have to demonstrate the “pains” that will result from her not changing. Good luck and look for actions, not words.

Very well said thanks.

I'd have a very hard time trusting her with all the red flag around her hiding and spending money.

Yeah this is a big issue separate from the cheating that will be hard for me to get over.

Now, suddenly, as if on a dime, she wants Ice to believe that she got religion, is suddenly an honest and faithful woman, that this now stops cold, that she has come 100% clean, and and that she will forever more be a safe spouse. And Hell froze over, by the way. Bears no longer shit in the woods. The Pope converted to Islam.

Haha thanks you brought a smile to me.

Yes, she’s a serial cheat. And liar. She did volunteer to give Iceman information about the other affairs. It’s a horrible situation for Iceman. Let him process this without judgement.

Thank you I really appreciate the kind words.

Iceman...how are you doing (sleeping, dealing with the roller coaster of emotions)?
What support/feedback have you received from your family?

Are you in IC yet?

Have you been able to do something just for 'you' (even a walk in the park by yourself)?

Thanks doing okay the sleeping is getting much better. As is eating, though the stomach pain is causing an issue there.

My family has been very supportive and happy to help.

Counseling next week hopefully I am trying to go to a few different therapist to find a good fit.

Yeah have been trying to get some time to myself although it is hard with all the other issues going on right now.

Thanks

It's about your WW's unhealthy inability to self-validate. People aren't born needing external validation in order to feel whole.

Yeah she clearly has been though alot of trauma that I was not even fully aware of. Yes totally agree she is now in an unhealthy state where has to receive the validation to feel whole. Thats actually something I talked with her about. I asked her why would she think that my validation is ever going to be enough. At any point she could feel she needs more and her place to find that is with other men. She agreed and knows there are deeper issues that need to be resolved with her therapist.

Would not trust her around computers until 9pm either, from what you said her work is getting later and later, do you have full access are you able to install a keylogger for peace of mind?

Yeah I have her tracked pretty well currently. She actually did get contacted my eric and his gf on monday. They emailed her saying they wanted to check in to see how she was doing. I was curious if she would tell me so I didn't ask about it. She brought it to my attention and said she would respond to them in whatever way I felt was appropriate.

elKAPPYtan posted 6/9/2021 14:52 PM

She said she would like to try going to mediation before seeing a lawyer.

I bet, seeing how royally screwed she is in court.

Freeme posted 6/9/2021 15:07 PM

I agree with the above poster. She admitted to seeing a lawyer a few months ago. You need to see one too. Knowledge is power, you need to understand what divorce would look like if you plan to go that route.

From what you've written it doesn't look like she's jumping through hoops to save the marriage. It seems more like she is keeping it status quo either to help you process all the other things going on or in hopes you will rugsweep this or to hide more money.

Small steps, at lease see a lawyer. I'm very worried about you financially. From what you have written she clearly believes the money she earns is her money. She was sneaking funds during a time when you though the marriage was fine... I worry about what she is doing right now with the threat of divorce hanging over her head.

Please do not put off seeing a lawyer any longer. You don't have to file, you just need to know where you stand and what you can to to stop her from causing problems financially. This is for you and you kids future. Some lawyers give you the first hour free.

Robert22205https posted 6/9/2021 15:28 PM

IMO the appropriate response from her to Eric is: to not respond.

This is Eric checking to see if she's available to more cash or sex. Any response what so ever feeds the affair. And encourages him to reach out again.

Plus she owes him nothing.

Plus, he may be worried about his legal liability. Good let him live with uncertainty. Leave him 100% in the dark with zero contact.

Finally,why isn't he blocked and out of her life?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:29 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 6/9/2021 15:33 PM

I find the recent turn of events in your thread interesting. The way she sort of laid it all on the table the way she did, that was unexpected. A watershed moment of sort. I wonder if the threshold lying that launched your relationship sent her into a gradual spiral that ended up with her having sex with two AP's at the same time, and stealing money. Getting caught was possibly a sort of wake-up call.

There is a sense of an addiction of sorts. It might diminish the feelings of sexual humiliation and emasculation that often plague a BH.

At the same time, anybody married to an addict will tell you that, cheating or no cheating, it's a living Hell. Your WW's issues run deep. The levels of cheating and lying are profound and chronic. They smack of a person who cannot be trusted. Her line of work will create an endless stream of easy and tempting opportunities for more of the same going forward. You'll probably feel you have to become some sort of marriage police, which cannot possibly be tenable over the long run.

I wish you luck with your health and your family members' health. I think you realize that your stomach issues are quite likely linked to the stress you've been feeling from being married to a woman who is engaged in such deep levels of narcissism and dishonesty. It's a species of spousal abuse. Please try to stay healthy.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:10 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

This0is0Fine posted 6/9/2021 15:38 PM

iceman, I hope they screened you for stomach ulcers. I had those for a while and they are quite unpleasant.

Take it day by day as long as you need to. It's ok to choose to not make a decision for a while. Most of us go through that phase.

I'm the high earner in my household. My lawyer basically said, "Your best bet is to just do mediation without a lawyer if she is actually amenable to keep the agreement she wrote down. It's much less than she would get based on typical case law. Once she talks to a lawyer, they will have the responsibility to tell her as a client that what she has proposed is against her best financial interests." I can pretty much 100% guarantee her lawyer told her the same thing.

fareast posted 6/9/2021 16:32 PM

iceman:

Very sorry to hear about your mother. Strength to you. Take care of your own health and be there for your mother and your children. You have a lot to handle right now, beyond your WW’s infidelity. If you feel the need to get IC just do it. Your WW says the right words about her need for therapy, but her actions will tell you if she is serious. Set your priorities and set your boundaries. Time is your ally. You control whether your M continues. You decide what you want to do on your schedule. Take care.

Symajhi posted 6/9/2021 16:43 PM

Iceman's wife is what's called a vulnerable narcissist that has traits of borderline, histrionic, and dependent personality disorders, I'm convinced. His story is so uncannily close to mine that it's almost like reading what happened to me ten years ago. When I envision the events he describes, I'm picturing my XWW. In my case, it didn't end well. When I finally started standing up for myself and showing sparks of boundaries, I was discarded and replaced immediately with another man.

Iceman, I've read every single post of yours and all of the replies here on this thread over the past few days. This post of yours is the reason why I finally registered on this forum. I cannot stress to you enough that the road of R is NOT one you want to embrace with this woman and I would advise you, in the strongest language I can use here, to leave this woman and get your life back. So much of what happened to you happened to me except I'm the person that stayed for 8 more years. So, my interest here is in trying to save your life and save it from your own emotions that are, no doubt, tempting you to go in the opposite direction because you love her. I promise you that if you make the admittedly considerably more difficult (if that's a strong enough word) choice to cease this marriage and go your own way, that you WILL NOT REGRET IT and all of this will pass.

[This message edited by Symajhi at 4:48 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

Symajhi posted 6/9/2021 17:00 PM

iceman, I hope they screened you for stomach ulcers. I had those for a while and they are quite unpleasant.

This is a common ailment that comes from the stress of these types of traumatic events. It's generally digestive issues that can be grouped into the category of GERD. I had developed one major and I think one minor ulcer a couple of months after everything happened to me. I also encountered my first panic attacks which made everything worse.

KingofNothing posted 6/9/2021 17:05 PM

My wife and I have not decided to reconcile. Nor have we decided to get a divorce. At this point we are just going day to day. Obviously that is not sustainable long term as I don't want to just flounder about. So clearly a decision needs to be made.

I think your mind has made the decision-- your heart needs to catch up. You can't avoid this forever. Every day is a day she will be maximizing her advantage.

She said she would like to try going to mediation before seeing a lawyer. I haven't committed to trying that option with her.

Nor should you. She's caught dead to rights on several counts of financial infidelity and fraud above and beyond the multiple, persistent adultery. I doubt this will go well for her.

I'm sure you've considered alimony by now. I certainly hope so.

Symajhi posted 6/9/2021 17:18 PM

I find the recent turn of events in your thread interesting. The way she sort of laid it all on the table the way she did, that was unexpected. A watershed moment of sort. I wonder if the threshold lying that launched your relationship sent her into a gradual spiral that ended up with her having sex with two AP's at the same time, and stealing money. Getting caught was possibly a sort of wake-up call.

For a narcissist, this is done as a Hail Mary pass to try and save the primary supply source. In other words, it's dishonest and it's intended to fool the other person into thinking that they've had their Come to Jesus, introspective moment, but in reality, they haven't. For me, it was admittedly the most confusing aspect of my situation as this same thing happened to me. My XWW did the EXACT same things Iceman's WW did. But in the end, she was no different whatsoever. So what conclusion am I to come to?

There is a sense of an addiction of sorts. It might diminish the feelings of sexual humiliation and emasculation that often plague a BH.

I remember thinking the same thing when I was going through this a long time ago. From the outside, it looks like addiction; perhaps sexual or something else. I never could figure it out until I finally spoke with a counselor who was trained in narcissistic abuse. The explanation behind it is kind of technical, but basically these people that do this stuff are stunted emotionally like little kids and lack the capability to see people as anything other than objects. They lack empathy. That's why there's no actual real emotional and vulnerable connection. It's just take, take, take.


At the same time, anybody married to an addict will tell you that, cheating or no cheating, it's a living Hell. Your WW's issues run deep. The levels of cheating and lying are profound and chronic. They smack of a person who cannot be trusted. Her line of work will create an endless stream of easy and tempting opportunities for more of the same going forward. You'll probably feel you have to become some sort of marriage police, which cannot possibly be tenable over the long run.

This, exactly. This happened to me. I became a surrogate father figure who had to lay down rules and watch what my W was doing instead of being a husband. It was the strangest thing. It led to hypervigilance; being stuck in that fight or flight mode, always on edge, always waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next betrayal, the next surprise. And it led to health problems that I mentioned above. You become ambivalent. You're ALWAYS stuck between staying and leaving as your emotional and rational segments of your mind tear each other part as they vie for dominance. It's awful. And, in the end, you become a shell of who you are, because the entire focus of your life shifts from being fulfilled in life by normal things like marriage, career, kids, etc into one of relentlessly and ceaselessly trying to fix your marriage in hopes of things being better later. It's not a good thing and it does not end well because they just keep doing the same things over and over regardless of the love or conviction or reverence you show for your vows.

Thumos posted 6/9/2021 19:49 PM

I wish you luck with your health and your family members' health. I think you realize that your stomach issues are quite likely linked to the stress you've been feeling from being married to a woman who is engaged in such deep levels of narcissism and dishonesty. It's a species of spousal abuse. Please try to stay healthy.

I was going to say the same thing. Surely you see, iceman, the direct connection between gut issues and what your WW has been doing. You knew before you knew, or your gut did. It’s been screaming at you for awhile and now you’re suffering physical symptoms. It’s all connected.

Marz posted 6/9/2021 20:10 PM

Iceman your path is not up to your wife which ever way you go.

That should be your decision not hers.

Any input from her is sketchy at best.

Cooley2here posted 6/9/2021 20:32 PM

Please don’t let the doctors give you a pat on the head and say they can’t find anything and then just ignore things. You’re having stomach aches for a reason. Someone needs to find out why. I never want to bring up scary things to someone who’s already dealing with this but I have a very good friend who found some devastating news because she ignored symptoms much like yours. Pain is there to tell you there’s something wrong. Bug your doctors until they do something. Perhaps a CAT scan. If they looked at everything including a colonoscopy and an endoscopy, look at your pancreas and liver and find nothing then IBS might be the cause. Unrelenting stress causes the body to break down. Make getting answers your focus right now. I think your health takes precedents over anything else.

Booyah posted 6/9/2021 22:11 PM

Ice so sorry to hear about your mom. Praying they found it early and that she'll get through this ok.

I agree with Cooley. Don't mess around with this (your stomach pain). They need to do a CT Scan and soon.

Please take care of your health issues first but you really need to hire an attorney ASAP!!

Glad you checked in and please keep us updated. We're here to support you no matter what you decide.

Buster123 posted 6/9/2021 22:53 PM

Iceman this is the same woman who has betrayed you in a very horrible way and was stashing money away to prepare for battle and D, now she wants to go the "mediation" route, as already mentioned, this most likely came from her attorney, in an effort to minimize the financial hit she would suffer, instead get your own attorney and prepare for battle, your WW has not even blocked her boyfriend and is still receiving messages from him, btw there are many ways she could respond without you knowing, a friend's phone, work phones, etc.

KingofNothing posted 6/10/2021 08:16 AM

BTW, Iceman, I forgot to mention this. I'm so sorry about your mom's condition. Let's hope and pray this is treatable and correctable.

Please take care of yourself, as well. We are all pulling for you. The mind and the body are intricately connected and don't think for a second that your wife's affair didn't contribute to this. Unfortunately this is not a time for your eye to wander off the ball but please make some time for yourself in all this mess. You do your children no good at all if your health is shattered during the divorce.

HouseOfPlane posted 6/10/2021 11:10 AM

Positive thoughts for your mom, Iceman

gemini12 posted 6/10/2021 12:31 PM

Let me add my good wishes for your mother and your health as well.

As others have stated stress can show up in the most unusual ways. I had very similar symptoms as yours while going through my divorce. I was tested for everything under the sun. My stomach issues were all stress related as it turned out. My pain when away as my life settled down. Hopefully you will have the same result.

You really need to speak to an attorney asap. The initial consult should be less than one hour. Anything after can be handled via email or phone.

Your wife has already spoken to an attorney and right now you have no idea what she is planning.
Don't get caught flat footed. You need to act now.

Robert22205https posted 6/14/2021 07:39 AM

Iceman ... how are you? are you still experiencing stomach pain? How are you sleeping? Have you had a chance to talk to your attorney?


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