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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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ChamomileTea posted 5/28/2021 14:10 PM

asked her about the $6,000 she took out a couple weeks ago, she said she had it in her office as well. She likes to keep cash there in case something happens with COVID and she needs cash.


I didn't really buy that, so I asked about the $155,000 she cleared out of our savings. She said she moved it to our other account we hadn't been using because it has gets a better interest rate.


This sounds like bullshit. Honestly, who would leave 6k in cash laying around in their office? Even if it's in a safe, it's not safer than in the bank. She's DOING something with that money. It's suspiciously close to the size of an average attorney retainer fee, isn't it? And if $155,000. is exactly HALF the money, I'd say she's beaten you to the starting gate for divorce. Is your name on that account?

Thumos posted 5/28/2021 14:14 PM

It's suspiciously close to the size of an average attorney retainer fee, isn't it?

CT is spot on. This is exactly the average retainer fee in most parts of America. Ranges from $5-6,000

You are being played here, friend.

Need to act.

Jambomo posted 5/28/2021 14:16 PM

I think I would definitely go to the lawyer and start the divorce proceedings. You need the protection financially given the sums she has been taking out, especially the squirrelling away of large sums - thatís worrying.

I would also DNA the kids. You will always wonder and itís better to just check and know for sure than have the doubt eat away at you. You know inside you will still love them and be their father regardless of the result.

I would report the OM to his employers, if only to prevent him preying on others and his employer deserves to know whatís happening, that behaviour can have consequences for them.

IF she starts to feel sorry and IF she starts to look like a candidate for reconciliation the divorce can be stopped or you can even try again after divorce. At the moment you are vulnerable and she is in remorseful - thatís not a promising combination Iím afraid.

Robert22205https posted 5/28/2021 14:18 PM

Ask her tonight if she spoke to or contacted the OM today? If so why (since there's no love). Did they need to get the story straight?

IMO you should insist on a written timeline.

3 years is a lot of lying and deceit in your face every day.

Reducing her affair to writing not only discourages her from changing the story - but tends to convert (in her mind) the affair from a harmless romance to the immoral selfish deceitful betrayal it is. Making the timeline subject to a polygraph discourages further lying or withholding of information.

Furthermore, the time line, finding a new therapist and putting you on all the bank accounts is immediate evidence that she truly wants to R.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:21 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 5/28/2021 14:22 PM

IF she starts to feel sorry and IF she starts to look like a candidate for reconciliation the divorce can be stopped or you can even try again after divorce.

Even then, we're talking about three years of deception, stone cold lies, financial fraud and risky threesome sex.

Three years.

Countless stone cold lies, countless choices, countless times she had no inkling of guilt.

How many times did she come home and have sex with you? How many times did she kiss you with that mouth after having engaged in threesome sex only an hour or two before? Sat down with her children after having been in a bedroom with another man and woman only an hour or two before?

We're not too shy about being graphic here because that's the only way to discuss these ugly realities here, unfortunately.

Robert22205https posted 5/28/2021 14:25 PM

Ask your attorney if the therapist validated continuing the affair, does that make her complicit in adultery under Idaho law?

jujuchrist posted 5/28/2021 14:33 PM

Your wife said everything when she said "either we improve the marriage or we divorce".

She told you this spontaneously when you were talking to her about the affair.
It implies that this divorce has been on her mind for a while, and these money moves confirm it. CT is right. She is going behind your back. Her plan was to divorce and to tell you about it at the last moment (don't forget that she talked to OM about having a child with him...).
You know this now. Except that since you can prove the adultery you can revise all the calculations she made (she thought she was getting a divorce without any reason, you will impose a reason of adultery and that will change the figures).
Get a good lawyer, don't consider R, in her head your wife is lined up for a divorce.

Please, don't be stupid and watch the big picture : your wife has been planing a divorce for a while and she did this behind your back. Your discovery has just broken her plans, now take the lead and file for D at YOUR conditions.

Butforthegrace posted 5/28/2021 14:37 PM

I'd remind you of this from your first post:

I kept track of the package until she opened it, and made sure i knew where she put it. I checked it when she wasn't around and I found mens clothing that wasn't my size. Also some bed sheets.

Compare that to what she said to you about the "extra" money she has been withdrawing (extra above whatever she's paying her boytoy for his dick):

She used part of the money to pay for the massages everytime before they had sex. Part of the money she would use to buy things she didn't want me to know about like going out to eat etc. The rest she claims she has been putting away at her office.


I asked her about the $6,000 she took out a couple weeks ago, she said she had it in her office as well. She likes to keep cash there in case something happens with COVID and she needs cash.

I agree with the others. Something smells rotten in Denmark. Men's clothes for another man, and bed sheets. "Buy things she didn't want me to know about like going out to eat."

She's engaged in financial shenanigans. Your lawyer has access to forensic accountants who can figure that out.

Frankly, the benign scenario is that the $6,000 is for a lawyer retainer and the $155,000 is her "half" of the money. You mentioned she's in the mortgage origination business. That business is rife with corruption. Bribery, kickbacks, embezzlement. She's a woman who will cheat on her marriage. Not a stretch to think she might try to cheat business partners, or the IRS.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:51 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

Booyah posted 5/28/2021 14:53 PM

Ice you better lawyer up FAST my friend because you are being PLAYED!!!

HellFire posted 5/28/2021 15:11 PM

she texted both he and the girlfriend. She told them I had found out and that it was over. They texted back saying she was a good mom and wished her the best.

That's just odd. WHY would they respond like that?? Why would they tell her she's a good mom??

BTW, she's a shitty mom. Good moms don't have affairs. They don't take time from their children, to spend with an AP. They don't risk their children's family,home,happiness, and security for a side piece. They certainly don't risk the life of their children's father, by having unprotected sex.

Also..run to the clinic. If he is as open sexually as she says he is, you have been exposed to God knows what.

jujuchrist posted 5/28/2021 15:13 PM

Another thing.

I think her story about her OM open couple and his girlfriend OK with it is bullshit.

1 reason :

- even in a very open couple... She proposed this guy to give him a child. His girlfriend would be OK with that?! Come on.. Nobody does that.

This smells shit.
I think that she's protecting the OM and that she does not want you to tell the OBS.
Call the OBS and make sure by yourself, you might be surprised.

Expose her. File for divorce and expose everything.

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 3:21 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

Jameson1977 posted 5/28/2021 15:14 PM

Sounds like an exit affair to me given how aloof she was when confronted. I would bet there is a lot more to this story.

Donít pay any attention to her bullshit about her wanting to talk to you about the state of the marriage and that it hasnít been good for a long time.

As others have said, lawyer up, document the $ situation, get STD testing ASAP. It does sound like she wants to turn this around and blame the marriage for her screwing the OM and his GF.

If it were me, Iíd give her the D she seems to want.

Mene posted 5/28/2021 15:19 PM

You only know 20% of the truth. Sheís a liar. Like the rest of them. Cheaters lie a lot. Three years of lies. Do not believe anything she says.

Report the AP to his employer AND the board that regulates his profession. NOW! Blow his world up. He should never practice as a massage therapist again.

The money situation is a big red flag. Hopefully, youíll be able to recover the $155,000.

She has ZERO respect for you.

And that text about being a good mom? Theyíre making that judgement? Those assholes? That scum? They hold the high moral ground? Happy to have an affair with a married mother?

Sheís not a good mother! Good mothers donít cheat on the childrenís father and also expose him to STI/STDs. Sheís a terrible mother!

Robert22205https posted 5/28/2021 15:21 PM

Why did she just have a baby with you if she was so unhappy in the marriage?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:24 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

hardtomove posted 5/28/2021 15:27 PM

First of all you think at least 2years? get at least 24000 dollars out and put in an account for yourself. That's the minimum . Consult with lawyer draw up papers and present. Your wife is out the door and deep planning her escape. Do not be caught unprepared, Please please be proactive not reactive

Marz posted 5/28/2021 15:38 PM

Sorry man but cheaters all lie a lot. They all follow the same script and will only admit to what you can prove. Sorry but you probably only know the tip of the iceberg,

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Sheís blaming you for her horrid actions. The affair was on her 100%. Donít fall fall for that bullshit.

You need STD testing ASAP. Your wayward wife has put your health at risk. You have no idea where heís been.

Her AP said she was a good mom. Bwahahahaha, what good mother risks destroying her marriage and family by living another life for 3 years.

Do not jump into marriage counseling. This field is full of morons. Some can cause more damage than help. Your marriage isnít broken she is.

The thing you need to realize is your wife is a typical cheater. Nothing special at all.

Locate the other money. You cannot trust her at all. Iíll bet its in her name only. As far as the cash in her office do not give her time to cover her tracks. You should have waited until she got there beforehand asking her to show it to you. Too late now.

Donít be surprised if having you stay home with the kids was done to allow her to spend more time with her AP. Like I said you only know the tip of this iceberg. Good job investigating.

Think long and hard before jumping into reconciliation with someone who has loved another for 3 long years. At least thatís what sheís admitted. Repeated affairs happen and you really donít know if this one has ended or not.

Iííd DNA the kids. Just because you really donít know.
Set up a polygraph for other affairs. Again you just donít know at this time.

I would inform my parents, siblings, etc for support. Itís not your job to help hide her actions.

I would add you donít need her permission to do anything. Take control of yourself now or she will.

Good luck. Youíre going to need it.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:40 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

Marz posted 5/28/2021 15:43 PM

Please download and read ďNo More Mr Nice GuyĒ by glover.

Itís a free pdf and short.

Buster123 posted 5/28/2021 16:32 PM

Brother I'm sorry that you are here, first things first:
1) Protect yourself financially. Go to the bank and take half of the 155,000 or half of whatever is in that account and put it in an account in your name only, tell her to give you a rough estimate of all the money she has spent with her boyfriend (doesn't matter if it's accurate or not) and deduct it from the joint account and put it in yours as well. Also get half of the money she has in her office. Based on what she told you, she has been preparing for D and was likely stashing away money so that it would not be part of the assets division.

2) Your WW is a proven serial cheater and liar, she's not a good candidate for R by a very long shot, in fact, she admitted she'd be ok either way, this is not a woman who's desperate to get another chance, your M has been a farce for a very long time, at this point you don't have much to work with, so file for D and have her served at work without warning for maximum impact, you can always stop the process before it's final, if she comes around, or NOT!.

3) You need to keep daily tabs of all bank accounts and credit cards.

4) I would certainly file a formal complaint with the state board on the massage therapist, yes for me some type of revenge is perfectly ok as long as you don't get in trouble with the laws, yes it was your WW's fault but he was a willing participant and Idaho doesn't need that type of people in the industry. If your WW pleads to you not to do it, then use it as a bargaining chip in the form of a "confidentiality agreement" during the division of assets, consult it with your attorney if that's the case.

5) Full exposure with ALL family and close friends without warning, FULL Exposure typically kills the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspects of the A, they went out on dates so this was way more than she claims to be. If there's a remote chance to R, full exposure with stakeholders (both sets of parents/relatives and close mutual friends) needs to be at the top of your list.

6) Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too) and yes do a paternity test, remember that knowledge is power and you are in the fight of your life, your WW is the enemy and your kids are in the crossfire.

Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation with proven methods that have stood the test of time, we've literally "seen" it play out THOUSANDS of times here and in other forums, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script.

Stinger posted 5/28/2021 16:47 PM

She is pretty detached. No emotional response to being busted. She is diverting assets, setting you up. Could be a sociopath. Any other areas where she demonstrates immorality, lack of integrity and lack of empathy? She is a cold one.

Marz posted 5/28/2021 16:51 PM

This is her issuing a demand for your best pick me" cha-cha. What that means is that she expects YOU to compete for the privilege of winning her grand self...

Excellent analogy of where sheís at. Better get strong and stay there.

Iíve been screwing another man behind your back and Iím ok with divorce.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:54 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

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