Gixxer1998 posted 4/21/2021 13:56 PM

Well I'm 2 months into this. I've noticed some serious changes in myself. Of course there's no self esteem, no confidence, always comparing myself to others. The scary changes I've experienced are slipping into dark depressions. I've always been pretty stable obviously I'd have moments of sadness but who doesn't life is hard no matter what. The depths of this new part of my life go way beyond anything I've ever felt. It scary sometimes the thoughts I have. I'm in ice well just starting but I'm in. I just find it fascinating how one person can have such an impact on you. I never thought that another human could fundamentally change who I was as a person. I've thought about this and it boggles my mind. Just figured I'd share some of my feelings to gain some perspective. Thanks for listening!

Stevesn posted 4/21/2021 14:09 PM

Are you in individual therapy? Recommend you see a trauma specialist.

How is your wife doing in IC?

What have you put together as a rebuilding plan? Need help in what to ask for?

Gixxer1998 posted 4/21/2021 14:14 PM

I start individual Friday she starts Thursday. As far as a plan I'm not sure it's still all very new to me.

rugswept posted 4/21/2021 14:35 PM

You're shell shocked. Big time trauma.
You're still at the very start of it and the emotional rollercoaster for you could be overpowering at times. You're still totally numb. Just wait until you just move from totally numb to everything else.

Please go very slowly. And stay here and read what is said. Take the best of what is said and do it when it sounds right.

Good on you. You're still willing to give your M the good old college try. Prepare yourself for every possible outcome.

Good luck.

ChamomileTea posted 4/21/2021 20:29 PM

I get what you're saying. It's a total shock how vulnerable we are emotionally with a spouse. And the trauma of intimate betrayal tends to break open all our earlier abandonment wounds, so that the pain is compounded by every hurt we've ever had before. I get it. I do.

But having fallen down that deep well of depression and then spending about two years climbing back up... just don't. Don't put yourself through it. NOTHING you did, nothing you said, nothing about who you are, made your WW cheat. You are 100% innocent of that choice. She made it on her own with her own agency. And that choice is no indictment on you or on your value as a human being. In fact, with her duel diagnosis of bipolar and BPD, it was almost a certainty that she WOULD betray you at some point. That's the push-me, pull-you of borderline punctuated by the mania of bipolar. It would have been remarkable if she hadn't cheated, right?

What helps to break through this personality-changing nightmare is the full ACCEPTANCE that the cheating is on the cheater. It has nothing to do with us. We didn't cause it. We couldn't have changed it. And we can't fix it. This didn't happen to you because you had bad karma or bad luck or anything like that. God doesn't hate you. The universe isn't out to get you. It's just the chaotic nature of nature. We liked someone. They liked us. Then, they turn out to be bipolar BPDs or high-fuctioning sociopaths, or NPD's with OCD on the side, or, or, or.
It wasn't your fault. Accept it. Then, go from there deciding what you're going to do.

Try reading through a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I think it might help you to see how the brain reacts to this kind of trauma. I know it's geared toward those people whose relationships have ended, but don't let that put you off. It's a good book and it will help you understand where your feelings are coming from.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:31 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Westway posted 4/22/2021 09:16 AM

Yes you will never be the same. I am certainly not, even now close to a couple years out from my DDAY. And that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Maybe instead of mourning the part of you that was lost, look forward to the wiser and stronger person you are becoming. You are being put through the forge to remove the impurities and dross. Once you come out on the other side, and you will, you will be tougher and more resilient than ever.

Unhinged posted 4/22/2021 10:18 AM

Gixxer, I could have easily written the same things two months after d-day (and probably did).

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock. For me, it took about ten months before the shock finally wore off. At that point, I started to feel a little of my old self returning.

I know how hard it is to put yourself back together again. We all do. It takes a bit of work, consciously making choices for yourself, focusing on you and your recovery.

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is also severe emotional and psychological trauma. Healing takes years, and, as with recovery, a bit of work. I think one of the things that really helped me to recover was understanding just how hard infidelity hits everyone else. I wasn't alone.

What helped the most, of course, was finding SI and it's wonderful members.

Give yourself time to recover. What you're going through (shock and trauma) is perfectly normal. I didn't choose my username name to be funny or cute; I honestly felt completely unhinged.

In the end, I think you'll find that the changes we go through end up making us stronger. You know... that which does not kill us only makes us Conan.

Keep on reading and posting Gixxer.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:19 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

Gixxer1998 posted 4/22/2021 11:23 AM

I think that's one of the maddening parts of it all is I'm fully aware that she could have done things differently and I am not to blame,but sometimes it just feels like words ya know? And yes learning from the doctors about the bi polar and bpd was to say the least a hard thing to understand...still is... That coupled with a nightmare childhood (which I was aware of) and the alcohol abuse I guess I always kinda knew SOMETHING maybe not this was going to happen.
It's so strange a lot of my day is spent being pissed off and disgusted by her to her core but then there are times when she will open up (which is a feat that in its own). Whether it be after a long talk, an argument, or with the therapist and she finally breaks down and stops trying to bury all her feelings and I see...I guess the REAL person and not some walled off robot. Those are the times I feel closer to her than ever before. Those are the moments that make me think "well maybe?". It's just such a crazy situation to be in and then having to brush it off and go play don't break the ice with the kids is rough. First IC it's Friday and we'll see what comes of it. I do however want to express my deepest thanks to all of you. Really happy I found this site.

thatbpguy posted 4/22/2021 15:14 PM

Gixxer1998, until my XWW ran off with a friend, I never had a moment of depression in my life. Now it's a constant in my life. And is sucks. But betrayal is the gift that just keeps giving. The good news is that you're surrounded by friends.

Westway posted 4/23/2021 10:44 AM

Gixxer1998 by "BPD" do you mean she has borderline personality disorder or bi-polar disorder?

[This message edited by Westway at 10:44 AM, April 23rd (Friday)]

Gixxer1998 posted 4/24/2021 07:31 AM

Diagnosed with both...