I know this is long, but please read. I really don’t know what details are or aren’t important at this point.
BACKSTORY
My husband and I have been married almost 4 years, and together for 13 years. I’ve been with him since I was 19 years old. We’ve had a good relationship. We’ve certainly experienced some bumpy roads and trying times, but we made it through. And I thought we were committed to each other for the long haul, so I counted it all joy. But this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.
My husband has had a growing alcohol problem for many years, and like most problems of this nature, it has only gotten worse. He is a chef, so he’s around alcohol all day, and drinks from about noon until whenever he comes home most days. This has had a tremendous effect on our sex life, which I have brought up many times. But he’s very uncommunicative on this issue, and resistant to outside help. He had an emotional breakdown a little over a year ago, a depressive episode that stems from some childhood traumas. We were finally planning to have him see someone, but COVID hit the world.
LEADING UP TO D-DAY
DH got COVID-19 around the end of March. I tested negative for it twice, so we had to quarantine separately. He went right back to work after his 10 days were up. But my birthday was only a few days later and we decided to hang out and run around like kids. We skipped through the park and the botanical gardens laughing and sightseeing, and had a nice early dinner at one of our favorite outdoor spots. We had a great time, typical for us when he’s home and sober. We planned to take our next vacation to PR in August, and were talking about opening a business we’ve been discussing together soon. At the end of our night, DH proclaimed how much he loves our outings like these, and how we have the best time together! I agreed.
APRIL 6TH
Two days later, on 4/6, he didn’t come home until almost 5 am. I woke up around 4am and panicked because he wasn’t home. He stays out late many nights, but 3am is about the max, unless he’s already let me know. He’d just gotten through a case of Covid, maybe something bad had happened? I started calling and texting him multiple times, and contemplating what else I should do. Call the police, hospitals, etc. That may have been an overreaction, but I get anxious when he does this. Finally he calls me back at almost 5am, saying that his phone had just been on silent, and he was just out drinking and smoking a bit of weed with his friends (DH is 38, mostly all his friends are 20 somethings). He comes in and is telling me “hey babe”, like he’s done nothing wrong. I tell him no, this isn’t cool and we’ve already been through this. Let me know when you’re going to be out that late, so I know you aren’t lying somewhere in a ditch. He tells me he’s a grown man. I tell him that being grown doesn’t mean he gets to be as disrespectful and inconsiderate as he wants. Especially not to his wife. I also tell him that he’s acting and behaving like a teenage boy.
Because I’m upset, he decides to give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the week. We pretty much just says hi and bye, and we may talk about something necessary. Towards the end of the week he is starting to warm up. He tells me he got a haircut. I tell him that I’ve seen, and that he looks nice. The very next day, he’s heading to work and I ask when is his next off day, because I need help with something. He says he’s off tomorrow and we can do it then. He also lets me know that he is off on that current day, but is just going in to do some certification tests.
He didn’t come home at all that night. I sat up not being able to believe that he would do it again. I texted him around 4am asking where he was. He just replied: hanging out. He then ignored my calls and texts the rest of the night. While he was out I started going through everything of his that I had access to: his Facebook, Instagram, emails. The only thing I found looked innocent at first. It was a Facebook call and message from a waitress that works at his restaurant saying that she’s accidentally took something insignificant of his with her. What struck me was that she had called around 4:40am, and it was on April 6th. The night we had our fight. I took a screenshot and moved on, not giving it too much weight.
He slunk in all cavalier and hungover the next day around 11am. At that point I was crying shaking mad. I was yelling at him that he was really crossing the line. How dare he stay out, who knows where, all night. How dare he ignore my repeated attempts to reach him. He stops me and says that he was just too drunk and crashed at his male friend’s place, and I should just chill. No big deal. Then he goes on telling me that our relationship has been sour for a long time anyway. He brings up the lack of sex, which took me aback, because he’s the one usually avoiding to talk about it. I tell him point blank that our lack of sex is due to his inability to keep and hold an erection. Did you go to the doctor to get that figured out like you said you would? No. So is he telling me he can get hard, just not for me? He says he doesn’t know. I ask if he was out somewhere else having sex? He says no. So then I ask him then what does he want to do? You didn’t seem so unhappy last week when we were gleefully running through the park hand in hand. Now suddenly you’re miserable in this marriage. What does that mean? I asked if he wanted to break up, and he said he doesn’t know. The conversation continues with me trying to gain clarity, him saying he doesn’t know, and doesn’t want to hurt me. I tell him to give me his true feelings, and don’t worry about hurting me. He jumps up and says he just needs to talk to his dad.
He goes out to the back porch and talks to his dad for about 15 minutes. He comes in and sits on the bed next to me with his head in his hand. I asked what his dad says. He says the same thing you always say. That I’m depressed, I drink too much, and marriage has up and downs and takes work, we need counseling, etc. He sighs, and gives me the ILYBNILWY talk, which I replied to by telling him that my love for him isn’t the same everyday either. And that it’s normal in a marriage for the “in love” feelings to ebb and flow. So I’m not heartbroken by hearing him say that. He comes closer and tells me he just wants to hold me. He’s crying, I’m crying. He’s telling me I’m his best friend in the world, I’m the funniest person he knows. He never wants to see me hurt. I ask again what he wants to do. He said he just needs think. He’s still a little drunk and needs sleep, so he can think straight. We both fall asleep in each others arms, but at some point he woke up to use the bathroom and didn’t return. He went to finish sleeping on the couch.
Later that day, I’m really rattled and need to talk to someone. I called my sister and she kept suggesting that it sounds like cheating to her, but she didn’t want to put things into my head.
After that convo I went back in and he was texting. I asked who he was texting. He says just restaurant orders. And holds the screen up for me to look. I don’t really. I just ask, are you cheating? He said no. Ask again if he’s slept on the convo from earlier. He’s still saying he doesn’t know what he wants, he doesn’t want to make a mistake, he doesn’t want to hurt me, etc.
D-DAY
The next day we still haven’t come to any resolve. He goes off to work. I see on his Facebook messenger that he reached out to his cousin saying he just needs someone to talk to. I pray she gives him good advice.
He comes home that night in an even worse mood. Tells me he’s going to sleep on the couch. He’s yelling for our dog to get way. He’s just nasty. The dog and I get out of his way. I go lay down in bed, and I just quickly pray for some clarity.
That same night I wake up around 4:30am and I hear him talking. I think at first he may be talking to his dad. I get up to use the bathroom. I stop at the door. I hear whispering still. A woman’s name, and something about things being complicated. I walk into where he is laying and take the phone right out of his hand. I say hello, but only hear breathing and then the caller hangs up.
I run into the bedroom with his phone. The screen is already on their texts. My anxiety is so high I could barely see, plus I can hear him searching around for something to unlock the door with. I’m quickly scanning the texts and I see some things about wanting to be together, if their feelings are real, and then the one where she says they had sex. I’m raging at this point. He uses a screwdriver to get into the door, and as soon as he does, I start swinging. I’m punching, kicking, yelling at, choking him. I’ve lost all cool. And he’s just focused on getting the phone out of my hands. The battle over the phone seemed to go on forever. He ends up with it, and says he’ll break it before he lets me get it. I switch gears to trying to get answers from him. After briefly attempting to deny it, he admits to having sex with her on April 6th. The day all of this craziness started. He says he’s not leaving me FOR her, but because he’s been unhappy in the marriage a long time. I want to know exactly who she is. He refuses to tell me, but I already know. It’s the waitress who FB messaged him in the middle of the night. I can tell by his reaction that I’m right. He jumps up puts on some clothes and tries to leave. I block the front door, he runs out the back.
I text him the screenshot I took of her, and demand to know if she’s who he’s slept with. He says no, and I have no proof it’s her. I call her from his messenger. It’s after 5am. She answers and hangs up upon hearing my voice. I’m calling her repeatedly all while texting him. He’s telling me that he’s been a prisoner in the marriage. He didn’t want to get married, I forced him to. He’s been unhappy half the relationship. He’s tried leaving before and I went nuts. I asked when?? He cited two fights we had. One 13 years ago, where we broke up for a week. And one incident from about 8-9 years ago, where we had a fight and he packed a bag saying he was going to stay with his dad. He took a cab to the Amtrak station. An hour later he called me wanting to talk. I met him there, we talked, and he came home with me. On neither occasion did I go nuts. But that’s the evidence he has of me holding him hostage, while he tries to claw his way out of the relationship for nearly 14 years. I tell him he sounds crazy. And no one in their right mind is going to believe I’ve kept him trapped all these years, with no children, especially when they’ve seen him out binge drinking all night, doing whatever he wants. He says he doesn’t know what to say then. I say “just stop making excuses!”. He tells me that he was drunk and high when he cheated, and its not an excuse but what it is.
This conversation is happening at the same time I’m repeatedly call the girl on his Facebook. This woman knows he’s married. Everyone at his job does. I’ve met her. She’s smiled in my face. She’s hugged me. He tells me to stop calling a random girl on his Facebook page. He blocks her. I unblock her and continue calling. He deletes his FB page.
THE AFTERMATH
I’ve contacted his mom and dad to tell them. His dad wants to fly him home to detox with him. He’s convinced he’s just acting out his alcoholism and depression. His mom wants to kill him, and says he better not ever think he can bring her around. I’ve told my mom and sister, and they want me to run and not look back. They say he’s dead to them. I just think everyone is heartbroken and enormously disappointed.
So far he’s avoided everyone’s attempts to reach out. But last night I obtained her phone number from our phone records and his mom and I were calling her.
He texted me for us to please stop harassing her. That its not her fault, it’s his. I told him that it was both of their fault, so they were both going to catch all of the smoke. We got into a heated text exchange with him oscillating between blaming me ( I knew he was unhappy for years, etc) and talking of how pained, embarrassed, and ashamed he is for hurting and disrespecting me this way. But he continued trying to protect her, and get myself and his mom off of her case. This deeply hurts and offends me, and only makes me angrier.
MY THOUGHTS/FEELINGS
I feel like the words don’t even exist to describe the level of pain and torment I feel right now. I loved that man in every part of my being. I’m going in and out of being a puddle of tears, and then being laser focused on how I can enact revenge on them both. I told him last night that he’s only known the woman who loves him dearly. He doesn’t know the side of me that’s going to scorch the earth they both stand on.
I do feel at fault that I let some issues in our relationship go on too long. The lack of sex is a big one. I really just thought he was having an impotence issue, and since he didn’t want to talk about it. I was trying to tread lightly as not to emasculate him. But it was definitely on my list of things we needed to tackle. I just thought we had more time. I was sexually unsatisfied as well, but would never cheat.
I feel like I gave him too much rope to hang himself with. I knew he had always felt like marriage was a ball and chain. So I tried to give him the most freedom, to where he was out just running wild. And I let it be okay as long as he didn’t cross any lines. But it was never okay. He should have been at home in bed with me.
I cannot believe I am here. My husband isn’t a perfect man by any stretch, and I’m just as imperfect, but this is a level of pain and disrespect that I never thought one of us would ever inflict upon the other.
I know I have already done things I probably shouldn’t. But what do I actually do next?