Mustache posted 4/16/2021 14:19 PM

I know this is long, but please read. I really don’t know what details are or aren’t important at this point.

BACKSTORY

My husband and I have been married almost 4 years, and together for 13 years. I’ve been with him since I was 19 years old. We’ve had a good relationship. We’ve certainly experienced some bumpy roads and trying times, but we made it through. And I thought we were committed to each other for the long haul, so I counted it all joy. But this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.

My husband has had a growing alcohol problem for many years, and like most problems of this nature, it has only gotten worse. He is a chef, so he’s around alcohol all day, and drinks from about noon until whenever he comes home most days. This has had a tremendous effect on our sex life, which I have brought up many times. But he’s very uncommunicative on this issue, and resistant to outside help. He had an emotional breakdown a little over a year ago, a depressive episode that stems from some childhood traumas. We were finally planning to have him see someone, but COVID hit the world.

LEADING UP TO D-DAY

DH got COVID-19 around the end of March. I tested negative for it twice, so we had to quarantine separately. He went right back to work after his 10 days were up. But my birthday was only a few days later and we decided to hang out and run around like kids. We skipped through the park and the botanical gardens laughing and sightseeing, and had a nice early dinner at one of our favorite outdoor spots. We had a great time, typical for us when he’s home and sober. We planned to take our next vacation to PR in August, and were talking about opening a business we’ve been discussing together soon. At the end of our night, DH proclaimed how much he loves our outings like these, and how we have the best time together! I agreed.

APRIL 6TH

Two days later, on 4/6, he didn’t come home until almost 5 am. I woke up around 4am and panicked because he wasn’t home. He stays out late many nights, but 3am is about the max, unless he’s already let me know. He’d just gotten through a case of Covid, maybe something bad had happened? I started calling and texting him multiple times, and contemplating what else I should do. Call the police, hospitals, etc. That may have been an overreaction, but I get anxious when he does this. Finally he calls me back at almost 5am, saying that his phone had just been on silent, and he was just out drinking and smoking a bit of weed with his friends (DH is 38, mostly all his friends are 20 somethings). He comes in and is telling me “hey babe”, like he’s done nothing wrong. I tell him no, this isn’t cool and we’ve already been through this. Let me know when you’re going to be out that late, so I know you aren’t lying somewhere in a ditch. He tells me he’s a grown man. I tell him that being grown doesn’t mean he gets to be as disrespectful and inconsiderate as he wants. Especially not to his wife. I also tell him that he’s acting and behaving like a teenage boy.

Because I’m upset, he decides to give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the week. We pretty much just says hi and bye, and we may talk about something necessary. Towards the end of the week he is starting to warm up. He tells me he got a haircut. I tell him that I’ve seen, and that he looks nice. The very next day, he’s heading to work and I ask when is his next off day, because I need help with something. He says he’s off tomorrow and we can do it then. He also lets me know that he is off on that current day, but is just going in to do some certification tests.

He didn’t come home at all that night. I sat up not being able to believe that he would do it again. I texted him around 4am asking where he was. He just replied: hanging out. He then ignored my calls and texts the rest of the night. While he was out I started going through everything of his that I had access to: his Facebook, Instagram, emails. The only thing I found looked innocent at first. It was a Facebook call and message from a waitress that works at his restaurant saying that she’s accidentally took something insignificant of his with her. What struck me was that she had called around 4:40am, and it was on April 6th. The night we had our fight. I took a screenshot and moved on, not giving it too much weight.

He slunk in all cavalier and hungover the next day around 11am. At that point I was crying shaking mad. I was yelling at him that he was really crossing the line. How dare he stay out, who knows where, all night. How dare he ignore my repeated attempts to reach him. He stops me and says that he was just too drunk and crashed at his male friend’s place, and I should just chill. No big deal. Then he goes on telling me that our relationship has been sour for a long time anyway. He brings up the lack of sex, which took me aback, because he’s the one usually avoiding to talk about it. I tell him point blank that our lack of sex is due to his inability to keep and hold an erection. Did you go to the doctor to get that figured out like you said you would? No. So is he telling me he can get hard, just not for me? He says he doesn’t know. I ask if he was out somewhere else having sex? He says no. So then I ask him then what does he want to do? You didn’t seem so unhappy last week when we were gleefully running through the park hand in hand. Now suddenly you’re miserable in this marriage. What does that mean? I asked if he wanted to break up, and he said he doesn’t know. The conversation continues with me trying to gain clarity, him saying he doesn’t know, and doesn’t want to hurt me. I tell him to give me his true feelings, and don’t worry about hurting me. He jumps up and says he just needs to talk to his dad.

He goes out to the back porch and talks to his dad for about 15 minutes. He comes in and sits on the bed next to me with his head in his hand. I asked what his dad says. He says the same thing you always say. That I’m depressed, I drink too much, and marriage has up and downs and takes work, we need counseling, etc. He sighs, and gives me the ILYBNILWY talk, which I replied to by telling him that my love for him isn’t the same everyday either. And that it’s normal in a marriage for the “in love” feelings to ebb and flow. So I’m not heartbroken by hearing him say that. He comes closer and tells me he just wants to hold me. He’s crying, I’m crying. He’s telling me I’m his best friend in the world, I’m the funniest person he knows. He never wants to see me hurt. I ask again what he wants to do. He said he just needs think. He’s still a little drunk and needs sleep, so he can think straight. We both fall asleep in each others arms, but at some point he woke up to use the bathroom and didn’t return. He went to finish sleeping on the couch.

Later that day, I’m really rattled and need to talk to someone. I called my sister and she kept suggesting that it sounds like cheating to her, but she didn’t want to put things into my head.

After that convo I went back in and he was texting. I asked who he was texting. He says just restaurant orders. And holds the screen up for me to look. I don’t really. I just ask, are you cheating? He said no. Ask again if he’s slept on the convo from earlier. He’s still saying he doesn’t know what he wants, he doesn’t want to make a mistake, he doesn’t want to hurt me, etc.

D-DAY

The next day we still haven’t come to any resolve. He goes off to work. I see on his Facebook messenger that he reached out to his cousin saying he just needs someone to talk to. I pray she gives him good advice.

He comes home that night in an even worse mood. Tells me he’s going to sleep on the couch. He’s yelling for our dog to get way. He’s just nasty. The dog and I get out of his way. I go lay down in bed, and I just quickly pray for some clarity.

That same night I wake up around 4:30am and I hear him talking. I think at first he may be talking to his dad. I get up to use the bathroom. I stop at the door. I hear whispering still. A woman’s name, and something about things being complicated. I walk into where he is laying and take the phone right out of his hand. I say hello, but only hear breathing and then the caller hangs up.

I run into the bedroom with his phone. The screen is already on their texts. My anxiety is so high I could barely see, plus I can hear him searching around for something to unlock the door with. I’m quickly scanning the texts and I see some things about wanting to be together, if their feelings are real, and then the one where she says they had sex. I’m raging at this point. He uses a screwdriver to get into the door, and as soon as he does, I start swinging. I’m punching, kicking, yelling at, choking him. I’ve lost all cool. And he’s just focused on getting the phone out of my hands. The battle over the phone seemed to go on forever. He ends up with it, and says he’ll break it before he lets me get it. I switch gears to trying to get answers from him. After briefly attempting to deny it, he admits to having sex with her on April 6th. The day all of this craziness started. He says he’s not leaving me FOR her, but because he’s been unhappy in the marriage a long time. I want to know exactly who she is. He refuses to tell me, but I already know. It’s the waitress who FB messaged him in the middle of the night. I can tell by his reaction that I’m right. He jumps up puts on some clothes and tries to leave. I block the front door, he runs out the back.

I text him the screenshot I took of her, and demand to know if she’s who he’s slept with. He says no, and I have no proof it’s her. I call her from his messenger. It’s after 5am. She answers and hangs up upon hearing my voice. I’m calling her repeatedly all while texting him. He’s telling me that he’s been a prisoner in the marriage. He didn’t want to get married, I forced him to. He’s been unhappy half the relationship. He’s tried leaving before and I went nuts. I asked when?? He cited two fights we had. One 13 years ago, where we broke up for a week. And one incident from about 8-9 years ago, where we had a fight and he packed a bag saying he was going to stay with his dad. He took a cab to the Amtrak station. An hour later he called me wanting to talk. I met him there, we talked, and he came home with me. On neither occasion did I go nuts. But that’s the evidence he has of me holding him hostage, while he tries to claw his way out of the relationship for nearly 14 years. I tell him he sounds crazy. And no one in their right mind is going to believe I’ve kept him trapped all these years, with no children, especially when they’ve seen him out binge drinking all night, doing whatever he wants. He says he doesn’t know what to say then. I say “just stop making excuses!”. He tells me that he was drunk and high when he cheated, and its not an excuse but what it is.

This conversation is happening at the same time I’m repeatedly call the girl on his Facebook. This woman knows he’s married. Everyone at his job does. I’ve met her. She’s smiled in my face. She’s hugged me. He tells me to stop calling a random girl on his Facebook page. He blocks her. I unblock her and continue calling. He deletes his FB page.

THE AFTERMATH

I’ve contacted his mom and dad to tell them. His dad wants to fly him home to detox with him. He’s convinced he’s just acting out his alcoholism and depression. His mom wants to kill him, and says he better not ever think he can bring her around. I’ve told my mom and sister, and they want me to run and not look back. They say he’s dead to them. I just think everyone is heartbroken and enormously disappointed.

So far he’s avoided everyone’s attempts to reach out. But last night I obtained her phone number from our phone records and his mom and I were calling her.

He texted me for us to please stop harassing her. That its not her fault, it’s his. I told him that it was both of their fault, so they were both going to catch all of the smoke. We got into a heated text exchange with him oscillating between blaming me ( I knew he was unhappy for years, etc) and talking of how pained, embarrassed, and ashamed he is for hurting and disrespecting me this way. But he continued trying to protect her, and get myself and his mom off of her case. This deeply hurts and offends me, and only makes me angrier.

MY THOUGHTS/FEELINGS

I feel like the words don’t even exist to describe the level of pain and torment I feel right now. I loved that man in every part of my being. I’m going in and out of being a puddle of tears, and then being laser focused on how I can enact revenge on them both. I told him last night that he’s only known the woman who loves him dearly. He doesn’t know the side of me that’s going to scorch the earth they both stand on.

I do feel at fault that I let some issues in our relationship go on too long. The lack of sex is a big one. I really just thought he was having an impotence issue, and since he didn’t want to talk about it. I was trying to tread lightly as not to emasculate him. But it was definitely on my list of things we needed to tackle. I just thought we had more time. I was sexually unsatisfied as well, but would never cheat.

I feel like I gave him too much rope to hang himself with. I knew he had always felt like marriage was a ball and chain. So I tried to give him the most freedom, to where he was out just running wild. And I let it be okay as long as he didn’t cross any lines. But it was never okay. He should have been at home in bed with me.

I cannot believe I am here. My husband isn’t a perfect man by any stretch, and I’m just as imperfect, but this is a level of pain and disrespect that I never thought one of us would ever inflict upon the other.

I know I have already done things I probably shouldn’t. But what do I actually do next?

ArkLaMiss posted 4/16/2021 14:59 PM

Sweetie, you CANNOT save him, but you CAN save yourself. Do you want to deal with this immature man for the next 30 years? His alcoholism, drug use and abuse of you will NOT magically go away. You need to focus on YOURSELF. Get tested, see an attorney about your rights, throw his crap out and change the locks! Please don't think that any of this is your fault. Eat, drink and focus on you right now and go no contact with him. Hugs.

sisoon posted 4/16/2021 16:13 PM

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.

I, too, think that the infidelity is related to alcoholism, and you can never count on him to be faithful as long as he's drinking. The alcohol changes his brain and loosens inhibitions. The trouble is that he has to decide to change. Detoxing at home works only if he wants to detox and stay sober.

I recommend staying away from ow. She's not the problem - your H is. I expect that virtually of BSes had numerous chances to cheat. Hell, I was a road warrior for several years, and I could have easily cheated without my W knowing. BSes keep themselves from cheating. WSes don't, unless they change.

It's remotely possible that letting problems slide led to your H's infidelity. I don't think it's likely, though. I think you might have brought matters to a head faster, but that's not necessarily so. Your H might have brought his blame-shifting forward in time, but the effect might still have been devastating.

A person won't change until the person is ready to change. I hope your H is ready. We have a couple of long-time members who post rarely but come back every year to announce another year of sobriety.

But your H cheated for his own reasons, probably to avoid his own issues. He didn't cheat because of issues with you or your M. You didn't cause him to cheat.

*****

The pain IS excruciating - to find out that the love one gave didn't save your WS form themself just plain hurts. To find out that you've been betrayed by the one you love brings tremendous anger, grief, fear, and shame with it.

But human beings know how to heal. You're not alone. You're not crazy. You can heal. Have some faith in yourself.

IMO, the quickest way to heal, unfortunately, is to feel the pain, because feeling it lets it go.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:18 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

Mustache posted 4/16/2021 16:24 PM

I know it really sounds terrible, but I thought we had a good relationship, despite the many negative things that I overlooked/allowed. I was mostly happy, sometimes very happy with him. But maybe my standards were too low. I just don’t know anymore... I don’t know how to let go.

He sent me this text, and although he seems to be finally taking full responsibility, It’s really pissing me off:

“Your right. And I do feel like absolutely like shit about it. I never meant to hurt you and disrespect our marriage. It was a mistake that will always haunt me for the rest of my life. I only wanted to do good things for you. I only wanted the best for you and I didn’t deliver instead I’ve hurt you and broke your heart in pieces. I worry for you now and will continue to worry for you in the future. You will always be in mind. Our good days will remain deep in my heart and soul. Your sweet laughter, your caring touch, your strong will, I will miss it all. I blamed you for my unhappiness when really the blame was all mine. I ruined this marriage I ruined my life and I ruined yours and I can’t apologize enough to make that pain and hurt and betrayal go away. The only thing we can do from here is move forward with our lives and find our own individual happiness. I know it’s hard to believe and I don’t expect you to believe me when I say that I still do care for you and I still do love you. Please take care of yourself. I will be here to help you in anyway I can for you to move past this and restart your life. Find happiness without me. Find a life without me. You will do it and before you know, I will be gone from your mind.”

He's a cheater and a life coach now too, all of a sudden. I'm so MAD!!!

[This message edited by Mustache at 4:45 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

Mustache posted 4/16/2021 16:50 PM

The pain IS excruciating - to find out that the love one gave didn't save your WS form themself just plain hurts.

Yes. This. I felt like if I just kept loving us as hard as I could, we could make it. It hurts so much.

Jambomo posted 4/16/2021 16:51 PM

My WW ExBF was the same as yours. We were together 14 years and then the drinking got worse and he’d stay out till 3 or 4am, I’d never know if he was ok, where he was, what he was doing etc. He ended up having an affair as well.

What I found helped the most after D-Day 2 was leaving and being in No Contact with him. No more worrying about where he was, what he was doing - you don’t appreciate whilst it’s happening how hard it is mentally, living with someone like that. Living alone has really brought me peace in my mind, not that I don’t still worry or care, just he isn’t my problem now and I am glad of that. I look back and can’t believe I put up with it.

So for now, focus on you. Eat well, drink lots of water, get some exercise. Go and see a lawyer to find out what your rights are if you divorce. If you can avoid living with him and having contact with him, even for a few months then do so, get some headspace, though check with a lawyer first what the laws are around these things (I.e abandonment/leaving the home etc).

Finally, his cheating is 100% his fault. Whatever the problems in the marriage, they should be worked on as a partnership, if he wasn’t happy and nothing works then he could have suggested divorce. Cheating has never helped or fixed any relationship and it’s 100% on him that he’s has done this. I don’t think yet that he is giving you anything to work with in terms of reconciliation.

Jambomo posted 4/16/2021 16:56 PM

He's a cheater and a life coach now too, all of a sudden. I'm so MAD!!!

Yep, I got the same and it made me mad as well. He wanted so much good things for me as long as it didn’t involve him being anywhere near me? I told him where to ram his good wishes and hopes for me. That I’d decide.

The best revenge is to do exactly that though, these guys often think they want this and then when the reality of us moving on hits, they find they don’t really like it as much as they thought the would but by then, we don’t care anymore.

I would add, the sad part here is that you can’t go back. That’s what made me the saddest but also what kept me moving on. The person he was, that you loved, is gone. Worse, he can’t come back again, because the trust, the belief, the shared life is bust. Someone once told me that a relationship is like a mirror, once it smashes, you can glue the prices back together but it’ll never be the same again. Limbo isn’t much fun, so however hard it is, moving on is the only way.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 5:01 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

annanew posted 4/16/2021 17:18 PM

Stop chasing him, stop contacting him, stop responding.

He thinks you are going to sit around crying over him. Turn the tables. Take your power back.

You'd be surprised how many cheaters try to make it seem like they are miserable over how they ruined everything and hurt their BS. Meanwhile they are giving quite a different story to their affair partner.

Mustache posted 4/16/2021 17:20 PM

"I recommend staying away from ow. She's not the problem - your H is. I expect that virtually of BSes had numerous chances to cheat. Hell, I was a road warrior for several years, and I could have easily cheated without my W knowing. BSes keep themselves from cheating. WSes don't, unless they change."

I know I shouldn't focus on the other woman. I just can't stop thinking about where they are trying to go with their disgusting relationship. They shouldn't get to be somewhere building new love. Everyone should know about them. I've blocked her number on his phone account, and I know they are both too stupid to figure out why he isn't getting her calls and texts.

I also feel a bit curious to watch the relationship crash and burn. She stole my shitty, 5'3", alcoholic, mildly impotent husband... I want him because we have history, roots, and family together. She only wants him because she thinks being the executive chef means he has money. She's mistaken, and will be gone before midsummer.

My H has also never really had to take care of life. He's only just gone to work. Everything else managing the household, bills, finances, credit scores..Just anything to do with managing life, he's never done. It's going to be like learning to adult for the first time.

[This message edited by Mustache at 5:21 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

This0is0Fine posted 4/16/2021 17:32 PM

Sorry you're here. I know how much this sucks and hurts. Cheaters suck. They lie and lie and lie some more. They rewrite relationship history. They blameshift. They minimize.

I don't know if you are looking for advice on R or D. I know it's not always useful to get this kind of advice early on. I can tell you that D seems like the better option in your case from my point of view.

Yes, he is doing relationship history rewriting, but the reality is you have already had loose boundaries with him that he thought were too tight. Those are going to have to increase exponentially for you to ever feel safe with him again, and I don't think he's cut out for leading a responsible life with you based on what you have told us.

I can only imagine the victim blaming your H will get start in on if you give him the opportunity for R. The complaints of how "unfair" it is that you need to know his whereabouts and be able to verify it.

I think he almost gets what a piece of shit he is, and he is right in that text message to you. This is his fault. You don't deserve it. He doesn't deserve forgiveness, and long term you are likely better off without him.

Mustache posted 4/16/2021 17:44 PM

I would add, the sad part here is that you can’t go back. That’s what made me the saddest but also what kept me moving on. The person he was, that you loved, is gone. Worse, he can’t come back again, because the trust, the belief, the shared life is bust. Someone once told me that a relationship is like a mirror, once it smashes, you can glue the prices back together but it’ll never be the same again. Limbo isn’t much fun, so however hard it is, moving on is the only way.

You know... It's like, I know this isn't going to be good for him. And I'm trying to give him every last opportunity to save himself. And he won't take it. It even makes me sad to think about how sad he'll be if he wanted to reconcile in the future, and I've already moved on.

ArkLaMiss posted 4/16/2021 17:47 PM

Well, start closing ALL joint accounts and credit cards. Change all the utilities to YOUR name only. Change anything you can so you aren't liable for any debt he racks up in your name. Open your own checking account and redirect your paycheck to it. Start separating your Bill's from him and STOP paying his for him. If he wants to separate, then he gets EVERYTHING to be separate! Then, you file because you can't make some of these changes after you file. Also, take half the cash out of the joint accounts and put in your own account. Protect yourself NOW.

Mustache posted 4/16/2021 17:52 PM

Stop chasing him, stop contacting him, stop responding.
He thinks you are going to sit around crying over him. Turn the tables. Take your power back.

This seems to be the consensus here, so far. No contact. It feels like the scariest option to me, but I'm willing to do what I have to do.

You'd be surprised how many cheaters try to make it seem like they are miserable over how they ruined everything and hurt their BS. Meanwhile they are giving quite a different story to their affair partner.

His latest messages to me have seemed very BS-y. He's trying to keep me calm now, because he says I've been going psycho.

Jambomo posted 4/16/2021 18:08 PM

You know... It's like, I know this isn't going to be good for him. And I'm trying to give him every last opportunity to save himself. And he won't take it. It even makes me sad to think about how sad he'll be if he wanted to reconcile in the future, and I've already moved on.

I know, I feel the same, even now - a year and a bit later. You’ll come to terms with the fact that you can’t save him, because he doesn’t want to be saved, this is - rightly or wrongly - how he is choosing to go and I doubt he’ll listen to anyone who suggests he shouldn’t do this. I

mentally said to myself, “his sisters will take care of him” and you can ask your in-laws (even for your sake) to make sure he is ok and safe from harm. That helped me mentally move on to looking after me and not worrying about him.

His latest messages to me have seemed very BS-y. He's trying to keep me calm now, because he says I've been going psycho

This is a good reason for NC right now, he is not going to say anything to you that you will agree with, it will in fact be more blame shifting or patronising bullshit about how he feels. None of these things are necessarily true and neither will help you recover at all.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 6:11 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

Mustache posted 4/16/2021 18:22 PM

Yes, he is doing relationship history rewriting, but the reality is you have already had loose boundaries with him that he thought were too tight. Those are going to have to increase exponentially for you to ever feel safe with him again, and I don't think he's cut out for leading a responsible life with you based on what you have told us.

I can only imagine the victim blaming your H will get start in on if you give him the opportunity for R. The complaints of how "unfair" it is that you need to know his whereabouts and be able to verify it.

I've thought about this too. If we were to R, he'd have way less freedom. I'm already too restrictive somehow, though he's never home. On average, he leaves for work at around noon. Gets off around 11pm, but parties til about 2:30-3:30AM. 4-5 nights per week. We usually spend one of his off days together, which I act like a happy puppy about. The other day, I let him sleep or catch up on his video gaming...

I'm bawling now as I type this. Because it sounds so crazy. I'm sad for me that I'm missing something that allowed me to live like this for so long. I didn't even realize it.

Mustache posted 4/16/2021 18:32 PM

Well, start closing ALL joint accounts and credit cards. Change all the utilities to YOUR name only. Change anything you can so you aren't liable for any debt he racks up in your name. Open your own checking account and redirect your paycheck to it. Start separating your Bill's from him and STOP paying his for him. If he wants to separate, then he gets EVERYTHING to be separate! Then, you file because you can't make some of these changes after you file. Also, take half the cash out of the joint accounts and put in your own account. Protect yourself NOW.

Will do. I have already started doing this. I've taken the money from our joint bank accounts.

Mustache posted 4/16/2021 18:38 PM

I'm glad I decided to post here, because I'd already picked out the picture of the OW that was going to litter the streets outside her job.

Anna123 posted 4/16/2021 19:36 PM

Will do. I have already started doing this. I've taken the money from our joint bank accounts.

Just in case you aren't already on it, you can pay off any credit cards that are in his name with you as a user, and call them to remove yourself. Any cards that are in your name with him as a user, you can just remove him and cancel his card.

BTW, your cheater sounds an awful lot like mine, except I had 26 years of him being out late because of 'work' drinking. I had a few rounds of calling his friends, hospitals, police etc. when he had been SO sincere the days before that he would never do that to me again ---- The watching for car lights to come home, listening for the door. It sucks and you will now be free of it!

I promise you will be fine after you get through this shock emotionally and logistically. Meanwhile, expect a roller coaster, take care of yourself, drink lots of water, sleep, and if you can't sleep, rest. Sending prayers you way-----

reeling24 posted 4/16/2021 20:53 PM

Hi Mustache,

I am so sorry you are here. I, too, am married to a chef who is an alcoholic cheater with a past impotency problem. His drinking caused him to lose multiple jobs and almost his life. He got sober when it put him in the ER for internal bleeding.

My husband would stay out drinking while I was home with our son. Hell, I remember being heavily pregnant sitting in a freezing car in the middle of the night waiting on him to close the line up so I could take him home. Yep, he was drinking with his friend, no care about me!

Chefs, and no offense to any that are on here, from my experience being in the industry have ego problems. Depending on how successful he is the Chef groupies come out. That’s always fun! If he’s not successful then there’s bitterness and blame shifting on why they aren’t where they think they should be at that stage of their career. Add drinking on top of it and it’s not their fault, it’s ours and of course they can’t take responsibility and now realize they’ve not been happy for sometime.

I am not sure if your husband wants to get sober? His dad can do an intervention but being in the environment he’s working in will make it very hard to do so. My husband was able to continue working in a restaurant only because the fear of God has been put into him that he could die if he drinks again.. The owner of his restaurant knows his drinking problems, his cheating on me, and he works a shift in the early morning where there’s no chance of the gang getting together after work.

Everyone urging you to go no contact are correct. He’s got so much work to do on himself and from what you wrote he isn’t anywhere ready to face his whys on the drinking and the whys to let himself break his vows. I feel like you could be my younger self from your story. Please put yourself first and know that you deserve so much more.

Reeling24

Bonetired posted 4/17/2021 14:23 PM

If you were anything like me your feelings have to be torn.One part of you knows what you need to do the other wants this to all be just a bad nightmare and he'll wake up and realize what he's done.I am so sorry dear one.I know you still love him.This is going to be a roller coaster for you for awhile.Definitely go no contact for now if you can.Enlist the help of what ever support group(family,friends)to help you through this time.Don't let him attempt to help you he will only damage you more and going through a divorce requires you to minimize the damage.My now ex sold a lot of the big ticket items I bought for our house.Gave me half the money then tried to claim he gave me financial support prior to the divorce Being completed.It's a dirty game and he in true form will be looking out for his best interest.Another thing I don't know if you have thought of this but could there have been more than one AP throughout the years?You just caught this one but it doesn't mean he hasn't had other affairs.Read up on some of the materials in the library.He is blame shifting right now to continue to minimize his responsibility for what he has done.There is a lot of good advice when it comes to this and will help you recognize the psychological bullshit cheaters do to put it on you.Being alone for me only magnified the pain and it was epic.If your resolve breaks tell your family or friends to distract you or tie your hands behind your back whatever until that feeling subsides.Go be with your parents,family or friends if you can.My now WXH back before any of this happened was my best friend.We were expecting our girl and I thought things were going to be o.k.Then out of the blue he changed.He went into this fog and I couldn't snap him out of it.He became so hateful and unrecognizable to me.Same as in your situation he would drink heavily and do drugs.He would dissappear for days on end.When I would get upset he would call me crazy.They have to see you as a bad person somehow to justify what they did.It's very normal and healthy for you to be upset and get angry.If you were withdrawn that would be an unhealthy response to a situation where your loved one just dissapeared.However just like mine did he painted me as being unhinged and I am sure he suffered so much poor guy.I am about the calmest person any one has seen.The lies will keep coming so just hold that head of yours up.When he goes low ,you go high..My ex was having an affair with a mutual friend.They are now married but don't let that get you down.Karma is a bitch and has a nose for trouble.You can run,hide but she will sniff him out.Another thing is he can't run from himself.Eventually everything he is doing is going to catch up.You need a man not a boy Your husband is a boy that you have been taking care of for some time.When(and I am sure will if you choose to) finally find a man you will see the tremendous difference in how the man and the man child behave.I am remarried to a man.My XWH is a man child.His now wife complains about that all the time.The one he left me for.She has to be responsible for everything and make sure the bills are paid.She keeps track of everything and you know what.She is exhausted.Men who are still children will drain you.They are like tiny little vampires sucking the life out of you.My husband and I are financially responsible and have covered some pretty expensive costs for my daughter.( Braces,band instruments,therapy etc..)while my X and his current wife are scrambling to make ends meet.I know you don't know this right now but a real man won't put you through that.My thoughts are with you and I hope you keep us updated on how you are doing.(((Mustache))).

[This message edited by Bonetired at 2:29 PM, April 17th (Saturday)]