SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Our waywards go through many phases and in the beginning of our reconciliation, the hardest part was watching my husband mourn the loss of the affair. In his case, he loved the AP with all of his heart. As time has gone by, he seems totally committed to our marriage and certainly appears to have our best interest at heart. However, I'm not the same person that I was when I agreed to reconcile. A betrayed can only take so much and I'm hoping for your sake that you reach this point. You can love them, probably even should love them, but love yourself more!!! Arrange your life so that you will be OK with or without her. Her depression, if it is physical, can be treated and she knows that the treatment is there for her. You can't make her put you or the children first.

I'm writing to add that it's important for both BS and WS to take responsibility for themselves. By not defining requirements, you are dodging your responsibility and allowing your W to dodge hers.

That's where the detriment to you, your W, and the people who model themselves n you comes from.

JMO, of course.

How are you doing teisen?

now that her recent APs have moved on and may be out of her life what are the chances that the WW will turn back to good old Teisen as a safe harbor until she finds another AP.

I don't think she can break the cycle of her life, and Teisen will be there picking up the pieces until HE decides for real that he cannot do it anymore.

As the kids grow up they may look at dad's unconditional support of mom as a weakness not as compassionate. They will learn that mom has issues but only does what she wants.

Hi everyone, thanks for checking back in on me. Life is so busy I sometimes find it hard to get to my computer but I do look at this thread on my phone so I've been reading as you post.

I'm reasonably pleased by my WW's response in the last two weeks since my initial post. She's gone to the psychiatrist four times and is intensively trying to get to the root of her issues. She described it as our MC and her IC were like college and she's moving on to graduate school as she tries to tackle her issues.

She's unhappy with her life. There's no question about that. We've been delving into the idea that she's in a terrible mid-life crisis. She started suffering from depression and abandonment issues as early as 4th grade and has just practiced avoidance and distraction up until now. That's what she's trying to change.

As for rules, I have been very clear with boundaries and rules, she just hasn't respected them and I've really struggled with making her actions have significant consequences. That's my problem and there's an argument to be made that I'm a bit of a doormat because of it. I see that. But I still have feelings for her, we have a good life and three young kids and I'm just not ready to up-end all of our lives.

Among the hardest parts for me has been that I don't lean much on my family and my parents have only an inkling of what's going on and mostly just that the marriage is not well. They're in our lives a lot and have put pressure on me to stay in the marriage with little knowledge of the situation. My WW's family knows almost all the details and they think she should stay in the marriage too. It's a lot of pressure.

Hey there T - I am late to the party on this one, but have skimmed a lot of this thread in the last couple weeks.

I'm reasonably pleased by my WW's response in the last two weeks since my initial post. She's gone to the psychiatrist four times and is intensively trying to get to the root of her issues. She described it as our MC and her IC were like college and she's moving on to graduate school as she tries to tackle her issues.

This is good. Mostly for your ww. Whether the M survives this or not, I would hope for her sake that she gets and stays focused on tackling her depression and the associated stuff seriously.

She's unhappy with her life. There's no question about that. We've been delving into the idea that she's in a terrible mid-life crisis. She started suffering from depression and abandonment issues as early as 4th grade and has just practiced avoidance and distraction up until now. That's what she's trying to change.

I think the key take-away in this is that SHE is unhappy with HER life. Mine was too.

I am a very caring, empathetic, and nurturing person - it is just in my make-up as a human. But I got to the point with mine that I had to recognize that there was not one thing I could do to make him be happy in himself. And all I was doing was running myself into the ground trying. It was really a hard realization for me to come to because it it felt almost.. mean? for me to stop 'trying'. But the truth of it was for me - he was never gonna be happy. It was never going to be 'enough'. And I can have empathy and compassion for that while at the same time removing myself from it. You know the ol airplane rules - I had to put on my own mask first.

As for rules, I have been very clear with boundaries and rules, she just hasn't respected them and I've really struggled with making her actions have significant consequences.

I know this was true for me, but unfortunately for a recalcitrant ws, the only 'real' consequence is separation or divorce. Just my 0.02.

That's my problem and there's an argument to be made that I'm a bit of a doormat because of it. I see that. But I still have feelings for her, we have a good life and three young kids and I'm just not ready to up-end all of our lives.

I wouldn't say doormat. Look, being a BS is REALLY FUCKING HARD. There is no manual for it and it changes SO much of your life. It takes time to really figure out a path forward. And absolutely when you have small kids around, that changes the dynamics a lot and makes S/D a way tougher choice either way. And of course you still care about her. I cared about mine right up the bitter end too, as much as I wished I could just flip a switch and not care anymore.

Among the hardest parts for me has been that I don't lean much on my family and my parents have only an inkling of what's going on and mostly just that the marriage is not well. They're in our lives a lot and have put pressure on me to stay in the marriage with little knowledge of the situation. My WW's family knows almost all the details and they think she should stay in the marriage too. It's a lot of pressure.

I know this is easier said than done, but no one else but YOU has to live YOUR life. You get to decide whether you stay or go, no one else. I hope you at least have friends that can support you in this. I had 2 that I leaned on so hard after dday. And I wouldn't have made it to the other side without them. My family too, but I didn't tell them for a long time after dday. On that... I didn't tell my fam because I was trying to work things out and I didn't want extra complications during that time. But once I did decide to tell them, I told them EVERYTHING. It felt personally disingenuous to me to be keeping his secrets about it.

So more updates. A good amount of my WW's depressive melt-down was driven by learning that her first AP was getting married and moving out of state. Apparently this coupled with the other AP "moving on" sent her into a spiral because she no longer had these safety blanket/fantasies.

I begin to think that those of you who believe the worst are correct. We had a big fight over the weekend, I think my WW doesn't realize the gravity of what she's done, continues to blame-shift in many ways, and would rather just move on from me. She just can't pull the trigger. She talks about space or separation but specifically says she doesn't want to divorce. She's even said she'll commit to working through the marriage once she's spent some time working on herself with the intensive IC she's been in (twice a week now for three weeks).

I'm really struggling again today as I have every day since Friday because I feel alone. I feel unloved. I feel unappreciated. I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but I can't keep living like this.

I don't want to break up my family but I can't keep living like this.

Then don't. Stop killing yourself trying to save something that you can't save. You didn't break up your family, she did by her actions. You're just the one left doing the dirty work of clearing up the debris because she's too selfish to do the right thing.

I'm really struggling again today as I have every day since Friday because I feel alone. I feel unloved. I feel unappreciated. I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but I can't keep living like this.

Remember - you can't keep this marriage together by yourself. S/D has been on the table from your WW's side for a long time now. If she gets her space and time away, she may not come back. What good would it do to keep suffering and end up D in the not-so-distant future anyways?

Don't stop her from leaving. Instead work out a plan. Where is she going? How will you split custody? What do finances look like? This separation can be good FOR YOU. It can kick start some detachment that you need in order to do your own healing. If she back peddles like she normally does, ask that she stick to the plan this time. Remind her of the reasons why she wanted it in the first place and ask if that has changed. If she's going to keep threatening S/D, hold her accountable when she decides to go back into limbo. Limbo isn't good for anyone right now.

If you do the above and she comes back from weeks/months of IC ready for R, you can R. And if she comes back still full of entitlement and grieving her APs, you'll be in a better place to make decisions for yourself.

So more updates. A good amount of my WW's depressive melt-down was driven by learning that her first AP was getting married and moving out of state. Apparently this coupled with the other AP "moving on" sent her into a spiral because she no longer had these safety blanket/fantasies.

She is still in wayward self-pity mode.

I think my WW doesn't realize the gravity of what she's done, continues to blame-shift in many ways, and would rather just move on from me. She just can't pull the trigger. She talks about space or separation but specifically says she doesn't want to divorce. She's even said she'll commit to working through the marriage once she's spent some time working on herself with the intensive IC she's been in (twice a week now for three weeks).

Still self-pity mode. Everything she does is for herself, not for you nor the family. She doesn't want divorce, because her preferred partners have left her for greener pastures. You are the 'oh well, guess I will have to grin and bear it' choice.

Until she make YOU the one and only choice, you will never reach any form of R or M.

I'm really struggling again today as I have every day since Friday because I feel alone. I feel unloved. I feel unappreciated. I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but I can't keep living like this.

So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to start taking charge of your life, or keep letting your WS control it?

You seem to be falling into some depression of your own, and if you do not arrest this, your kids will suffer by having two depressed parents, and you will be doing them a disservice if you don't get out of this funk.