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I Never Imagined My Wife Would..

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westofboston posted 4/14/2021 07:46 AM

Background:

Both Now 64
My wife and I began dating as teenagers and we married at 21 in 1977
Both retired
Wifeís Affair - 2004-2009 ( started when we were 47 years old )
D-day - March, 2021
I began IC two weeks ago ( I was/am shattered, difficulty sleeping, lingering thoughts, confusion and, yes, anger )

D-day for me occurred last month when I found a very sexually explicit poem and other emails that my wife wrote to her boss in 2005. It confirmed a suspicion I had for years, but every time I confronted my wife, she denied everything. Now with undeniable proof, I confronted my wife and she confessed to having a five year affair with her boss, a MM.

I canít comprehend my wife having a multi year affair - especially during the exact same time when I was going through some serious health issues ( 3 surgeries ).

I canít comprehend during those five years she had both a physical and emotional affair with another man and likely looked more forward to going to work than coming home to share a bed with me.

I canít comprehend I did not know about the affair. I just canít!

I canít comprehend......so fíing much!

As I told my wife, had I learned of the affair during those 5 years, I would have filed for divorce. I would have been in my late 40s and would have moved on. At 64, however, Ďmoving oní seems so much harder and even scarier.

When asked if she was in Ďloveí with him, her response was ďI thought I was in love with him, but I wasnítĒ ( a response I donít think I can ever believe ). My true belief is if you Ďthinkí you were in love with a man you were having sex with for five years, then you were in love with him! Period! Be fíing honest with me! I wonít ask her to be honest with herself because in my heart, I believe she knows the truth. The affair ended in 2009 and it ended only because he retired.

Itís been just over a month since I learned of the affair, but my wife now tells me she refuses to discuss the affair any longer because it happened long ago and itís too emotionally difficult for her to discuss. WTF! Just like 2004-2009, itís apparently all about her needs and wants!

I want my marriage to work. Iím just not sure if Ďwantingí will be enough, though. I canít imagine growing older feeling the way Iíve been feeling over the past month. I just donít know how to deal with the depth of her lies, betrayal and deceit. At 64, Iím now at a place I never thought imaginable and a future that seems so uncertain. Hopefully, the IC sessions will help. Sorry for the long rant!

Butforthegrace posted 4/14/2021 08:22 AM

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.

First, your feelings at present are 100% normal. It's often called the roller coaster. You'll vacillate wildly between anger, despair, hate, love, pain, and even moments of peace. I'd suggest that you spend time browsing The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of page). Among other things, look for information on The 180. This is not a tool to punish your WW, nor is it a gambit to get her to act any particular way. Rather, it is a method to create psychological space for yourself, because your main task is to find your heart's truth. This will take time, and many can't find it without implementing the 180.

Just finding out changes your entire life's paradigm. It's like peeling a mask off of your wife and seeing her for the person she really is for the first time. A person who will come home, look you in the eye and lie to you directly, while creating a cocoon of intimacy and love with another man.

The main question you need to answer for yourself is, knowing what you now know about your WW's true character, is she really the kind of person you wish to be married to?

Finding out years later adds its own layer to the shit sandwich your WW has been feeding you. There is the sense of surrealism, as if the last 11-18 years have been a false reality, like The Truman Show or the "upside down" in that science fiction series.

There is the sense of unfairness. As you said, had you known at the time, you would have divorced her. She took your agency from you by lying, tricking you into remaining married to a cheater.

Another unfairness is the sense that she has no consequences. She arrogated to herself the right to decide that her half of the marriage would be a secret one-sided open marriage. She had her fling, her limerent sex, her thrills, while you were being a good engine, bringing home your paycheck, being a husband, even while undergoing a series of major health setbacks. Don't you want that for yourself?

My observation about the "found out years later" scenarios is that, often, the quality of the marriage between the end of the A and Dday matters. Did she realize the gravity of her error after the A ended and throw herself into being the best wife a woman can be? A dream-come-true spouse? You should assume that the marriage between 2009 and 2021 is the best you're going to get. The marriage will never be as good now that you have learned the truth.

By the way, if the boss was married at the time, I'd suggest that you reach out to his wife to discuss what she knows. You should do this without first telling your WW that you will be doing it. Many posters find that the BOW can be a helpful ally in terms of finding the truth, as well as a shoulder to cry on as you share your mutual pain.

If you're thinking that reconciliation (often called "R" here) may be an option for you, I'd recommend reading Joseph's Letter in he Healing Library, and also the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". Is your WW cut from the cloth to make the kind of investment into your healing that is described in that book. R takes years of hard work. The WW must carry most of the weight. Even with the effort, it may not succeed. Is your WW a long distance runner? From the initial comments you relate, quite frankly, it sounds like she is not.

but my wife now tells me she refuses to discuss the affair any longer because it happened long ago and itís too emotionally difficult for her to discuss. WTF! Just like 2004-2009, itís apparently all about her needs and wants!

I think you know that this is diametrically opposite of what she must do if you are to heal yourself and your marriage. Her approach could not be more wrong. It's called "rug-sweeping" here and I can guarantee you it never works. In fact, if she continues on that path, it will answer your question for you in terms of whether your marriage can be salvaged. Among other things, a strong recommendation for a WW who desires an opportunity to receive (from you) the gift of R is that she prepare a detailed written timeline of the A, including all of the x-rated details. You'll likely find, like most men do, that you cannot R without knowing this (if you choose to D, then you probably won't care).

By the way, though she says that, to her, it happened a long time ago, to you, it happened the moment you found out. I say it that way because the one trait your WW must have to successfully reconcile is empathy for your trauma. Right now, she is showing zero empathy. Empathy by the WW is the cornerstone of successful R. Without it, you can be 100% certain R has no chance.

It is still pretty new in terms of your process. Your WW's default, for over 15 years, has been to lie to you about this. Lying is her normal. Telling the truth is foreign. It often takes wayward spouses a while to get their head out of their ass and see the hellscape reality they have created. I say this because that is what your WW will need to do if your marriage is to have even a breath of a chance.

Perhaps you could begin here by describing how the Dday went. How did you find the dirty poem? What did you do next? How/when did you confront her? What was said? Have you had sex with her since then? Sleeping in separate beds. This place is an anonymous forum that is rich with crowdsourced wisdom about infidelity, all from people who have experienced it first hand.


[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:24 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

EyesOpened50 posted 4/14/2021 08:38 AM

Really sorry you're here, your reactions are natural and very usual in these situations even though it was years ago to your wife but you've only just found out!! Have a look in the 'healing lounge', I'd suggest you read all the articles so you can get more informed on infidelity - maybe print out a few that relate directly to your situation (Joseph's letter is certainly one of them) and show your wife. See what her reactions are, maybe leave them with her whilst you go out - they may well open her mind about the devastation she has caused. Reconciliation is impossible with only one person working on it and based on what you've stated above, she wants to just move on and forget about it - 'rug sweeping' as it's called does not work, especially for you!!

Read up about infidelity, make informed decisions and keep moving forward, don't forget to eat healthy, lots of water (keep off alcohol) and ideally regular exercise (these all help with the natural bodies balance). You're in turmoil, now on the roller coaster of emotions - it's draining, so make sure you look after yourself!! and

I'd suggest getting a timeline, assuming you want to know the details - your wife now has to be open and honest if she wants to help you. Individual counselling initially for you both, so you can both get into the right mindset, discuss the issues and make a way forward. Hang in there, it's not a quick fix unfortunately!!

MaintainThePain posted 4/14/2021 08:42 AM

Hello westofboston, I am so sorry you had to discover such a horrible thing. I'm also sorry that you had to come here but this is a good place for someone in your situation.

Sorry for the long rant!

Don't apologize for this, you can spill even more of your thoughts and feelings here. The folks here are very gracious and helpful. I am new here as well and have just spewed random thoughts during my own ups and downs and have been met with kindness and understanding.

Whatever you are feeling is valid and legitimate and your WW (wayward wife) needs to understand this and if she wants to make things work, she should be willing and committed to doing whatever it takes! This is something I am learning myself.

Please take care of yourself and ask any questions and spill any thoughts here, like I said, the folks here are extremely helpful and have been where you are and walked the path.

WalkingHome posted 4/14/2021 08:55 AM

When someone hides something from you, they enslave you with lies. They deprive you of the innate freedom that you are entitled to as a human being...freedom to make your own choices in a world of truth.


She stole your freedom. She enslaved you. She took your life, your future, your reality, and the fruits of your years of labor.


When someone does this, the answer is to do exactly what you would have done with life if you had known then what you know now.


You say that is to divorce her. If that's what you would have done, then that is your answer.


Your body will keep screaming at you until you listen to it. It speaks the language of pain. The faster you listen, the faster it will stop sending pain to get your attention.

asc1226 posted 4/14/2021 08:56 AM

I'd suggest you read all the articles so you can get more informed on infidelity - maybe print out a few that relate directly to your situation (Joseph's letter is certainly one of them) and show your wife.

Excellent suggestion, but make sure you cut off any url information and maybe the titles too. You donít need her coming here and reading the advice youíre receiving.

nekonamida posted 4/14/2021 09:02 AM

Butforthegrace's post is gold. I'd like to add - you could easily have another 20 years left. This is not just going to go away. We get posters who are still upset and thinking about it 20 years later when they have a WW like yours who won't discuss it. So think carefully about how you want the future to go. Do you want to be in and out of IC/MC, angry, and resentful or do you want to enjoy the life you've got left?

Lefty posted 4/14/2021 09:25 AM

In the forum list there is one called ďI Can RelateĒ click on that forum and scroll down. There is one called ďFor Those that Found Out Years Later.

This forum does not get a lot of action, but take the time to read thru it. It gives such great insights to what you are feeling.

I also found out years after my husbands affair ended. It has changed our lives drastically. It does not matter that it was years ago. Your pain is real. You have the right to talk about it as much as you need to.

Sanibelredfish posted 4/14/2021 09:40 AM

WOB, sorry you are here, but since you need to be here, Iím glad you found the site.

Finding out years after the fact brings with it itís own set of issues. I recommend you check out the thread in the I Can Relate forum that deals with BSs who found out years later. In particular, you will find other BHs there who stories may be helpful to you.

One more thing, your WW has to drop the, "it was so long ago", bullshit yesterday. Sure, sheís had years to deal with it (and likely forgive herself without too much self-examination, how noble of her!), but you just found out. Implementing the 180, and sharing the resources mentioned by others (Josephís Letter, How to Help Your Spouse...) should help you start to heal and help her begin to understand what she has done, respectively.

There is no successful way to R without talking about it. So, if she sets a hard line in the sand about no discussions you should probably talk to an attorney about what D looks like.

Keep posting and keep reading, you will make it out of this one way or another!

rugswept posted 4/14/2021 09:53 AM

This whole statement of hers, oh it was long ago and I don't want to discuss it.

If she stays with that, tell her your M is over and done with and threaten her with D. If she decides D, that's up to her. Make it clear that you will completely expose this LONG TERM affair to everyone so they know why it's over.

She'll back off and start talking, believe it. Make sure you get the detailed time line of when it started, how, the frequency of meetups, the duration. Don't accept lies. Make sure she gives you whatever details you want. Whatever her first version is, it'll probably be laced with lies. She'll minimize everything like it's nothing.

I didn't have SI back in the day. Had I, I would have taken a totally different path. As my tag says, I rugswept the whole thing because she said, after two or three questions, "How long do I have to answer for this". I let it go at the time.

Decades later it all came back at me and I pushed her to at least get the basics. In most of it I made statements as to what it appeared to be for me and she acknowledged it as I went. She really volunteered nothing. I never revealed anything to anyone.

My W went on with the whole world thinking what a peach she was and how anyone would be happy to have her as a W. She got to preserve the fake image the world has of her, when in reality she was like a porn star engaged in monkey sex with the POSOM and it went on for about 18 months. The POSOM had dial up and menu sex: he could meet with her and she'd do whatever was on the menu that day. That's all I got was the bills.

End this agony of uncertainty for you, right now.

north of Boston.

[This message edited by rugswept at 9:57 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

This0is0Fine posted 4/14/2021 10:02 AM

As I told my wife, had I learned of the affair during those 5 years, I would have filed for divorce.

I believe you already have your answer then.

Not only did she cheat on you for five years, she lied to you and robbed you of an additional 12. And you are considering NOT leaving her because she cheated on to you and stole your time?

asc1226 posted 4/14/2021 10:21 AM

Make sure you get the detailed time line of when it started, how, the frequency of meetups, the duration. Don't accept lies. Make sure she gives you whatever details you want. Whatever her first version is, it'll probably be laced with lies. She'll minimize everything like it's nothing.

Also when did it end? Just because he retired doesnít mean they stopped seeing each other, even if he relocated. And was this the only affair? Tell her to include any inappropriate relationship/interaction going back to when you became exclusive. Tell her the timeline will be verified by polygraph.

thatbpguy posted 4/14/2021 10:32 AM

She had her long term wild fantasy sex with her fantasy man and now refuses to discuss it. That tells me no one is going to make her feel low about what was the most exciting period in her life. No disrespect, but it seems as if you're her second place kewpie doll.

My suggestions:

1. Contact the OM if he is married and let his wife know. She deserves this respect.

2. Contact a divorce specialist attorney and at least file. This should wake her to be more honest with you. You don't need to go thru with it, but it needs to be actively on the table.

3. Separate from her (either a separate bedroom or have her leave) and do a hard "180" until this mess gets more clear.

4. She needs to provide you with a LOT of information. A timeline... and prove to you that she is all in for you and the marriage.

5. I hear you about being 64 and not wanting to start a new life. But is living with an unrepentant betrayer who cares little for you a better life? Carefully consider what that may look like as you get older.

HappilyMarried1 posted 4/14/2021 10:41 AM

So sorry @westofboston for you having to find out about your wife's infidelity the way you did. A couple of things your WS needs to understand. In her life this affair started 17 years ago and ended 12 years ago. However to you it is just a month ago and is very fresh and your feelings are very raw and hurt. She needs to do whatever you request to help you understand why and what drove her to this long term affair. If she truly cares anything for your and and your marriage she should be totally available for whatever you need to help you understand and get through this betrayal and continued deceit of your marriage vows. I am sorry but if she is unwilling to do this then even at 64 you need to divorce and move on. Also, if you have kids do they know of this? If the OM is still living and married his spouse needs to be told as well. If you want to stay in your marriage you both need to have IC and then MC together.

Finally I am sorry but based on what you have said in your post the only reason the affair stopped was due to his retirement. I don't think she planned on ever ending the relationship, but that is why she needs to come clean and answer everything you ask for you to process and decide if you want to continue to be married. If she continues to refuse then I would serve her with divorce papers and move on because she truly doesn't care for you or your marriage. Best of luck! Please keep us updated.

[This message edited by HappilyMarried1 at 10:45 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

GoldenR posted 4/14/2021 10:42 AM

She's confident you won't leave, so she's calling the shots on your recovery.

There's only 1 way to heal on your terms and that's to take control of your healing and make her aware of it.

Start separating finances.

Start looking for another place to stay.

If you have kids tell her that either she can tell them with you or you'll do it alone. Same goes for telling her ex boss's wife.

This is not currently a marriage you're in. It's a one-sided power play on her end. You need to take that power away from her. Make he see that you have no fear of living without her.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:00 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

Txquail posted 4/14/2021 10:43 AM

Keep all the evidence you find.

You really got to ask yourself how many affairs did your wife have?

Her excuse that she doesn't want to talk about it now because it was so long ago is just wrong. That alone tells you she still loves the affair partner and is PROTECTIVING THE AP.

Find the AP, go tell his wife about the affair and share your evidence with his spouse. She deserves to know.

Your wife has been lying to you for years. She has no problem lying to you. I'd divorce her as quickly as I could.

Heck she was having an affair with someone and she hid it well. DO you have children? Are you sure the children are biologically yours? Cheaters a lot of the time tell their spouse that their AP's child is theirs.

She was willing to risk your health by bring home STDs, having a "Jealous" AP possibly planning harm to you, willing to risk an affair to destroy you. She lied to you. She disrespected you. She broke her wedding vows to you. Now she wants you to forgive and forget as it was too long ago?

HECK NO. She needs to have a Coming to Jesus moment.

Marz posted 4/14/2021 10:54 AM

All Cheaters lie, hide and deny. Most will only admit to what you can prove.

Your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special here at all so try and stay out of denial:

Inform the other mans wife. She deserves to know. Do not tell your wife !!!!!

BlueRaspberry posted 4/14/2021 10:54 AM

westofboston,

I feel very bad for you. To find out about your wife's duplicitous nature after so much time has passed is soul crushing.

She did this for five (5) years! That is a very long time during which she continually lied to you and gave herself emotionally and physically to another man. She didn't stop until he moved on (retired). She didn't come clean until you caught her with undeniable evidence. Now that the affair is revealed she is unrepentant and petulant.

You need to contact the OBS and let her know what you've found - she deserves to know. If you have children, you should get a DNA test to determine if they are actually your children. You should talk to a lawyer to understand your options. Lastly, you need to take care of yourself since you're suffering from domestic abuse - infidelity is domestic abuse.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 10:55 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

DIFM posted 4/14/2021 11:05 AM

I'm very sorry you had to find your self here. If there is any consolation, and there isn't, every single person here has or is going through every trauma that you are and have great value in what they say to you.

This is very troubling and likely foretelling of what it to come:

Itís been just over a month since I learned of the affair, but my wife now tells me she refuses to discuss the affair any longer because it happened long ago and itís too emotionally difficult for her to discuss. WTF! Just like 2004-2009, itís apparently all about her needs and wants!

If you are not prepared to live through 2-5 years of hell, while you wait for her to grasp the trauma you are going through, then more reason to consider dumping the albatross of lies and deceptions and the "all about her" gaslighting that you will face for maybe the next 20 years in pain. You CANNOT reconcile with an unremorseful cheater. You can rugsweep, or pretend, or make excuses so as not try to avoid facing it, but that never works and the wounds jut get deeper and deeper.

Maybe your wayward wife will be that one in a hundred that gets it soon enough to spare you more pain and trauma......but from what she has told you she will and won't do....I would put all my money on her being as selfish and without remorse or contrition as the majority of other cheaters.

I really feel your pain and wish there was a pill to make it go away. If there is no remorse, empathy, and contrition and a clear show of desire and actions to fix her very unsafe internal boundaries, you must consider getting out before the added stress and pain make your 64 years feel like 84.

Newlifeisgreat posted 4/14/2021 11:27 AM

Hello from the South Shore.

I went through this hell relatively recently , and divorced 2 1/2 years ago.

First, I just want to say that you should not let fear prevent you from doing anything. You are 64, not 104!!!

Iím approximately a decade younger than you, and Iím sure I shared all of the fears that you are currently experiencing. But ask anyone that has gone through this and they will tell you that none of their fears even remotely came through. You would not believe the sheer number of living and caring women at our our ages that want loyal and good men to be casual partners or to get into long term relationships.

Right now you are still in the fog from being thrown into Hell by the person you thought you could trust no matter what. You are still in shock. Do not commit to anything with her right now.

I believe that you should let your family and friends know what is going on. Tell them about her affair. You are not doing this to hurt or punish her. You are doing this because you are going to need to lean on them for support. They will need to know why you need their support. And donít hesitate to come right out and ask for their help. They are your friends and family, hey will WANT TO help, they just may not know how to help you or be reluctant to help for fear of being viewed as being nosey.

Also, you need to take care of yourself as much as possible. Try to eat and sleep. You may find that you have zero appetite, but force yourself to eat! Buy boxes of protein bars and keep them around. And just as the body needs food to run, the brain needs sleep to operate. If you are trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor.

Finally, it is obvious that your cheating wife has no clue about what she has done to you and your marriage! She wants to sweep everything under the rug.

You say that you are concerned about your age. Well, everyone says that it takes 2 to 5 years to get over cheating. Do you want to be 68 or 69 and still walking into your home and dealing with the implications of your wifeís cheating? It iis clear that she doesnít love you ( or at least lĒloveĒ you with a definition that you agree with), or respect you. If she did, she wouldnít have had a 5 year relationship with another man. And sorry, but you will never trust her again. Anytime that she is away, or is 5 minutes late, you will wonder who she is with and in what hotel. Now, do you really want a marriage without love, respect, or trust? And the longer you donít force her to give you more information about her affair, the greater her respect for you will diminish!

Talk to one of your friends that is divorced, preferably male and around your age, about everything .

We have all been where you are now.

I promise that you will get through this.

Good luck
Stay Strong
And
Do whatever you must do in order to look the man in the mirror in the eye!

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