"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

rar1967 posted 4/13/2021 10:06 AM

I am 53 and my husband 58 and we have a 14 year old son. Both of us were married before. We are married 17 1/2 years and together 20. My husband is a District Manager and over sees 18 stores and with COVID he's really working long hours because how short staffed the stores are. I'm a stay at home mom and I also take care of my dad who we live with. So I had a feeling (M) was cheating on me there were a few signs and I knew who with. A co-worker (D) who runs one of his stores. So on March 31 in the evening my phone rang and it said (TW) and I said wonder who that is and he said (D)'s wife I knew why he was calling. Every room I went to when I was on the phone my husband followed and was glued to me in the process of texting (D) because apparently the husband when he confronted (D) said he wouldn't call me but he felt I should know. He kicked (D) out of the house with nothing and she has been living in her van. So I get off the phone and said lets here it and it had been going on for 3 weeks. I said who do you want he said you I screwed up he said and she came onto him and he didn't say no and it happened a few times. Because he was going into help her stock because of COVID no one wants to work and the stores are short staffed so he goes in and helps out. Now back in my younger days I would of kicked his ass out but we have a lot invested in our marriage. I blame the 2 of them and also the company they work for to be honest. So I've had a lot of sleepless nights because my brain just won't shut off! The next morning I drove by her store but her car wasn't there this was 4:00 AM and he was at another store further away. He said he told her from the beginning he loved his family and would never leave them. So that same day later in the day I went out to her store to confront her and I was nice about it she looked scared like a deer in the headlights. I said it ends and it ends now. I said how long has this been going on she said 3 to 4 weeks and I said he said you were the instigator and she said yeah in her meek voice. And I said just don't piss me off. As soon as I left and was in my car my phone rang it was my husband and I said I was nice to her but told her not to piss me off. When I was talking to her husband and he was texting her I grabbed his phone and said do you love (M) and she said very much so. My husband said he loved her but also loves me and I said well its one of the other. So thank God family was here for the holiday so during the day keeping my mind off this was good it's at night that it starts. My think is I'd love so much to see the text messages that were deleted. He told her not text him anymore but for work some times she does have too. And I said if you go and help her stock it has to be when people are there not just the two of you. So I keep tabs on the calls and text through our cellphone service and on our bank account. Now if he uses my car I can track him by gps but he has a company car. So we have been talking a lot and working on things. Then the other day I see text from her and I said let me see the text so he shows me and I said umm you deleted them. She texted him she misses him and I forgot what he said he reply was well I said let's go where is she then she got her on the phone and said about the text messages and I said something was really immature for my age and she was going to hang up. Now (D) is 50 but looks over 60. I believe she's been around the block a few times and has had a rough life. So my husband is feeling responsible for her living in her car he told me last week he gave her 100 bucks to get something to eat and one night she got a room so she could shower. But, he feels responsible so we agreed we'd get her a room for a week. So yesterday I booked it and me being nice got all kinds of gift cards for her and cash. So we both took this stuff out there and she was ready to cry and she said she doesn't want anyone to take pity on her. And my husband said it's my fault your in your car and we just want to do something nice to help you out. I said we aren't give her anymore she needs to get her big girl panties on and get a bank account etc seeing as her husband has control of everything.
I that she sent text messages to him this morning so when he gets home I want to see them if they better be business related and he better not of deleted them. I just want to know when the brain shut down it drives me crazy thinking about all this stuff. Me and him have been talking a lot and he was suppose to be on vacation a few days but he'd work 1/2 day and be off. He works to much and is trying to find a different job. I did call her husband back the other day to thank him for calling me and letting me know because I'm sure the hubby wouldn't of told me. Am I crazy? I do love him and I need to work on something he said I always have my nose in my Ipad and he's correct instead of talking to him etc. so there are little things we are working on. Not sure how long it will be before I can trust so if in the early mornings I need to take a road trip to make sure they aren't together I will and he knows that! Well, I rambled on for long enough.

GoldenR posted 4/13/2021 10:23 AM

Rar...

Stop. Being. Nice.

A hotel room? Gift cards?

Stop it.

She is an enemy of your marriage. Period END OF STORY.

If he wants you then it's you or her, not some weird mixture of both. Any contact is him still being in the affair, at least emotionally.

Her welfare is not his problem and it's sure as shit not your problem.

Her living in a van? That's called a consequence. It's what's supposed to happen when you're caught in an A. And from what I can see, your H has suffered none.

Thata all I have time for but others will be here.

nekonamida posted 4/13/2021 11:10 AM

GoldenR is right. It's insane that you've been complicit in subsidizing her lifestyle after her BH kicked her out.

I do love him and I need to work on something he said I always have my nose in my Ipad and he's correct instead of talking to him etc. so there are little things we are working on.

This has NOTHING to do with the A. None. And focusing on the little things is like choosing new drapes while your house is on fire. The ONLY thing your marriage hinges on right now is if he can drop the OW for good, go to IC, and figure out how and why he did this and how he will prevent it from happening again. What you did or didn't do had nothing to do with his cheating. HE made the choice to. He could have let you know that the iPad was a problem before he slept with her. He could have told you he was thinking about cheating before he did it and gotten help for your marriage. But he didn't. He decided to mess around with her instead and then give you this crap afterwards. Don't accept it.

You can't R while she's still in the picture. Who cares if you check their messages every day when your WH deletes them? What good will that do other than make you feel better about them continuing the affair right in front of you? You told him - it's her or you. He chose her. He chooses her every day they see each other and text when it's not work related. He chooses her every day he spends not looking for a new job with a plan in place to end this madness and re-commit to you. So now that you're aware that he's not choosing you, what are you going to do about it?

allusions posted 4/13/2021 11:31 AM

Getting kicked out of her home by her husband is a consequence of her having an affair with your husband. There is absolutely no reason for you to be nice to her and get her a place to live for a week. She has a job and money. She doesn't need handouts from you or your husband.

BlueRaspberry posted 4/13/2021 11:38 AM

rar1967,

You stated

I said it ends and it ends now. I said how long has this been going on she said 3 to 4 weeks and I said he said you were the instigator and she said yeah in her meek voice. And I said just don't piss me off. As soon as I left and was in my car my phone rang it was my husband and I said I was nice to her but told her not to piss me off

Why in the world are you being "nice" to her? She inserted herself into your marriage. She is a threat to your marriage. Your husband and you need to go NC with her immediately. No texting, no talking, no handouts, nothing. Further, your husband needs to find another job. If he has a problem with that, he should understand this is a consequence of having an affair. If he refuses, you know he is continuing to choose her over you.

Regardless, you should see a lawyer ASAP to understand your options. Knowledge is power.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 11:38 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

thatbpguy posted 4/13/2021 11:53 AM

Totally agree with the posters- you're promulgating the betrayal. I suggest you stop.

newlife03 posted 4/13/2021 12:00 PM

As soon as I left and was in my car my phone rang it was my husband

She reached out to your husband, and then he called you. They are still very much together.

Supporting her and taking care of her is one way this affair will continue. You owe her nothing, and your WH owes her nothing. Makes me sick how he's worried about her rather than what he has done to you and your marriage.

His decision to cheat was not your fault. It doesn't matter that you had your nose in your Ipad or whatever. HE CHOSE TO CHEAT. And he's still doing it, only now he has your permission to be in contact with her. It's up to you to stop it.

Buster123 posted 4/13/2021 12:14 PM

This is not likely to end well for you, NC FOREVER is paramount, recovery from infidelity takes aproximately 2-5 years on average, there's no quick fix for this, and that's with a fully remorseful WS doing all the necessary work, your WH (Wayward Husband) just regrets getting caught, way too early for remorse, also the job didn't have anything to do with this, He CHOSE to betray you and have an A, don't forget to talk to a D attorney to know your legal options and also demand he gets tested for STDs (you should too), yes he's been playing russian roulette with your health. One of the them needs to quit the job, if she won't then your WH needs to find another job, a consequence of his huge betrayal.

He said he loves her and you're helping her with hotel rooms and gift cards ! please stop that right now, also EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends without warning, there are plenty of apps they could use to communicate that won't show up on the phone bill (WhatsApp, Snapchat, Messenger, etc), full exposure typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and exciting" aspects of the A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more he hates the A and its consequences the more he will hate AP and the less likely he will be to cheat again in the future.

Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through your difficult situation, we've "seen" it play out THOUSANDS of times here on SI and other forums, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script.

yellowledbetter posted 4/13/2021 13:53 PM

Gently...You asked, “am I crazy?”. Well, everything about your situation is a whole lot of crazy. I have a feeling this isn’t your first rodeo when it comes to your husband being unfaithful?

As long as you feel the need to be ‘nice’ to this other person in your marriage, be prepared to never be rid of her. If you’re ok with 3 people in your marriage, then I guess just keep doing what you’re doing. She made her bed, let her sleep
In her fricken vehicle!! Consequences are a sonofabitch. Not that her or your husband would know about that because they haven’t had any! Her husband seems to be the only one doing the right thing when he kicked her out and notified you. HE is getting out of infidelity. Good on him!

Do you see how messed up this is? She sleeps with your husband, continues to be in touch with him, misses him, he loves her...and you want to be nice, pay for her hotel room since her H kicked her out, and buy her gift cards?

No...just no. You will never be out of infidelity at this rate. Are you ok with that?

guvensiz posted 4/13/2021 19:43 PM

she came onto him and he didn't say no

So my husband is feeling responsible for her living in her car

While he was telling you the story of the A, he didn't feel himself very responsible for it. But he feels responsible to the AP.

BigNoob posted 4/13/2021 21:48 PM

This women is a HOMEWRECKER!
You should not be paying anything for her. I know your scared and have a lot on the line with your lifestyle getting a massive 180.

Please reach out to your support system friends/family. Visit a lawyer and try and shake your husband up to secure some assets in case things don't change or worse this is an exit affair.

Do not play the Pick Me Dance. You do not reward bad behavior, they will keep on taking from you.

Ariopolis posted 4/13/2021 22:38 PM

I'm sorry to hear of the horrible things your H has done to you. I think you're in shock. It's normal to be traumatized after finding all the different things those two have done.

I'm a stay at home mom and I also take care of my dad who we live with

Open an account in your name only. Something your H can't use. Start making deposits. If (D) decides she likes your H, your lifestyle and house more than she likes her own, I don't think she's going to want to buy food, medicine and gift cards for you and your dad.

Get checked for STDs. It's possible (D) took one look at your H and just needed him, but it's more likely she's been, ah, friendly with many coworkers in the past, such as suppliers, delivery men, security guys, truckers, maybe even customers.

See an attorney. Do not tell anyone. Find out what you can get in terms of alimony for being a SAHM. Just know what could happen if worst comes to worst.

IMHO, most of what you believe is not true. The 3 or 4 weeks? Only if you can independently verify it. Maybe months, maybe years. You do not know.

He said he told her from the beginning he loved his family and would never leave them.

Maybe happened, maybe not. If it did, why did he have to tell her he'd never leave his family? Did she want him to? After 3 weeks? I don't think so.

You do know they are in love with each other. That means they are not going to give each other up easily. Certainly not when you have bought her a place to stay and they don't have to screw in some cramped office where people could walk in on them.

he was suppose to be on vacation a few days but he'd work 1/2 day and be off.

Was this 1/2 day week of vacation since she's been out of her house? Can you verify he worked those mornings? Where he worked?

I honestly don't think this is going to end well for you. Mainly because you seem woefully unprepared for what is happening. For what most likely will happen.

So yesterday I booked it and me being nice got all kinds of gift cards for her and cash.

You do not give things to the woman who wants your husband. I don't care how meek she sounded on D Day. She loves your husband and has now taken a measure of you as a foe. You are in the battle of your life.You can't be a cream puff, even a nice one. She isn't going to be nice to you if it dawns on her she might get a cozy house with your H, your house, plus the settlement she'd get from her ex.

get a bank account etc seeing as her husband has control of everything.

Who said this? Unless the OBS told you directly, this is probably not true either. If she told your H who told you, it's def not true. OW who play the poor widdle me game will say anything about their BHs. Some would even say their BHs are going to come to the workplace and shoot the place up if it meant they can get sympathy from someone's husband. OW lie. That's all they do is lie.

I that she sent text messages to him this morning so when he gets home I want to see them if they better be business related and he better not of deleted them.

The affair will not be over until they have lived out their natural lives with never having seen, spoken or contacted each other again. What has your H told you about going NC and being transparent with her texts?

I did call her husband back the other day to thank him for calling me

Please keep in contact with him. He's probably the best friend you have. You're going to want to know if he decides to D. If your H is seeing her and you are paying for her lodging, you are almost like being sister wives. Once divorced, you don't know what your H is going to do. Maybe he figures he can buffalo you into letting her move in. After all, isn't her predicament his fault? (NO! in case you still think it is.)

I need to work on something he said

NO! You could be a full blooded werewolf with acne and halitosis and it still would be 100% HIS fault to have sex with another person.

if in the early mornings I need to take a road trip to make sure they aren't together

Where did they...? At work, her house? Not later in the day? How did the OBS find out? Did he catch them?

It's going to wear you out to be your H's warden, but for a short determined amount of time, like a month or two, you can do it. VAR his vehicle and get control of his phone, knowing they will probably switch to a burner phone. Your H will probably buy one for her. VAR the hell out of his car and maybe VAR the company car if he uses the same one every day and brings it home. WS love to talk to the AP in their cars. They feel safe.

Lovers also text constantly. All day long. The first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.

While it is true waywards hate coming home to an angry questioning spouse, and it compares badly to the loving arms of the AP, you can be loving and civil to your WS and still harden yourself enough to demand fidelity and transparency from your WH.

Most of all, this woman must be cut out of your lives like the cancer she is. No sob stories. No more gift cards. Zero. You have opened a door that should have never existed and now you're going to have a dickens of a time shutting it.