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Day 3 since found out - absolutely crushed, can't eat or sleep

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

nekonamida posted 4/11/2021 18:06 PM

I hope she is suffering now that I'm turning the tables on her.

Decaynus, I know how badly you want this to be true. You want her to feel pain. You want her to be ashamed of the OM and throw him under the bus. But gently, she is not acting pained or ashamed. She's pushing back against your reasonable request for her to come home with attitude like a petulant teenager who wants to skip curfew and party longer. Her dad is crying and ashamed for her but she's not. She's off doing whatever is more important to her right now than saving your marriage. I know that hurts but you have to face the reality that she's just not that bothered by what is happening so that you can make a good decision for yourself based on reality and not what you wish to be true.

Again, think about this logically. Your marriage is imploding. Your spouse is beyond angry with you and is threatening separation/D. Would you roll your eyes and give them grief about it or would you drop everything and go home? WSes who are in pain do not give you attitude like a teenager. They call/text repeatedly, rush home, and beg you to not call that lawyer. We see it time and time again here. Even from WSes who still want to see AP on the side. They just ALSO want their marriage.

For whatever reason, your WW does not want your marriage that badly. Maybe that will change when she is looking at separation papers but maybe it won't. It is NOT a good idea to keep pestering her to do the right thing. She has made it clear - she's not coming home. She might come home is you agree to not be angry, drop the A talk, and cuddle her but obviously that is a TERRIBLE no good idea. She might get home if you're a ready doormat and leave her alone to make a final decision on if she's staying in her hometown with OM or not. But what she is absolutely NOT saying is that she'll fight for the marriage and will do whatever it takes.

Stop demanding anything of her. She's told you already - she's not coming home yet. Talk to that lawyer tomorrow and get an idea of how long she needs to be gone for for it to qualify as abandonment. If she decides a few weeks or months aren't enough time either, it may work out in your favor in terms of asset distribution and custody. Don't mess with that if she refuses to come home and R with you as your wife.

siracha posted 4/11/2021 18:11 PM

You gave her two days and thats too much pressure , how many days notice did she give you before breaking your vows.
The answer to every manipulative question should be “ im doing this because you cheated “ .
And the answer to every recrimination is “ im sorry my parents and anxiety made you feel overwhelmed . Ive been overwhelmed alot too - somehow i didnt cheat on you . If you cant take full responsibility for this then you cant ever stop cheating “
She wants to cuddle . Well ofcourse. There is no doubt in my mind that she wants your love - but here is the key point - she does not want to love you back .That takes some adulting .
I agree with all the advice you have received , a few weeks after DD the cheater has nothing but lies and manipulation to offer , dont fall for it , go ahead with divorce papers and if you truly see a changed woman a few months later then you can always switch course .

Stevesn posted 4/11/2021 18:14 PM

You’re doing well.

As I said in my long post, what she did effectively ended the marriage as you know it. The response to wanting to move away to the country and to work on your marriage should never be “I want to bang a guy I met at a party”. It’s should be to threaten you w MC if you can’t come to agreement and if you won’t then threaten w divorce. She instead took the nuclear option and now has to face the consequences.

You don’t have to explain yourself. As I and others stated, saying, “I’ve realized the destruction your choices have cause our relationship. It’s changed forever. You have a lot of work on yourself ahead of you. It will take a change in yourself and your outlook to even for us to have a chance to build something new. And even then it will be something that will take years to do. I doubt you have it in you. Prove me wrong. I can’t promise anything except being the best coparent I can be going forward.”

Hang in there my friend.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:44 AM, April 12th (Monday)]

BindassBP posted 4/11/2021 18:24 PM

Right now some business you need to take care of:

1. Tell her not to come back until you find a place for her and start looking. Pay 3/4 months rent in advance. Because you need to heal and with her in your house 24x7 it will be impossible.

2. If she wants to comes back before you find a place, let her stay with your parents on weekdays and you stay at your parents on weekends.

3. Get a lawyer ASAP and file for divorce. Share whatever you discovered with the lawyer.

guvensiz posted 4/11/2021 18:35 PM

I also contacted the partner of the OM and told her everything. She was totally shocked. She said they've been trying to reconciliate over the last month.

Does that mean OBS found out about the A right after the wedding? Times match. It also shows why the AP lost interest, but that still did not prevent him from having sex again.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 6:36 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Freeme posted 4/11/2021 18:35 PM

I also contacted the partner of the OM and told her everything. She was totally shocked. She said they've been trying to reconciliate over the last month. I said to her "my wife is living in some kind of fantasy with him" to which she said "wow she and I have different ideas of fantasy."
I'm so glad you did this. Most likely OM is going to throw your WW under the bus and try to save his marriage...again.

You've told her what she needs to do. Now is the time to do the 180. Only discussions on kids and finance. She should be jumping hoops to get home and stop the divorce process...begging for forgiveness. She might not want to deal with you being mad at her but... well she caused this. She needs to put her big girl pants on and figure out how to fix it... if she can.

She's mad because you changed your mind about giving her all the time she needs??? What about her changing her mind about being faithful to her husband and kids?

SnowToArmPits posted 4/11/2021 19:53 PM

I didn't want to move to the country, my parents are smothering, my anxiety/depression has been hard to deal with as a spouse, I'm not handy enough.

Oh my God YOU'RE THE WORST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD!!! You're not handy enough, well I'm just gonna cheat on you.

The only real answer to that tosh is: ...and you've abandoned our kids, our marriage, and cheated on me. We're separating so I can divorce you.

It's understandable she still has emotional hooks into you, you've had kids together and have been married for a while. Sounds like you're pretty clear-headed, though. Not easy getting untangled from her but I think you should carry on doing so.

decaynus posted 4/11/2021 20:45 PM

Interested to hear your thoughts on this sentiment?

youtube dot com/watch?v=5TUxH2izTGI

Smillie posted 4/11/2021 21:01 PM

Nobody is perfect. Everyone is at fault for some aspects of their relationship. Problem with infidelity is that it is a deal breaker for alot of people. Infidelity, substance abuse, verbal abuse and violence are all deal breakers (there are probably more). Everything else is just small stuff that can be worked on.

It is human nature to feel responsible for you're wife cheating. In truth there is probably nothing that you could have done to prevent it. She was selfish and she met a crappy bloke who lacked a moral compass.

This0is0Fine posted 4/11/2021 21:14 PM

You are not even 1% responsible for the decision to cheat.

Not even that much blameshifting should ever occur.

A relationship is not vulnerable to infidelity. A person is.

If you read my thread in general "Why?" you can get more of my perspective on that. Yes you can improve environmental conditions that make it easier for an affair prone person to have one. You cannot stop them from fundamentally believing deception is ok. They have to do that. Not you. The spark, the lie, the affair, that's on them. Relationship problems exist in ALL relationships. Yet somehow despite being "vulnerable" to an affair many broken relationships don't. Why? Luck? Maybe. More likely both partners have healthy solid boundaries and simply choose not to deceive their partner.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:19 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

GoldenR posted 4/11/2021 21:17 PM

"Interested to hear your thoughts on this sentiment?
youtube dot com/watch?v=5TUxH2izTGI"


Just another cheaters apologist that supports R at any cost. There's a lot of them.

Stevesn posted 4/11/2021 21:17 PM

Personally .. I think it’s bullshit. BTW, I hate TED Talks. They simplify complex issues way to much.

Could I pull a few nuggets out of there that I agree with? very few. I agree, the relationship will never be the same as it was after infidelity. Could it be better? Yes. But not by doing what she says.

The WS has a shit ton of changing, self introspection, attitude adjustment to do. Months worth. Years worth. Before rebuilding can even start.

She makes it sound so easy. She makes it sound like infidelity is a natural ramification of having. Some marital issues. IT IS NOT. Instead, it pushes those issues aside for the moment and creates an exponentially larger issue on too of those, that must now be addressed FIRST, before the original issues can even start to be discussed.

There you go. There are no shortcuts. No matter how much fancy lighting someone has on them when discussing it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:17 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

BigNoob posted 4/11/2021 21:21 PM

I watched the video and key point I will take away is Action>words. Patty put in the work and Will forgave her.


What actions has your wife taken?
We are still a few days out so have not seen much.

Also is the video it talks about reasons why for the affair. Patty was the Golden Child, and will wanted to be mother's.

In your case from what you have posted so far. Your wife is a chaser (likes the thrill of the chase). As well as wants to live in the countryside.

-Not sure what wife's job is, but she has 3 kids she is also financially responsible for. If you have to move to the countryside and take a hit financially what is the point?

-How far away in the countryside from where you live?

You want to live in the city and she wants to be in the countryside. How will you overcome this? You cannot carpool with somebody going the opposite way?


Your wife has 2 years to show you positive actions that earns forgiveness/Rec. Will you be doing an in house separation or separate places?
-If you do decide to do in house. Please be aware of love bombing, hysterical bonding. Do not have a false reconciliation.


This is just my opinion. My family is very prone to heart attacks so you never know when it's your last day. I do not want to spend 2-5 years on "Hopefully" reconciling. I have better things to do and my life to live out. I left my ExGF in 2014 and I sleep better at night. I was not married or had kids with her so my situation was different.

SnowToArmPits posted 4/11/2021 21:48 PM

Here's what I got out of that youtube Ted talk:

Betrayer needs to deliver:

SOS: Sorry. Ownership. Spadework.

SORRY I broke your heart. Take OWNERSHIP of the choices she made (no blameshifting). SPADEWORK - betrayer must take action, no contact with affair partner, transparency with spouse.

Don't get overly comfortable in a marriage, air resentments.

To succeed in reconciling you cannot go back to being the person before infidelity.

Self reflection and working on personal growth should be a goal for those cheated on, whether your successfully reconcile or not.

^^^ all sounds good. In your case OP, your wife needs to embrace SOS if you're to reconcile. I think everyone here would agree with that. Bit of a mountain to climb to get her there.

Marz posted 4/11/2021 21:51 PM

Her response... you told me you'd give me all the time I need and it's only been 2 days.

Trying to buy time for her other man probably.

Tempocontour posted 4/11/2021 22:23 PM

I've only read your response not others. You said you had contacted a lawyer but nothing about finance. You should look at your bank statements to make sure she hasn't moved the money to her account and leave you with nothing. You should split the money 50/50. You could only take half if you share a joint account with your stbxw. Good luck. Please keep us up to date.

ShutterHappy posted 4/11/2021 22:32 PM

The whole city versus country living is irrelevant (like hellfire said).

Your WW met some guy, allowed herself to fall in love with him and now she thinks she can pick and choose which one to keep.

She doesn’t like your ultimatum and wants to take her time in deciding which way to go. Poor thing, she is suffering right now.

The thing is that she should be mortified by how much pain she is causing you and your children.

But nothing you wrote so far, on what she said, shows any empathy. That’s what worry me the most in your posts. She has no empathy, no remorse.

She’s chasing after you because she looking out for herself.

My advice is to detach emotionally from her. Seek support from friends and family, your family.

Get tested for STD. Cheaters don’t use protection.

Continue with the D process until your WW shows remorse and empathy. If that happens, you can reevaluate.

Don’t seek full custody to punish you WW. Children are not weapons.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:16 AM, April 12th (Monday)]

Buster123 posted 4/11/2021 23:49 PM

I've told her she needs to get herself back here, face her responsibilities as a mother, start making some decisions on living arrangements and how she's going to support herself financially. I've told her while she's up there trying to figure herself out I am down here running a household, looking after 3 worried children, and dealing with the end of my marriage.

Her response... you told me you'd give me all the time I need and it's only been 2 days. Now you're saying you want to move on and don't want to try and sort things out?

This is all you need to know to go ahead and file for D and have her served without warning, right now your WW is not a good candidate for R by a very long shot. Good job on the exposure to her father and OBS, POSOM will probably just drop your WW like a bad habit in an effort to save his own M, also DO NOT LIE to your kids, tell them in an age appropriate way that her mom has a boyfriend (name him), you don't need to tell them the gory details, but they have a right to know why their lives will be impacted, plus it's not your job to hide her A.

Also like others mentioned, go to your bank and put half of the money in an account in your name only, then get tested for STDs, yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health.

I think based on what you posted, I get the impression that part of her plan was to make you move there and once the family established legal "residency" there and the kids were going to school in her hometown then she would dump you, effectively getting full custody of the kids by default since you would likely be forced back to the city unless you decided to live in that town forever, that's why it's imperative you talk to a D attorney ASAP.

The1stWife posted 4/12/2021 03:04 AM

She pursued you for 3 years knowing your career choice and location / where you lived. She signed up to live with you.

And you know the “country living” is just a lie and excuse to justify the affair.

Cheaters use whatever “ammunition” they can to blame the betrayed for the affair. Typical lies the betrayed years is “you didn’t love me” and “you didn’t support me” to “you don’t cap the toothpaste properly”.

Cheaters blame everyone else for the affair. Just like so many videos you watch or things you read. It’s all the betrayed’s fault for the affair. It’s never the crappy decision making of the cheater for the affair.

Marz posted 4/12/2021 06:42 AM

^^^^ yep, yep and yep.

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