I haven't started my own post in a few months. I had to take a little break from SI for my mental health. I was spending too much time here getting triggered and fighting with people, and was feeling stuck in my recovery. If anybody else is feeling the same, I would recommend also talking a break. It really helped a lot.
Anyway, my WH shared with me this week (after a rough patch thanks to a particularly horrifying dream) that when things are going well between us, he gets his hopes up that we'll make it through this. It kind of caught me by surprise. I hardly ever see hope talked about from the wayward side, and it didn't occur to me that he was feeling that way. I feel like I have been very clear that we may not make it past this, and it's a day by day thing for me still (yes, still, at almost two years out), but he still gets his hopes up. Granted, the cynical part of me wonders if it's just hope that he got away with it all, but the way it came up I don't think that's what he is thinking. It made me feel a little bad, to be honest. Stupid empathy.
It also made me realize that I am not longer in the hope phase. I no longer think "I hope he changes and that we can be a couple till death do us part". I now think "He better change and stay that way, or I'm done." It's kind of empowering to really realize that I know my worth and know my boundaries, and have no issue walking if he can't be the person that I deserve.
I'm definitely in a much better place overall, but still struggle from time to time. People weren't kidding when they say 2-5 years for recovery. He hasn't had a slip in sometime, at least as far as I know, so that definitely helps.
Anyway, no other point really other than him expressing hope caught me off guard. Being vulnerable also surprised me. I guess that's a win considering him shying away from tough conversations had always been an issue.
Hope everybody has an amazing Saturday. 60 and sunny here in New England! Spring is in the air......
Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.