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General :
Hope

Topic is Sleeping.
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 landclark (original poster Member #70659) posted at 4:32 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

I haven't started my own post in a few months. I had to take a little break from SI for my mental health. I was spending too much time here getting triggered and fighting with people, and was feeling stuck in my recovery. If anybody else is feeling the same, I would recommend also talking a break. It really helped a lot.

Anyway, my WH shared with me this week (after a rough patch thanks to a particularly horrifying dream) that when things are going well between us, he gets his hopes up that we'll make it through this. It kind of caught me by surprise. I hardly ever see hope talked about from the wayward side, and it didn't occur to me that he was feeling that way. I feel like I have been very clear that we may not make it past this, and it's a day by day thing for me still (yes, still, at almost two years out), but he still gets his hopes up. Granted, the cynical part of me wonders if it's just hope that he got away with it all, but the way it came up I don't think that's what he is thinking. It made me feel a little bad, to be honest. Stupid empathy.

It also made me realize that I am not longer in the hope phase. I no longer think "I hope he changes and that we can be a couple till death do us part". I now think "He better change and stay that way, or I'm done." It's kind of empowering to really realize that I know my worth and know my boundaries, and have no issue walking if he can't be the person that I deserve.

I'm definitely in a much better place overall, but still struggle from time to time. People weren't kidding when they say 2-5 years for recovery. He hasn't had a slip in sometime, at least as far as I know, so that definitely helps.

Anyway, no other point really other than him expressing hope caught me off guard. Being vulnerable also surprised me. I guess that's a win considering him shying away from tough conversations had always been an issue.

Hope everybody has an amazing Saturday. 60 and sunny here in New England! Spring is in the air......

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1911   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8649452
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Tanner ( Member #72235) posted at 5:48 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Good to see you back, it’s a journey with new milestones along the way. Two steps forward, one step back is still progress. When I saw my W start moving from selfish wayward to a true R partner, it made me step up in my work also.

Even when things are going great my brain reminds me to review my exit plan if I ever need it. I will never get caught off guard again.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8649466
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GTeamReboot ( Member #72633) posted at 5:56 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

I now think "He better change and stay that way, or I'm done." It's kind of empowering to really realize that I know my worth and know my boundaries, and have no issue walking if he can't be the person that I deserve.

Yes! I reached a point of articulating this better for myself and for him recently. I told him I wasn’t giving him any ultimatums, I’m giving myself an ultimatum. There are certain things I need to stop experiencing, certain things I need to start experiencing more of, and if I don’t I have to make some hard choices. It’s that simple. (Except that it isn’t that simple. But technically it is. Except, it’s not. ).

Glad to hear you are doing fairly well. Hopefully his newfound clarity and attitude will continue.

Me- BW, 45 (FWH, 47); DDay Oct 2019 - Double Betrayal (x2) during Aug-Sept 2018. Hard at work in R! Whole story in Bio
I tend to make little edits for clarity and typos!

posts: 497   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020
id 8649468
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:28 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

IMO, you've written about taking on an attitude that makes for a very good R - or D. You'll be fine either way.

I hope you and your H do R, because that means 2 people heal from this crap. But I think - and I'm very glad - that you're on the way to healing yourself, with or without your H, because your healing is a win for you and for the universe.

Yeah, healing takes a lot longer than anyone wants it to take.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:30 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8649699
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 landclark (original poster Member #70659) posted at 3:37 AM on Monday, April 12th, 2021

Thank you all for your feedback. I appreciate it.

that you're on the way to healing yourself, with or without your H

It’s so hard to think of myself as healing and getting stronger until I have these revelations. I think about it though and the me today is so much different than the me after DDAY. People have even commented that I’m more candid at work, and my humor has come back. Something else I didn’t think of until just now.

I told him I wasn’t giving him any ultimatums, I’m giving myself an ultimatum. There are certain things I need to stop experiencing, certain things I need to start experiencing more of, and if I don’t I have to make some hard choices. It’s that simple.

Exactly! Well said.

(Except that it isn’t that simple. But technically it is. Except, it’s not.

Ha ha. So true. If only it were simple!

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1911   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8649819
Topic is Sleeping.
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