Have you seen that YouTube video by Tyler Perry as Madea, saying if someone wants to walk out of your life, you should let them? He makes a point that some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, not for forever, and we can create problems and heartbreak for ourselves when we try to get seasonal people to stick around as if they were forever people.
My WH crossed the line from friend to 'NOT just a friend" during a time when I was frightened and vulnerable. Before that time, I had spent almost 10 years building myself up from my abusive past. I had been strong, brave, independent, and smart. Nobody told me a thing was impossible. One former BF used to say, "Where the is a WP, there is a way."
At a certain point, my grief began to heal and I started being more like myself. I was ready to go back to school and get back to working on my dreams. I wanted to resume being that woman I had worked so hard to become.
I remember one very confusing and painful conversation with WH at that time, when he told me that he preferred me weak and vulnerable, so he could feel like he had something to protect. \(Not like he really protected me in the end.) He was not in favor of me working through my grief and returning to a place of strength.
I'm not sure if it was the same conversation or a different one, in which he also told me that I was no longer interesting to him because he already had me. According to him, "strange" (his word) is always preferable over a known person. And conquest is always preferable to being comfortable.
Looking back, that was the end of our season, right there. I needed someone to lean on at a certain time (although I am not defending or excusing the timing of when our "friendship" turned sexual. ) After my fiance passed, most of my friends split and I was pretty well alone. But when my need to recover and continue growing started to clash with his need to have me not recovering and growing, that was when the season should have ended. When he grew bored with me because I was no longer "strange," that should have been the end.
I don't rightly know why I kept it going. I just never let go when I should have. Instead, every time he pulled away, I followed. Over time, I became more and more afraid and needy, until I felt like I literally could not live without him, and that is when he started his A. The fact that I was starting to have some career success at the same time I became so bizarrely needy seems important.
I think deep down, I knew being successful would cost me my marriage and I was trying to find a way to hold on.