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General :
Going no contact to save my soul

Topic is Sleeping.
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 PurpleReign (original poster Member #75083) posted at 5:07 PM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

It’s been a very long time since I posted. I’ve been reading and learning so much from all of you here. I decided to block my cheating spouse last night. I just remember hanging up without saying goodbye. Going to messenger on FB and blocking him there first. Then I blocked him on my phone. It just felt 100% right. I ended the false R in December of last year. Set more boundaries and I gave him one last ultimatum to attend sex addiction 12 step program and to hire an CSAT. He attended a phone meeting and in person meeting this week.

You would think this was progress but it was not. He’s been mean and attacking me ever since. Honestly he’s been a complete dick since DDay. But obviously asking him to be accountable and finally get some help was too big of an ask. He’s blameshifted, minimized, accused me of having SA too, you name it he’s done it. It’s more than obvious to me he isn’t R material nor is he capable of empathy.

I blocked him because I’m just plain tired. Tired of the fighting, conflict, hate, animosity, and misery. It’s been a roller coaster for the last 15 months. He dropped the AP immediately and promised to do everything to save the marriage. There was HB. Then one day I just figured out he was full of shit. He wasn’t doing the work and that was at the half way point. Now all he does is get defensive and points the fingers at me.

So I’m deciding to cut off communication and end the madness. There is no point in speaking to a fool. I also have this weird gut feel he’s seeing the AP again or found a new one. He’s acting cocky again just like he did while in the affair. He’s also behaving and talking just like a wayward spouse. He’s still in that mindset. We never left square one.

False R sucks. It just does. What a waste of time. But in the end I’m glad he showed me who he was before I continued to put more work in this empty vessel. I’m working on complete self care. It’s the best thing I can do for myself.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8647634
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Notthevictem ( Member #44389) posted at 5:38 PM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

A lot of times I think offering reconciliation is more about how the betrayed spouse sees themselves than how worthy the wayward spouse is. I know that I for one look to see the best in people, so I like to think it's something along those lines.

That you offered the chance for him to reconcile, I think, only speaks to how you view others and the chance to redeem themselves and how forgiveness works, even when you personally are the one being severely hurt. That says a lot of good things about you, I think, that when you were at your worst you still gave the chance.

So, when you say false r was a waste of time, on one hand I can see what you mean and agree. On the other hand, I think it was also a valuable example of the kind of person you are and is at least worthwhile in that aspect. I'd hope that you don't allow the pain caused from his actions to change who you are as a person.

It's truly a shame he didn't take the opportunity for what it was. I'm wishing you strength!

BH: Me 37
WW: Her 41
DDAY Mar 2014

posts: 13360   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Florida
id 8647649
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 PurpleReign (original poster Member #75083) posted at 5:57 PM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

NotTheVictim thank you so much for your reply. I hope I maintain being an empath as well after all this pain and nonsense. I just reread my old posts. It turns out that what I felt then was correct. That everything everyone said was also correct. Nothing changed at all from that point until now.

You’re right we offer R because it’s something we would hope our spouse would allow us. We also like many have stated here, don’t ask or make sure our spouse is R material in the first place. He never was. I think I had to see this through until I decided I had enough. I know I gave my all. He also benefited from the pandemic. So much has been put on hold including filing and finances.

The best thing I ever could do is go no contact. That’s what everyone was telling me last year. Since December I stopped everything and got off the ride. It was time. Now it’s time to follow through with NC and keep my strength. I can see the end of the tunnel now. I think it was just hard to let 20 years go. It still hurts but I know better things are ahead for me.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 5:57 PM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Notthe: 

So, when you say false r was a waste of time, on one hand I can see what you mean and agree. On the other hand, I think it was also a valuable example of the kind of person you are and is at least worthwhile in that aspect.

I really like this^^

Purple: Be prepared that this is like a tide and your resolve may ebb a bit at some point. One thing that helped me was I would never respond or seek anything out without a required waiting period. (a few hours to a day - I can't remember exactly). After I hit what I believe your resolve is, it never failed that as soon as my waiting period was over, I never once again responded or I even forgot there was a waiting period and it just passed. Same goes for when I considered reaching out to OW.

Stay strong and congrats on this big step!

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8647655
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 PurpleReign (original poster Member #75083) posted at 6:05 PM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Anna123 thank you for the encouragement. Going NC won’t be easy but I know it must be done. I had to get off the crazy train. I noticed the dysfunctional communication is part of a horrible cycle. It just keeps the door open for more bad behavior. I would rather reach out to people here or my friends or go workout than to keep torturing myself. I feel non remorseful waywards get a high off of the attention. I was feeding the beast. Even if most of the conversations from my end were negative it was still giving him negative attention.

All I can do is take it day by day. I have to resist the urge to engage. I’m positive I will start seeing results very quickly of going NC. It’s the only way to go when your spouse is this toxic.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 12:13 AM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

I’ve said this often here, and unfortunately have not yet been successful at finding a way to get recently betrayed spouses to think about or consider it, but R should NOT start when the WS says, “I promise I will change and do the work” but instead, can only happen when the betrayer has actually done that work and can prove it.

Easy for me to say, but if I had just discovered my partner had been cheating, I’d lay down the requirements for trying to start rebuilding with them, and then say:

“let me know when you have completed this work and can prove you are a safe person who I can learn to start trusting again. In the meantime I’ll be hard at work trying to heal myself.

When you are ready and have done at least a year of IC, communicated to everyone we know what you have done and apologized for it, have written a timeline of your A and been polygraphed on it, seen a lawyer to create a postnup, been std tested, dna tested the kids, gotten a new job if you worked with your AP or put in measures to ensure NC forever, and can prove that you only have hate not love and desire in your heart for your AP, then give me a call.

And if I’m still available and can muster the strength to engage with you, I’ll let you know if there is a possibility of reconciliation and rebuilding “

And then I’d stop talking to them for a long while except about finances and kids (if there were any) and just sit back and watch.

It’s so hard to do, but in my opinion it’s the only way to evaluate what’s truly in the heart of my partner and if they truly want to do the work necessary to fix the destruction they have caused.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:15 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

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 PurpleReign (original poster Member #75083) posted at 1:55 AM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

SteveSN I so agree. I couldn’t have said that better. After reading here for a year I noticed most if not all waywards struggle and mostly fail that first year. That first year should be about them getting help and figuring their shit out. It shouldn’t even be a discussion or actions put behind reconciliation until they have proven themselves worthy or safe. I wish the WS could move out and give the BS time and space to show them that R is possible.

The entire time since Dday has been pure torture. Just a lot of dysfunction, lies, broken promises, being blamed, and just overall horrible behavior. My WS has no clue how to stop lying. Has no clue how to be healthy. Has no empathy toward me or holds himself accountable for what he’s done. He’s made everything worse. I don’t know which is worse now, the affair or the aftermath. Today has been mostly peaceful for me. I’ve had moments of sadness and what if’s but mainly I finally have peace. He just wasn’t going to get better. Not without seeing a CSAT, SAA, and lord knows what else. The clock just ran completely out for my WS. I’m tired of the excuses. I had to put an end to the madness.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8647765
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Adira ( Member #77327) posted at 2:06 AM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

Easy for me to say, but if I had just discovered my partner had been cheating, I’d lay down the requirements for trying to start rebuilding with them, and then say:

“let me know when you have completed this work and can prove you are a safe person who I can learn to start trusting again. In the meantime I’ll be hard at work trying to heal myself.

When you are ready and have done at least a year of IC, communicated to everyone we know what you have done and apologized for it, have written a timeline of your A and been polygraphed on it, seen a lawyer to create a postnup, been std tested, dna tested the kids, gotten a new job if you worked with your AP or put in measures to ensure NC forever, and can prove that you only have hate not love and desire in your heart for your AP, then give me a call.

And if I’m still available and can muster the strength to engage with you, I’ll let you know if there is a possibility of reconciliation and rebuilding"

And then I’d stop talking to them for a long while except about finances and kids (if there were any) and just sit back and watch.

It’s so hard to do, but in my opinion it’s the only way to evaluate what’s truly in the heart of my partner and if they truly want to do the work necessary to fix the destruction they have caused.

This needs to be stickied. I wish I'd done this, it would've saved me a whole lot of heartbreak & frustration & my mental health probably wouldn't have taken another dive.

I don’t know which is worse now, the affair or the aftermath.

Agreed.

[This message edited by Adira at 8:11 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

Me BW, STBXWH covert NPD
2 teenage kids
M: 24 years, together 27 years
3x DDays: 08/2017; 10/2017; 02/2018 with the Hobbit Howorker.
False R: 02/2018-12/2020
Currently in IHS

posts: 62   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8647768
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Karmafan ( Member #53810) posted at 8:20 AM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

We offer R because it’s something we would hope our spouse would allow us. We also like many have stated here, don’t ask or make sure our spouse is R material in the first place.

Ultimately, when the WS acts as if they are the ones doing us a favour, that’s when you know R is doomed. The cockiness you describe is what I remember the most about my own doomed (and fortunately short) attempt at R. The arrogance and entitlement. The acting like they are some sort of prize that needed to be won back, not the other way around.

The good news is, it does get better from here. Better not as in less painful, but better in the sense of clarity. And peace. A peace that will feel apocalyptic at first, but will gradually become more and more comfortable, and nurturing. What starts as a ground 0, will be a blank canvas for you to write the rest of your life on.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 2:27 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8647800
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 8:55 AM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

I learned a long time ago you can't change someone .Only they can change themselves.You can control only yourself and the people you allow into your life.When I was where you are I remember having that similar dialogue in my head.I can either stay or walk a day from this.What ever they do is on them.I had to hang up on my son's father as well.We weren't together but he still did everything you just listed and then some.Through our son he would continue to cut me down,blame shift and gaslight me.I finally got to the point when he called to discuss our child to cut him off when he started to let me know what my flaws were.Didn't get upset or anything.More indifferent.I would say "Are we done talking about (insert son's name here).He would say yes.I would then say "Ok have a nice day"and hang up.Now that my son is an adult I don't talk to him if I can help it.I drove my son to the hospital once and he ended up having his appendix out.I did the courtesy of contacting his dad to let him know what was going on and in true form he was angry with me.Apparently our son's appendix issue was all my fault again and yep I am a horrible human being.It was a nice reminder as to why I avoid him like the plague.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8647801
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 8:55 AM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

[This message edited by Bonetired at 2:58 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8647802
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 8:55 AM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

[This message edited by Bonetired at 2:57 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
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 PurpleReign (original poster Member #75083) posted at 6:49 AM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

Bonetired that’s the best way to deal with them. They love the drama. They love seeing us unhappy or stressed out. Because it feeds into their narcissism. Any attention is better than no attention. The worst thing you can do to this type is ignore them, move on without them and just live life. They love the toxicity. I see that now. I think my WS feels that if he’s unhappy I should be unhappy too. It’s all a sick game to them and they will continue to do it as long as we engage with them. I’m just getting tired of this crazy ride he’s on. This isn’t easy at all but it must be done.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8647956
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 PurpleReign (original poster Member #75083) posted at 6:56 AM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

Karma fan it’s that sense of entitlement that just pushed me over the edge. My WS actually had the nerve to say I had things to work on too. As if I cheated or had SA. It was absolutely absurd. He also treats me like I’m the one who asked for the second chance. I did not. I never pushed for the marriage to work but he did. Fact is they want us to rug sweep, forget anything ever happened, and just move on with the problems. The same irrational thinking that led them to cheating is the exact same thinking that creates a fake R.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8647957
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 10:16 AM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

It's exhausting as well isn't it.Always feeling pushed by this type.Always second guessing yourself.Even if he stopped cheating it sounds like he would continue his abusive behavior with you.Sounds like the infidelity was only part of the problem.They are like soul vampires sucking the life out of you .I remember feeling like an empty shell at the end of that relationship.A drained battery.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8647961
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Karmafan ( Member #53810) posted at 3:21 PM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

Fact is they want us to rug sweep, forget anything ever happened, and just move on with the problems. The same irrational thinking that led them to cheating is the exact same thinking that creates a fake R

He doesn’t sound like R material at all. If you stay, you’ll get more resentful by the day and he’ll become annoyed because you just can’t let go. It’s a potentially lethal combination and that’s why false reconciliations can be so incredibly damaging. Because there is effectively a role reversal and you end up doing the chasing. You are the one walking on eggshells trying not to upset him, even if you are dying inside. Sometimes, you just need to throw the towel. Glad you have come to the same conclusion Purple Reign.

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8647983
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 PurpleReign (original poster Member #75083) posted at 3:46 PM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

Bonetired it is very exhausting. There were definitely more problems besides the cheating. I think it just puts the spotlight on how toxic and dysfunctional they really are. The cheating was the end of a very long toxic rope in this marriage. He’s betrayed me in many other ways before so sadly the cheating was inevitable but I was blindsided by the timing. I was blindsided at how cunning and how easily deceptive he was. The cheating fit him like a glove. It is very draining. The constant gaslighting, lying, and blameshifting was just too much. Going NC is bringing a lot of clarity to me. I’m seeing the good, the bad and the ugly. It helps me put everything in perspective. I know what I truly need now. I refuse to be part of his sick circus.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8647987
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 PurpleReign (original poster Member #75083) posted at 3:59 PM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

Karmafan he’s definitely not R material. That much is clear I also agree 100% that he tried to reverse roles on me. I noticed it happening gradually. It started to be about me doing the work as if I was the cheater asking for R. It was ridiculous and I would call him out immediately because the way my attitude is set up I don’t allow gaslighting. I value myself too much to allow nonsense. This fool was beginning to think he was the prize. That I was the one begging for another chance. It was hilarious and absurd at the same time. The pure audacity 🤣

Nope I’m the prize in this relationship and I remind him that no it’s your trash behavior that got us here so deal with that.

I feel so much better reaching out here and getting this all out. I’ve been handling this on my own. I’m honestly tired of going to counseling to tell me what I already know. Because of years of therapy in my past I know the only way past trauma is to walk right through it. It takes time, self care, confidence, and the belief that you will be ok on the other side. I refuse to be his victim. I’ve truly been there and done that. I’m taking this time to remember and examine how I chose and tolerated a man with no character or integrity. I already have those answers. I just have to use the knowledge now.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8647989
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Shehawk ( Member #68741) posted at 12:49 AM on Monday, April 5th, 2021

I feel so very much better when I do not see him or communicate with h at all.

Every act I took to try to save my marriage while he was an unrepentant cheater was like him getting me to dig my own grave with a tiny shovel dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight (Joker) while the band played and the Titanic was sinking rapidly. All I had to do was say no and step off the boat. It was moored to the dock all along and all I had to do was walkaway and save myself.

I agree completely with Steven and think he deserves a sticky note for his advice.

Hearty yes to NC with unrepentant cheaters.

posts: 779   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8648091
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 4:04 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

What I learned after my experience it's best to go no contact after a relationship with a narcissist ends.Some ex's want to be friends and that is ok if they are a mentally healthy human being that won't mindf*"k afterwards.However those with narcissistic tendencies use that friendship as a shoe in to continue their control over you.Thus the abuse will continue.They don't understand healthy boundaries and will continue to cross your's thinking it's their right because you are after all an extension of them and they aren't hurt by it why are you?It makes me question at what part in their development were they damaged.It's a very toddler type mentality.In some ways my experience has tought me a lot and has helped me to curtail the damage and end those relationships early enough on before the damageis done.I am glad you are going no contact with this individual.He will most likely attempt to cross that boundary though.Maybe study up on narcissistic behaviors and how to deal with those that have it.There is a lot of good material out there.For me it was pretty eye opening.Whether someone chooses to leave or stay with someone who is this way is up to them.Learning how to deal with this,what to expect and how to handle it is very helpful.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 10:15 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8649675
Topic is Sleeping.
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