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How to remove AP from life when you can't fully remove them?

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CLuvG posted 3/31/2021 16:08 PM

Hi everyone. This is my first post on this site. I've been posting quite a bit on another forum, but the main group there is betrayed spouses. I didn't realize that when I first posted there. It just so happened to be one of the first sites to come up on Google. They've been incredibly helpful and surprisingly didn't tell me to f*** off and never post there again. I think their experience and perspective from the other side is very helpful for me. But right now I need the perspective or experience of fellow "waywards." It still feels weird calling myself that. I never thought I'd have an affair. I'm sure most of us probably don't.

I'm not going to type my whole story out right now because it'll take all day and nobody wants to read an essay about my affair. I can provide more info if needed.

I'm a 30 year old woman married to my husband for 7 years. We've been together for 12 years, since we were both 18. Our marriage has been rocky for the past 1.5-2 years, I won't get into all the reasons why right now.

I began what I now know the have been an emotional affair for a male friend who I've known for nearly as long as I've known my husband. I didn't realize that's what it was at the time, but it's clear to me now. That went on for about 2 months, then it turned physical and lasted for about another 4 months.

I then found out I was pregnant. I was on birth control but didn't use condoms with my husband or the OM. Since I didn't get periods, I didn't know how far along I was or when I might have conceived. OM and I were having sex about 1-2 times a week on average, My husband and I were having sex very sporadically. We were usually too pissed off at each other to want to sleep with each other, but it still happened. The doctor confirmed the pregnancy and thought I might be nearing the end of the 1st trimester. At an ultrasound I found out I was only about 7 weeks pregnant, but with twins. There are already 2 sets of twins in my family and I've always hoped and dreamed to have twins of my own. I knew almost immediately that I was keeping these babies and that I would most likely be doing it alone. I never once considered hiding the affair from my husband and telling him that he was the father. Based on the dates, it seemed like OM was the only possibility as far as the father went.

Upon confessing to my husband, he immediately said he wanted a divorce. Shockingly the other man told me he was happy and wanted to leave his wife to be with me, to be together and raise our babies. I'd expected him to run the other way. I let myself entertain the idea of us being together. But I'm not in love with him. We never talked about leaving our spouses to be in a real realtionship together before. I don't really want to start a real relationship off the back of an affair and force anything because of an unplanned pregnancy.

I'll admit I was in the "affair fog" for a while. I laughed when people told me about it, but now I know it's a real thing. I couldn't completely close the window on the possibility of being with OM. I don't know if it was desperation or what. But over the past few weeks I've rediscovered my love for my husband. We aren't talking about reconciling right now and it is likely not really an option for us. Our marriage had a lot of issues that would still need to be worked out in addition to the affair and pregnancy. The only good news is that I've learned there is a small but real chance my husband may be the father, according to my doctor. I've started praying every day that he is - not so he'll be with me or anything, but because I know he's a good man and will be a good father. I still think divorce is more likely even if he is the father. But the important thing is that I want to try to repair our relationship based on what it is now. I want to be able to express true remorse to him. I want to be open to him and help him heal. Ideally, I wish there could be some chance even if down the road that we might be able to reconcile one day, but that's not my choice to make and if OM is the father of these babies then it could be asking far too much of my husband and I understand that.

But what I need to do right now is remove OM from my life as much as I can given the circumstances. We have not had a physical relationship since I told him of the pregnancy. That's the last time I saw him in person. He was briefly kicked out by his wife, but convinced her to let him come back home "for the sake of their daughter." He told me she let him come home on the condition that he doesn't see or speak to me. We continued to talk, but it wasn't like it used to be. I had bigger concerns than talking dirty to him and getting off. Meanwhile, that seems to be where his thoughts toward me have remained. He still messages me to ask how I am, how the babies are, and also to tell me how much he wants me sexually. I have not been engaging him in the sexual conversations.

My problem is that if the babies are OM's, I will be assisting my husband and his lawyer with getting my husband's name absolved from being their legal father. He shouldn't have to be on the hook for kids that aren't his. In the eyes of the court, the ideal solution will be for my husband to take the appropriate legal steps to challenge paternity, but for OM to petition the court to establish himself as the father at the same time. Right now, he says that's what he plans to do; however, he only ever speaks of it as us being together and parenting them together. I have no intention of preventing him from being involved in their lives, but it won't be a situation of us being together. I'm worried if I completely shut him down now, he'll get pissed off and decide to be difficult once they are born and I need him to petition the court, take a DNA test, etc. Even if he does cooperate with everything legally, he'll be in my life in some way basically forever.

So how do I go about removing him from my life as much as I can right now while things are completely up in the air. I don't feel I can afford to completely alienate him but I don't want to lead him on or engage in any sort of emotional affair or anything that might be miscontrued as such. What sort of things should I tell him? Should I explain all of these feelings to him and just have no contact with him until the babies are born and a paternity test is performed? I want him out of my life right now while I work on connecting with my husband.

[This message edited by CLuvG at 4:43 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

HellFire posted 3/31/2021 16:35 PM

Message him, with your husband approving the message before its sent. Tell him he is not to have any contact with you,in any way. That once the babies are born, a paternity test can be done and then it will be decided how he will be in the children's lives. Until then, absolutely NC.

And message his wife, and tell her her husband has continued to contact you,and send her a copy of the message you sent him.

Then block him on everything.

src9043 posted 3/31/2021 17:01 PM

If the AP is the biological father you obviously won't be able to remove the AP from your life unless he agrees to do so. It doesn't sound that way now. I don't know your husband but I would say the vast majority of men would move for divorce rather having to swallow raising an AP's children. Also, the AP would never be out of both of your lives if he were to stay. Thus, your infidelity would be a constant reminder to him. If that is the case, you should do everything in your power to facilitate a painless divorce between the two of you. Let him go and express your deep sadness and remorse for what happened. If by chance, your husband is the father, he might have a change of heart and a reconciliation might be possible at some point down the line. It would take tremendous work on both your parts. Your marriage wasn't working when you decided to have an affair and your decision to do such a reckless and irresponsible act would have to be dealt with in therapy. You have screwed up, with the full cooperation of the AP, two families. Not only have you deeply injured your husband, but you have also, most likely, destroyed another family. Bad enough you cheated on your husband, but why in hell would you pick a married man who has children? This was a conscious choice. So is deciding to keep the children. You will have to deal with the fallout. You have a lot of work to do to become a righteous person and mother.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/31/2021 17:23 PM

You don't need to wait until the babies are born. Noninvasive prenatal paternity (NIPP) testing is highly accurate and can be performed from the 8th week of pregnancy. All you need is blood samples from yourself, your husband and the AP. If your husband is proven to be the father, you'll never have to speak to the AP again.

CLuvG posted 3/31/2021 17:25 PM

Message him, with your husband approving the message before its sent. Tell him he is not to have any contact with you,in any way. That once the babies are born, a paternity test can be done and then it will be decided how he will be in the children's lives. Until then, absolutely NC.
And message his wife, and tell her her husband has continued to contact you,and send her a copy of the message you sent him.

Then block him on everything.

Interesting idea to have my husband approve the message beforehand.

So far there's been no contact between me and the wife. It has some people, including myself, wondering if he's even told her that I'm pregnant. I was anticipating that she'd confront me but I haven't heard a thing. I am wary about contacting her at all right now.

Ariopolis posted 3/31/2021 17:30 PM

What Hellfire said, only maybe your BH should be the one to contact her, considering how badly you have hurt her.

CLuvG posted 3/31/2021 17:31 PM

You don't need to wait until the babies are born. Noninvasive prenatal paternity (NIPP) testing is highly accurate and can be performed from the 8th week of pregnancy. All you need is blood samples from yourself, your husband and the AP. If your husband is proven to be the father, you'll never have to speak to the AP again.

Unfortunately, the non-invasive paternity testing is not available for twins. Apparently the method that is used to isolate the baby's DNA in the mother's blood does not work for twins. If this was an option I would definitely do it. The only prenatal options I have are invasive tests, like an amniocentesis. My doctor will not perform an amnio for me to find out paternity. If I was able to find a doctor that would I'd have to pay several thousands out of pocket. I have considered it, but I'm very scared of the risks which are increased with a twin pregnancy. I don't think I could cope with the guilt if something happened to them because I got myself into a situation where I needed to have an invasive test to find out who the father is. My doctor said that I can elect to have an amnio to screen for chromosomal abnormalities and in that case she would agree to send a sample to a DNA lab for me to have a paternity test run, but she would be very uncomfortable about it and does not suggest it from a medical standpoint since I have no risk factors at this time. I would still have to pay out of pocket as well since it would be elective.

Believe me, I wish there was a way to know right now. Even if the father is the AP, which is most likely and is what I'm preparing myself for, at least we could all know andmove forward with that definite knowledge. It also breaks my heart to think that if my husband is the father, we're not sharing any of it together. At this time, neither man is going to be there for the birth.

Freeme posted 3/31/2021 20:18 PM

I had an Amino done for my twins (Adv maturnal age pg). It was done through an IVF facility and Insurance paid for it..

Are the twins identical? Mine weren't so it was the same odds as having a singleton (different sacks). The odds of a miscarrage are listed as - less than 1%, or approximately 1 in 1000 to 1 in 43000.

GiveTimeTime posted 3/31/2021 20:32 PM

Betrayed wife here. No stop sign, so here comes the 2x4ís. I hope this is allowed.

Here you are. This is called consequences. You have emotionally/psychologically completely screwed a lot of completely innocent people. Your husband, your APís wife, your APís daughter, and probably your unborn children.

All that misery, that will reverberate for decades, just because you thought you were entitled to some extra cock. Sorry, but thatís really what it boils down to. In the interest of trying to make this constructive for the purposes of this website, have you learned anything that might make you try to be less selfish in the future?

CLuvG posted 3/31/2021 21:11 PM

I had an Amino done for my twins (Adv maturnal age pg). It was done through an IVF facility and Insurance paid for it..
Are the twins identical? Mine weren't so it was the same odds as having a singleton (different sacks). The odds of a miscarrage are listed as - less than 1%, or approximately 1 in 1000 to 1 in 43000.

We can't know for sure if my twins are fraternal or identical unless I have a prenatal test done, which my insurance doesn't cover at this time, or a test after birth. But I'm pretty sure they're fraternal since that's what runs in my family. Also, they have separate sacs and placentas. The risk, at least for this type of twin, is greater than for singletons. It's not a dramatically greater risk, but I'm still very nervous about it. If there was a legitimate medical reason and my doctor felt I needed to have it done then I would, but I'd still be nervous.

I am thinking of discussing the idea of an amnio with my husband to get his input. We haven't talked very much but we are planning to meet this weekend to go over divorce paperwork and I hope to talk to him about some other things as well.

RealityBlows posted 3/31/2021 21:39 PM

Betrayed Spouse here. (No stop sign). I will try and respond compassionately without judgment.

First off, you may want to put up a stop sign if you prefer Wayward feedback.

I believe youíve come to the best place on the WWW for advice. The Posters here in this section are excellent. There are many wise and experienced Ex Waywards who post here who have impressive insight and clarity of thought. They should be able to help you healthfully reframe and get priorities in order.

Currently, youíre most likely a hot mess of conflicting emerging and latent emotions for BS, for AP, all meshing together with new and powerful maternal emotions.

I would first make sure that youíre in good safe environment. I would do everything possible to reduce stress and avoid acrimony. This should include full disclosure, honesty and transparency with everyone involved including yourself. Above all be honest with yourself. If your husband becomes abusive/violent or overly emotional, to a degree it is harmful to the babies, find safe refuge. Safe refuge in a neutral environment (Not with the AP) until things cool off.

Your priorities should be:

-Your safety. Fetal safety. Ensure your OB is aware of your situation and the stress you are currently under.
-Full disclosure and transparency
-Support BS from a position of safety.

-Stop the Affair. You are still married. Affairs are toxic and stress inducing to you, your babies, and your husband. Your AP should understand this. If he cares about your well-being he should back off. Get his identification then go NC. Does your AP deserve to know how youíre progressing through the pregnancy? If youíre considering R, I would work that out with your husband if it becomes an issue. Otherwise, Iíd ensure NC.
-Be absolutely honest with yourself and your husband and the AP.
-Donít try and manipulate AP or BS to achieve a certain desired outcome.
-Get a good IC who specializes in infidelity.
-Get an attorney if D is on the table.
-Do some serious soul searching with the help of an IC to find your path through this, to find your Why, and to find out what you truly want and need going forward. Your attorney, OB and your IC will guide you through this.

-Establish Paternity as soon as safe. One of these men will become a Co-Parent to some degree. Establishing paternity and processing the truth of the A will help your BS decide his fate.

-Be extremely careful about your co-parenting plan. I would not pursue or sustain a romantic relationship with anyone you are not truly in-love with just because you think they might be a good father. Donít make concessions regarding true love just to facilitate a co-parenting relationship. If you conclude that youíre not sufficiently in a mutually loving relationship with either your husband or your AP, then pursue a loving relationship with yourself until the time is right, until youíre all right, and until the right man comes along and you and your IC conclude that you are a safe life partner.

-Children need to be raised in a wholesome, stable, loving environment. If your AP, husband or future significant other can not help maintain this nurturing environment then raise your babies alone in an environment you have control over with co-parent involvement to a degree that helps maintain this environment.

-I would not try and R just for the sake of raising the twins. Children will be adversely affected by false R, by any toxicity in your relationship. I would pursue genuine R or an amicable D.

-I would be VERY cautious pursuing a definitive romantic relationship borne from an A with your AP. If your AP is the father then pursue a non-romantic co-parenting relationship. Anything more is very risky. Whatever sort of relationship you pursue with the father, it should be genuine, based on honesty and provide for a healthy nurturing environment.

RealityBlows posted 3/31/2021 21:39 PM

Duplicate Post

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:40 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

CLuvG posted 3/31/2021 21:42 PM

Betrayed wife here. No stop sign, so here comes the 2x4ís. I hope this is allowed.
Here you are. This is called consequences. You have emotionally/psychologically completely screwed a lot of completely innocent people. Your husband, your APís wife, your APís daughter, and probably your unborn children.

All that misery, that will reverberate for decades, just because you thought you were entitled to some extra cock. Sorry, but thatís really what it boils down to. In the interest of trying to make this constructive for the purposes of this website, have you learned anything that might make you try to be less selfish in the future?

Ok I suppose I deserved that. I know I/we were selfish. I don't have any excuses. I made a lot of excuses for it during the affair and I made excuses after. I'm out of excuses now. I know I screwed up. I wasn't thinking about anyone else at the time. I'm not really sure what else to say.

I'm trying to be a better person. I recently started therapy to figure out what is wrong with me that allowed me to let myself do this. I'm preparing to express my remorse to my husband, to give him anything he needs, tell him anything he wants to know, do whatever I can.

BraveSirRobin posted 4/1/2021 01:05 AM

Unfortunately, the non-invasive paternity testing is not available for twins.
Ah, I see. That is unfortunate. I understand why you're reluctant about the amnio. I had to do one for genetic testing (not paternity), and it terrified me. I was so afraid that I'd get the all-clear just as I started to miscarry.

I'm worried if I completely shut him down now, he'll get pissed off and decide to be difficult once they are born and I need him to petition the court, take a DNA test, etc. Even if he does cooperate with everything legally, he'll be in my life in some way basically forever.
If what he wants is for the two of you to be together, he's going to be upset when it doesn't play out that way regardless of whether you wait to make it clear. There's really no point in trying to placate him temporarily. All it does is interfere with any possibility of reconciliation with his wife (which it sounds like she's willing to consider as long as he's NC with you.)

I'm not trying to sling 2x4s, but it is way past time to put the OBS's needs ahead of your own. You slept with her husband because it was beneficial to you. Now you're trying to convince yourself that it's ok to participate in deceiving her about NC because her husband's future legal cooperation will be beneficial to you. I know you're under a lot of stress and taking a lot of emotional hits, but you chose this, and she didn't. You're still choosing it.

You know that she's let him back in the house because he's promised to reform for the sake of their child. You also know that in actuality, he's still trying to reignite your sexual connection and angling to abandon her and their child for you and yours. You know there's a possibility you're carrying his babies, which for many OBS would be an absolute dealbreaker, and you've done nothing to ensure she's aware of it. His current behavior is as despicable as his past, arguably even more so, and just because you aren't engaging in sex talk doesn't mean you aren't still his partner in crime.

I know you can't jump in a time machine and undo the past. I believe you want to act with integrity in the future. You can't do that with one foot in and one foot out. You have to fully commit to it and absorb the consequences.

RealityBlows posted 4/1/2021 02:51 AM

Should you placate him or worry about shutting him down?

Well, if heís the father heís paying child support regardless. It would be really nice if he does follow through and petitions the court for paternity and you avoid further legal entanglements but, what happens if he decides to flake or just totally bail on you, like he did with his betrothed? Is he someone you can depend on to provide consistent support for the next 18-20 years? Help with college? Make your children the beneficiaries of his life insurance? With court ordered child support wonít he be more accountable? If he petitions for paternity will the courts order a child support plan?

Is what youíre risking worth the gain? Youíre risking prolonging an affair, continuing a relationship on false pretenses, jeopardizing chances for R for both couples, keeping everyone in infidelity and limbo.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:59 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]

RealityBlows posted 4/1/2021 02:51 AM

Another double post. Slow Internet tonight.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:53 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 4/1/2021 03:38 AM

Am a betrayed here, and I read your thread on the other forum, so have some idea of your background.

I agree with what BSR posted, and will add on a little bit.

You posted:

But the important thing is that I want to try to repair our relationship based on what it is now. I want to be able to express true remorse to him. I want to be open to him and help him heal. Ideally, I wish there could be some chance even if down the road that we might be able to reconcile one day,

The quoted sentences smack on insincerity, as you follow up with the fact that you are still sexting your AP, which means that you are still in your A, as it never stopped because it is not beneficial to you.

To me, this reads like you are trying to keep all YOUR options viable. Still controlling everyone around you to make sure that YOUR (and only your) interests are met at the end of everything.

You are not worried about anyone else but yourself.

The only way you will ever be able to get your AP out of your life, is when you stop being selfish. As it is now, you will come up with every excuse to keep the AP in your life.... until it does not suit your needs anymore.

annb posted 4/1/2021 04:52 AM

Hi, BS here, honestly, if you truly wanted the AP out of your life, he'd be gone at least temporarily until the twins are born.

I feel for his wife because she is clueless that her husband continues to communicate with you, and I think it would be a good idea for your husband to inform his wife that he is still lying. Nothing good will come out of continued communication, all you need to do is cut the cord, it's really not fair to your husband, the AP, and the AP's devastated wife.

Removing the AP from your life is easy, I don't think you are ready to do that. You do not owe the AP ANY explanation. None.

fareast posted 4/1/2021 07:39 AM

CLuvG:

Just a note: you mentioned wanting input from fellow wayward s. If that is true you may want to ask the mods to put up a stop sign. I am a BH and I agree with much of what Hellfire recommended. You have been on a path of self discovery which I commend. Getting the AP out of your life to the extent possible (assuming he is the twins father) is the best path forward as you work on your own issues. Whether you and your BH decide to try and recover your M or not, the most important thing is to continue to work on understanding yourself and become the best person you can be, and of course a great mom for your twins. Good luck.

nekonamida posted 4/1/2021 07:45 AM

I followed your other thread on the other forum and I chose not to post because everything I could say lines up with what BSR and RocketRaccoon.

Remorse is some ways off for you. First, it requires full honesty. Have you been honest with your BH about the ongoing contact you have had with OM? Even the sexual component whether you participated or not? If not, the focus is still on yourself and evading consequences. Not your BH and his healing. This is normal. Remorse takes work. Look around here and you will see that most WSes take 6 months to 1 year in R, IC, and with much effort to reach true remorse so focus on the steps rather than something performative in the moment for your BH.

Second, everyone is right about OBS. Honesty includes getting her in the know too. Honestly, the way you spoke for her in your other thread upset me because you don't really know what's best for her. It's absolutely not false R with the OM while he pines after you. So everything said about her sounds insincere and like a justification.

Thirdly, how sure are you about wanting to be with your BH? If the answer isn't unequivocally 110%, let him go. Stop begging him. Make the D process easy on him. That might get easier after he's aware that you have not been NC with OM but he needs to know. He deserves to know. And if he finds out later from someone other than you like OBS, any chance of R will be gone for good.

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