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What a mess

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Unrealized posted 3/25/2021 02:24 AM

Hoping to sign the separation forms this week. It feels like yesterday that we were married...d day was Jan 1st and now 3 months on my world has changed. The kids are coping but are struggling, they are sleeping in my room and stress if I am not around. I feel gutted for them. I canít believe their mother would walk out on them for someone else. I am trying to keep healthy but had a few bad nights sleep which weakens my resolve. I have been pretty good at staying involved in things but just this week have started avoiding social situations. How do you get through these periods?

TwoDozen posted 3/25/2021 03:34 AM

So sorry youíre here bud. Dday for me was 15 months ago and sometimes I feel like I wish Iíd moved straight to S/D than trying to R

3 months is so early in the process but know that you will feel better. But by bit, day by day and that the pain does get less slowly but surely.

If you are not doing so already keep a journal to track your progress and take care of yourself, workout, eat healthy, and focus on the kids

Wishing you strength brother 👊🏻

Tigersrule77 posted 3/25/2021 09:16 AM

How do you get through these periods?

I wish I had a secret or two to share. I would say just hard work and perseverance. Knowing that things will become better and as you adjust to this new normal, it will become easier.

You can do it. If you have friends or family around, don't be afraid to ask for help. You are dealing with a lot. Asking for help shouldn't be a bad thing.

nekonamida posted 3/25/2021 15:27 PM

Do they have a school counselor? Call them and alert them to what is going on. See about having your kids talk to them or another IC. Reach out to friends and family if you have not already and lean on them for support during this time. Is there a hobby that the group of you can do together? Try starting a weekly or monthly tradition of doing it. The routine and having something to look forward to helps.

Shehawk posted 3/25/2021 23:20 PM

I just wanted to say I am so sorry this is happening. As a mom I would take a bullet for my child so I have no explanation for why a mom would make that sort of choice.

It was nothing you or the kids did. That's for certain.

I can honestly say that if I was someone's neighbor or in their church/synagog or otherwise knew them and something like this happened, I would offer to stay with the kids when needed, make them a meal or maybe get the kids an age appropriate gift....something to try to help.

I bet there are people in your life who would like to offer help and comfort too. This is an aweful and hard situation. I am really sorry you are going through it.

Shehawk posted 3/25/2021 23:24 PM

"If you are not doing so already keep a journal to track your progress and take care of yourself, workout, eat healthy, and focus on the kids"

This sort of stuff really helped me.

Unrealized posted 3/27/2021 03:19 AM

Thanks so much. Iím not as angry as I was before just starting to feel really sad. Our marriage was pretty good until this happened, yes we had ups and downs but overall it was pretty good until something changed for her. Itís all a bit unreal.

Unrealized posted 4/1/2021 03:40 AM

As of today we are legally separated. I haven't spoke to my WW since I discovered the affair. Her main goal lately has been to get the separation order done, and get the cash (settlement). At no time has there been any hint of guilt or empathy to how I am handling the whole situation. It is truly bizarre how this has turned out. She used to be such a loving caring person and now she treats me like I am a piece of shit. She told the kids that we have had a misunderstanding. Either I am completely bonkers and just over-reacting to her secret meetings with her boss (at least 7 months), that involved meeting for "drinks" & a spa(s) or she is in a deep affair fog. I just done get it...She really doesnt get how she has hurt me!

TwoDozen posted 4/1/2021 04:53 AM

So sorry to read your updates @unrealized it really is very difficult to get your head around when the person you thought you knew changes overnight. But from what I read you are at least avoiding false R which I think in the end you will be grateful for.

Wishing you all the best 👊🏻

SlapNutsABingo posted 4/1/2021 08:40 AM

How old are your children?

Unrealized posted 4/1/2021 10:19 AM

The kids are 10 and 12. They are my focus now, I donít know what I would have done without them. Itís so hard to watch them go through this though.

Unrealized posted 4/1/2021 10:20 AM

The kids are 10 and 12. They are my focus now, I donít know what I would have done without them. Itís so hard to watch them go through this though.

SlapNutsABingo posted 4/1/2021 12:54 PM

They are old enough for you to keep the original narrative going. Don't let her change the story and whitewash what happened.

katmandude54 posted 4/4/2021 14:05 PM

"I canít believe their mother would walk out on them for someone else."
Happens all the time brother. Age, length of marriage, promises, none of it matters.
My STBXW walked out 26 years into our marriage, leaving me with three kids (then 9, 15 and 19) to move in with her (STILL MARRIED) AP. That was 2016. Cut to now, divorce is 7-months in, we have a court date in May, and this is finally going to be over. The kids (now 15, 21 and 25) know what happened, they heard the details, heard the arguing, know she's with the AP. He son won't speak to her, her daughter only has relations because she's paying her car insurance and cell phone, and the little one has only been to see her mom three times since the start of 2020.
You will get through it, takes time, practice, patience, calm, meditation, stalwartness, grace, humility and self-respect. THAT part of your life is done, finished, over, don't fret it, don't worry it, don't linger on the bad, nothing you can do about it now (or likely ever). Just. Keep. Moving. Forward.

Marz posted 4/4/2021 16:05 PM

Her affair trumps everything. You, the marriage, family
/kids doesnít mean a thing do her.

A good dose of truth to everyone is a good thing.

Marz posted 4/4/2021 16:06 PM

She told the kids that we have had a misunderstanding.

Tell the kids the truth. Itís not your job to hide her affair.

Minnesota posted 4/4/2021 16:47 PM

I remember the "abyss." I felt like my hair was on fire. Couldn't concentrate. A low or high or medium level of anxiety all the time.

I don't agree with Marz. That person will always be their mother. She might be the worst form of bitch tits known to man. But she is still their mother. And I believe that time will show her out. But it won't be you that does it, it will be her own selfishness and disregard and immaturity. You walk the high road. Every time. Walk the high road. When you're on the other side of this, you can say you did everything with your integrity intact.

A few things I did:
- I said "yes" to ANYTHING someone invited me to. Didn't matter what it was. I said yes. (If I wasn't with my kid.) One of the ridiculous things I went to was a "meet up" for a discussion on friendships for people over 40 at a Chinese restaurant.
- I was proactive about telling my friends what I needed. "I need to not be alone today. Can we go get a beverage?"
- A friend of mine who is a pastor told me to go ahead and grieve. And mourn. And sit in the ashes and be broken. It's ok. You ARE broken. Don't get up until you're ready. That doesn't mean you don't have to function day to day.
- I filtered all my decisions through the question, "What's best for my son?" It's not about me.
- Tushnurse told me to have my good cry and shout and scream and wail. But NOT in front of my son. He doesn't need that kind of stress. I believed her and I think it made a lot of difference. Model appropriate coping in front of your kids. They can know you're sad. it's ok to be sad and hurt and mad. But we still manage day to day.
- I had to tell myself that the woman who had the affair and left was not the woman I married. The woman I married no longer existed. Alien abduction or whatever, she no longer existed.
- I was deliberate about trying to define what gives me life. What do I enjoy? And do those things. Even if it seems dry and lame at first.
- Her business is her business and your business is yours. She will spin the story how she wants to spin it to her people. You will spin it how you want to for your people. Doesn't matter what you say to your friends. Doesn't matter what she says to her friends.
- She probably can't accept the emotional shame if she were to actually look at and understand what she is putting your through. I would write that one off.
- I say that, but are you intending to give her a chance to come back if she renounces her affair? Or is D a pretty forgone conclusion? -
- I learned to recognize and appreciate the stages of grief. When I got pissed, I would realize that it was a stage of grief and I let it be there and eventually, the sadness, the anger, the disbelief, etc., came in less intense and less frequent waves.

You will get through this. We had a saying when I was around here going through my abyss period. "When you're going through hell, keep going." It gets better. It's a shit sandwich, but eventually you swallow the last bite and it's just a bad taste in your mouth that eventually dissipates. It takes a while. You're in for a slog. It's not easy, but you keep going and you keep posting here and you keep yourself focused on the hope you have in knowing you WILL get through this.

We are with you
-

BetrayedGamer posted 4/4/2021 21:59 PM

- I had to tell myself that the woman who had the affair and left was not the woman I married. The woman I married no longer existed. Alien abduction or whatever, she no longer existed.

OMG this is the best advice. As soon as I accepted this explanation and treated the grieving more like a death of someone I loved, I stopped agonizing over reconciliation and focusing forward. I even said it to her directly and she didn't disagree.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 9:59 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

katmandude54 posted 4/5/2021 11:25 AM

"- I had to tell myself that the woman who had the affair and left was not the woman I married. The woman I married no longer existed. Alien abduction or whatever, she no longer existed."

Kinda along the same lines; At one point I told my STBXW that she "was just someone I used to know." She REALLY hated that, pointed to all the "good times" we had. I said those times were now obsolete and no longer operational. About half-way through the past five years of separation/divorce she called and begged to come back. "nope, no, uh-uh, no freaking way, not if you were the last breathing, sentient female on Earth." She got the picture.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/5/2021 11:34 AM

Mine is still living in fantasy land that she's going to live happily ever after with her 30 year old online crush. She tells everyone within earshot how miserable she was, and posts on FB memes everyday about forgetting your past and how the future is bright. It's infuriating, she was not so miserable the last 7 years, or she should get an academy award for her acting job of hiding it. I know the guilt is already eating at her, and it's only going to get worse (especially when this dude gets bored of her).

She's even planned a trip out to Michigan to visit him (with her parents) before the divorce will be finalized. Real classy!

Again, the woman I married was kind, cared about what people thought of her, had a moral compass. This woman now is none of those things. I think when people in our situation accept this fact, it gets easier to accept and focus forward on the practical matters of getting out of the situation. You can't bring back the past when the person that past was with is no longer around.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 11:35 AM, April 5th (Monday)]

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