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Married for 20 years. My gut was throwing all kinds of red flags for 10 months. Discovered my husband was having a very covert Emotional Affair with a coworker he had worked with for 5 years. He is her manager. He gave her a hefty raise, promotion, positioned her in the office so she was always close to him. Upon confrontation, he states, "I'm not having an affair, but I'll stop." That was Feb. 10th. Since he has moved her away from his office, placed a photo of us on his desk, has asked me to go on his work trips and has had this new "want to make the marriage work". Here we are today and I feel like a probation officer some days, he denies everything...except that he left me alone a lot, that our marriage is weak, that he let it get that way for him and he makes little comments like he realizes he went against his beliefs, only when he feels safe in conversation. I am angry and feel like he handed a big ol pile of poo that I have to work through. Is this normal?

I hope this does not offend anyone but several years ago I ask every man of my acquaintance who is heterosexual what he thought when he saw an attractive woman. Every one of them honestly said they thought about sex. Most of them said it was very quickly over but it was there. There is no way your husband was not thinking about sex with this woman. Whether he acted on it or not there was a whole lot of sexual tension there and that’s what you picked up. He needs to get her away from him completely. Until then your Spidey senses are going to be on alert all the time.

I hope this does not offend anyone but several years ago I ask every man of my acquaintance who is heterosexual what he thought when he saw an attractive woman. Every one of them honestly said they thought about sex. Most of them said it was very quickly over but it was there. There is no way your husband was not thinking about sex with this woman. Whether he acted on it or not there was a whole lot of sexual tension there and that’s what you picked up. He needs to get her away from him completely. Until then your Spidey senses are going to be on alert all the time.

Have you asked for a timeline of what he admits with a polygraph? WS lie and are dismissive. Have you reached out to the AP's BS? Seems to me it might be worth comparing notes.

all kinds of red flags for 10 months

What kind of red flags are we talking about here?

Here we are today and I feel like a probation officer some days,

Nobody wants to feel like that. You married someone who you want to be your equal partner. Part of that is honest communication. In your heart, you know that nothing you can do can stop him from cheating if that's what he wants to do.

And it's scary to admit that you have no control.

I ask every man of my acquaintance who is heterosexual what he thought when he saw an attractive woman. Every one of them honestly said they thought about sex. Most of them said it was very quickly over but it was there

Eh. More like a dog noticing a squirrel than real interest. Like an instinctual reaction from caveman days vs conscious decision and desire for sex with some unknown but attractive woman.

Sooooo.. ...... has he fired the OW? Transferred her? Has he changed jobs? Has he done anything to stop having contact with her?

If not then the EA might still be happening.

What makes you think is an EA and not a PA ? typically when APs are in close proximity it's a full blown PA, especially in workplace As.

Is OW married or has a boyfriend/partner ? Have you exposed the A with all family and close friends and OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any yet ?

Adults involved in As don't just hold hands, they typically have sex. Demand he gets tested for STDs/STIs (you should too), some of them could even be transmitted via saliva.

Eh. More like a dog noticing a squirrel than real interest. Like an instinctual reaction from caveman days vs conscious decision and desire for sex with some unknown but attractive woman.

OK, that's funny. And I see the element of truth as well.

I think so long as they work anywhere near each other this is a wrong situation. Like living on temptation island.

Discovered my husband was having a very covert Emotional Affair

How did you discover this? I ask because the WH usually denies, denies, and accuses the BS of jealousy and paranoia before he takes the steps that your WH has.

Also, have you contacted the OBS IF you have proof? It's way too easy to take an affair underground, especially in the workplace, or to lay low when the BS starts asking questions.

Workplace affairs are notoriously tricky things to end. Especially if your H is her manager. That may be why he's acting like a scalded cat in moving her, dusting off the photos of you and taking you on trips.

If he promoted her and gave her the raise because of an affair, other more qualified employees may have grounds to sue the employer. Your WH might be doing damage control at work.

Make him send the NC letter, you approve it, no secret codes in it, no hints about the future, no "Dear XXXX" just her name, and you send it or watch him send it.

Usually in a work situation, a NC letter does nothing, because if they're determined to see each other, the WH just tells AP the wife made me do it and all's well, no hard feelings between them. They just continue where they left off.

But in your case, I think it might have a very good unintended effect. Because as her manager, the promotion and favoritism probably has raised a few eyebrows, Maybe set some tongues wagging.

He might actually want to send an NC letter for future CYA. In this case, combined with the actions your WH already took, the AP might start worrying that he means it.

For yourself, hold your ground, demand a written

timeline, list of all places he saw her outside of work, list of who knew, (to make him think about that) and think about placing a GPS and VAR in his car.

I know you don't want to play probation officer. It's tiring and that's not what you signed up for when you got married.

I would look at it like taking a snapshot of your husband and his activities at this time in your marriage. Like a month long snapshot. Or two months and then evaluate your findings.

Eh. More like a dog noticing a squirrel than real interest. Like an instinctual reaction from caveman days vs conscious decision and desire for sex with some unknown but attractive woman.

OK, that's funny. And I see the element of truth as well.

I think so long as they work anywhere near each other this is a wrong situation. Like living on temptation island.

I'm a man who is married, but I'm not dead. I mean, yeah, I go to my local gym here in Miami and I feel the caveman in my DNA causing me to notice and look at the pretty women around. I've been going to that gym for 5 years now and I've never once spoken a word to anyone man or woman that wasn't about using X equipment or how much of a wait I have to use Y equipment. Seeing an attractive person doesn't mean you are going to have an EA or PA.

Dear Survivor126, This is very normal. You are in the middle of processing the betrayal and hurt. What do you want to do from here? What does he want? You both are very early in this process. Give each other patience and grace.

Thank you. Things are locked down for the most part. Trust is at a 0.5 on a scale of 0 to 10. I have had a tracker in his car for 8 months. I have access to all of his credit card accounts, banking and social media. I have access to his phone, work and personal email. I expect transparency. We are in the beginning stages. For my own sanity, I went to an attorney for my free consult. I also went to my healthcare provider.

Of course, he would like to work on the marriage. I also am very aware that he sees his AP everyday at work and she may have home court advantage. Meaning she is within the same building for 40 hours or more a week.

Here is what I see today. He has done the things he has done to try to create space and the more time passes he tells me about other ways he has created space by making her report directly to the assistant manager versus him. He has made all the employees do that, so it doesn't appear so obvious. There have been some rumors, of course. A few leaders above him stated that he did not have boundaries with his staff. His job is on the line. His marriage is on the line.

The other consequence that he hates the most is the one where I have the expectation of him to tell me about any interactions he has with her during the day. I have found him talking about everyone but her. He states he doesn't want to give her any residence in our relationship or in our house. I explained, "that is something you should have thought about before giving her residence in your heart." He gets very uncomfortable and to be honest, I don't care about his comfort. I care about honesty and transparency.

There is a lot of grief. The loss of our marriage as I knew it, the loss of trust. I think it is too soon to tell if our marriage will come out of this like a phoenix or not. I am not making any sudden decisions.

The standard procedure is to have him write a written timeline and verify it with a polygraph. Like others have said, you can’t be sure of what happened and it’s best to know what situation you are reconciling with.

Like others have said, he should quit his job. Otherwise you are putting yourself in a never ending hell.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:50 AM, March 16th (Tuesday)]

Discovered my husband was having a very covert Emotional Affair with a coworker he had worked with for 5 years.

How did you discover this? It's so tough because the WS will use whatever doubt you have against you. But I read this and I have to ask if there was any chance he was telling the truth.

We all like to think of our professional self as being completely divorced of emotion, but this is not ever the case. If she deserved the raises and promotions then it would have been very wrong for him to deny her that because they were friendly with each other.

For me, my wife's infidelity with one of her affair partners was not yet physical, but it was certainly inappropriate (i.e. "You're special to me", "I love you", "I couldn't wait to be with you."). There was no doubt that it had crossed over from friendship to EA. So I don't fully understand, but I imagine that doubt has been used against you before. And I apologize if I'm out of line, I just wonder how you know it was EA and not a friendship only.

EDIT: I am thinking of a supplier I once met with who was breath-takingly gorgeous. I reflexively wanted to go with the other supplier because I had recognized how attracted to her I was. In the end I had to ask a co-worker his opinion based on the quotes alone because it would have been really very wrong of me to disqualify her based on how attractive she was.

[This message edited by dogcopter at 8:34 AM, March 16th (Tuesday)]

Of course, he would like to work on the marriage. I also am very aware that he sees his AP everyday at work and she may have home court advantage. Meaning she is within the same building for 40 hours or more a week.

Here is what I see today. He has done the things he has done to try to create space and the more time passes he tells me about other ways he has created space by making her report directly to the assistant manager versus him. He has made all the employees do that, so it doesn't appear so obvious. There have been some rumors, of course. A few leaders above him stated that he did not have boundaries with his staff. His job is on the line. His marriage is on the line.

The other consequence that he hates the most is the one where I have the expectation of him to tell me about any interactions he has with her during the day. I have found him talking about everyone but her. He states he doesn't want to give her any residence in our relationship or in our house. I explained, "that is something you should have thought about before giving her residence in your heart." He gets very uncomfortable and to be honest, I don't care about his comfort. I care about honesty and transparency.

So for now he made one subtle shift to have her and her peers report to an assistant manager and not him? Can he be moved to a different department? Any other changes within the same workplace he can make to almost never see her again? Remember, No Contact means No Contact, not, I see my EAP everyday for 40 hours a week at the office. The BS traditionally has a very tough time healing while the WS and AP are still in contact at the office, which is why what you put in place makes sense, but it isn't sustainable. Either he or she has to go and he cannot control her, just himself. Time for him to start looking aggressively for a new job. I understand that he maybe cannot be unemployed at a time like this, but if he wanted to show you how much he understood your needs, he would be sending out his resume to anyone and everyone who will listen to get his ass out of there ASAP.

The other thing that could help this, if this AP was married or in a relationship, letting her BS know could blow up their fantasyland, and maybe sends her packing from the job quickly.

@survivor126

I am sorry that you feel like this--- it truly hurts and stinks! I know that feeling. Here is the deal breaker for me-- I would not be able to handle him being around her at all. This may sound rash, but it is time for him to start looking for an new job. Yes, I know it is hard with Covid and everything but this needs to be done at some point and the sooner the better. Also, counseling? Have you been together or by yourself? This shall truly help, especially him. He needs to understand this better and he needs to make you feel safe so that you can begin each day knowing that he has boundaries and wants to make your marriage last. Blessings to you.