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Still battling on.

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SnowToArmPits posted 3/28/2021 17:06 PM

Hi OP.

It's been a year since your wife began all this crap. It's obviously really hard for you to untangle your life from your wife. But man, you do nothing you could find yourself in the same place 6 months from now.

Your wife gets two men, you... get a bad life.

Your posts are all about her. Not healthy.

If you're stuck with her, start messing with her. Make her want to leave. Ignore her or be sarcastic with her, something, change the status quo.

IWMWB posted 3/30/2021 09:33 AM

Not much has changed so far, I've spoken to my W and told her we can't live like this any more its just not healthy. She has told me she is looking for somewhere, she had a place but it fell through last minute but she has assured me she is actively trying.

I don't understand myself why I've just readily accepted this situation the way I did and I think it comes back to the early days when this came out and she started blaming me for the failure of the marriage and I just ran with that. I felt so guilty right to my core that maybe I was a shitty person/husband but I have slowly come to realise that I am actually neither, I don't want to compare but what I see some people put up with in their marriages is terrible. Yes I have my faults but I gave unconditional love, trust and I provided and looked after us. I then just went into super husband mode and went about improving myself and laying a foundation that would have given our marriage a better foundation to be built up again from.

There where points where I had enough and I moved out and thats when I at times had moments of clarify, I was still grieving but I could see how toxic this had become. Right now I am just totally exhausted both physically and mentally since I came back again and it feels like this has just rolled round to what it was like the day she initially left.

I see and hear and feel what people are saying I know I can take myself out of this BUT it looks like I am staying in the house right now and I am waiting on her to move out like we agreed and shes confirmed she is doing.

Bonetired posted 3/31/2021 09:50 AM

Just rereading the original post something struck me.It mentioned the BS had left the WW and set up his own place.He left her with the house.So she wants to reconcile and they do and moved back in to the house?Is that right? Then she leaves to find her own place.Huh.Sounds like she didn't want to get stuck with the house and the expenses.Maybe I am reading the situation wrong thinking she is using him for financial security?Anyone else get that vibe?

Bonetired posted 3/31/2021 15:03 PM

Dear OP.I hear you.I am so sorry you have to go through this.I hope during this process you can find moments of calm and peace.I am sure many of us here have experienced something similar.That's why we are here and sharing this moment with you.My hope for you is you feel a little less alone in this somehow.Plwasevkeep us updated if you want to.

IWMWB posted 4/2/2021 08:35 AM

@Bonetired Yes thats about right, I moved out and setup my own place and she wanted to reconcile and so I gave up my place and moved back only for her to change her mind. I personally don't want to lose the house and would now rather stay in it so I am now waiting on her to move out.

I've pulled back from her at the moment mainly for my own sake. Feeling a bit down about it all to be honest and missing not just the company but the relationship I thought we had and where going to have in the future.

I've been thinking a lot about what's happened over the last year and looking at how crazy the situation has been. Seems I kept taking the punches but kept getting up, rather than walking away. I feel like such an idiot and a fool and I feel totally embarrassed at this point with how long I accepted the situation.

Bonetired posted 4/11/2021 10:55 AM

The problem here is you were like a turtle in a pot of water.(or is it a frog?I forget.)The heat gets slowly turned up but you didn't notice until it's too late.You became conditioned to accept behavior that most would say hell no to.It's the same in a physically abusive relationship where women(and even men)have stayed and no one understands why.It didn't start out that way.There were a lot of good times leading up to the crap.They remember the good times and there is hope that will return.There is also the fact that the person is still present and charming as usual but for some reason your brain can't register that this beautiful person just busted out your kneecaps.The damage is still being done despite how charming and sweet they may seem towards you.Maybe they are hurt because you seemed ok with it before? This is where the victim gets blamed and gaslighted repeatedly.Slowly accepting what is happening as their due.It happens in many different horrendous situations that humans are put in.It has nothing to do with you.It wasn't something you asked for it's not your fault.Think about it.Children who have been molested.People who have been trafficked into the sex trade.People who are in domestic abuse situations.They have some things in common.The perpetrators of these horrendous acts found a way to lure them into accepting the crimes committed against them.They have brainwashed them to the point where the victim now believes it is their fault or it was their responsibility for what has been done to them.Some call it grooming.Where the boundaries are slowly crossed and pushed until the barrier comes crumbling down leaving the victim helpless at the hands of the abuser.It sounds like she is really good at manipulation.She could sell snow to an eskimo. Take heart that you are seeing what is happening.She should be embarrassed but isn't.Just stay the course.She will try to backtrack and convince you otherwise once she realizes you woke up and your eyes are open I suspect.Hopefully you will be able to get out of this mess with her with minimal damage.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 11:46 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Mene posted 4/11/2021 17:50 PM

If I recall your original post, you don’t have kids with her.

Why on earth are you persisting with this toxic, manipulative person?

All of us who have children and been a WS would love to be in your position. To dump the cheater immediately. And what happens in 95% of cases with those who have children is we go through the pain of R for them. You don’t have any. I’d be celebrating if I were in your position.

She’s abusing you.

Move on, man!

[This message edited by Mene at 5:53 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

IWMWB posted 4/12/2021 11:49 AM

We do have children but they are adult children. Trust me I ask myself the same questions, whats holding me back and why would I want to save this relationship now and those are something I am working through with a counsellor.

At this stage I don't want to move out (again), I don't want to lose my house and she has decided she is moving out and that's what I am waiting for. I am just getting on with my own stuff right now while she is trying to find somewhere (although seems to be taking her time).

The fact is she is already gone. She has said she wants to be with OM (although that is funny since she is taking her time to do that) so for me there isn't anything else to be done other than to work on myself and let her get on with it.

asc1226 posted 4/12/2021 12:54 PM

Get yourself unstuck and start consulting with lawyers about the divorce process. Stop waiting on her to decide when she’s going to move, where she’s going to go, who she’s going to be with. She doesn’t care about your pain and she’s perfectly happy to float along while you suffer in limbo. If you want out of this decaying husk of a marriage you’re going to have to get yourself out.

FEKIT posted 4/12/2021 15:56 PM

What incentive have you given her to move? No wonder she's taking her sweet time. You'll be in this situation for the rest of your life if you don't do something.

STOP waiting for her to move out. Get a lawyer. File for divorce. Put the damn house on the market. Just STOP doing nothing, STOP waiting. You only have one life, this is no way to live it.

Bonetired posted 4/15/2021 10:01 AM

IWMWB;Well let's hope she is going to leave .She sounds like an adult child.Getting the lawyer involved will probably force her to set a date and stick to it.Kind of like consequences when kids don't listen to their parents.Not sure what the law is where you are at but you may want to consult to find out what way to do this is for your gain.Sometimes men I have noticed get hurt again through the divorce process because the law has been known to be imbalanced when it comes to this.I would hope you would be ready and know ahead of time what you will be looking at.Where I am at it gets pretty tricky My now husband while divorcing his WW had to live with her through the divorce or else he forfeited his home .The one he paid more than she did into it.Like 75 percent more.It wasn't equal either when he walked out that door.She kept everything and also kept the tax refund from the last year prior to the finalization of their divorce.That was one bitter pill to swallow.It's difficult to remain detached while going through this process.I hope you have a good support system to help you through it.It is a rough road to go down for sure.Doesn't sound like your WW is making it any easier with all the mind games she is playing.To also clarify it isn't easier for women necessarily.It depends how the chips are stacked and the lawyer you hire.I was a pregnant mom just wanting to get out and be done.I left with nothing.My XWH refused to pick up our daughter for the first 6 months of her life and the child support I received was apittance.A drop in that bucket for sure.How ever I am very independent.Eventually when he remarried they agreed to take our daughter half the time and I dropped the child support.I am now married to someone financially...well let's just say responsible.He's a grown man.My XWH still acts like an adolescent at times and we generally try to cover our daughters expenses without taking him into account.So it can be tough for both depending.

Bigger posted 4/15/2021 11:20 AM

Have the two of you ever talked about divorce?
Not as “we should divorce”, but more in a direct this-is-how-we-will-go-about-it sort of way?
Look IWMWB – your very user-name tells us what you want. But you need to deal with reality with reality. See the quote in my tagline? I think the same philosopher (or maybe another Stoic) said something along the lines of “A leashed dog tied to a wagon headed for Athens can strain at the leash but will still end up in Athens”. Basically suggesting that no matter how we struggle the inevitable that we can’t control will take place.

No matter how much you want your wife then if she’s telling you she wants to be with OM and you aren’t open for a polyamorous relationship (as we have established) then you are simply that dog digging his paws in the paved road. It won’t delay the inevitable, but it might both harm you and make the journey more strenuous than it need be.

I suggest this approach: Tell your wife that you want nothing but the best for her. That you love her so much you are willing to sacrifice how you saw the future for her happiness. She is totally free to go be with OM and you won’t put any unnecessary hindrances in her way. The only condition you have is that she not do this as your wife, and therefore you two start the inevitable divorce. Be clear that there are rules, laws and procedures that should ensure you both get a fair deal. You could mention that you two need some way to deal with the house and the mortgage, but that if you are both reasonable then a fair financial settlement could be reached in a couple of weeks.

What I’m suggesting IWMWB is that instead of being the dog you become the driver of the wagon that controls the speed.

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