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I have an hour long consultation with an attorney scheduled, which took a lot for me to get up the nerve to finally do. I had been just sitting on everything and freaking out.

I'm just wanting to see if anyone has any thoughts for what to make sure I touch on in this appt. So far I have a list made with:

incomes for past 5 years, our debts, our assets, our life insurance, 401Ks, savings/checking accts, mortgage, and insurances.

Our kids are over 18 so no worry about custody or CS thankfully.

I have been out of work over a year, and last job was part time, but did recently obtain my bachelor's degree and his income covered my schooling. I am not interested in returning to work right away for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I have so much anxiety and probably some depression that I can barely get basic things done around the house, barely manage most days to dress and feed myself. There have been more bad days than good lately.

I guess what I am most interested in finding out is how does separation work in our state, do I get alimony/support of some kind and for how long, and what do I need to do to put things in place if that is the route I decide to take? We live in a fault state. There is infidelity on both sides. Him 20 yrs ago, me 10 yrs ago.

Who pays for what when?

We are currently still living together and he has mostly been sleeping out of the marital bed since I found out in Sept (of his EA with physical intimacy but not touching 20 yrs ago with my sister who was in HS at the time). I am not interested in anyone here addressing that particular bit of detail, unless it's relevant to the separation/divorce settlement info. In other words, does that matter and if so how it would affect how things are split.

He and I Have both looked at rentals, condos, rooms to rent, hotel stays, etc and due to the market right now everything is so $$ and we cant afford to pay two living situations. The in house separation idea is something I have heard of, but ughhh, I have been living with him for 5 months with this info and some days are just brutal because I start asking questions and several times it has devolved into arguing. No I can't go live with family as my parents have added insult to injury here.

I'm feeling lost and confused. We are currently both in IC and MC. Not sure about R at this point. This appt is for informational purposes in case I need to move forward because I decide I cant stay in this marriage because he chose someone in my family, who I'm very close to, to do this with 20 yrs ago.

The laws vary from state to state and it may not matter why you are divorcing.

Ask about mediation and how it works.

Ask for alimony and child support - if you feel kids will need financial assistance from their parents.

Ask how long it takes if uncontested.

Try to agree to terms on your own w/out lawyers if possible so you can reduce your attorney’s fees.

I would ask what fraction of this attorney's cases go to trial or not. I am learning that there are attorneys that like to get to trial and there are attorneys that really encourage settling. You then need to reconcile their answer with what you want to do (do you want a quick divorce? Do you want to set his entire world on fire?)

I am not interested in returning to work right away for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I have so much anxiety and probably some depression that I can barely get basic things done around the house, barely manage most days to dress and feed myself. There have been more bad days than good lately.

Do you have this medically documented? If not, then you need to get to a doctor immediately. This will have a major impact on your divorce as you have been out of work and you have a legitimate medical condition that would keep you from working. These are almost certainly factors that would favor you receiving alimony (as is the length of your marriage).

Thank you! I am copying and pasting these suggestions into my document for the appt. Keep 'em coming.

I do not have documented depression before the A stuff. I had been to my doctor the week of dday, but was not started on anything. I have been telling my therapists what I am feeling and that I have had suicidal thoughts off and on. Would a therapist's office notes regarding depression/anxiety hold up in divorce proceedings or do they need an actual psychiatrist or MD/DO to diagnose?

I am not on any medication. I am trying to handle it myself, although admittedly not doing very well. It's frustrating because I would not be so far deep in the pit of despair if I didn't find out this information. I am naturally an anxious person but have never been on medication, and haven't really ever dealt with depression or depression-like symptoms that weren't situational in nature.

We have been married 21+ years.

You may not have grounds for a fault based divorce if it is based on adultery that long ago. In most states to claim adultery, a "true" marital relationship can't resume after the last instance of adultery. So ask the attorney if you have grounds to file for fault or if it is cheaper/faster to file for no fault.

You could also ask about filing for temporary support until the divorce in final.

If you have to have IHS - you will do yourself a favor if you can stop asking questions. Consider it pain shopping and stay away from it as much as possible.

Depends from state to state on the laws. Something to think about is what is more beneficial to you?

I at first filed for divorce. After thinking things through more I changed it to legal separation due to health insurance and a business.

He has to pay alimony and keep me on all the insurance policies until the business is sold, which will be 3-4 years and then the alimony doesn’t stop there, it will be cut in half until I’m 65, I then will go after his social security. I don’t know if all states do alimony, but usually it’s determined by how many years you’ve been married.

I so wanted divorce, but wasn’t so beneficial to me right now, it can be easily switched to divorce at a later time. The spouse would have to agree to this as well. Mine did it because I could of caused him a lot of problems he didn’t want to face.

Counting Sheep you make a great point. Those are exactly the things I was thinking and worried about, especially health insurance. Even if I manage to go back to work, it will likely be PT, in which case I probably couldn't get health insurance included as a benefit. I haven't worked FT since my kids were very young. I worked 15 of the 21 yrs married but most of those 15 were between 24-32 hrs/week only so I could be with the kids and manage the household/kids' lives easier. I wonder if that could somehow come into play when a judge looks at alimony etc. And as in your situation, there are pieces to this that my husband doesn't want to go public, so it's in his best interest to go along with whatever decision I make. To his credit, he has said he would do whatever I want and give me more $$ wise then he would take because his income potential is so much higher than mine.

Ratpicker, thank you for that consideration about time since infidelity. That is a question I had considered as well.

I haven't worked FT since my kids were very young. I worked 15 of the 21 yrs married but most of those 15 were between 24-32 hrs/week only so I could be with the kids and manage the household/kids' lives easier. I wonder if that could somehow come into play when a judge looks at alimony etc.

Yes, these are legitimate reasons for alimony. The idea of alimony is to compensate a spouse that sacrifices his/her career trajectory for the sake of the marriage.

And as in your situation, there are pieces to this that my husband doesn't want to go public, so it's in his best interest to go along with whatever decision I make. To his credit, he has said he would do whatever I want and give me more $$ wise then he would take because his income potential is so much higher than mine.

Be careful. Actions are the truth. Words are just words.

My xWW and I agreed to have quick, easy, inexpensive divorce. It ended up costing us about $60,000 in legal fees (so far) and about 30 months.

Divorces can get nasty. Be prepared for the worst.

Barcher, I agree that people do not always follow through on what they say, which is why I am seeking my own attorney at this point despite my husband asking if we could go to one together.

I also see the value in mediation/collaborative divorce but I think I would be best served initially to know my rights etc. from someone looking out for my best interests alone.

Unreallife2020, it should always be recommended that a person seek the consult with a good proven divorce attorney. The process can be halted up to finalization but knowing your rights is crucial.

(From your bio) I had a double betrayal affair in mid 2000s, AP was husband from a couple we were best friends with

Ask your attorney if either your or his past actions might impact the outcome of the divorce.

I have been out of work over a year, and last job was part time, but did recently obtain my bachelor's degree and his income covered my schooling

Does your husband have a bachelor's degree or higher? This might be calculated when spousal support is calculated based on potential income.

I am not interested in returning to work right away for a lot of reasons

In the case of divorce, and in many states, this may not be an option for you. His attorney might argue, if they are any good, that your earning potential is as good or even more than his client's.

I have so much anxiety and probably some depression that I can barely get basic things done around the house

Do you have an actual depression diagnosis? If not check to see if one might help or hurt you in the divorce.

Fooled, no he does not have a Bachelor's degree but he has a job that has consistently paid WELL above what I have made or could make. There will be no way his attorney could spin it differently. Thanks for the question suggestions. Adding them to the list!

Have your lawyer run a credit check on you to make sure your STBXH didn't add you to any secret credit cards or lines of credit you are not aware of. My exWW did that. She had me on three separate credit accounts that I knew nothing about.

Thanks Westway, will definitely add to the list!

A lot of people forget to include the credit card points and airline miles as part of the settlement

Ask the attorney how many long term marriage divorces they have tried in front of the the judge you will actually have. Ask the attorney what tendencies that specific judge has with respect to alimony. Ask the attorney how many cases they have worked opposite your husband’s attorney and how many times they have mediated for or used the opposing counsel as mediator. Ask the attorney to walk you through a flow chart and timeline of the divorce, if it goes “easy” and if it goes “hard.” Ask for an estimate of the cost of “easy” and “hard.” Ask the attorney how they bill (hourly usually) and whether anyone else who bills time will work on your case, and, if so, who and for what, and what that person’s experience is. Ask the attorney how you can be their best client. Ask the attorney what you, as client, should not do either with respect to your spouse or with respect to the law office.

Be on the lookout for vague answers. If the answers are vague, one of two things is true. They know the truth but don’t want to tell you (yet) or they have no idea what they are doing and you should look for another attorney. Vague does not mean “divorces can get expensive.” Vague sounds like “well there’s no telling what a judge might do.” If they cannot tell you without looking the name of the judge you’ll get, or the names of the judges to whom the case might be assigned, you should leave immediately.

Beware of legal separation for health insurance. you need to CHECK THE POLICY itself to make sure that the insurance plan doesn't view legal separation the same as D.

And TBH, I would still want to factor health insurance in any settlement, so you may want to see what it would cost in the marketplace and provide the quotes for the consult.

I would make three spreadsheets

one with the assets - ALL of them (house, cars, boats, retirement, etc.) and ALL debt (mortgage, car payments, credit cards, etc.

one with all the income averaged over the last few years

and one with all the expenses, averaged over the last year (everything from student loans to credit cards to the cell phones to the mortgage to the gas payment to the newspaper subscription). Don't forget gifts, vacations, etc. (Christmas is one that most folks forget about - if you generally spend $X for xmas gifts, then divide by 12 to get a monthly amount).

The more work you can do, the easier it is for the lawyer to digest and give an opinion. Which is why a spreadsheet can be such a big help to an attorney.

Also have copies of the most recent statements for everything - bank, credit card, retirement, etc. (your attorney still needs to be able to verify the information).

If they cannot tell you without looking the name of the judge you’ll get, or the names of the judges to whom the case might be assigned, you should leave immediately.

I'm not sure what this means. If you live in a rural area, questions about the judge should probably be answerable (ie there are usually only 1-2 judges in the county, so the attorney would have plenty of experience and a range of cases to have sense of a particular judge's sensibilities), but if you are in an urban area, most attorneys would not say what the judge situation is bc they won't know until you file. In my area, a divorce could be assigned to one of at least a dozen different judges, all of whom may have different requirements or biases (eg, some you may want to DQ if you are the wife, but not the husband, others you may want to DQ bc of the infidelity, bc the judges themselves are cheaters, some may rotate between different types of law, so this year could be their first as a divorce judge, so NO ONE knows how they'll rule on things -or even if they'd be different in family law vs civil or criminal cases, etc).

Wow, some really amazing thoughts and questions. Unfortunately I just had the appt this week. If I decide to move forward I will be sure to include these suggestions. So helpful! Thank you!

I'm not sure what this means. If you live in a rural area, questions about the judge should probably be answerable (ie there are usually only 1-2 judges in the county, so the attorney would have plenty of experience and a range of cases to have sense of a particular judge's sensibilities), but if you are in an urban area, most attorneys would not say what the judge situation is bc they won't know until you file. In my area, a divorce could be assigned to one of at least a dozen different judges, all of whom may have different requirements or biases (eg, some you may want to DQ if you are the wife, but not the husband, others you may want to DQ bc of the infidelity, bc the judges themselves are cheaters, some may rotate between different types of law, so this year could be their first as a divorce judge, so NO ONE knows how they'll rule on things -or even if they'd be different in family law vs civil or criminal cases, etc).

A jurisdiction in which a divorce could go to one of a dozen different judges is a major metropolitan area. Still, a competent and experienced divorce attorney could tell you, on request, to which judge a case might be assigned and which one would be favorable or not if they have been on the domestic bench very long. True, judges new to the bench or new to presiding in divorce cases are a wild card, but the competent and experienced lawyer would also be able to say at least “this judge is new to divorce so there’s no track record to evaluate.” That is information that reveals to the prospective client that the LAWYER knows the landscape even if the judge is an unknown. If the OP isn’t living in a major metropolitan area, the list of judges might be one to four people. Many judges sit on the bench for a long, long time and their proclivities become well known to anyone who is there with any regularity. Even some major metro areas have “domestic only” circuits, so in a courthouse with dozens of judges only a few will be assigned domestic cases. My point in all of this is to help the OP discern if she is speaking to a lawyer with experience or not.