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Once you decided to separate/divorce, did you stay in same house or did one of you move out right away? Was it the betrayed one or the wayward one that moved out? If you stayed in the same house, how did you handle it?

Just curious how others handled this situation.

Thanks,

Michelle

We divorced 11 years ago. We didn’t have kids at the time. I (the WS) moved out because our condo was his pre-marital property. I moved out about two weeks within him telling me he wanted to divorce.

We initially agreed to do in-house separation, with me staying in the basement/guest bedroom. We even discussed the possibility of me "renting" a bedroom after the divorce (which we had verbally agreed would be quick and amicable) for $500 per month. This was fine for a few months.

Then, she went a bit bonkers once the divorce process started. She decided to go 'high conflict' with the divorce and to get as much custody, child support, and alimony as she could. We stopped talking to each other in person and I spent half of the nights at my girlfriend's house (i.e., the nights when she had parenting duty).

Things went to another level when I stopped depositing my paycheck into our joint checking account. She then went to court and had the judge force me out of the house and to pay her a monthly amount for her expenses. The judge agreed with her and I was told to move out of the house about 6 weeks later.

The ironic part is that xWW never even asked me to move out. Not once.

In my parts, if either party moves out of the martial home prior to divorce, it can be considered "abandonment." Judges don't like to see one party abandoning the family. As long is there is no abuse, both parties are counseled to stay in the house until the marriage is over.

That said, if it comes to it, we'll do the legal separation route for health insurance purposes. DH will move out into a cheap place somewhere, have full access to the kids/family home during the day, and then stay at his place and do whatever he likes on his own time at night.

(DH is the WS, primary caregiver of the 0-5 crowd in our house, and has been either a SAHP or works part time).

[This message edited by secondtime at 2:08 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

I kicked Xhole out of the marital home. He moved in with his side piece at the time. He didn't legally have to go, but I would have made his life a living hell had he stayed, and he knew it. I proceeded to have the locks changed. Yes, he could have legally challenged it, but he was broke so I knew he wouldn't.

Talk to an attorney to understand how your state handles it before you do anything.

Legally, you can’t kick your WS out of your jointly owned home, the WS would have to leave voluntarily. After filing, my WW wouldn’t move out, but would run out all the time to be with OM, leaving me with our 3 kids. I viewed that as an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my kids, and they knew what WW was doing. As part to the Separation Agreement, I had to give her access to a certain amount of money per month, from which was offset a contribution to the mortgage. We entered into a divorce settlement agreement, which allowed XWW to stay in the family home which I bought her out of, for 2 months to allow her to find a place. The IHS, pre and post divorce were the most stressful months of my life. Because I thought that she was trying to set me up on a false domestic dispute charge, I was actually relieved when she would run out to see OM (how bizarre is that). On the advice of my attorney, I filed a report with the local police department that my WW was alluding to filing a false domestic violence charge against me.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 2:37 PM, February 6th (Saturday)]

I attempted IHS, it was an absolute nightmare,

My Ex was manipulating, violent in the early yrs of our relationship, abusive, controlling,

It wasn’t until later he was diagnosed a sociopathic narcissist.

However while separated I stumbled upon extra infidelity/lies that sent me on a path that nearly cost me/my children our lives.

I know it’s different for everyone that goes through this but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever advocate IHS even when safety can be assured.

I don’t have triggers or dark days but the thought or reading about IHS always makes my heart rate accelerate a little bit!!

Early on when I had difficulties with my WW she would threaten to move out. I really wanted to stay married and work things out, so I would ask her not to.

The last time I caught her sneaking around I said "you really should find a place to stay and get out of my house."

She replied "no, it's my house too."

How her tune changed.

Now we're in IHS, she sleeps on the couch. It sucks! Someone on one of my other posts said "it's a special kind of hell." Boy were they right.

The court/legal process us painfully slow. I can't wait for her to get out. She doesn't want the house, so I will likely keep it. (Although I'm still not sure, the house needs work and if she gets half of everything I'm not sure I can afford to maintain it).

I can't wait to date, I've been without a loving partner for 9 months..but first I need a little healing time, and I can't start that process until she gets out of my life.

I honestly don't want to see her ever again, but we have kids together.

I wish I had a place to stay, or at least the money to afford to move out. I would do it in a heartbeat.

I feel for anyone suffering through IHS.

I've heard people say "my wife/husband left me." At this point I wish I knew what that was like.

Long winded answer to say that I am in IHS and doing my best to be cordial. It's super uncomfortable, but I have nowhere to go. I would go if I could just to get away.

We rented so I asked him to leave. I think he was thrilled because he stayed in someone's weekend place and it gave him and OW a place to play house. He then couch surfed and house sat around town. He had a tiny apartment for a few months until the D was final and immediately moved in with OW. (Her D was final before ours.)

I, on the other hand, got a little house with my mom's help, rebuilt my credit and have now moved into a little better house. All mine and I love it. DS came back after college and his choice was to be with me and my BF.

I can't imagine the hell that is IHS, or a false R. Mine never asked for R and while I didn't want it I eventually realized that my healing moved faster that way.

The IHS, pre and post divorce were the most stressful months of my life. Because I thought that she was trying to set me up on a false domestic dispute charge, I was actually relieved when she would run out to see OM (how bizarre is that). On the advice of my attorney, I filed a report with the local police department that my WW was alluding to filing a false domestic violence charge against me.

A common response seems to be that "IHS is hell."

I genuinely thought that I could do IHS quite nicely. I did my best to avoid xWW. I even negotiated a temporary parenting plan, so I would stay with the kids half of the time and she would stay with the kids half of the time. When we were "off duty", we both made ourselves scarce. It worked out well for a few weeks...

But then the divorce proceedings got going and xWW got increasingly angry over time. She was making numerous false claims of domestic violence against me... and it is hard to describe... but she was scary-levels of angry for the past few months that I was living in the marital home.

The ironic part is that she went to the judge and claimed that she was afraid for her own safety in our house. She slept at night with her bedroom door wide open. I slept with my door locked; I was legitimately afraid that she would attack me in my sleep.

Simply put, if you are a betrayed spouse and your cheating spouse did all sorts of nasty things to you post-D-day (gaslighting, blame shifting, etc), then expect more of the same during a divorce and it might even get worse. The traits that allow someone to cheat also make them a very difficult adversary during a divorce.

Once you decided to separate/divorce, did you stay in same house or did one of you move out right away? He moved out in about a month.

Was it the betrayed one or the wayward one that moved out?

The WW moved.

If you stayed in the same house, how did you handle it? For the one month of IHS, we avoided each other. I.E., trying to schedule stuff to NOT be home together. It is an awful feeling. I do not recommend IHS - it stinks.

When we decided to separate, I planned on moving out. She said something along the lines of "you can come over anytime you want." The idea was to give us some space so that she could work on herself. But when I got time to start finding a place, I realized that she would never work on herself and confront the issues surrounding herself. So I instead of trying out a "trial separation", I chose to just go ahead and file and get the clock started.

She said she would move out and stay in the master bedroom until she could find a place. After 2 days of that nonsense, I had her move to the spare bedroom and moved myself back into my bedroom. Our youngest son did not want to be around her and she was the one that was cheating and leaving the family. So I found her a place and helped her load some of her shit in her car and waved goodbye.

She ended up coming back in for a few nights a week for about a month until her cheating partner had a house available and then she moved completely out. The IHS did not work for either of us and actually slowed down the mental distancing needed to start healing.

If I had to do it over, I would have asked/told her to leave right away. Her presence around the house kept the hopium active in my mind.