Newest Member: username3016

Wayward Side :
Telling family

Topic is Sleeping.

 Bulcy (original poster Member #74034) posted at 2:37 PM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

Just over a week ago, I contacted my father and my sister to tell them all about my affairs and confess to them how I have acted through my entire marriage and before. This was done for a few reasons.

1) It has been recommened on here and in other literature that we read that doing this can be beneficial to the healing process and in letting family know it can take some of the stress away from both of us.

2) While I am in IC, I have no one I can talk to other than BS. While I can open up to her, we are both suffering from the same pain caused by me. I feel stupid going to her to sound off when her pain is so much greater than mind AND I'm the cause.

3) I just felt, deep down that I needed to. I needed to let them know who I am.

Well, I told my father first and he minimised everything. Some of my wayward behaviour happened before we got married, so that was dismissed without further thought. The online activity was kind of ignored and the EA....Well, I had given up listening at this point. He the proceeded to tell me that he did not particularly like my wife and that before my grandmother died she told him that she hopes we never marry. I was devastated. My BS was listening to the call to. We both burst into tears and held one another after I had hung up. I feel sick even now thinking that he would say such a thing.

Later in the evening I contacted my sister. I broke down before I could even begin talking. I scared the life out of her as she had no idea what was going on. When I composed myself and managed to get some form of confession out she was stunned. She called be a bloody idiot and then next thing was to offer her full support to my BS saying that if there was anything they could do to help her then she only has to ask. She told me that she loves us both and that she will do everything she can to help in any reconciliation (she did admit that she thought there was not much she could do other that say good luck and stick with it). I contacted her again a few days later and told her the full story slightly more calmly. Again she offered her support to us both, passed on a message from her husband (that I was a twat and if BS needed anything then please contact him).

I can't believe the contrast in family members.

The difficulty now is what we do when Covid is over and people want to get together. My BS is embarrassed by everything and feels she cannot face my sister at the moment. She, quite rightly, wants nothing to do with my father again, but loves my mother and will miss her terribly.

I am talking to my sister at least once a week and we are now closer than we have been for years. I hope that in time we will all be able to meet again.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs. Two ONS (2000) D-Day's 2003 August '17 and Jan 21

posts: 93   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8624767

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:08 PM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

First, congratulations!

IMO, taking responsibility and being honest are the keystones and absolute requirements for a WS's healing. Telling someone important about your cheating is the epitome of responsibility and honesty.

Second, you're lucky in your sister and BIL, perhaps unlucky in your father - but remember, he's your father. Is he the type of dad who doesn't see your faults?

As a BS, I understand your W's shame. If she wants help getting through it, my reco is to encourage her to get help. She can join SI, if she hasn't done so already. If you want to keep SI to yourself (and there are many benefits to doing so), I suggest IC for your W. There are other 'net forums, but they don't seem to be very helpful, IMO.

If she does join, I recommend agreeing not to read each other's posts or threads.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8624781

hikingout ( Member #59504) posted at 6:10 PM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

I am glad if this makes you feel more in your truth. That's always a good thing.

I will say, I wouldn't put too much stock in reactions. Your parent of course loves you unconditionally, and secondly not everyone has been effected by infidelity and just doesn't get it. Until you have been through it, I think often it's easier for others to minimize or have a reaction that's not rooted in experience. I would focus more on the feeling that you are living in truth and have continued down the path of accountability.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:11 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PA
His Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5914   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8624817

gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

Well done, esp WRT your sister. I'm sure that had to have been very difficult, but IMHO, you taking the reins and embarking on that level of honesty is awesome.

FWIW, I begged my WH to tell his siblings and BFF about his As so he'd have someone other than me and his IC to talk to. He refused. Ultimately, in addition to all the other post dday baggage I had to shoulder alone, I had to shoulder sharing his infidelity with HIS friends/family as well, as when WH attempted suicide I had to provide some context as to why he did it (I made those calls in the middle of the night, when whether he would live through the night was VERY tentative).

I dunno if it would have made a difference if he'd have done the work to get to a place where he'd shared that with his loved ones on his own, but 2+ years later he still doesn't avail himself of the potential emotional support available (albeit more limited with some of those loved ones than others).

As effed up your father's response was (and it sure sounds he hasn't a clue about the impact of infidelity), I sure hope your BS finds some peace and some space by your enlarging - and availing yourself of- your circle of support.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3367   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8624849
Topic is Sleeping.
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