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For now let’s just call It plan B, because both SI and my IC tell me I need one. But also because........ infidelity sucks

So I’m looking for a blueprint of all the things to consider in advance of calling it a day, that could be today, tomorrow, next month or never.

For the record I’m in the U.K., we are not married and we have kids in education. Joint accounts and individual accounts but we treat everything as “ours”

Home is jointly owned and residual mortgage is in both names.

Is there a standard blueprint for Plan B? Not just the financial stuff but also the legal stuff and the moving on with your life stuff.

If it came to pass that either I or WGF called time on R I think it could be done amicably without courts being involved but forwarned is forearmed I guess.

There would certainly be a period of continuing to live together, especially with Covid

Have you met with and/or hired a lawyer? (Is it solicitor in the UK?) If you haven't, you should meet with a couple for consulations, give them details (like the value of your home, how long you're still paying off a mortgage, etc.) and see what specific advice they would give you if you want to get your ducks in a row.

IBonnie Thankyou, yes it is solicitor in the U.K.

As we are not married, this is not something that is needed specifically. I won’t rule it out if we encountered childcare issues but I don’t expect that

I am more looking for a list of things to think about for a solid plan B, there are multiple lists on SI for what R looks like, what to do to get there, what the WS should be doing etc but I don’t find such a list for “getting your ducks in a row” for a solid plan B

I’ve seen many BS who are in R say they have their plan B in place, but what does that consist of

I’ll start

Eating - tick

Sleeping - tick

Exercising - tick

Job - tick

Social circle - working on it

Review finances - tick

House deeds - tick

What’s next on the list?

There must be a list of things to consider, that those who have trodden this path before me have learned and shared?

Who pays for what regarding the children. College/university expenses are more than just tuition and books. Living and travel arrangements too.

Who pays the kids he’s the insurance after they are 18?

Who pays for trips and school expenses now? And how are they divided?

Ask him for a life insurance for himself with kids as beneficiary to protect them. He pays for it. You are the account holder and he is the insured. This way he cannot change the beneficiaries.

Who pays what % of the mortgage?

Custody and visitation arrangements obviously.

Just a few things to consider.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:55 AM, January 6th (Wednesday)]

My life was like yours. Living together as a nuclear family; shared home/furniture/kitchen stuff; kid in elementary school (hers from a prior relationship, but essentially my stepson); shared money.

My WxGF dumped me for the AP. Initially she told me she would be moving out of our shared home and in with him, so I waited. About a month of pure Hell. Coming home on a Friday or Saturday night to find them canoodling in our living room. He became almost another roommate. They set up a bower on the floor of the son's room, leaving me alone in our (previously shared) bedroom.

Eventually, I grew impatient waiting for her to move. Among other shared things, we shared a car - a small subcompact. We each also had a motorcycle which was my main transportation. I bought myself a used pickup truck -- a small Toyota with a shell on the back. Found a bedroom for sublease in a 2-br house. The main tenant was a single man like me, fresh out of a broken relationship. Packed up my clothes and my guitars and amps and moved in with him. I also took my bicycle and bike trainer.

Other than my clothes, guitars, and bicycle, and separating bank accounts, I left everything behind. Furniture, stereo, television, kitchen stuff. I bought a new stereo (still have that -- it's a nice one -- Dolby surround sound media receiver) and a television (been replaced multiple times since) for the shared living room with my new roommate. Two single guys with busy careers, learning to date, we almost never cooked. Our fridge might have a few beers, a few bottles of wine or champagne, some mustard. Maybe some rotting Chinese leftovers.

As to the son, he was attending elementary school so he stayed with his mother in their home during the week. I would see him on weekends, and he would stay with me when she traveled for work (which was frequent). In addition to the usual domestic stuff, we'd go to sports games, movies, or concerts. I'd take him to his weekend soccer matches and such.

We're still close to this day. He's now in his late 30's. I married my current wife when he was a senior in high school. He was the best man in my wedding. He's also the Godfather of my first biological child.

As we are not married, this is not something that is needed specifically.

Quite the contrary!

Although we tend to view marriage as some romantic and emotional connection then as far as the law (and thereby all stakeholders that abide by the law) it’s mainly a contract to ease how assets, debts, rights, and obligations are between two people. The process of divorce is the technical process of separating these assets, debts, obligations and rights to the two individuals so they can go their separate ways.

As a couple these assets, debts, rights, and obligations between two people are not as clearly defined so the process of separation tends to be to establish them so the division can be based on a fair and equal base.

For example: For argument then let’s say that you two have been married for 15 years and that he has been employed all the time. You took a total of 2 years off the job-market for the kids and worked 50% for 4 years to be at home with them. Married the marriage contract would ensure you have a claim to part of whatever pension (401k in the USA) he set aside for those years. Not married you need to establish that right.

As a married couple if he has been setting aside money every month in his name then in the divorce that money would be marital asset and added to the list of assets to divide. Not married you need to establish that right.

As a married couple divorcing the future of the marital home is determined in a final way. It’s sold, one side get’s it in the division of assets, the other is taken off loans and leans, residence is established (and removed!). As co-owners it’s not so clear. Either can refuse to move out and as residents and owners can’t be evicted. He could refuse to pay the mortgage if it’s solely in your name, and your property could be at risk if you pay your bills but he doesn’t pay his. The complexity factor increases IMHO rather than lowers.

So, my Plan B would be precisely to clarify the legal issues. Have a good understanding and even contracts in place to determine how things will be done if you need to give up on Plan A.

[This message edited by Bigger at 9:25 AM, February 26th (Friday)]