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Ghosted by SO... Seriously?

Fablegirl posted 1/4/2021 19:39 PM

Off and on I have posted about my SO. We've been going out for about 2 and a half years. We met at a fundraiser and he's helped me get through some tough times. He was married before, still good friends with his ex-wife -- no children. I thought I was safe from being hurt but what became evident was his avoidant attachment style. He was incredibly emotionally distant. While he showed compassion and kindness, he just wasn't emotionally available. He never said, I miss you or I love you.
Mind you, in the beginning, he was all in and pursuing me rather charmingly. But that changed once we started a physical relationship.
I felt ignored being in the same room with him for the most part. Sometimes we'd laugh and talk, but most of the time I would pause in midsentence so he could look at his phone or ignore him on vacation while he remained glued to cable news.
When the pandemic began, we stopped having any kind of physical intimacy. At first, I thought it was because he was worried about being infected by COVID. But no, he claimed his Cialis wasn't working as well and that he stopped having desire, too. I tried talking to him about alternatives to experience physical closeness. I learned to cope. We had an intellectual connection and a good friendship. But he even stopped kissing me. Sometimes we spent a whole evening without touching at all.
Over Christmas he gave me a gold bracelet that belonged to his great grandmother and took me and DD out to a lovely dinner (socially distanced). But two nights later we were talking about some difficulties he was having with some charity work he has been doing over the course of the past year that has been very draining. He talks about it constantly in excess detail and I got a bit exasperated because I could not understand what he was trying to convey. In any case, we had a disagreement that turned into a discussion about our lack of intimacy. He said something that stuck with me -- that when he was a kid (he was raised by a single mom), he used to hide from his mother in his bedroom because she was so needy.

The next day I left his house while he was still sleeping. I didn't leave a note as usual. I was still sore. I also figured it would pass, as we have had disagreements before that were uncomfortable but passed. Butt this hasn't. Other than cryptic text about talking to me later, he's not called. On New Year's I asked if we were getting together, he said "Next Year."
I am being ghosted by someone I have dated for almost 3 years. I am in disbelief. I unwittingly fell for another abandoner, an emotional eunuch. And I guess a part of me knew that, but I held on to him because the SO before him ended things taking off as well.
Could use some words of support here. Thank you.

BearlyBreathing posted 1/4/2021 19:59 PM

(((Fable))) people never cease to amaze me by their cowardice.
I am sorry he is being such a chicken. You deserve better.

Chili posted 1/4/2021 20:35 PM

Well shit Fablegirl - I'm sorry you joined the "2020 Ghosting Club."

(SO of over 7 years did the same thing to me this year - thread also here in NB somewhere).

What I have come to understand about this year in particular is that folks' masks are starting to slip. That we are seeing the "real" them with all the warts and chinks in their armor. The stresses of this year in particular seem to be putting a spotlight on everything.

I'm really sorry that you also fell for an abandoner - a coward - an emotional eunuch for sure.

Do you wonder if he was pretending with you in a "land the girl" kind of way? As in, "Now I've got it, my work is done?"

Or do you think perhaps your healthy desire for a true intimate connection was something he just could not do? Or maybe it scared the beejezus out of him?

He really didn't want to end it because he really did enjoy you, but wasn't willing to ever go past his comfort zone in the intimacy arena? I also wonder about his starting to pull away from you and almost detach from those intimate/vulnerable connections. My SO was doing some of that too which is what prompted our own disagreement then ghosting situation.

The abandonment just outright stinks. Especially on the heels of recovering from infidelity. And in this shitshow that is 2020. That's a real yummy combination right there, isn't it?

It's not about being perfect, it's about being really present and he just couldn't be. I'm so sorry Fablegirl. (He's an idiot).

GotTheShaft posted 1/5/2021 05:43 AM

Chili said it well - peoples masks are slipping this past year due to so much stress in the world. I am a member of the ghosted in 2020 club too. Read my post “just got dumped”. I learned that my exGF of 2-1/2 years was cheating on me during the beginning of the pandemic. I had the pleasure of meeting the new guy on Sunday. I hope your ex didn’t cheat on you, but his behavior is displaying signs that he might be. Pulling away from intimacy, not wanting to kiss you, not wanting to spend time with you. Think back to the relationship that brought you to this site and search for similarities. My best advice is to take care of you and your DD. Easy for me to say, but really hard to do, I know. You’ve been heard, and you’re not alone.

Fablegirl posted 1/5/2021 08:24 AM

Thank you for the words of support, everyone. It is incredibly helpful.

EvenKeel posted 1/5/2021 08:36 AM

Awe FG - I am sorry. Break-ups just suck.

I am reading your post again and you bring out thing after thing that makes him not a good match for what you are looking for. Heck - most of those things are just plain deal-breakers. I could pull all those things out and bulletize them for you - but I know you know.

Examine his relationship with his ex because you look like you are on the same road. IE he is capable of being 'friends-material' but he is just not able to put in the work to be a good partner. I am sure if she could read your post; it would NOT be a surprise to her. She probably lived very similar emotions with his inability to step up to do what his partner needs.

Every relationship has issues - it is how both partners deal with those that makes (or breaks) the relationship.

He is consistent in his messages in that regards.

Again, I am sorry FG but you deserve way more!!! It is much worse to be alone IN a relationship...then out of that relationship.

Please make 2021 the time where you break this cycle for a better you. You got this. Sending mojo & gurl power.

Charity411 posted 1/5/2021 10:32 AM

(((Fablegirl))) I know it hurts, but I would look for the lesson in this situation. It will help you to avoid his type in the future.

What I see from what you've written is that he sold you one image, and slowly reverted back to being another person. And you kept adjusting. Stop adjusting. If you don't like something, say so. If he wants to take heed of your feelings, great. Then do what ever compromising you are comfortable with.

But when there is no interest in anything other than what makes him comfortable, don't adjust to it. Compromise should never be completely one sided. When he summarily ignored everything you needed, instead of adjusting you should have moved on. I get why you didn't. You were lonely and you wanted it to work out. I've been there too. The only thing I accomplished was wasting my time, because what I need doesn't magically go away because someone else doesn't want to acknowledge it.

The right person will come along. You already know a little more about how to avoid the wrong one. If they never say I love you or I miss you, it's not the right one for you. I'm sure in hind sight you'll remember other things that irked you just a bit. Make note of them for future reference.

HalfTime2017 posted 1/5/2021 18:40 PM

He sounds like a passive type. Is that the case? You may need to reach out to him if you want closure, b/c passive types are not going to want to rock anything, and breaking up scares the shit out of them. Not a great quality, but also not the worst.

I will say this about what he said about his mom. If he is passive and also an introvert, he can only offer attention, intimacy and emotional availability parts of the time. I have a buddy that is an introvert, and his wife knows that he needs some alone time, and some space even after getting home from work. It becomes a lot for them b/c people at work need him, then he gets home and the kids are on him and so is his wife. You may ask yourself, why was someone whose gone all day still need space, and its b/c that's just who they are. I know my buddy can't help it. He is a good man, loves his kids and wife like crazy, but he is an introvert.

It sounds like he got a bunch of space b/c of COVID, and maybe he may like that better than the relationship. Either way, it sucks, but still a lesson learned on that type of personality.

shakentocore posted 1/21/2021 10:55 AM

The pandemic started in mid March (maybe a month or two later depending where you live). You haven't been intimate since then, or even kissed?

That itself is a deal breaker. No need to "understand" what he is going through.

IMO your relationship has been over since the pandemic started.

I recently read the book "Maybe You should talk to someone" by Lori Gottleib. She is a trained psychologist who was suddenly dumped by her partner. The story is her journey and how even though she was a professional, she couldn't read the signs in her own life. Her story is not the exact same as yours, but in some ways it is similar. I would recommend it.

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