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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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BigNoob posted 1/4/2021 14:37 PM

is it a good idea to be more proactive and try to put all this in the back of my mind and just go through with it?


This is a very fine line to me. It is your feelings vs her feelings, you go at your own pace. Do not do anything that may actually cause you to feel resentment or bitterness. Let your WW know how you are feeling during those moments.


Not sure if you posted it in your story, but have you been in Individual Therapy?

[This message edited by BigNoob at 2:38 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

oldtruck posted 1/4/2021 14:51 PM

close to all states having sex with a WS will not have an effect
in divorce court.

purpose of the STD tests is to get the all clear that it is safe to
have sex after D day.

so if you both want sex then have sex. having sex will not
prevent either the WS and the BS from divorcing afterwards.

KingofNothing posted 1/4/2021 15:02 PM

My wife tried a few times to initiate something (it's been 2 months now) but it didn't sit well with me and it ended with tears and/or a fight. I know she's hurt by it, I am too, and my question is this - is it a good idea to be more proactive and try to put all this in the back of my mind and just go through with it? Because I feel like this is a big part of this distance that's forming between us. I don't know, I want it, I miss it to be honest, but every time she starts something the images are back and it's over before it started.

This happens so much, we have a nickname for it-- Mind Movies.. visualizing your partner with an AP in an intimate moment. Your best bet here is CLEAR and HONEST communication, and lots of it. You are going to be triggered for a while. This was only a couple of months ago. Talk to her. Explain what is happening and what you are going through. There can be light at the end of this tunnel, but it will require loads of understanding from all parties. Take it slow. You might start by just some light touching and hugging first and see how it goes. She will want this reassurance as much as you do, believe me.

This is not unique. I think most of the people on here (both sexes) have been where you are right now. I know I have.

MickeyBill2016 posted 1/4/2021 15:45 PM

A few things to consider...

1. Don't have sex with her until you know that you want to. Not because you "should" or she is pressuring you or you feel guilty. But only when you feel safe and horny and in a good mind space. I have heard of spouses reclaiming what is "theirs" after an affair. Consider your need first after all you were betrayed by your wife.

2. Regarding the ILY by the guy, 99% of women know how to deflect an unwanted I love you either by saying nothing like she didn;t hear it, ignoring it and changing the topic or saying "...and I enjoy spending time with you, we have fun"

3. 10 minute make out session...Most likely it was longer but 10 sounds better. As an exercise set a timer for 15 minutes. Imagine you are making out with your affair partner. After 3 minutes hand and mouths are going to wander over and under clothes.
There is a lot that can happen in 15 minutes, but she knows if she admits to more Mr F will close the book and D will happen. only she knows if there is more, I sort of believe her...

4. No, she was not going to tell you, she may have been thinking about ending it but you would not be informed.

5. Apparently this other man had Mrs F and 4 other women on the line at the same time. WTF magic juju did he have going on?

Good luck, and take your time...you will know when you decide to R or D.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:00 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

MrFlibble posted 1/5/2021 10:54 AM

You are right, I told her this morning I will tell her when I am ready but I took that touching ban off the table. We will see how that goes.

My wife seems happier than I have seen her in a last two months, and I am starting to be very slightly optimistic. Or maybe I am just having one of those good days, we will see.

I also had a meeting with my boss today. I tried to remember what I screwed up but it turned I got a rise I requested like a year ago. Funny stuff.

MrFlibble posted 1/5/2021 11:41 AM

Not sure if you posted it in your story, but have you been in Individual Therapy?

We have. My wife didn't like the first therapist so she never went back, but she found a new one and I asked if she's willing to take me in too. So we had both our first session already. It helped a little, so we are going to continue. I can always stop if I don't see any benefit.

close to all states having sex with a WS will not have an effect
in divorce court.

We are not in the US. But I should probably ask my lawyer about that even though the divorce would be uncontested. Good point, thank you

KingofNothing
Wow, that's spot on. She know what's going through my head at those moments. I just need to find a way how to force it out and put a stop to it. Hope time will help.


MickeyBill2016

1. Don't have sex with her until you know that you want to. Not because you "should" or she is pressuring you or you feel guilty. But only when you feel safe and horny and in a good mind space. I have heard of spouses reclaiming what is "theirs" after an affair. Consider your need first after all you were betrayed by your wife.

Now I just feel horny, tbh. I fortunately got over that reclaiming phase like 6 weeks ago, a long before I knew the whole story. The pull was strong and I am surprised myself I was able to resist. But I think it was partly because at the moment I thought it was way worse than it really was.

3. 10 minute make out session...Most likely it was longer but 10 sounds better. As an exercise set a timer for 15 minutes. Imagine you are making out with your affair partner. After 3 minutes hand and mouths are going to wander over and under clothes.
There is a lot that can happen in 15 minutes, but she knows if she admits to more Mr F will close the book and D will happen. only she knows if there is more, I sort of believe her...

No idea how to validate it, but the 10 minutes is just an timeframe. I don't think she was recording how many minutes she spend with his tongue down her throat. Bleh, I feel sick again. His hands did wander (I bet hers did too even though she denies that), but they wandered a little bit too much for her taste so she left. That's what she told me and their text do support that. But knowing another guy had his hand in your wife's panties is a tough pill to swallow.

4. No, she was not going to tell you, she may have been thinking about ending it but you would not be informed.

Yeah, I saw right through that, I am pretty sure she would never tell me. She knew what my stand on cheating was so she was lying through her teeth so I won't kick her out. That's probably the worst part. I believe her when she says she felt guilty as hell, but she would never tell me. I am not stupid.

She ended it few times (it's apparent from their messages) but he always pulled her back in.


5. Apparently this other man had Mrs F and 4 other women on the line at the same time. WTF magic juju did he have going on?

Honestly, no idea. It's mystery for me. The guy's not what I would call handsome or anything. Like solid 4 on a good day, but I guess he is a smooth talker and a good manipulator. You would not belive some of the shit he told my wife.

My best bet is he literally talked them into it.

tushnurse posted 1/5/2021 11:51 AM

My wife didn't like the first therapist so she never went back, but she found a new one and I asked if she's willing to take me in too. So we had both our first session already.

This is a conflict of interest for you both to see the same counselor. This is a recipe for disaster.

MrFlibble posted 1/6/2021 10:17 AM

This is a conflict of interest for you both to see the same counselor. This is a recipe for disaster.

Why? It's a martriage counselor who does IC, too. It's been good so far.

We had a minor fight today.

I was booty called (is that the right term?) by one of our distant mutual friends this morning. She texted me she heard me and my wife are divorcing and if I am up to it I can stop by her appartment and she will give me a massage to help me relax. Damn, some people are trash.

I told my wife right away and she's furious. And probably a little paranoid now because she spent 90% of her time since I told her in the same room with me which is pretty annoying to be honest. She told me later that she's afraid I will have a revenge affair and begged me not. It's like she doesn't know me at all.

She's going to look at 2 apartments tomorrow. Not so sure it's a good idea now as it might be the final push towards D

MickeyBill2016 posted 1/6/2021 10:28 AM

Is she "blaming" you for this woman's offer?
Was her looking for apartments part of your plan?

faithfulman posted 1/6/2021 11:24 AM

Why? It's a martriage counselor who does IC, too. It's been good so far.

It's bad and a conflict of interest because this was your wife's counselor first. You are being brought in to help her.

Very likely your wife has spewed a bunch of bullshit excuses to this therapist, and the therapist has not shut it down. Probably he/she came back with a lot of "I understand why you feel like that.."

Now that you are seeing the therapist together, you are creating a situation where the therapist (who is really your wife's therapist, make no mistake) is going to probably try to sell you a line of bullshit excuses (AKA "Reasons") why you should "get past this", "Put it in the past" or whatever.

Also, probably a storyline about how you contributed to the "environment that enabled her poor choices".

If you are okay with this, I guess that's fine.

***

But if what you want is complete accountability and dedication to your healing via honesty and transparency from your wife, you aren't likely to get that from a marriage counselor, nor your wife's individual therapist, whether or not you share that therapist.

A therapist does not generally clamp down on cheater's bullshit and lies, because:

A) They might believe the bullshit and the idea that cheating is more than just a cheater being selfish and disloyal, and that there are "reasons that led the cheater to cheat" that are somehow external to the cheater's lack of personal moral integrity.

B) Talk therapy is a repeat-business model, and telling people who are able to rationalize betraying their spouse that they are lying and full of shit, "now try again", does not lend itself to repeat business.

***

Of course it is possible that your wife found the unicorn therapist who is all about truth and accountability from the cheater, who won't indulge excuses and silly stories and reasons cooked up by the cheater to reduce their own responsibility, who will make sure the cheater is dedicated to making amends to the betrayed, and who does not lay blame at the betrayed spouse's feet.

Good luck to you.

tushnurse posted 1/6/2021 12:05 PM


Why? It's a martriage counselor who does IC, too. It's been good so far.

Everything Faithfulman said.

In addition you should be seeing a therapist to help you through the trauma of being betrayed.

You wife should be seeing a therapist to help her understand why she made it ok in her brain to cheat, and to fix that f'd thinking. So one that deals in infidelity.

You both are probably WAY to early in the game to even consider MC. MC is all about rebuilding and communication. Very Few MC's will deal with infidelity, and say you were the victim, and she the transgressor. It just doesn't work that way, unless you are seeing Dr Phil, don't count on this working.

You need your own person that you can say whatever the F you want, to express your anger, frustrations, shortcomings, sadness, all of it without the filter of this person knowing it and it influencing how they respond during MC, or even worse how they respond to your spouse during their therapy.
Now there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with going with your wife to one of her therapy sessions so tha you know she is being truthful, forthcoming, and honest w/ the therapist.

Bigheart2018 posted 1/6/2021 12:07 PM

Who suggested your wife to look for an apartment?

tikismom posted 1/6/2021 12:23 PM

Why? It's a martriage counselor who does IC, too. It's been good so far.

I know a lot say to not do this, but its exactly what we did & it worked out great.

WH saw the IC 1st for a few months, then she thought it was time to do MC. I wanted to meet with her 1st to go over my side & issues. Then we met with her together as a MC. As my WH IC, she did not agree with his BS/reasons for A, etc & she told him straight. WH was ok with her seeing me as IC as well, so we started & she has been amazing. So she does IC for both of us (we both agreed we are ok with this) & as MC. I have found the process to be really great & she has been an amazing counselor to both of us, both separately & together.

MrFlibble posted 1/6/2021 17:16 PM

MickeyBill2016

Is she "blaming" you for this woman's offer?

No, not at all. She asked me if I texted her first, I obviously didn't so we left it at that. I didn't even reply. My wife wanted some assuring but I just told her I never cheated on her and I never will. So any kind of revenge affair is absolutely not going to happen.

Was her looking for apartments part of your plan?

It still is. I thought it might help to give us some space and spend few months apart but now I am not so sure. I will talk to her tomorrow. I know she doesn't want to move out but will do it if I want her to

faithfulman
I honestly do not see it as a conflict of interests, the opposite actually. She knows our story (from both of us) and I don't feel like she tried to put any kind of blame on me. My first impressions of her are very positive. We are now focusing on how I am doing/feeling, she's not pushing me in any direction. My homework for next session is to come up with best and worst outcomes and what are my expectations. And to come up with why I think my wife had an affair.

MC is a long way ahead, now it's time for me to see which direction I want to go and for my wife to find out why she decided to destroy our family and our life.

tikismom

I know a lot say to not do this, but its exactly what we did & it worked out great.

WH saw the IC 1st for a few months, then she thought it was time to do MC. I wanted to meet with her 1st to go over my side & issues. Then we met with her together as a MC. As my WH IC, she did not agree with his BS/reasons for A, etc & she told him straight. WH was ok with her seeing me as IC as well, so we started & she has been amazing. So she does IC for both of us (we both agreed we are ok with this) & as MC. I have found the process to be really great & she has been an amazing counselor to both of us, both separately & together.

That's exactly what i hope for. We are having separete session at least for a few months and if the resolution is to reconcile then MC.

thatbpguy posted 1/6/2021 18:03 PM

I've read thru all of this and I see a salvageable marriage. I really do.

I think she has shown remorse and some level of dedication to be back with you. So I like what I see from here.

The downside is that she fed you a shit sandwich and only you can heal yourself. That's as unfair as life gets.

My hope is that you find your way in time to trying to restore your marriage. You will have to break down a few barriers and that's really hard to do. Counseling will help a bit, but look deep inside yourself and I have a positive vibe for you.

OrdinaryDude posted 1/6/2021 19:14 PM

My homework for next session is to come up with best and worst outcomes and what are my expectations. And to come up with why I think my wife had an affair.

This is not your job in any way, and any therapist worth your time would know this.

Only your WW can find an answer to this, not you, and you should state that very plainly to this therapist.

faithfulman posted 1/7/2021 00:11 AM

MrFlibble - I am not discouraging you from pursuing reconciliation. Your situation appear to be a better candidate for reconciliation than average.

Still a very difficult proposition.

But in order for reconciliation to work out, you can't feel manipulated into it, or have nagging doubts eating at you.

For this reason, I believe in taking a "hardline stance" where the cheater has to earn their way back and makes a true effort to win back trust, not have the betrayed spouse break down feeling sorry and take back the the cheater because the cheater now feels so sad now that they have been busted.

***

BACK TO THE THERAPIST

The therapist gave you homework to figure out why your wife cheated??

This is literally what I am talking about when I say the therapist is your wife's and that it is a conflict of interest. in fact it is genius blameshifting!

Instead of the cheater and therapist cooking up the "reasons" (excuses) and presenting them to you until you bite, you are being asked to provide the rationale and reasons on behalf of your wife.

It's kind of a way for you to tell them how to make her behavior acceptable.

It may not seem like it, but that is what is happening.

Consider this: As Thumos has made the case, infidelity is a form of abuse, it abuses your trust, your heart, your commitment, and betrays your vows and family. It turns your world upside down and wrecks you mentally and emotionally.

MENTAL EXERCISE: You are an abusive husband, you hit your wife, maybe verbally abuse her too - and your therapist asks her to join your sessions. He says to her: "Your homework is to figure out why your husband hits you"

The victim is bring asked to explain the harmful actions of the abuser. Does that make any fucking sense at all?!?

I have an answer for you to give them:

I thought my wife had a solid character, was trustworthy, and would not seek the attention of men outside of our marriage to validate herself. I thought she had empathy, and cared about how her actions would harm me. I thought she respected her vows, and respected herself. I thought that she would never even consider ducking into cars for a quickie to let herself be violated for cheap validation and phony words from an obvious sleazebag.

But I was obviously wrong about that, and that's why I think she did it.

***

PLEASE, AT LEAST DO THIS:

Take control of the information exchange. Stipulate that anything that your wife tells her therapist (And this is her therapist) must be communicated to you.

First, you get a full download of every last thing she has told the therapist.
Second, if she tells the therapist any secrets, anything new, it is communicated to you immediately.
Third, any question you ask of either your wife or the therapist must be answered in full, truthfully, and immediately. Not she is/you're not ready yet"

NO SECRETS.

It is unlikely to happen even if they agree to it, but it level-sets that nothing less than full honesty and complete transparency from both of them is acceptable, and it will tell you who the therapist is really working for.

And it is too bad, because if you weren't against surveillance, you could plant a VAR that looks like a pen or a thumb drive and you would know what the real skinny is.

I really hope this works out for you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 8:26 AM, January 7th (Thursday)]

steadychevy posted 1/7/2021 04:16 AM

And to come up with why I think my wife had an affair.

This will be used against you. Do not fall for it.

Read faithfulman's answer again and the comment OrdinaryDude made.

tushnurse posted 1/7/2021 07:39 AM

And to come up with why I think my wife had an affair.

The only acceptable answer is.... "I don't know why my wife took my trust and through it away. I assume it is because she is broken person that has a lot of shit to work through." Period.

If you in anyway accept blame for her actions, or the state of your M for her actions, the therapist and your wife will not do the real work figuring out how she justified in her own mind why it was ok to choose to lie to you repeatedly.
It's not the A's that kill the relationship, but the all the lies that go with it, and if your wife is anything less than 100% honest R doesn't work. If you wife is takes anything less than 100% responsibility for her actions, R does NOT work.
PERIOD.

The1stWife posted 1/7/2021 07:52 AM

The therapist wants the betrayed to come up with WHY the spouse cheated?!!

Seriously I would find another therapist.

You don’t need marriage counseling. You need emotional support and the cheater needs to figure out why the affair occurred.

My very fabulous therapist never asked me “why” he cheated. It’s irrelevant. The fact my H chose to cheat was the only thing to address.

This therapist is not winning any awards in my book.

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