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Feeling like Iím gonna sabotage everything

Virgo911 posted 12/27/2020 05:15 AM

Hey everyone,

I followed up a few weeks ago, after being absent for a while. I mentioned that I met someone wonderful, and this person is still wonderful, but I feel like I may be suffering from PTSD. I feel like Iím not capable of trusting her fully, even though, I believe, unfounded.

She is still friends with what appears to be a very needy ex, and a friendship with a person that she mentors, who also appears to be very needy. I think the mentee has a crush on her. Anyway, I know that she is a very nurturing and loyal person, and she constantly shows me, and tells me that she loves me, and wants only me. She even surprised me with a ring for Christmas, which Iím not sure Iím ready for. On the surface, she does and says everything right. But, every text and every phone call she gets, triggers me, and makes me feel like thereís something I donít know,

Am I so damaged that Iíll never fully trust her, or anyone? Am I always going to be suspicious? I donít want to drive her away with my insecurities. Or, do I actually have something to be concerned about? Whether itís ultimately her or not, I donít want to always be this way. I want to fully trust and believe in someone, with no doubts. Will it ever happen?

twicefooled posted 12/27/2020 09:22 AM

In my humble opinion, the only people that are "damaged" are the ones that refuse to help themselves become the better versions of themselves. So the fact that you are reaching out for help means you are NOT damaged.

I like to say I'm bent not broken (thanks P!nk)

I struggled with this in my first relationship post divorce. I had to get to a point, in my own head, where I truly believed I would be fine both on my own or in a relationship, because I would continue to conduct my life the same way both ways. When I was single, I was content with my life. When I'm in a relationship (like I am now) I am hopeful that we will stay together but know I won't be devastated if don't.

We can't control if someone will cheat on us. I have decided to give trust until it's broken. You only get 1 shot with me. If someone wants to lower themselves to the role of a Cheater, then that isn't my fault. I refuse to play FBI or spend any moments wondering what they are doing when I'm not around.

I know it isn't as easy as just saying "stop thinking like that" But I truly believe we can create more healthy thought processes by actively working to change them.

On the flip side of this, don't discount your gut. If your gut is telling you something more is there, don't automatically discount it. But if you truly feel nothing more is going on than your own past rearing it's head, then maybe some therapy could help.

I've had years of therapy. I think EVERYONE should have a therapist.

Love and light your way :)

EllieKMAS posted 12/27/2020 11:03 AM

Virgo I remember your JFO. Which wasn't that long ago really. Tbh, I think you are dating waaaay too soon. And imho it's a huge flapping red flag that this gal is proposing this fast. Yes you're damaged, as all BSs are. But that doesn't mean your gut is wrong.

I think it's a natural thing to want to find another "the one" after the hurt and trauma of infidelity. But I also think a lot of people jump into that without giving themselves time to grieve and heal. Do you think maybe you're feeling freaked out because part of you knows that you aren't ready?

phmh posted 12/27/2020 12:27 PM

I don't know your story, but with a Sept 2019 join date and reading what Ellie wrote, it sounds like you are not that far removed from the relationship that brought you here.

I truly believe that subsequent relationships would work out much better if everyone took at least a year off after a relationship to heal, reset, etc. But almost no one does that.

What you describe sounds exhausting. A relationship is supposed to be additive to one's life and it sounds like this one isn't additive to yours. I suspect it's because you're not ready to date yet. And when you're not ready, you often end up with someone as bad as or even worse than the person who brought you here.

I'm over 9 years out from D-Day, etc., and there's no way I was ready for a relationship for the first 2-3 years after my divorce was final. i did date and always say how lucky I was that I didn't find anyone I wanted to date seriously, as I'm sure it would have been a disaster since I wasn't healed yet.

Can you get into therapy, work on yourself?

Ichthus posted 12/27/2020 21:01 PM

She is still friends with what appears to be a very needy ex, and a friendship with a person that she mentors, who also appears to be very needy. I think the mentee has a crush on her. Anyway, I know that she is a very nurturing and loyal person, and she constantly shows me, and tells me that she loves me, and wants only me. She even surprised me with a ring for Christmas, which Iím not sure Iím ready for. On the surface, she does and says everything right. But, every text and every phone call she gets, triggers me, and makes me feel like thereís something I donít know,


This is a red flag to me. Not a big red flag (time will tell), but it is a red flag. Ill explain. She seems drawn to people in need (hate to use the term needy people right now) And, yes, right now, you are a needy person simply from PTSD and what you went through.

I dont know this for sure, but this is what I am thinking because I am also drawn to needy people. I did not understand why I enjoyed listening to people's problems for so long, but now I get it, I have family dysfunction and this has wired my brain in such a way that I am drawn to them. I think I can make a difference in their life.

This is the red flag, this is why I got married to my needy wife. What I had to learn is that I do not/ Can not make a difference in how someone else feels about themselves, and there is nothing that anyone can do until the needy person is willing to really look at themselves and get real help.

This tells me that your SO is feeling like they can make a difference in others lives, which is why they are mentoring. It makes them feel good thinking they are helping others, it makes them feel important. I am a professional counselor and I have learned this through many years of working with families. I have seen this behavior in myself, which is why i refuse to take any credit for one of my clients getting better. It will start to get to my head that my importance comes from helping others. all of this is a slippery slope.

My fear for you is that you may be needy right now and she may be drawn to that thinking that she can make a difference in your life. The problem is.... what happens when you dont get better. or, what happens if you do get better and she no longer feels like she is making a difference in your life.

This is a red flag in my opinion, but here is the great thing. You can take your time and enjoy the relationship for what it is now, and if she is pushing things too quickly, then have a talk with her and tell her where you are at. You get to decide what you want out of the relationship.

Virgo911 posted 12/29/2020 17:24 PM

Thanks everyone for the responses. I honestly feel like itís innocent on her part, at least, but to avoid upsetting me, I think she keeps things regarding them, from me, which also triggers something in me. I donít think there are enough boundaries, even though they know about me. I know how I am, and Iím afraid Iím not going to last long. Iím also her first relationship, since splitting from the ex, which was 6 years ago. She did some casual dating, but nothing serious.

tushnurse posted 12/30/2020 10:05 AM

I feel like I may be suffering from PTSD.

What have you done for yourself to help yourself heal? PTSD is very real after infidelity, and it takes time to heal yourself, and often therapy is beneficial, without proper healing we cannot move forward into healthy relationships with proper boundaries.

She is still friends with what appears to be a very needy ex
But, every text and every phone call she gets, triggers me, and makes me feel like thereís something I donít know

Does she know this? What has that discussion looked like?
What is her deal, why does she need all this attention and stroking? (What you describe is not normal behavior for a person who just enjoys helping others)

Am I so damaged that Iíll never fully trust her, or anyone? Am I always going to be suspicious?

No not if you heal yourself properly. You will learn to trust yourself, your instincts, and you will also learn to set boundaries, and expectations in your relationships, be it with a partner, or even a boss.
Regardless of the path we choose R or D as a BS we are scared, and there is one metric shit ton of crap to wade through to heal ourselves. Until we do that we simply are putting ourselves in line to be hurt, abused, manipulated, and treated less than again and again.

One thing I have often told members here over the years is this. Take time to have a revenge affair, with the one person in your life that will always have your back. YOURSELF. Be kind to you, love you, do what you want, and only what you want, as long as it is healthy for you. Grieve what you lost, and heal yourself while making you the number one priority. Without others in your life. It is seriously the MOST important thing we need to do in moving forward in healing ourselves.
Then we learn we can ask for whatever we want in a relationship, and if that partner is unwilling, we are ok to walk away. We know what we want, what we need, and how to be happy. That is the key to true happiness.

Fablegirl posted 1/2/2021 09:22 AM

Always good to be aware of your own thought distortions and being triggered. That's the path to healing. Being mindful and present with those feelings is important, too. You can observe them with detachment and curiosity, as an observer might.

josiep posted 1/5/2021 09:46 AM

Just food for thought and ignore if it's wrong. But you say she's friends with a couple of other needy souls. Are you sure you aren't one also?

You don't have to answer. In fact, I'd rather you didn't. It truly is just food for thought. But if you think there's any truth to it, now might be a good time to do a long self-reflection and consult with a counselor who specializes in codependency.

Virgo911 posted 1/5/2021 12:43 PM

I donít mind answering the question thatís why Iím here, everyoneís feedback is so important to me.

Itís funny that you would ask if I think I am needy. She has told me that I am the complete opposite of her ex, and not that needy person, but very independent, and in her words, ďhas my shit to togetherĒ.

I do want peopleís feedback on this. Tell me what you think of this:

The most recent issue I had with her, was when the exís mother passed away, and the eX REQUESTED that my GF sent her flowers. While the right thing to do is send flowers when someone passes away, I had an issue with the eX asking her to do it. We discussed it, and she said she completely understood. Itís that type of needy dependency that is bothersome to me, Even though she claims the ex left her a voicemail the following day, saying that she felt that her request may have been inappropriate. I call bs on the ex.

If she is in a new relationship with me, or anyone for that matter, then she doesnít need to cater to the eX that way anymore. I guess because Iím the first real relationship, she didnít see her ďfriendshipĒ with the X an issue.

She really is a wonderful person otherwise, and the unfortunate part is, it is stopping me from fully appreciating it, and enjoying the relationship, and itís also creates a wall, where I canít let my guard down with her fully.

I will also add that when we are together, my girlfriend is very present, and the focus is so much on me, and our time together. So, I donít feel like anything is being taken away from our relationship, but I donít feel like this other friendship/relationship, or whatever it is, should continue the way it is

josiep posted 1/6/2021 07:12 AM

Itís funny that you would ask if I think I am needy. She has told me that I am the complete opposite of her ex, and not that needy person, but very independent, and in her words, ďhas my shit to togetherĒ.

I mean needy in the sense that you need another person's validation to be happy or satisfied or brave or any number of human emotional states.

And please understand, I don't mean it as a criticism in any way. Some of these things about us and our personalities are simply coping mechanisms we learned as children for whatever reasons, both good and bad. Some of them are just part of the personalities we were born with and manifest themselves in different ways depending on time and place, etc.. There is nothing about a human being that is inherently bad or ugly, it's all just a matter of the luck of the draw and our genetics and then, who we meet along the way.

You see, I am a collector of needy people. Not on purpose but every time I'm excited about a new person I've met, I should shutter my windows and turn off my phone because my whole life has been a long series of helping other people, or, I should say "trying to help other people" and it usually doesn't end well. I usually get hurt and they think I'm a rotten person and go on to find their next savior. They don't recognize the dynamic and it took me a long time to realize what I was doing but at age 71, one of my biggest regrets is the amount of time and money I spent participating in that dance. And I'm guessing some of the ones who I "helped" wish they'd done a lot of things differently. In many cases, it was me helping someone who couldn't handle their money; trying to show them how to budget, which things to buy and not buy and how to earn more money but I also became the crutch for a few people going through sad times due to divorce, death, betrayal, etc.

Please don't read too much into my examples. They're simply to illustrate my point and encourage you to examine your life and your behaviors before you move on to a new relationship. Your new love sounds wonderful and maybe it'll work out for the two of you but from the sounds of it, you both need to step back, slow down and do some introspection, examine the choices you've made so far in life and how they turned out and which ones you want to repeat and which ones you want to figure out where you went wrong and maybe strengthen that part of what makes you you. Because make no mistake about it, there is nothing wrong with YOU. But we can always improve areas of our life and I believe that's what sets people apart. You know the old saying, Everyone in this world has problem. What makes the difference in people is how they deal with them.

So if you think there's any merit to my suggestion that you've found a savior, a collector of needy people, maybe do some introspection. And if I'm way off base (and I might be; after all, I made my observation after reading a few paragraphs written by a stranger on the internet), just set my wisdom to the side. I'd say put it in file 13 but hey, I wrote all this so kind of save it the back of your mind in case you need it some rainy day in the future.

And please forgive me for stepping so deeply into your life. Obviously I haven't overcome MY need to save strangers whether they need me or not. :)

Virgo911 posted 1/6/2021 12:06 PM

Josep, Thank you so much for the helpful feedback. Trying to navigate the dating world again, is a task in itself, and I probably just need to give myself more time. Even if all of this wasnít going on, I probably would still have some level of trust issues. The best thing I can do for myself, and for her, is take my time. Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback..

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