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Struggling a lot

Arfaj posted 12/17/2020 00:46 AM

Hey all, itís been about a year since Iíve been here. WH is a sex addict. He got out of rehab about a year ago.

He recently relapsed and kept it a secret. Newest D-Day was tonight. Heís leaving on Friday. Iím suddenly looking at being a single mother of three young and devastated children, with no job, in a global pandemic, with zero support network.

Someone on the other side please tell me it gets better. I feel crushed into a thousand pieces and I know itís only going to get worse when we break the news to the kids and watch their hearts break.

Of course this all has to happen during Hanukkah too and when he was about to have two weeks off work for family time with the kids.

Iím just really scared about what the kids are going to go through and how we are going to survive with everything going on in the world.

DigitalSpyder posted 12/17/2020 06:41 AM

I can and will get better. I am sorry you are going through this at this time.

I was in a similar situation when I joined this site. While its been 3 years, I am not close to being in the same place I was at the beginning.

Worry about what you can control. When this all started for me one of my buddies told me when I left the ex and said it was the hardest thing I'd ever done that it was probably the most important. For some reason that's stuck with me since then. Sometimes the best path is the hardest.

You'll make it through this. Remember, the night is always darkest before dawn.

BentandBroken posted 12/17/2020 09:09 AM

So very sorry you are back here. I was in my 30's with 4 year old twins when I left my first xWH. I lived 1500 miles away from family. Lost the house, car, and borrowed thousands from my mom to pay rent. After a prolonged court battle I was granted permission to leave the state with the children. Moved in with my mom and it took 6 years to recover financially. All of that was waaaay better than living with a cheater. Unfortunately, I didn't learn my lesson and wound up with another cheater which I discovered after 23 years. But leaving was (and is) the right thing to do.

The1stWife posted 12/18/2020 04:33 AM

You need to set an example for your children. Cheating, lying and bad behavior is not acceptable. You need to remove that toxic behavior from their lives.

Or they will grow up with dysfunctional family patterns as their middle name.

You cannot hide certain things from kids. They know. They see. They hear. And if you donít explain to them whatís going on then they can believe itís their fault. Or itís normal.

You will survive and thrive. Have faith. Know you are doing whatís best for you & kids.

Westway posted 12/18/2020 09:49 AM

It gets better. Treat each day as a new day. Look for resources in the community to help you.

Anna123 posted 12/18/2020 11:05 AM

I promise you, it is not as horrible for the children as you fear. Of course it isn't ideal compared to what you hoped you had, but nowhere near as awful as you are imagining.

and I know itís only going to get worse when we break the news to the kids and watch their hearts break

I was the same, absolutely gut-wrenched beyond words or definitions. I valued 'intact' family more than anything else and felt such a deep sadness for my son. With much effort, I kept my devastation from him. (which ended up helping me in the long run as well). I kept it matter of fact but let him know I was not happy about it, but with a strong determined front so he would not be afraid and still feel secure in his new situation. I also spoke with him alone, not with dad, so I could be clear in my message. It does not have to be a set-up 'talk'. That may scare them more when they see both of you so tense, but that is at your discretion of course.

A few years later now my son is fine, even better than fine and your children will be also. Of course there are a multitude of variables; ages, how involved dad stays, what dad says to them etc. But the divorce itself will be adapted to. It sucks we have to be the tough ones but no getting around it.

Take care and I am so sorry you are back :-(. You obviously did all you can.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/18/2020 18:50 PM

((Arjaf)) I am sorry you are dealing wtih this.
One thing that might help is a plan... so get with your lawyer and start working on a plan.
You will get through this!

CoderMom posted 12/31/2020 22:11 PM

That is very difficult. These issues are hard enough without adding a pandemic onto the situation. Have you tried IC? Is there any way you can resolve the differences?

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