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Wayward Side :
I'm not honest to my wife

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 forgettableDad (original poster member #72192) posted at 9:49 PM on Sunday, December 13th, 2020

I'm honest to myself.

Sorry, it's a bit of a clickbaity title.

A few of the threads here lately have got me thinking. Why did I tell my wife I stole most of our savings? Why did I tell my wife I was having an affair?

The easy answer of course is, she caught or she would've caught me. But I don't necessarily think that's true. To be honest, it's not that hard to lie (sorry, I'm known for my bad puns). I could've mitigated the situation, lied about my affair, taken a loan (obviously lie about that) and in the end smooth the entire thing over. I knew I needed work on myself. I went into therapy. I could've been a better person and my wife would be none-the-wiser. She'd have the marriage she always thought she had. And, believe it or not, I really think that's a viable, realistic option. One last lie to hold inside so I could help the one I hurt. So why didn't I?

I got tired of hurting other people. And mostly I got tired of hurting myself. I'm not honest to keep my marriage (as I said, less pain most likely if I lied) - I had to let go of it, to accept divorce as an option. And so I can't and won't tell other people to be honest in order to save their relationship. There's no guarantee of a happily-married ending with honesty.

But I wanted to be honest because I believe that that is the right thing to be regardless of the outcome. In the end for me "no secrets" means "no burden". And no burden is the easiest burden to carry. And a good programmer, as the saying goes, is a lazy programmer :)

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:52 PM, December 13th (Sunday)]

posts: 294   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2019
id 8616348
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:46 PM on Sunday, December 13th, 2020

That's fantastic. Really. That you feel this way means you have a very high chance of never cheating again,and becoming a better man. Those who do it for their spouse,or the kids, or for any other reason than for themselves, aren't doing it for the right reasons, IMO.

posts: 4407   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8616360
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 forgettableDad (original poster member #72192) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, December 13th, 2020

I agree. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. To realize that I didn't need to victimize myself. That I deserve my own compassion and love.

I went to therapy to try and fix my marriage. I thought that if my wife could see that I'm changing, that I'm putting the effort then everything will be alright. I'm not sure when but my therapy slowly morphed and I learnt to accept that my marriage could well be over. By my own actions. And even if it was, it's going to be ok.

I grew up in a house full of lies. And I grew up to be a liar myself. But (and this might sound kinda funny) I really always only wanted to be honest. I didn't know how.

I think we tell betrayed spouses here a lot to find their boundaries. To take care. To love themselves enough not to be a victim of this kind of shit. But for me, and I'm sure others in my shoes, we should also make sure we don't victimize ourselves any more by holding onto our lies and our fears.

posts: 294   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2019
id 8616366
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 12:19 AM on Monday, December 14th, 2020

I think a lot of people think they could have buried the affair - but the truth is a betrayed always knows something is wrong even if they don’t pinpoint it as infidelity. This creates an intimacy vacuum in the marriage that is undeniable and only grows over time. So regardless, she’s better knowing that not. And so are you actually. This is why I harp on the truth so much. Anyway....

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4594   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8616371
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 4:54 PM on Wednesday, June 1st, 2022

Bumping this for throwaway3692.

Me: WS (60) Him: Shards (55)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2539   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8738071
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 6:38 PM on Wednesday, June 1st, 2022

But for me, and I'm sure others in my shoes, we should also make sure we don't victimize ourselves any more by holding onto our lies and our fears.

And this, for me is the $$$ quote^^^

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Ending current one of his own accord- recognized it as "inappropriate" and stopping. Still won't call them A's... can't have everything in life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

posts: 721   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8738093
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:56 PM on Wednesday, June 1st, 2022

Love this post.

We can not say we have integrity without truly exercising it.

When my first IC told me not to disclose it started a chain of events for me. I realized I could not restore my integrity moving forward. Hearing advice I wanted to hear "don’t tell" didn’t pass my gut check. I terminated my relationship with that IC and got one that aligned with the values I wanted to have. The other one couldn’t help me to get myself to that place.

Freedom doesn’t involve lies and secrets. Keeping yourself from that freedom is not a way to live, but an exercise in self delusion that will only prolong the fear, pain, and shame.

Your goal in my opinion as the ws is to fix your relationship with yourself. The rest will fall into place as a result.

5 years of hard work
Reconciled
WS & BS

posts: 6083   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8738096
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