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The Dating Process

TheLostOne2020 posted 11/30/2020 09:45 AM

So I've started my hand at online dating.

It's only been a short time but I've been on two dates and I'm setting up a third. The first date was with someone who I liked a lot but I feel like she was damaged in a way that I can't deal with yet. I have my own damage, obviously, so I'm not trying to be hypocritical here. The thing is I think that, in a year or two, maybe it could have been a thing.

The second date was with someone who had cheated on her partner. She was nice enough but was rather clandestine through texts. So I bit the bullet and asked her to a date. She was really pretty, really successful, and I thought we got along well. That said, after we revealed our respective histories the mood changed a bit. Not overtly but enough.

I'm trying to make plans with another woman who seems really sweet.

Anyway, I'm often asked what I'm looking for and what I want. I don't really feel that I'm all that complicated. I don't have a lot of wants - loyalty, chemistry, and I'd say baggage that's being worked on and that is compatible with my own.

The rest of it I'm not sure about. For instance, having kids. I'm 42 and I already have kids. Some of the women I'm talking to want kids. I don't think I'm opposed to this but I honestly don't know. I like kids. So the idea of having more is somewhat appealing.

Any advice on what sort of things I should be looking out for? I realize there's a subjectivity here but I feel like I'm shooting in the dark.

AnnieOakley posted 11/30/2020 12:48 PM

You are not even 6 months out of a 20 year relationship plus a few months to your divorce. If I was a woman in your age range-I would not touch your current situation at all. Too new in my opinion.

I only dated my HS BF after divorce for a few years. That ended fall of 2017. I was completely 100% single for two years and 2020 was going to be MY year. Ha!!

So saying all that, I make it really clear that Iím looking for a committed, monogamist, LTR in my profile and then discuss it as well. If that is not what a man is really looking for, no harm, but donít waste either of our time. Iím certainly not desperate but he is not going to change my mind to settle for something casual and Iím not looking to change his.

If you cannot really honestly even articulate what you are looking for with more children, another serious relationship, marriage, living together, etc. I would strongly argue that you are not yet ready to date. Take time for yourself and your children. You deserve it. You also are expected to bring your A game to dating and a new relationshipóare you prepared for that?

barcher144 posted 11/30/2020 13:56 PM

Any advice on what sort of things I should be looking out for?

In many ways, I think this is the wrong question. I think that you need to learn about yourself and what you want.

I would avoid someone who had previously cheated on their partner, unless of course they commented on what a horrible person they were then... and how they worked so hard to get better. I might give that person a chance.

One interesting thing that I learned when I re-entered the dating pool. I went on dates with two different women whose husbands literally stopped having sex with them. They were both very sex- and affection-starved and instead of cheating... they got divorced. This speaks to their character, I think.

TheLostOne2020 posted 11/30/2020 18:06 PM

AnnieOakley

You are not even 6 months out of a 20 year relationship plus a few months to your divorce. If I was a woman in your age range-I would not touch your current situation at all. Too new in my opinion.

More than fair and I've received that sort of response. I understand it completely.

I was completely 100% single for two years and 2020 was going to be MY year. Ha!!

I chuckled, I'm sorry. Yeah, this year has been a shit show on so many levels.

So saying all that, I make it really clear that Iím looking for a committed, monogamist, LTR in my profile and then discuss it as well. If that is not what a man is really looking for, no harm, but donít waste either of our time. Iím certainly not desperate but he is not going to change my mind to settle for something casual and Iím not looking to change his.

I make it clear in the chat what my situation is and that sort of thing - I don't want to waste anyone's time either.

If you cannot really honestly even articulate what you are looking for with more children, another serious relationship, marriage, living together, etc. I would strongly argue that you are not yet ready to date. Take time for yourself and your children. You deserve it. You also are expected to bring your A game to dating and a new relationshipóare you prepared for that?

And you might be right. I'm just not sure how to go about thinking about the whole children question. I'm used to analytical stuff, reading, studying, logical thinking.

barcher144

In many ways, I think this is the wrong question. I think that you need to learn about yourself and what you want.

That's fair and I have been, but I take your meaning to heart.

I would avoid someone who had previously cheated on their partner, unless of course they commented on what a horrible person they were then... and how they worked so hard to get better. I might give that person a chance.

I don't think I will - I might in the future (who knows) but right now it's out of my monkey-sphere.


One interesting thing that I learned when I re-entered the dating pool. I went on dates with two different women whose husbands literally stopped having sex with them. They were both very sex- and affection-starved and instead of cheating... they got divorced. This speaks to their character, I think.

I totally agree with you there. I respect anyone who sat down, did the calculous and decided to leave - as opposed to people who cheated.

CaliforniaNative posted 11/30/2020 20:42 PM

You are not even 6 months out of a 20 year relationship plus a few months to your divorce. If I was a woman in your age range-I would not touch your current situation at all. Too new in my opinion.

Patrick Whitesell Met his now fiancť within 6 months after Lauren left him for Jeff Bezos. Definitely an upgrade for him too. Pretty and loyal. Good for him. Everyone heals in their own time.

As far as what youíre looking for - I think the question is do you want a LTR, marriage or just fun? Iíve heard most older women tell men they want to get married and that scares them a bit.

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