Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Broken

Topic is Sleeping.
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 broken730 (original poster New Member #75924) posted at 9:44 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

Like many posts, I never expected to be on a site like this. I feel lost. My partner just confessed to a 2 year virtual phone sex relationship. I feel completely blind sided. He mentioned that he felt like I knew which was his reason for confessing because I made a comment? I do not even remember what I said that made him think that.

We have small kids. He says he wants to work everyday to build my trust back. He told me he broke off the relationship this morning. It's been less than 24hrs so I know it's so fresh but I am just so heart broken, betrayed and lost.

Edited to include some questions.

Is it possible to recover from this, stay together?

Am I a fool if I stay?

Anyone in/or was in a similar situation willing to private message for additional conversation? I feel like I have no one to talk to.

[This message edited by broken730 at 4:39 PM, November 29th (Sunday)]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2020
id 8612991
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Shockedmom ( Member #44708) posted at 10:00 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

I’m so sorry. Wondering if when it ended she threatened to tell you and deliver ugly proof to you. While he may insist it was only virtual please get checked for STDs. Cheaters lie and your health may be at risk.

In the yellow box on the left side of the page is a link to the healing library. Please look for help there.

posts: 1059   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8612994
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Member #64418) posted at 11:05 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

First I'm sorry you are here and I'm sure many will come along with more immediate advice, but to answer your questions;

Is it possible to recover from this, stay together?

Yes, it is for some people.

Am I a fool if I stay?

No.

Anyone in/or was in a similar situation willing to private message for additional conversation? I feel like I have no one to talk to.

Sadly there are many of us in a similar situation. My WH had an A for 5 months, was caught, and then took it underground for a year, was caught again, and again took it underground again. I have no clue if it's still going on at this point. I can't recall the rules about PMing someone on here - if you need a certain number of posts or not, but as soon as you are allowed you can reach out to me and others, as we have all been "there" or some version of "there" as well.

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8613009
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Brenda66 ( New Member #75929) posted at 11:31 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

I feel for you. I’ve been dealing with a similar thing for the last 8 almost 9 months. Married for 25 years and been together for 28. My husband doesn’t think it’s cheating if it’s not actual in person sexual. When I actually catch him, he turns it around and makes it my fault. He has told me that me and my feelings are stupid and I’m a stocker. I have found out he has 2 Snapchat accounts, 2 Instagram accounts, and recently he joined OnlyFans. You are not a fool for wanting to stay. I want to stay together because I do still love him and I take my wedding vows very seriously. I have suggested marriage counseling but he refused to even consider it. I hope you can overcome this and save your marriage.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2020
id 8613014
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4everdevastated ( New Member #75382) posted at 12:43 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

I’m in the same situation. It sucks. We were even in MC. I’ve never been so angry and never had thoughts of causing my WH pain and suffering.

I’m just finishing my 4th month after Dday. I choose to kick him out. Things just continued to unravel. Still can’t get the truth. He still can’t answer my questions.

Leaving or staying isn’t an easy decision. I just did what I thought was best. I’m too old to deal with the BS.

He is begging to reconcile but I’m holding to my decision at least for now. I think it has helped me feel better having the upper hand.

It’s been a rough 4 months. It’s been a rough year. And looking back, my marriage was shitty than I thought.

Hang in there. You’ll figure it out. We are all here to help out.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2020   ·   location: AZ
id 8613022
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Offred1041 ( New Member #74359) posted at 6:26 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Broken,

I'd encourage you to check out a support group by googling: (No Soliciting) nation on facebook

Lots of people going through what you're talking about. Just be prepared that what you want him to be is what they call a "unicorn". It doesn't exist. Once a cheater, always a cheater. They just tend to go underground once they are caught.

So sorry you are going through this...

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:08 AM, December 1st (Tuesday)]

posts: 18   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2020
id 8613325
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:25 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Hmmm…. A newish member with under 20 posts suggesting you search out a site by that was set up by a poster that has repeatedly been banned on SI…

Broken730 – Couples have survived from what many might think “worse” than you describe and couples have divorced from what many might think “less” than you describe. It’s totally dependent on several factors, ranging from what we want, what the wayward spouse wants and is willing to do and what’s at stake.

It would be totally understandable for this to be a deal-breaker, but it would also be understandable if you want to save the marriage.

Just grasp some basic factors that our experience might indicate:

If your partner quit the two-year affair yesterday then that’s about as reliable as an alcoholic claiming to have quit a two year binge cold turkey. Prepare and expect relapses because IMHO they are more likely than for this to be over.

Hard ultimatums should only be used if you are really willing to see them through: “If you contact OP again our marriage is over” and you better be ready to file and leave the moment you discover ongoing contact – no matter what that contact is. IMHO a better approach in the early days is a more “liberally” worded “ultimatum” like: “My willingness to work on our relationship is based on your commitment. If I learn of ongoing contact or untold truths it will diminish and possibly remove any hope or belief I should be working at reconciling”.

Focus on getting the truth. Focus on getting as much info on the affair as possible. This helps you in so many ways: Helps you monitor that it’s over, let’s you know who the AP is, focuses your doubts and thereby recovery… I can promise you one thing: Discovering NOW that your partner met the AP or that this has been going on for three years rather than two will cause less damage than a lesser truth discovered half a year or year from now.

The truth hurts, but having the total truth creates a baseline you can work from. Be it to decide on reconciling or divorce.

Do you know who the AP is? Do you know how the affair took place? Was it only online? Are there recordings out there of your partner? What steps is your partner taking to make you feel safe? What assurances do you have that it’s over?

Take the time you need. This problem wont be dealt with in a few days or even weeks. Take time to go out for a walk, make sure you get some nutrition, drink water, stay away from booze. Take care of yourself.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8613333
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NorthernMSB ( Member #69725) posted at 11:30 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Hello,

I am so sorry you are here. When you can send PMs please reach out. I caught my husband on Christmas Eve 2018 sexting an ex, it had been going on for 5 weeks and then found out in March 2019 that he had been in a texting/calling/a few visits relationship with another ex for pretty much our whole marriage, decades.

I am still with him. You are not alone, hang in there and take care of you.

Big hugs

Me: BW-52
Him-WH-56
DDay 1: 2009- ex girlfriend, rugswept
Dday 2: Christmas Eve 2018-Another ex girlfriend-5 week sexting affair
Dday 3- March 21, 2019 Same AP as Dday 1,he never stopped cheating with her-20 years-ended October 31, 201

posts: 398   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8613334
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Offred1041 ( New Member #74359) posted at 4:55 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Bigger - no conspiracy here. I didn't know ___________ was banned on this site. I just know the FB group really helped me in addition to SI. I know what its like to feel isolated. I just wanted to help.

posts: 18   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2020
id 8613409
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:23 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

broken730

Take the "once a cheater always a cheater" with a grain of salt. Plenty of wayward spouses don't ever do this again. They see the fallout and are horrified.

That said, the saying is there for a reason. Certain new studies indicate when someone crosses the Rubicon into adultery, they break a physical brain barrier that makes it easier to cheat again. This is unfortunate but true.

It's much less likely that this brain damage (which is precisely what this is) will result in repeat behavior if the wayward spouse is genuinely trying to grapple with the fallout and confront their demons. It is much more likely that "once a cheater, always a cheater" will bear out if the wayward spouse is in spin mode, defensive, DARVO'ing you, blameshifting and offering up petty excuse after excuse after excuse.

And unfortunately, once trust has been broken at such a fundamental level, it's hard to get it back. I think you know what I mean: You "trust" your husband won't run you over with a car while your back is turned, but you don't "trust" them implicitly out of the 7 billion people on the planet like you did before.

The "unicorn" statement is more true as it relates to the feeling of "unspecialness" you will now have for your husband. He just showed himself to be a rather unremarkable adulterer. You can't unsee that.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8613477
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:30 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Are you sure it was never physical? If not, an STD test for you and for him is in order.

He should be willing to write out a detailed multi-page narrative timeline for you describing the adultery. This doesn't have to include every snippet of bad love poetry they shared, or ever dumb emoji they texted. But you need to know the truth and he should be willing to provide it. This should only take a couple of days.

Don't accept blameshifting.

Don't accept trickle truth in drips and drabs.

Don't accept "I don't know" or "I don't remember."

Don't accept the phenomenon known as "rewriting the history of your marriage" with nonsense like "I've been unhappy for years" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Go visit with an attorney just so you understand your options better.

Read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" have him read it and then provide you with a written plan for how he will implement the book's recommendations.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8613480
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:44 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Is it possible to recover from this, stay together?

Am I a fool if I stay?

It is quite possible for you to recover from this (I'm answering this separately from whether you stay together).

It's quite possible to stay together. Staying together is not the same as reconciling.

All of the burden for reconciling should be on his shoulders, not yours. He does the heavy lifting, not you.

Without truth, no restoration of any level of trust. Without trust, no recovery. Without recovery, no reconciliation.

We hear from people all the time here on SI who show up years later, decades later, and it is obvious they haven't reconciled at all (although often the wayward spouse seems deluded in thinking that everything is fine).

Your goal should first and foremost be on YOU. What YOU want. What is best for YOU.

Not "the marriage." Not him. Not "us." He just imploded "us" with a series of strategic explosives.

You are not a fool for staying. You are not a fool for leaving. Both are equally valid choices.

Look up the 180 and read up on that. Implementing the 180 will give you space to think. There are a number of experts who would also recommend considering a therapeutic separation period to give you physical space away from him to heal.

This also brings better clarity of thought about what you want.

I didn't do therapeutic separation. I absolutely should have done.

I have remained with my WW for the past four years since DDAY. I'm now headed for divorce. As I said, both are equally valid options. I'm headed for divorce because I've watched and waited and seen enough to tell me that my WW deeply regrets her actions and is very unlikely to repeat them -- but she dithered and delayed on far too many things I asked for and gaslit, trickle truthed, blameshifted and so on.

Her actions in bringing another man into our home for sex were a dealbreaker, but I could have potentially reconciled in the face of even that. I love her, but my affection has steadily eroded and I'm at a place now where I simply don't love her the way I did before.

Hope that helps. Each of us have a different experience, but there are some common themes, so sharing our stories is not meant as projection but rather as lessons learned.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8613485
Topic is Sleeping.
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