Is it possible to recover from this, stay together?
Am I a fool if I stay?
It is quite possible for you to recover from this (I'm answering this separately from whether you stay together).
It's quite possible to stay together. Staying together is not the same as reconciling.
All of the burden for reconciling should be on his shoulders, not yours. He does the heavy lifting, not you.
Without truth, no restoration of any level of trust. Without trust, no recovery. Without recovery, no reconciliation.
We hear from people all the time here on SI who show up years later, decades later, and it is obvious they haven't reconciled at all (although often the wayward spouse seems deluded in thinking that everything is fine).
Your goal should first and foremost be on YOU. What YOU want. What is best for YOU.
Not "the marriage." Not him. Not "us." He just imploded "us" with a series of strategic explosives.
You are not a fool for staying. You are not a fool for leaving. Both are equally valid choices.
Look up the 180 and read up on that. Implementing the 180 will give you space to think. There are a number of experts who would also recommend considering a therapeutic separation period to give you physical space away from him to heal.
This also brings better clarity of thought about what you want.
I didn't do therapeutic separation. I absolutely should have done.
I have remained with my WW for the past four years since DDAY. I'm now headed for divorce. As I said, both are equally valid options. I'm headed for divorce because I've watched and waited and seen enough to tell me that my WW deeply regrets her actions and is very unlikely to repeat them -- but she dithered and delayed on far too many things I asked for and gaslit, trickle truthed, blameshifted and so on.
Her actions in bringing another man into our home for sex were a dealbreaker, but I could have potentially reconciled in the face of even that. I love her, but my affection has steadily eroded and I'm at a place now where I simply don't love her the way I did before.
Hope that helps. Each of us have a different experience, but there are some common themes, so sharing our stories is not meant as projection but rather as lessons learned.
"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."
BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20