I am so very very sad.
It appears my art book that i had from highschool has been destroyed.
It was on the kitchen table along with some news papers and other crap everyone else piles on. We had taco night a while back. I had asked the kids to clean off the table, putting everything beside the fridge. I didn't realize they took my art book. I thought i had put it on the side table behind where i sit, what WH refers to as my office. The one and ONLY place i can put stuff that wont get touched and thats only because ive threatened to break hands if they do.
WH uses news papers and cracker/cereal boxes etc as fire starter in the burn barrel to help with burning the extra bush he cut down. He also seems to think its perfectly ok to purge the house of shit HE thinks is garbage when i go out to do the shopping. Don't know how many times I've told him to stop doing that. He already burnt a box of important papers, like child birth certificates.... i thought after i freaked out on him for that he would stop! I was wrong.
So last friday i went out and he had the kids round up all the news papers in the kitchen...including the pile beside the fridge that they were told NOT to touch.
Art book is ashes.
I'm heartbroken. There were drawings in there i hadn't made copies of.
WH isn't supposed to just throw the entire bag of stuff in the fire. He's to keep the bags. Had he taken things out bit by bit he would have seen my book.
I have cried for two days. I've torn the house apart, every cupboard, drawer, box, closet...praying it just got misplaced. Nothing.
I have this overwhelming feeling of hate right now. For all of them. The kids destroyed my cabinet for MY art supplies. They threw my art bag outside in the rain. Thankfully i caught that AND it was plastic so nothing was damaged. I have drilled into them that if it isn't theirs they dont touch it and yet they keep doing it. I have to wonder if wh talks shit about me when I'm gone and tells them to never listen to me because they are all little shits so much no matter what punishments i hand out. I'm just done. I could never understand how a mother could walk away from her kids but i do now.
Of course its been pointed out to me that its my fault for leaving the book out in the first place. My bad for wanting to do my artwork on the only table in the house to do it. I also shouldn't have told the kids to clear off the table.
So I'm angry at myself and angry at all of them and don't know how to get over this constant disrespect of my things. I want to take something they each love and start a fire and burn it in front of them so maybe they can feel what I'm feeling.
Not going to happen but i want to. Instead i have a large tool box that i can lock so what fits is going in there plus a cabinet downstairs I'm bringing up that again will be locked.
Its a shame that's what i have to do.