SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After I found out in August my husband had been texting prostitutes the truth has slowly come out. 10 years of visiting expensive prostitutes. Some he returned to over years. He said it was a downward spiral and he tried to give it up but after I found him texting one he feels relieved I know and seeing how its affected me he can't put me through it again. I love him and couldn't live without him but can't believe he did this to me. He picked his first up off the streets out of curiosity and it spiralled after looking at adult sites. I feel scared he will do it again though promises he won't. Doctor offered me anti depressants but scared of taking them. Do they help? How do you carry on with uncertainty? I couldn't bear to lose him.

Hi brokenwings,

I don't know if you meant to post here but this particular thread is meant to help the admin work out the technical kinks of another SI website.

There is hope and you will certainly find it in JFO or General. Perhaps we can move your post to one of those that you are comfortable posting in?

I'll alert the mods for you

My H also picked up a prostitute off of the street. He has not, however, given me the whole story about it, and in fact made up a story about how she asked him for a ride and he didn’t know she was a prostitute until she was already in the car. And that was 14 years ago.

So, if your husband is telling you the whole story at this point – I don’t know if he is or not – then you have at least a place to start healing.

One thing I would caution you about… Try not to tell yourself that you could not “bear to think of losing him“. God forbid, you might get to the point where being apart iswhat needs to happen. But right now you can focus on what has happened, and what must now happen if both of you want to try to work it out.

Many more people will come along, who are very smart regarding “surviving infidelity”. You might have to be a bit patient, because normally the weekends are a little slower.

Try hard to think of your future, and what you will need to feel safe with him.

Good luck to you.

Hi Broken Wing. Sorry you had to find us, but you are with people who understand here.

You are in shock right now. Learning about your husband’s years of betrayal is a major trauma and it takes a long time to process. For today, don’t worry about staying or going. Just take care of you as you come to grips with this. Some folks find it useful to give themselves a set amount of time, like 6 months, before they make a decision- just take that pressure off your self for now.

Tell us a little more about yourself- how old are you, do you have kids, work outside the home, etc. And what is your H doing to help you heal other than just saying he won’t do it again? Do you have full transparency in to all devices and his whereabouts? Is he open to discussing? Is he writing a timeline and making sure there are no more secrets or lies he has hidden? Is he in IC (individual counseling) to get to the root of his issues. Is he researching what he needs to do to help repair your relationship? Oh — and please please remember that this 100% his issue and in no way a reflection on you. You are 0% responsibility for his actions.

Here’s some actions to take that will help:

1) Get a full panel of STD testing— bloodwork included. Your husband has been engaging in dangerous activities for YEARS. Do no believe he used protection— what you are probably realizing is that cheaters are really good liars. You doctor has heard this before, so don’t worry about that. This is critical- do it right away, and don’t have unprotected sex with your husband until he also gets tested and shows you the results. (Again, cheaters lie. You need verification).

2) While there, ask more about the AntiDepressants. Many of us have used them or anti-anxiety drugs to help us for a while after DDAY to help us stabilize. Most just flatten the curve — the highs and lows are not as wild. I needed them to function and keep my job (I was so crazy after DDAY I did lose my job. Ugh), and only stayed on them one year. Talk to your doc w your questions. There is no shame in needing help in getting through a trauma.

3) Read in the Healing library— upper left corner in yellow box. Great resources there. Especially read about the 180. Also read all the posts with the bullseyes in the JFO forum. They have key information and support. Look at the difference between regret and remorse.

4) Are you in IC? I HIGHLY recommend it as a place to sort out your feelings and decide what you want. Find one who specializes in trauma — you truly are experiencing trauma right now. IRL support is critical. Who can you confide in? Sister, mom, best friend, pastor? You may or may not want to tell everyone, but having even one person who will support you is a great resource.

5) Eat healthfully. If you are not eating, try protein shakes. Drink lots of water (crying is bizarrely dehydrating), avoid alcohol, get some exercise, and do your best to sleep. See your doc if sleep is a problem. These all help you mind and your body, and you need to take both of them to help you through this.

6) Talk to a couple lawyers. Not to file— but to get information. Removing unknowns reducing fear and will help you think straight. You can want to R (reconcile) all you want - and obviously you love your husband and hope to recover from this - but it truly truly takes BOTH of you to be 100% in to the reconciliation and it is 2-5 years of HARD WORK. He may or may not be able to do , and you may decide down the road that this a dealbreaker, even if you don’t want it to be. So get the knowledge. Understand your position and what a future might look like.

Weekends can be slow, so don’t be concerned if there is not a lot of action on the thread. Post here (keeping it on one thread helps for clarity). And know that you WILL get through this.