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Shark infested waters?

BigBlueEyes posted 11/18/2020 03:27 AM

Do I or do I not want to date again?
I think I want the excitement,
I miss the butterflies,
I want to...um you can fill in the blank here

BUT I'm scared,

I'm scared of soooo much
I'm scared I won't be good enough,
I'm scared I will be manipulated again,
I'm scared someone will put me in another corner,
I'm scared of being silenced again,
im scared of so much more

I've worked my ass off to be the strong independent woman I used to be, but what if its just not enough & I get sucker punched again, I barely survived the first time around, I'm just not sure I could do it again.

The last time I swam with sharks I was 18 yrs old, for close to 30 yrs I was eaten alive by my XWH.
Now I feel at 48 its very daunting.

I don't know what Im looking for in particular, I think I just need reassuring that this is normal, maybe? that these feeling aren't unusual?

I guess what I'm asking... is the risk worth it? Or am I better being alone?

At my age the dating pool seems very murky

JanaGreen posted 11/18/2020 05:02 AM

Big hugs!!!

I know there are sharks out there. I didn't date much before I met my current partner, but the men I did meet were very nice.

Just take everything super slow. And happily single is a million miles better than unhappily married.

BigBlueEyes posted 11/18/2020 05:42 AM

Thank you Jana,
Oh I definitely agree, Iíve never been happier, which is why I donít know if the risk is worth it.

Have spoken to a few friends recently & most have said Iíve been missing signs thrown at me.
Invites to social distanced get togethers,
invited on dog walks, going for a bike ride,
partnering up at the gym, dinner (not in lockdown obviously) but these men are some Iíve known for yrs, some are new friends,
Iím so out of touch that I just donít know what the damn signs are now,
do I risk old & new friendships for this.

Also would keeping your options open = A revolving door?

Itís a minefield 🤦‍♀️

The1stWife posted 11/18/2020 07:27 AM

Donít think if it as dating. Think of it as meeting friends for coffee or something to eat.

Keep it light and casual. Develop some good friendships. Take your time.

My sibling lost a spouse 7-8 years ago very suddenly. Did not date for 5 years. Met someone as friends. Just friends. Took it slow and now in a committed wonderful relationship. Knew the person for about 4 years before going out socially.

Itís not a date.

And you will know if you meet someone you want to spend more time with.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:13 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

EvenKeel posted 11/18/2020 07:45 AM

Ahhhhh - a trip to the beach....is there anything better?

Many go to the beach all the time,
They might dive straight in, knowing there are sharks there.
They might go to the edge and just enjoy the water splashing their legs.
They might stay way back on the beach in a chair enjoying all the sights the beach has to offer: the waves crashing, the smell of salt air, the people watching.

BigBlue - there is no right or wrong way to enjoy the beach. You do what ever you want. Heck, you might want to take a dip and then decide to just sit in your beach chair awhile and dry off. You might want to just slowly enjoy the waves on your tootsies.

But you can't go to the ocean without understanding there are sharks in there...and jellyfish....and the whatnots. Just keep your eyes open for them and avoid. If a jellyfish stings ya, apply ointment, heal, regroup, etc. Is it worth the risk? Well, only you can decide that. The beach can be beautiful. Yes there are dangerous sea creatures BUT the ocean is filled with beautiful creatures as well. Vibrant, colorful wonders!!!

...and make sure you have your sunscreen for gosh's sakes. Nothing worse than dreaming about the beach trip, making plans, counting down....and then getting burnt to a crisp your first day there!

Also, many folks survive and thrive without going to the beach - ever! Nothing wrong with that either. A beach trip is not mandatory for a healthy-happy life. Lots of folks on here choose and love their anti-aquatic NB.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 9:38 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

BigBlueEyes posted 11/18/2020 09:48 AM

See & here is my problem, Iíve been for coffee with Ďwhat I thought were Ďfriendsí, Iíve sat on the floor of the gym, hot, sweaty & not at all pretty, talking about going on a bike ride or a dog walk etc, Iíve missed every single hit, the fact they were single, attractive, interesting, didnít even enter my mind..itís only because my friends have pointed it out (members of our own spinning class)
I mentioned in our group chat what you had said to me at the weekend, so they felt duty bound to inform me I had already taken first steps but without actually realising it.
Now Iíve thought about it I honestly could see myself spending time with any of these guys, pretty fit, funny, most seem to be into music & fitness like me, did I say fit? Lol.
Not overly muscular though as that really does nothing for me.

Absolutely brilliant analogy, literally worded to perfection,
Thank you so very much for your insight

Hopefully Dipping my toes sooner rather than later 🤪
Iíve just replied to 1 of these guys as the gyms are closed Iíll meet him on his dog walk tomorrow evening.

Palmetto9213 posted 11/18/2020 19:39 PM

Evenkeel, as a BS entering the dating pool within the past few months, I must agree with BigBlueEyes that this is the perfect description of what dating is like....there is truly no right or wrong way...each of us must do what we are comfortable with AND at our own pace...there is no one path or roadmap that works the same for everyone...and part of the fun of my New Beginning is learning and identifying what works for ME....it's empowering!

Enjoy this BigBlueEyes....what ever it looks like for you

BigBlueEyes posted 11/19/2020 08:24 AM

Thank you Palmetto,

Iím going to embrace making new memories & simply have fun along the way 😊

BigBlueEyes posted 11/19/2020 14:46 PM

Well I went, I met 1 of my gym buddies/long time friend on a walk with our dogs.

The XWH was bought up, he said he wasn't worried about him at all, it was my Ex's loss,
He does know my kids, said he will respect them & take into consideration if they show signs of anger or upset with us spending time together,
He also said he will go at my pace, one step at a time.
I know he's a good guy so that definitely helps.

It was bloody awesome, we talked, we laughed, I giggled omg he had me giggling like a damn teenager

We have made more plans to go for a cycle ride this weekend,

As we were going our separate ways he hugged me, kissed my cheek, then winked & grinned at me...ohhh phew I forgot what this feeling felt like.

I'm still just testing the waters...just a little paddle for now

deena04 posted 11/21/2020 14:10 PM

Paddling is good. Dipping the toes is good. Donít dive in. Just get used to the idea and go from there.

BigBlueEyes posted 11/22/2020 14:06 PM

Deena, thank you

From Wednesday to yesterday I managed to talk myself into complete knots.

Why on earth would someone be interested in someone with my baggage!!
I could literally take up the whole space in cargo with my baggage alone 🤦‍♀️

I rained off yesterday...gave a piss poor excuse by text message,
have felt like shit since.

Iím not cut out for this, Iím too bloody old!

AnnieOakley posted 11/23/2020 00:15 AM

Well... I will give you my opinion and a little bit of my experiences from earlier this year. Iím usually one of the voices here telling people to pump the breaks. Hard.

After my divorce my only date/relationship was with my HS BF. About 6 months after D, but I felt safer (?) as he was not a stranger-it ended fall of 2017. Like many, that failed relationship was almost worse than the divorce. I did all of the hard work all over again and was completely single for over 2 years.

2020 was going to be my year to find my new love! I knew I was 1000% ready. A few first dates in January/February. No mutual interest which was fine but I was not nervous at all. Then CV19 hit! I stopped everything until late May. I met someone in June. Mutual attraction...lots. 😊

The first time he asked if he could kiss me, it was very nice. Just enough lingering... I was not on cloud nine or anything, but it literally took me 3 days to realize that I had not thought about either my exh or exbf at that moment. Reconfirming (for me) that I was ready and doing the right thing. We dated for 3 months and while I was willing he either did not have much time (or the time for me) to actually date. Next. So while I learned a few things dating at this point in my life, Iím moving forward, albeit CV19 cautious!

We all have baggage! Unpack yours a bit more. We all tell one another to listen to our gut when we are dealing with infidelity, etc. Your gut is likely telling you to focus on yourself. You deserve it. 2-3 months from now you may feel completely different...or still not quite there yet. When you are ready youíll know!

Jambomo posted 11/23/2020 01:25 AM

Why on earth would someone be interested in someone with my baggage!! I could literally take up the whole space in cargo with my baggage alone

Anyone past the age of say, 25, everyone has baggage. We all have past loves, heartache, memories, traumas. Thatís just life.

If you feel bad about cancelling then why not message him and ask him out to lunch or some other weatherproof activity.

I think itís normal to be scared. I am scared about the thought of dating anyone again. Yet what is the alternative? I can choose to be single but I realise that I donít want to be - so I have to accept it might be painful but that I will try and meet someone again and just future-proof life to survive better if it goes tits up again

[This message edited by Jambomo at 1:28 AM, November 23rd (Monday)]

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